When we met, I was broken from girls who cheated on me, manipulated, and used me. You showed me love and slowly the walls I built to protect myself came down. You were more than a soulmate, a best friend; you became my world. I trusted you. I loved you.
When you broke up with me, I cried and cried. I begged for an explanation that you wouldn’t give. You just left me out of the blue and I was left heartbroken. I couldn’t believe that someone I love and trust would do something like that to me. But through all the pain and tears, I still loved you.
Some time passed and we started talking again. We slowly became friends again. You told me you were sorry for what you did and wanted another chance at us. But the damage has been done. I told you I still loved you but I also resented you for what you did to me. I told you I wasn’t the same person you fell in love with. I would only end up hurting you because as much as I wanted to be with you, part of me hated you for what you did to me. You told me you didn’t care and as long as there was a chance, you’d fight for us. I should’ve kept saying no, but I loved you.
The next year or so were rocky. Some days were good and things between us would almost seem normal, like they were before. I’d do the little things I used to do and tell you how much I loved you. Other days though weren’t as good. I’d wake up from dreams of you hurting me. I would be paranoid that you were seeing someone else or scared you would just leave me out of the blue. Things you did would remind me of things the other girls did. These were the days where I wanted to ask “do you love me” but all that came out was “haha”. Or when I said “ok.” when what I really meant was “please just tell me you would never leave me”. These were the days where I’d be cold and distant. I wanted to tell you how I felt but I was scared of getting hurt again by you. I felt so guilty and hated myself, you deserved much better. I told you I was a horrible person but you stuck by me anyways, heaven knows why. I know it was hard for both of us but I was trying my best too because I still loved you.
And then it happened. You stopped talking to me as often. You started leaving my messages on “read” and not replying to me. When I did talk to you, our conversations would go nowhere. I started feeling paranoid every day. I was worried if the conversation we were having would be our last and you would just leave me out of the blue again. Or were you seeing someone else? Did you just not love me any more like how I love you?
July 20, it all went to shit. I didn’t hear from you all day. You didn’t reply to my snap from the night before and I was greeted with “Opened 18 hours ago” every 2 minutes I checked my phone. You ignored all my messages and when I finally got a response from you, it was late at night. You sent me a snap of you playing beerbong with a caption along the lines of “sorry I’m busy”. SORRY YOU’RE BUSY? I’m not asking you to write me an essay or answer my messages every waking moment. You left me on read for nearly 24 hours. I checking my phone every few minutes, worried sick about you and wondering if something happened to you, but it turned out you were just “too busy” to reply because you were playing beerpong. I started crying (which might not sound manly but fuck off. Men get emotional too). Scenarios started playing out in my head. I was blinded by the emotions and all i felt was pain. And then I did something I deeply regret. My walls shot back up and I lashed out. I called you a thot and said something along the lines of “fuck you. you’re just like the rest of them. You say you care but you really don’t”.
You blocked me. And then your best friend messaged me and told me I’m an asshole and that you’ve been nothing but kind to me. And I told her she was right. I am an asshole and you are the most kindhearted person I’ve known. I never deserved you and I don’t know why you bothered with me the way you did.
Thinking back on all of this now, I realized it was all my fault. I was broken beyond repair and I told you that. I am a horrible person and I told you that. But I loved you and when you said you wanted a second chance, I should’ve said no. I knew that it would only end up with one of us hurt but I was selfish. I loved you and I wanted you back.
I don’t know where I am going with all of this.
But I guess it takes my mind off the pain and crying.
I’m not trying to make excuses or justify what I did. Because I know what I did was wrong and I’m a piece of shit. You’ve always put me on a pedestal and treated me with nothing but kindness. On the good days, I reciprocated. But on the bad days, I was cold and distant. You deserve better than someone who could only love you with half of a broken heart. You are the kindest and most beautiful human being I have ever met and you too good for this petty and broken man who cannot give you the love you deserve.
“If you love something set it free. If it comes back it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be”. In a way, I’m setting you free from my broken, fucked up love. I know you won’t come back but it’s okay. Someone as beautiful and kindhearted as you was never meant to be with a shattered and fucked up person like me. I love you but I don’t deserve you.