SONGBIRD REVELATIONS CONTINUE: LITTLE GIRLS ARE ACTUALLY OLD MEN
The Songbirds are all the rage among Eorzea’s young girls and their fathers with questionable motivations, and as the unofficial mascots of the annual Little Ladies’ Day festivities in Ul’dah their legion of fans, the Birdwatchers, are out in full force to try and glimpse their prepubescent songstress idols.
“She’s like thirteen and I have a gun,” one woman was overheard saying to a collection of middle-aged Birdwatchers during the festivities. But is that woman correct? Not about the gun, this reporter saw the weapon. About the Songbirds’ ages.
The Crucible has discovered that the Songbirds, far from being cute, young, well-under-the-age-of-consent-you-sick-freak girls are in truth men in their mid-to-late seventies.
Given all the other shocking revelations that have come out about the idol troupe in recent days, the discovery that they are not, in fact, young girls with wicked and terrifying ambitions at all but old men with wicked and terrifying ambitions seems to almost be small news. Still, in due diligence as a reporter, we sought out an expert in advanced magical theory to explain how such a complete charade is even possible!
“Advanced glamouring magic can do all sorts of things,” said Iris Blanchimont, an advanced aetheric researcher at Equinox. “I helped design arcane geometries to provide a sylph with a persistent and tangible glamour resistant to scalebomb dissolution and she’s gone on to be a renown chef. The rumors of the powers of the illegal potion Fantasia are similarly astounding. I am absolutely sure that an elderly Elezen fellow could convince the world he was a prepubescent Raen.” She added “I’m not sure why he would.”
What possible motivation could these men have? Could they be trying to lure the Songbirds into illegal activities and turn them over to the Brass Blades for prosecution?
That’s the theory put forth by investigator Crysole Handsun, who encouraged this reporter to have a seat in a fake kitchen he had constructed in a disused warehouse near Vesper Bay. “There is a high rate of perversion in our society directed toward underage girls, I hope the Songbirds are a trap for these sick men, much like the trap I operate here.”
The alternative theory is that these strange men are attempting to earn the fame and celebrity through glamouring magic that they could not earn in their normal, mundane lives.
The much-safer-to-fantasize-about idol sensation WYNG had thoughts on the subject, though seemed deeply surprised by the revelation about their fellow performers.
Wenn, the W of WYNG, smiled brightly at the accusation against the Songbirds, commenting “If I were an old guy, I hope I’d be that cute!”
“I’m more impressed with their voices, if it’s true,” added the G of WYNG, Gwen.
Whatever the motivations, this scandal is likely to shake the idol group to their very core! Their seneschal refused to comment on the story, likely out of fear for how the revelation of this secret will affect the legions of Birdwatchers who come out during this season!
What other possible explanation could there be!
It is the opinion of the Crucible that a more wholesome and less dishonest idol group is WYNG, and this author encourages readers to consider them the new face of Little Ladies’ Day, as they are in actual fact, little ladies.
Written by freelance correspondent Maxe Sahashin who is absolutely not just a WYNG fangirl trying to poach fans for her preferred idol group but a serious reporter who reports actual facts.