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I know most of you wont even care but I lost my godsister this morning... I wont be active on here for a while. I might even log out...

I just really need to mourn and grieve... thank you in advance for your condolences.


the streak


2 days from Thanksgiving, preparing for the meal… looking forward to the meal.  8 miles again tonight, to the park and back.  It was colder out than I expected, and the neighborhood was pretty empty.  There will be another Buffalo Turkey Trot on Thursday, to continue the officially longest continuously run road race in N. America, albeit with much fewer runners.  But there will be a contingent of unofficial runners there as well, en force and safely distanced  I’ll be among them, along with my son virtually from NYC to continue our father-son Turkey Trot streak. 


Loud Emotions

November 24, 2020

My family’s words are spikey with emotions. I don’t know how to represent the way they talk through text--I don’t think I could even imitate it through spoken language--but it’s overwhelming and annoying and frustrating to me, especially cause they also tend to raise their voices louder than necessary. 

Words are not working right now. UGH. I’ve been anxious around spoken words today, but written words usually don’t fail me. I don’t know how to explain what I’m trying to say.

When my family talks, it often sounds to me like they’re stressed or worried or otherwise upset, when really they’re perfectly fine and/or joking around. I annoyed the younger of my brothers for years by telling him to “calm down” when he was already calm, cause he sounded like he was getting really worked up to me (although that would have been annoying of me even if I’d been right). Most things they say, to me or to each other, sounds like they’re upset, but they aren’t actually, and the only way I know they’re not is by listening to their words and by remembering that they usually sound that way. It’s exhausting and makes it a lot harder to figure out the “correct” response.

I still don’t think I’m explaining this right. Oh well. I don’t have the energy to read this over.

Bottom line: my family is very loud and overwhelming (especially my mom, but also my roommate brother cause his voice is naturally loud), and while I was still at college I wasn’t around people who talk like that, so I have less of an immunity now than I did last summer (not that being around it all the time was great, either).


I’m sorry that I brought it up, that I gave you false hope. Making you upset, and cry when I told you the only exception that would make it so I could come and see you.. I know that it disappoints you.

This same cycle of you worrying about me, of you becoming upset on my behalf due to the abuse that I face living in this house.. But to leave.. I’ve never been anywhere else before. Not by myself. Let alone another country away where I know nothing except what leaks through the cracks of this broken worldview that is presented to me.

I know that She left the moment she could. That when the opportunity arose, she took what she could and escaped. And I know I have the chance if I want to take it. If I felt that I could, I would.. There’s just too much tying me here.

I have family to rescue first. To make safe first. Those that would be far more abused if I left and would feel like I betrayed them. There is too much here that I need to protect and help escape before I can do that myself.

Yes, I could leave. Throw away the life I have right now and make moves to get to safety... But how much would be left here? How much animosity and betrayal would be felt if I left and didn’t say a word other than a half-hearted goodbye to the ones I care about who care about me?

Facing abuse, and escaping it isn't just about me. I would feel guilty and ashamed for the rest of my life if I let my siblings stay here. If I didn’t somehow get them out with me. If I didn’t see that they could be safe and sound.

Yes. I have the opportunity to leave. But what’s stopping me is worth far more to me than the abuse that I face.

I might be stupid for staying. I know that you, somewhere deep down, definitely think so.

She thinks so.

He thinks so.

I think so, too.

But until I can get them to safety, too.. I can’t leave.

There’s too much at stake. It’s not just me that I have to look out for. 

as the most capable. As the one who is as closest to the oldest, mentally and physically, I cannot leave until they are safe too. I can’t abandon them.


I know you don’t understand.


Meet the Mendozas 

Carl-Gabriel “Gabe” Mendoza

  • Age: 61 (born in 1959)
  • Occupation: Sanitation worker
  • Relationship Status: Married
  • Face Claim: Marc Dacascos

Lailani Mendoza (née Yamat) 

  • Age: 54 (born in 1966)
  • Occupation: House cleaner
  • Relationship Status: Married
  • Face Claim: Princess Punzalan

Malaya Mendoza 

  • Age: 39
  • Occupation: Dance instructor/exotic dancer
  • Relationship Status: Single
  • Face Claim: Liza Lapira

Tita Mendoza 

  • Age: 36
  • Occupation: House cleaner
  • Relationship Status: Single
  • Face Claim: Bianca Gonzalez 

Vito Mendoza

  • Age: 31
  • Occupation: DJ/Freelance Actor
  • Relationship Status: Single
  • Face Claim: Manny Jacinto 

Hi, and I know it's been a while since I made a post, or was even slightly active on this blog, but with the world, jobs, holidays coming up, and all the regular stuff we all deal with on a daily basis, it's been extremely hard to do, well, just about anything I actually like because after everything else I don't have the energy, but that's not what this post is about. Nah, but it is about...


Now, idk how many of you actually live in the United States, but here we have this holiday after Halloween and before Christmas called Thanksgiving. And all you need to know about it is that it's lost its original meaning and is now a way to hold your family hostage with food. I'm not kidding. Every year, most families here will gather and are forced to socialize and play nice with each other. For my family, it's a free-for-all Battle Royal. Now I know what your thinking, "it can't be that bad." We'll uh, you haven't met my family. The majority of us hate each other and we know it, we insult each other on ever aspect of each other's lives. Your job, your life, your hobbies, your romantic partner, political views, how many kids you do or do not have, grades, school, college, your pets, you name it, my family will make you feel horrible about it. And so I am very very stressed about Thanksgiving this year, because not only is my family divided political, which almost caused a fist fight between my dad and uncle last year, but they are very against the LGBTQ+ community, they don't really believe in mental disorders and think it's just a state of mind that can be changed. And by changed I mean throw you into a religious confirmatory system. But me, and the younger part of my family, all have to put on this sorta play. Like me and my cousins and the one aunt who's been secretly a lesbian for 30+ years, all group text each other and figure out what names we're gonna use, because most of my cousin, I included, don't use our dead names, or birth names anymore, we coordinate with each other, and when one of us needs a break we have a code word, and all the others will jump into action by trying to distract everyone so the other one of us can go get some fresh air and try not to have a breakdown or rip their hair out.

Long story short my family is very judgemental, and we're afraid if we come out to our family about, well everything, we're going to be the main intake of criticism, or we'll be disowned. So the holidays are very stressful, and I just wanna know how many others are out there that can sympathize with is the craziness that is my family.

I also hope everyone stays safe this holiday season, no matter what holiday and where, and if you can't be yourself with your family, just know that you have people who love and accept you for who you are, and your Tumblr family is here to support you too.


i just went to my first LEC which is an important scout thing and i had to speak at it and the entire time my mother and brother are talking and singing and playing games and music and i feel like its so loud and i had to have my volume at 80 to hear what was going on in the call and literally two minutes after the call ends they leave i hate them


I miss my mom. I miss Thanksgiving ten years ago. Or five. I miss helping my sister make our first attempts at Thanksgiving dinner in our first apartment together in 2005. I miss Thanksgiving at home in 2000. I miss Thanksgiving with my grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles in 1992. I miss feeling connected to other people. I miss feeling like a part of something. I miss feeling cared for.

I miss feeling cared for.

Anonymous asked:

i’m starting sertraline/zoloft and i’m v scared. i’m on day 4 already and so far I have some side effects that are uncomfortable but not extreme. however, my dad found out today what medication I had been prescribed (i’m in uni) and he wants me to stop them as soon as possible because he doesn’t like it. the way he spoke about it has put me off continuing my meds bc he spoke ab all the dangerous side effects. my friends who have had antidepressants are also saying to quit, idk what to do :(

I take antidepressants myself and in the early days you feel a lot of different things. Some emotional and some physical and they can make you want to quit them before you even give yourself a chance to experience them for yourself. At the end of the day you’ve chosen to take this route because you felt they would be beneficial to you. Shouldn’t you at least give them a try? I feel there’s a massive stigma to taking antidepressants and yes, on their own they can’t cure you and yes it’s possible that you may experience side effects and other negatives but unless you give them a chance, how do you know they won’t work for you?

Millions of people benefit from antidepressants, some people find that some types work better for them than others. It’s a journey for your mind and your body to see what works for you. I personally think you should give it a try, I personally have seen my life in a completely different light since taking my antidepressants. In my opinion if I was sick or in pain and they offered me medicine, I’d take it. It took a little trial and error to figure out what dosage worked for me but the benefits vastly outweigh the negatives for me and I probably wouldn’t be alive without mine but I am aware I’m quite an extreme case.

They don’t work for everyone, other people benefit from different routes like therapy but I can only speak from my own personal experience. If you haven’t experienced anything “dangerous” yet yourself then I’d say give them a go if that’s what YOU want. You need to sit down and think about why you chose to take them in the first place and whether YOU want to continue with them. Not if everyone else (myself included) tells you to or not to. It’s your body, so it doesn’t matter whether someone else says they don’t like it. Consult with your doctor if you experience anything that scares you and do what works for you friend, that’s all you can do.

- Bonnie


someone told me i speak like her,

my voice a ghost of her newfoundland twang, though i’ve never been.

passed down to me through a childhood spent gripping at her pant leg, learning her stories.

her eyes, like mine, glittering as she beams about hawaii, about rome and her pilgrimage to jerusalem.

& now, at 23, i beg to hear the same tales over again, savouring each word, each detail, trying to make them my own.