Rampant Thought 17.
I don't know why but I always end up hurting the people I love to the point they'd express vivid proof that I am something they would rather discard in order for them to get better. Having been pushed enough to cause retaliation, I find myself at the end of a verbal barrel awaiting the onslaught of a logorrhea with the simple goal of defending themselves against the damage brought on by my actions. Myself, driven by desires am compelled to lean onto them in order to defuse that which triggers this state of cold war, which ultimately ends up imploding due to the imbalanced attitudes of the parties involved. Intentions are misconstrued when their existence is presented, the result painting a picture that reflects nothing but an obsession with the flesh that distorts what others see when they gaze in my direction. Ideally, the meaning behind my intentions would walk on the path of deeper human connection that would be tightened through acts of intimacy rooted from the affection one would possess for another. Then again, ideals rarely happen, thus giving way to less than favorable circumstances, a truth upon which reality receives life.
Being the creator of pain for those that surround you simply through expressing your desires is a sin without a sinner, since desires aren't enough reason to warrant shaming. Left unexpressed, desires will hijack the mind until they are fulfilled. Seeing oneself unable to stop the thoughts that overflow with desire is a battle that turns the self into a slave and when loss is so decadent, resistance is no longer worth the effort. Everything changes when you can find someone that wishes to battle together with you against that which makes humans less so. Mercy be given to the one whom finds himself alone with his desires, shunned by the one they once knew as ally as he will find himself feeling guilt tainted with temptation beyond imagination. Wishing for nothing but to enjoy the experience brought forth by desires together with someone you trust should be natural, but when the shared desires are deemed a cause of pain, everything falls into a state of suspension.
In my head, anger is fueled by frustration as reflection decides that I am now the villain and the cause to everything that is happening to us. Mistakes resurface, regrets take flight and come crashing down to ignite the guilt sleeping within. Scruples dictate my actions and they are also the reason why reality feels like a simmering volcano, accumulating pressure until it bursts, bringing mayhem with it. Being scrupulous spells nothing but righteousness and going against these values would betray my loyalty towards her and I. These so called values, when combined with the amount of desire contained within becomes a concoction that suffocates its victim so slow that suffering becomes unavoidable. Without the consent required for the free expression of such desires, nothing will be taken or given and by that rule, desires will remain nothing but words that cause transient pain unlike that of betrayal from which recovery is impossible. Thus, reality is kept suspended without a hint of certainty that it will ever recover, and return in the favor of the one whom endlessly desires the same warmth he fell in love with.
Life goes on as nothing but a series of events governed by forces found in utter imbalance as each living being seeks to ironically attain the exact opposite, balance. Tasked with life within the imbalanced, the ultimate goal is finding its opposite and evolving along the way through all the impurities that afflict us, enduring in order to become adroit enough to maintain the balance that affects everything around us. In order for everything to be in a state of balance, the existence of both balance and imbalance is imperative as they will form the ultimate experience which is called life. No choice is left but to embrace the uncertainty and accept the impurities as well as the values that makes one honorable in his ways and strive to endure in the pursuit of what one deems fulfilling, even if such pursuits would arise contempt from those around. Seek whatever makes you happy, but never have it done by sacrificing the happiness of another, and with that said, I bid you farewell.