“I think if I’ve learned anything about friendship, it’s to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don’t walk away, don’t be distracted, don’t be too busy or tired, don’t take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.”

Mary Oliver, from When Did It Happen? in “Felicity: Poems”

“plant seeds in your heart, water them, & watch your soul bloom”

“I ruined myself for a lot of people that werent even worth it”

“I think about you. But I don’t say it anymore.”

1. i think one of the first things i did after the thought of forever no longer being an option was dwell on where we went wrong. maybe it was an act of trying to restore myself, maybe it was finding a piece of her that i still loved so much. regardless of whatever answer you may find, you should know that you can’t stay mad at this person for too long because if you truly love someone, to truly love someone… we must realize that we won’t always be the one they’ll call right before their eyes get too heavy, we won’t always be the one they’ll immediately go to when shit hits the fan. i once knew a girl, who said that after we broke up, she didn’t think about the bad moments— she remembered all of the good. the small victories that we shared, the learning of how to love someone with the proper respect that they deserve. that’s the shit that people don’t want to talk about. if you adore this person, sometimes the best way to go about it is to let them be happy with or without you. and sometimes, that involves pain. most of the time it’ll involve misery— you don’t have to get used to it, you have to deal with it. if you’re so in love with this person… smile. you guys happened. so imagine that your life is one huge library that continues to grow every year. this person wasn’t just an ordinary book— this person was a dictionary that changed the way you saw every single word. when you see the word sunset, it’s a memory. when you see the word upset, it’s a picture of you holding them. when you see the word longing, it’s from afar. when you see the word love, it’s simple. if you loved me once upon a time, you’ll always have a part of me that i can’t share with anyone. that word is all yours.
2. another thing that kept me alive was the thought that one day, it’d all make sense. it’s been a long while, you won’t keep track of the days because pain eventually starts to fade— you’re growing back into yourself like a toddler feeling the rain for the first time. an experience indeed, to live alone, to not be a part of someone else. of course it hurts, it just means that somewhere along the line, loving them became more important than breathing. you’ve been running out of air for so long that now— now that you’re finally free and you’re yourself again… you have to define the reflection in that mirror for yourself, not for anybody else. your emotions are your responsibility. don’t blame someone for the pain they’ve caused, you feel like you’re dying because that person that stayed up late just to comfort someone is no longer who you are. you’re different now. like alice. she loved wonderland, but when she returned from the madness— she was never the same. this isn’t the end, it’s just another beginning that you get to write.
3. sure, you’re gonna cry. who doesn’t? if you really had those feelings. if you really were in love. you’re gonna cry. if it was true. if it was authentic. if it was genuine. you’re gonna cry. this is what happens when you pluck the prettiest flower from the garden— it will always remain beautiful to you even as it is wilting. that’s the strangest thing about this thing called love, a dead love is better than no love. you won’t see it now, but as the months pass by— that hole in your heart? if you keep pushing yourself, if you keep stretching your boundaries, if you rediscover yourself… the possibilities for happiness… it’s endless. you are gonna cry. you’re gonna cry a lot, but that’s okay. at least you’re dealing with it head on. so write yourself to sleep. replay it a few more times. find yourself a creative outlet to express your rage and fury, your longing and loyalty. but know this— no matter where you end up, it’s going to be alright. you will survive this.
4. remember the first time you kissed them? how you never thought that moment would end? this ending, no matter how bitter or how sweet it was. no matter how shit ends up. this is their last gift for you. you must go on this adventure without them. you must grow without them. and somewhere along the way, maybe you won’t need to pluck anymore flowers. maybe you’ll find a gardener, who will remove the weeds for you. maybe he’ll add a variety of florals into your already large presence of life. you are after all also in that first moment to them too. when you say i love you back— you’re also saying it to yourself. it’s okay to be selfish from time to time. love demands that we see both sides. selfishness and selflessness— love demands that we reign like kings and queens on top of soft clouds, that every once in awhile… just decides to rain when a few flowers are in need of care. don’t abandon love, embrace that it was.
5. and lastly, you have to love yourself as much as they loved you. because without you, none of it would’ve been possible. it only hurts because of the time invested that you won’t ever get back. it only hurts because what you saw as a once in a lifetime thing was just that— a once in a lifetime thing. but you get to have more than one of those. roses come and go. lovers come and go. the seasons come and go. it’s gonna be just fine. you’re not dying, you’re just relearning how to live again. i see you and hear you. you’re alive again. you’re breathing again. that’s life.