“imagine i had i bowl of skittles and three of them could kill you-”

Just tell me to fuck off and die already, I know you want to.

people today with access to more raw information than any other period: the earth is flat

german artilleryman in 1916, who barely washes his own ass: I need to account for the curvature and rotation of the earth when plotting my firing plans

Eratosthenes, an Egyptian, in 3750 BC when fucking mammoths hadn’t even gone extinct yet: Oh hey I can use these two obelisks to calculate the earth’s entire circumference based on the length of their shadows and the Earth’s curvature. Neat.

*strokes my laptop camera three times until the fbi agent comes out in a cloud of smoke*

me: hi! how many wishes do I get? :)

fbi agent: what in god’s name did you just do to me

jim kirk: *has idea*

jim kirk: *takes breath*

*muffled crashes heard throughout the enterprise, quickly getting louder, concluding with the appearance of a figure in the doorway*

leonard mccoy: no 

#I feel like this is what you get after someone says ‘just stand like you normally would’

lets have phone sex over walkie talkies

“I’ll make you moan, over”

“bend over” “bend what? over”

“I think the word you’re looking for is apocalypse.” Ghostbusters (2016)

who needs april fools my entire life is a joke

teacher: go ahead and introduce yourselves student: my name is “michael” with a “b”, and i’ve been afraid of insects my entire— teacher:stop stop stop. where? student: hm? teacher:where’s the “b” ?? student: (voice shaking) THERES A BEE???

if i was a skeleton i would just say “that really rattles my bones” in response to literally everything

Someone hold my hand and do that little thumb rubby thingy.

every twenty one pilots song ever made