Hug Me
AN: This was inspired by a fic that i read before hope u enjoy it! sorry for any grammar mistakes english isn’t my first language, i’m open to criticism tho:)
It seems like yesterday I was happy with nothing. Today, I make a wish to the moon. I told her if I can see you once again, I'll do one last dance with you to this song.
Have you ever heard the word 'breathless'?
It has different meaning of its own if you put it in different use. One could describe the meaning of extreme surprise where you just froze in your spot, mouth hung agape as you look at the most precious thing in you possession in awe.
It truly was a wonderful description to appreciate such blessings.
Yet, in another meaning, one that you make sense of literally, has such a different effect, with a stark contrast between light and darkness, akin of a nightmare in the middle of a day dream.
1. without breath or breathing with difficulty; gasping; panting:
Everything happened so fast. One moment she was just standing there in her comfy clothes, casually washing the dishes then the next moment. She saw her lying on the floor as the plate she was holding dropped and shattered against the hard wood floor. It might be just at the spur of the moment, where she exists and everything fell apart. She was rooted to the spot, head staying on the same spot her love used to stand just moments ago. Slowly, but surely everything came rushing back, like a river current overcoming any hindrance. Her hands were shaking when she finally got control of her body.
"LISA!" She screamed then, heart gripped with the panic brewing inside her at seeing her lover so frail, surrounded with the broken glass scattered around her body. She was shaken with pity that at such a tragic misery her love was still attention's sweet centre. Painted was the tragically beautiful story of their journey, started with her world brushed with dark muddy colours.
Jisoo swore she never ran so fast in her life.
In the blink of an eye, she was holding her lover's head on her lap as her fingers fumbled with her phone, the trembling digits struggling to call 9-1-1.
"I need your help please... She fainted....I-" That was the last thing Lisa heard as the black spots on her vision finally swallowed her whole. When the last sigh left her lips, her body became slack.
was the night everything changed.
The trip to the hospital was not one on her favourite list of trips but, at seeing her lover sudden decline of health, she wondered just how long it would take for the ambulance to reach the hospital. She sighed over and over again as she held Lisa’s hand close and kissed each of her knuckles.
She choked back a sob as her eyes welled with tears and the state Lisa was in. Oxygen mask covered her face, and somehow in the span of minutes she had only just noticed how pale and gaunt her love actually is, a drastic difference to her usually fair and healthy body. She cursed herself, hating the fact that she had failed to see the symptoms that might have had explained the ongoing situation.
“I’m sorry baby, I should have looked after you better and stayed home more, fuck I’m- I’m fucking sorry I shouldn’t have I-,” Her speech was cut off due to the sob threatening to burst out.
“pl-please just wake u-up please…”
It may seem unusual for those close to her but,
To whatever gods there are out there, she just hoped they’d listened.
When the sound of cars honking filled her hearing and the pounding of her heart reverberated throughout her body, she closed her lids tightly. Lips mouthing an inaudible prayer as tears welled in her eyes. She held her lover's hand a little tighter, yet somehow, she still refused to cry.
‘Me and my pride’ she muses.
She refrained herself to believe anything but her lover being okay again.
The short trip to the hospital turned out to be a long one. The seconds and the minutes turned into hours as she waited outside the ER. She paced back and forth for she knew that there was something wrong, though she refused to believe it. Realising she might have to tell Chaeyoung, she steeled herself against the obvious thunderstorm and pressed call.
It doesn’t take long for the said best friend/ sister to pick up, and for some reason she felt guilty, like it was somehow her fault when the first hello filtered through the phone.
“Jisoo unnie? Are you there?”
“Umm… Chaeng, I-I’m so fucking sorry, I don’t know what just happened I-“
“Unnie? Please calm down, what happened? Is Lisa okay?”
“She’s just been admitted to the hospital, Chaeyoung-ah…”
“WHAT?! JENNIE WE NEED TO GO NOW!”
“Chaeng- I..” She tried to say when the phone beeps, indicating the end of the call.
They came 15 minutes after she hang up their call, appearance so dishevelled some might think they’re some kind of a hobo.
“Is she okay?” Jennie asked as Chaeyoung was currently feeling too wrecked to even function.
“I- I don’t know , Jen.. One minute she was standing and the next she was suddenly on the floor unconscious.” She explained as her hands swung wildly in her manic.
Jennie said nothing but pulled Jisoo into a tight hug in which she immediately melt into, followed by Chaeyoung as the three of them relied on each other for the comfort they badly needed at the moment.
Their million questions were finally answered another hour later. In midst of her mini panic, the doctor handling Lisa's case came out of the room and approached her jittery self.
That was all Jisoo needed to hear to know that, she was not okay, her lover never was. She knew, Lisa knew that she didn't have much time left and yet, she still smiled and act that bubbly personality of hers. Always unyielding, always without flaw, not even once.
A gasp was heard, yet she couldn’t care less.
Jisoo pondered, just when did Lisa became such a good liar?
"I hate you so much..." She sobbed as her back slid against the white hospital wall. Its horror and constant dullness that painted her peripheral stayed unflinching. Leaving her, to fend for herself after the heart wrenching news that might just destroyed every good thing she had left in her life.
‘such a tragic life of a dreamer’’Such a pity’
Jisoo spent a restless night back at home. She laid on her side of the bed and took in the unusual coldness of her own personal sanctuary. Her stare resided on the empty right side of her bed. The golden sparks in her eyes had faded hours ago, only the remnants of it stayed. It had turned tedious brown in its departure.
She breathed deep, trying to remember her scent. Truth to be told, it had been hard for her to leave her love alone on the hospital bed, but she was not one to defy doctor's order. Though she really gave the nurses a run for their money when they need to forcefully dragged her away from her lover's limp body.
She decided then, she should have fought against their grasps harder, for Lisa was worth every struggle.
Days passed in a blur after the news. It was broadcasted on their social media accounts that they will be taking a long hiatus with the reasons unknown. It sure did cause an uproar in their fandom with their seemingly abrupt disappearance but in the end they couldn’t do anything but to accept their idols’ decision.
Realising the ticking time that was eating away her love’s life, Jisoo brought her everywhere her heart wished for. Her heart clenched every time she saw Lisa's face light up when she brought her to places she had never been before, knowing any moment now could be her last.
She smiled bitterly at that. Her time was limited and she was fucking desperate for any kind of miracle. She prayed every night, for something, anything, to happen.
Because she would give it all just for her to be okay again. That way, they would be able to do the future they had planned out together. In their future, they would be living in a 2 storey mansion with Dalgomie, Leo, Luca and 4 kids running around the house. They would grow old together, wasting their time watching the sunset every evening with a warm cup of tea.
Fate always said otherwise, because the one time she actually found someone who loved her for her. They took her away from Jisoo.
Even sometimes, love was not enough...
It was another cold evening on the midst of December. The couple was snuggling on the couch just enjoying each other's warmth. Jennie and Chaeyoung were out, buying food for their dinner. No words were spoken, though the comfortable silence of the empty dorm was broken when Lisa called out to Jisoo.
"Jisoo?" Lisa asked quietly, head laying slack against Jisoo's chest.
"Hmm?" She responded, hand moving to stroke Lisa's hair gently.
Her hand stilled from her movement as she looked down at her. Usually, Jisoo would have laughed at the random request but the look on Lisa's face, left her stunned. Absentmindedly, Jisoo started to sing one of her favourite song, Long Live.
"I said remember this moment
In the back of my mind...” She started, voice wavering a bit.
She was shaken out of her reverie when Lisa suddenly sat up and started pulling at her hands, urging her to stand with her.
“The time we stood with our shaking hands
The crowds in stands went wild
We were the kings and the queens
And they read off our names
The night you danced like you knew our lives
Would never be the same ..."
At this point, they were both dancing around in their apartment, not caring about what would happen in the future. Live in the now they said.
“You held your head like a hero...”
Lisa sang, voice sounding off key but none of them care anyways. She crossed her arms and posed as superman pretending to be showing her ‘spectacular biceps’ that had become bony and last muscular over the past few months. She nodded her head at Jisoo cueing at her to sing the next lines.
It was the end of a decade
But the start of an age..."
Jisoo stayed quiet and instead, she only looked at her funnily. Lisa had no choice but to continue singing with a grumpy voice.
"Come on CHICHU!! I SAID ONE, TWO, THREE... SING WITH ME!!" She held out her hand between them as if to share the microphone for the both of them.
"Long live the walls we crashed through
All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
I was screaming, "Long live all the magic we made"
And bring on all the pretenders
One day we will be remembered...”
This time Jisoo did join the fun, screaming with her lover as they belted out the lyrics. They might just sound like dying whale and the neighbours would surely filled out a noise complaint but seriously, they could careless right now. No headlines, no media, no worries. Just Jisoo and Lisa singing off key in their penthouse apartment.
"I said remember this feeling
I passed the pictures around
Of all the years that we stood there on the sidelines
Wishing for right now..."
Lisa continued as she looked at Jisoo and pulled on a funny face, successfully bringing a long overdue smile on her girlfriend's face.
"We are the kings and the queens
You traded your baseball cap for a crown..."
Jisoo gestured to Lisa's head as if to put on an imaginary crown on her. Lisa smiled at the gesture and did an over exaggerated curtsy before standing up straight to urged Jisoo to keep singing as she swayed from left to right, doing some weird dancing of her own.
"When they gave us our trophies
And we held them up for our town
And the cynics were outraged
Screaming, "This is absurd"
'Cause for a moment a band of thieves in ripped up jeans got to rule the world..."
Jisoo belted the lyrics as she knelt on the floor like a rock star. Lisa was having the time of her life as she rolled down on the floor laughing her ass off.
"Love live the wall we crashed through
All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
I was screaming, "Long live all the magic we made"
And bring on all the pretenders..." Jisoo sang loudly.
I'm not afraid," Lisa continued with a big grin on her face.
"Long live all the mountains we move
I had the time of my life
Fighting dragons with you
I was screaming, "Long live the look on your face"
And bring on all the pretenders
One day we will be remembered
Hold on to spinning around
Confetti falls to the ground
May these memories break our fall..."
Jisoo actually sang beautifully this time, giving it her all as she pour her heart for their impromptu Lichu-karaoke session. As she opened her mouth to sing the next stanza, Lisa had already beaten her to it.
That you'll stand by me forever
But if God forbid fate should step in,
And force us into a goodbye..."
Lisa sang the lines softly to Jisoo as she put her hand over her heart as tears welled in her eyes.
"If you have children someday
When they point to the pictures,
Please tell them my name..."
Her voice cracked as she sang it, knowing the reality of it all. Jisoo rushed to comfort her but one hand motion from Lisa and another plea of "I'm okay," left her with no choice but to continue the song.
"Tell them how the crowds went wild
Tell them how I hope they shine
Long live the walls we crashed through
I had the time of my life, with you...”
Jisoo presented Lisa with a teary smile as she pointed her fingers at her. She furiously wiped her tears away, and when she belted the next line, she was determined to end this in a good note.
"Long, long live the walls we crashed through
All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
And I was screaming, "long live all the magic we made"
And bring on all the pretenders
I'm not afraid..." She sang as she put on a brave face and a salute at Lisa, getting a smile out in return. Jisoo gave her a signal and they sang the last lines together.
"Singing long live all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life
Fighting dragons with you
And long, long live the look on your face
And bring on all the pretenders
One day, we will be remembered..."
They finished the song quickly and enveloped each other in a tight embrace, tears still streaming down their faces.
"Long live us...” Jisoo whispered against her head.
"Long live you...” She added with a smile, before pressing a light kiss on Lisa’s forehead.
You will be remembered...
Lisa did last longer than expected as she somehow managed to get past through her birthday and Jisoo's. Though another incident might have barraged their way at her.
On the morning after Jisoo's birthday, Lisa had stupidly fell off her bed. But that, was not the problem. It was the excruciating pain that followed after that. She swore she had never screamed so loud in her life.
Hearing her screams, Jisoo bolted upstairs towards their shared bedroom. Fingers fumbling with her phone ready to call 9-1-1.
This was giving her a sense of déjà vu. Added with the fact that in dire times like this, Jennie and Chaeng always seemed to be away at an important meeting with their management, leaving Jisoo alone to deal with a crying Lisa.
Seeing her Lisa laying helplessly on the floor, screaming her head off, Jisoo panic level accelerate to 100 real quick. She knelt down beside the whimpering girl and wafted her hand through her hair, while whispering sweet nothings to soothe her pain.
"You're gonna be okay, baby.."
"She fell the wrong way, Chaeyoung. I've said this to you a million times. Why won't you believe me?" Jisoo hissed at Chaeyoung as they walked down the hospital halls to Lisa's room. She was being prepped for immediate surgery because apparently her stupid fall could possibly cause paralysis. Stupid bed and stupid floor, she had said.
"Wow unnie , Okay I believe you, but seriously you need to chill. You're basically on fire right now.." Chaeyoung tread carefully, afraid to get Jisoo madder than she already was.
"You're dealing with this better than I ever was Chaeng. How are you okay with her dying?" She ranted, frustrated.
"I'm not, and I never will be okay with her dying, so don't even try to say that. But, do you know what makes me strong unnie? It was her wish. She personally told me that she wanted her last days to be full of smiles, not tears; not frowns. So I tried, I really tried my best every day to keep the smile on my face, to keep the happy thoughts on my head as if she wasn't dying. I had to respect her wish. I had to, unnie..." Chaeyoung confessed as she blinked rapidly to avoid the tears from falling, knowing Lisa would caught up with her act once she saw a faint tear marks on her face.
"I'm sorry Chaeyoung-ah, I-I didn't know,"
"It's okay unnie, please just trust me on this. You need to respect her wish too okay?"
Lisa was paralysed from the waist down. But she had not reacted poorly. She had taken a moment of silence after the news, both her lover and best friends looking at her expectantly, gauging her reaction. What happened next was not expected by the both of them.
With a defeated sigh, Lisa had looked back up towards the doctor and asked a simple question.
"Can I go back home now?"
The meaning behind her words were clear, she didn't want to talk about it and it was to be expected. Yet, that split moment when she looked at Jisoo at the word 'home', really messed with Chaeyoung's emotion. She had lived, knowing that her best friend and sister had found her home. A place for her to belong, yet, it was wretched from her grasp just after she found it.
Today was the day the two brotp? finally get to hang out. Though, Jennie realised she should have done this sooner. She had immediately became fast friends with Lisa after their first meeting with each other during their trainee days. She had said, the only reason they got along so well was because their ‘stupid aegyo tendencies and annoyingly cute gummy smiles ’ cheers to Jennie for that. She knew her gummy smiles are valuable winning weapon. So to speak, with their fast growing friendship and what not, this news had truly affected Jennie deeply.
They were strolling around the central park, not a lot of people were in sight which was a plus to the both of them.
"Jennie, if you didn't stop thinking, smoke might came out of your head any time now," Lisa suddenly said, causing her to pause in her movement.
"Shut it Manoban, or do I have to hit you to do so?" Jennie clapped back at her best friend who now appeared offended. She put a dramatic hand over her chest and said.
"Really? You'll hit a cripple? WHERE ARE YOUR MORALS?"
"Where yours are?" Jennie sassed.
"Shit, let me call Satan. He has them. Along with my list of fucks I do not give."
"Oh please, SOMEONE PLEASE GET THIS GIRL SHE'S ANNOYING ME," Jennie was all but shout.
"Watch it Nini or I'll tell Chaengie about your behaviour."
"You are such a tattle-teller, you b*tch. You disgust me," Jennie said in her best Kim-Kardashian-accent as she flipped her hair to get her point across.
"My energy should not be wasted talking to you, move along please I need to get my ice cream," Lisa commanded from her wheelchair bossily.
"You're lucky you're cute or else I would've left you somewhere," Jennie complained as she grudgingly started to push the wheelchair to the ice cream shop.
Miracles do happen, sadly it didn't always last.
Lisa knew her time was coming, knowing she had outlived the doctor's predictions; this was bound to happen anytime soon. It was a little after the New Year. She was being woken up, with severe chest pains. She screamed which immediately woke Jisoo up.
"Lisa baby, what's wrong?" She asked soothingly, trying to keep the panic from her voice.
Jisoo didn't get an answer from Lisa except for her occasional whimpers which caused her to curl further into herself, hoping to make the pain stop.
She knew her time was coming,
But she sure as heck was not ready for it.
Lisa was hooked to a ventilator that night, her lungs had failed her and she didn't expect any less. Seeing her lover so fragile against the hospital bed, Jisoo made a beeline to the chair beside the bed and held her sleeping hand tightly.
She leaned her head closer to the bed and rests it at the edge of the pillow. It might have been an uncomfortable position but she wanted to, she need, to remember her.
I don't want to forget...
Right before she continued her restless slumber, Jisoo hummed sotto voce. She sang a song very dear to her as a prayer, and God, she did hope Lisa would listen close in her slumber.
Please don't let go of me, the one who's holding your hand...
In the long silence, a sound comes, screaming
From my foolish and weak heart..."
The goodbye was the hardest.
Lisa was looking at Jisoo as best as she could through her half lidded eyes. She could she the hudled figures of her best friends standing on the other side of her hospital bed. God, she was so tired, and she had long accepted her fate. She stared at Jisoo with any adoration she could muster and smiled weakly.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" She suddenly said, breaking Jisoo out of her trance.
"I want to remember you."
"Don't do this to yourself baby, please"
"I- I can't Lice, please I can't forget you. I don't want you to go. I LOVE YOU! Why is that not enough?" She sobbed as she desperately cling to her hospital gown to discard any possible distance between the two of them.
"It doesn't matter if I'm not physically beside you, unnie. Please don't cry, love, I'll look after you from the sky. You won't forget me because I'm here with you. I stayed in your heart. I'll visit you in your dreams, there you can relinquish all your joys and sorrows to me. You'll remember me, just like the way my heart will call out to you in the after life..."
"I love you, Lice. I'd give it all just for one more day with you..."
"Don't dwell- on your sadness please, all smiles, okay?" Lisa had to stop in between words to catch her breath as her lungs started failing on her.
“Unnie, if it is time for me to go, can you take care of Jisoo unnie for me?”
Lisa never said it to anyone in particular neither Jennie or Chaeyoung, but the message was clear. They responded with a tight squeeze on her arm and a teary smile.
Their last moments together were spent with Jisoo brushing the remnants of Lisa hazel brown hair, as they enjoyed the silence that sang lullabies for those in passing. It wasn’t long when the silence was broken by none other than Lisa.
"Can I get one last kiss before I go to sleep, Chu?"
“Anything for you love,” Jisoo smiled a bittersweet smile through her red eyes and puffy cheeks before leaning in as they lips met in passion.
So desperately, trying to make it a kiss, one could remember forever.
"Sing for me please, Chichu…" Lisa whispered her last wish. She moved her body a little bit as she sagged against the hospital bed, eyes fluttering close.
You were an angel in the shape of my love
When I fell down you'll be there holding me up
Spread your wings as you go...
And when God takes you back,
He'll say, "Hallelujah, you're home."
Jisoo wait until her breathing became no more, before she stopped. With one last cold kiss to the lips, Jisoo muttered her prayer against her skin.
"In peace may you leave the shore;
In love may you find the next.
Safe passage on your travel," Jisoo finished and wipe her tears away. She leaned her face closer to Lisa's and mumbled against her lips.
"May we meet again, Lisa..."
It was nothing special, another day, another time, another dawn. They recalled that time when a young Lisa Manoban swore that when she died she would do it in such honour, with lots of people crying for her.
They had laughed it off then, saying that she wasn’t even close to a hero or a president. It was a stupid dream to begin with.
Lalisa Manoban didn’t die in such great honour, she didn’t die with the sound of trumpet and manmade tears marring people’s face as they pretend to show empathy to the fallen grace.
She died, on a normal Wednesday afternoon, with 3 of the brightest stars in her life, and I guessed for her,
"One last kiss to a cold lips, to seal the prayer."
