mfw this man who is capable of unimaginable violence and anger and destruction fulfils his life's purpose as some teenage girl's lame dad
i gave him everything. i was patient and tolerant and attentive and caring and i listened to his problems and his achievements and i asked him if he was okay when he got a bit quiet. i picked up after him and paid for his drinks and offered him food. i chastised him for not taking care of himself and told him to go rest because i could do it. i stepped out of his way so he could move past and people would see him first instead of me. i stayed quiet when they assumed he was behind everything i did and let him receive the praise and reward. and all i ever wanted in return was love but instead he leaned his full weight on me because he knew i'd take it. he stopped looking after himself because he knew i would. he began to expect me completely and wholly. my complete devotion and attention just became another part of his life, like his cigarettes and coffee in the morning. he spent his birthday with his family drinking the rum i bought him and i cried on mine because he sent me one lousy text at 4pm and nothing more. no flowers. not even a card. and he couldn't stand living with her, hadn't touched her in years. but he never left her so how bad must i be? i would have done anything for him. i would have followed him to a city i hated and became a mother to his children even when i was still a kid myself. i breathed for him. it was not enough.
25.8.22
because often i find myself dreaming of cities far away and the life i could have anywhere but here, of anonymity and a fresh start. but i can never begin again because everywhere i go i must carry the heavy burden that is my heart ad my soul and no matter how far i travel i will never be rid of that heavy weight pulling me down and the forever lingering dark sgadow of doubt over everything everything everything. how tragic is that the true source of destruction in my life isn't external but internal, self-induced torture. and perhaps i'd miss my parents but every day that passes where they don't ask about the things that are too difficult to talk about, the thought of seperation becomes easier and maybe even desirable. so i search through houses and plan logistics and dream of new people and places but i'll never leave. i'm trapped in an eternal suffering. sentenced only by my own mind. for the people here hurt me and i hurt them but they're all i've got and all i've ever known and i can't stand the thought of leaving them.
25.8.22
i can't say i love him and i don't know if it's because it's not true or maybe i'm just desperately trying to avoid that deeply uneasy feeling of vulnerability, of laying yourself out in front of someone in surrender and allowing them to make the choice to lay beside you or step over you in disdain. or maybe it's because of the feeling that sinks into my chest when i think about how he never did anything wrong exactly, just never did anything at all. i would have given it all up for him and i think sometimes i already have because what am i without him? without this situation that tortures me and reminds me i can feel? maybe it's fear. what if i love him and he turns me away? what if we love each other and then some time later he decides he doesn't anymore? what if he realises i'm not very good and disposes of me like the insignificant piece of nothing i like to think i am? what if i don't love him or anyone? i don't know if i love him because i've felt nothing since he stomped on my heart and showed in so many ways how i wasn't and could never be enough. so i don't know if i ever really love him, but if i ever lose that feeling of need and want and desire for him him him, if i already have, i think i'd wish for it back.
24.8.22
Sometimes a good song comes on at work and suddenly I can imagine myself living this for the rest of my life and maybe it's not so bad after all, but it's always only ever temporary. Fleeting in the same way everything I've ever felt was and maybe (god I hope not) everything that is still to come because my nails are broken and I find myself bleeding every night as I claw open boxes for a company that doesn't care about me and doesn't have to, for people who want me for my services but don't really know me because that is not what I'm for. they'll give me bandaids and pretty words but its not the cuts on my hands that need healing. it's the person i am behind the weary eyes and underneath the pale skin that clings too close to my bones. it's me. for i know all this and still i do nothing but continue and it is the greatest disservice to my soul anyone has ever committed.
24.8.22
"the ground is too frozen to bury your father, we'll wait till spring" oh yeah sure uh huh absolutely. by the way what's in this stew we're eating again
David telling Ellie he used to be a teacher before the outbreak...
Seems unfair that I don't have 18 hours a day to read and write fanfiction. Sleep? Work? What are these nonsense tasks?
you know, i wasn’t expecting to watch ron swanson fall in love and grow old in a zombie apocalypse tonight, but i’m not complaining.
“anything bad in there?”
“just you”
is literally such a dad joke and the fact that joel KEEPS USING IT makes it funnier. not only is he a Dad™️, he’s a dad that commits to a bit.
“They didn’t teach us how their shitty government failed to prevent a pandemic” THE SHADEEEE
My boyfriend makes memes and then I post them. He’s the meme machine. I just cried really hard.
The last of us: we interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to give you an iconic short film about two gay men growing old together in the apocalypse.