Bree

Dogs are too pure honestly

did I ever mention that I know someone whose family owned a zombie dog because that’s some real shit that I get to delight with at parties

Tell us that story?

okay here is the story of the zombie dog

this dog’s name was John. they found him half drowned in a bag of puppies that were not so fortunate as he was, and was taken in immediately. he was a runt and not quite right (most likely from the whole half drowned thing), but a very loving dog. the problem with John was that he smelled like death, and no one knew why. vets couldn’t figure it out. it was obviously some kind of skin problem, but they had no idea what kind. all anyone knew was that if you touched him, you would smell like death too, so you couldn’t pet him, and that for some reason, the only thing that made the smell go away was being around other dogs. so they got another dog and the death smell stopped and John lived a very happy life

when he was getting old, maybe about 15 years, part of his skull caved in. just like that! suddenly had a huge dent in his head! and he was totally fine. didn’t notice it, didn’t affect him at all. just this massive dent right there in his head where his skull had collapsed in on his brain, and he was still the happiest and most loving dog. the skull cave in, for whatever reason, caused the ear on that side of his head to just fall off entirely, but again, perfectly happy dog who did not know he was down an ear and a fully formed skull. they took him to the vet, thinking maybe they should put him down. I mean, wouldn’t you think so? but the vet said that the dog was eating, and pooping, and happy, so there was no reason to put him down, so they didn’t

but that’s not even the weird part. the weird part is the area of the brain that got caved in on was apparently the area that registers pain, so this one-eared, collapsed skull dog could no longer feel any pain. he got old, his joints got stiff, his teeth rotted out of his head, his tongue hung out of his mouth and got black and hard, and he felt none of it! in fact, he was happier than he’d ever been feeling no pain, and the fact that he didn’t feel how much he was falling apart somehow made him live until he was 23. that’s right, the collapsed skull, one eared, zero teeth, smells like literal death when alone dog lived to be 23 years old. they used to joke that he’d been dead for years, but was too stupid to realize it yet

and that’s the story about the literal zombie dog my friend’s family owned

I'n simultaneously delighted, alarmed, a little horrified and impressed all at once.

Lana’s reaction omg

You fffffucking didn’t

I just saw smash mouth and got to throw down to the shrek song

xDULOCxHARDxCOREX

im not even in the one direction fandom but i follow all the scandals like a suburban wine mom asking her teenage daughter about the high school drama

Watch: John Cena continues, “So, let’s try this one more time. Close your eyes.” 

why isn’t there a STRAIGHT pride parade?? why isn’t there WHITE history month? why isn’t there an international MEN’S day!? why isn’t there a hospital for WELL people?? why isn’t there a soup kitchen for RICH people??!?

why isn’t there a cemetery for LIVING PEOPLE

I was going to be mad but now I’m just laughing

The most beautiful 5 hour hike leading to a tea house in the mountains

when the test question says “describe what’s happening in the picture” but the picture be like

So apparently in my sister’s class, there was a trans girl that had been on the cheerleading squad for a while. When she came out, the other girls on the squad made the agreement that whatever boy made fun of her would never get a date. And if you think that’s not the most metal girl alliance ever, you can sit down.

Girls protecting girls.

GIRLS PROTECTING GIRLS

I’m just really glad

I died a little

Yesterday I went to dinner to catch up with my buddy from the math department, and he told me this story about how he ran the city marathon in 2 hours, 59 minutes. That’s an amazing time. He was 19th out of thousands. 

He was doing pretty well for the first half, but then his ankle started to hurt. He slowed down for a bit, but then this girl he passed before passed him, and he started overthinking whether or not it was awkward to pass the same person multiple times, and, like, what if they small-talked about it? He decided it was better to pass her and stay ahead, so he picked up the pace. A few miles later, he fell in with two dude-bros who started talking to him. Not pleased to find himself in the company of dude-bros, he pulled ahead once again. This continued for a while; every time he got closed to a group of other marathoners, his social anxiety kicked in and he ran faster because he felt nervous being near people. 

TL;DR A mathematician ran an record marathon to avoid making small-talk with randos. He introverted his way into qualifying for the Boston marathon.