Someone said 2012 walked so that 2020 could fly lmao

Legitimately one of my favorite Onion articles

September 1st.

Gaga and Florence 50 years from now talking about how they never performed Hey Girl

At Subway...

Me: And can I have extra mustard please

Worker: Sure just tell me when…..

Me: 

Worker:

Me: Okay that’s good, thanks…. 

Worker: *not stopping* *orgasming* 

Me: STOP THAT’S TOO MUCH

Worker: *Still adding mustard*

Me:

Worker: Great! Thanks! The magic word! 

Worker: Would you like anything else?

Me: 

Worker: Okay that’ll be $7.50

Me: *pays* 

Mom: Where is my fucking change?

This is so dumb i should not be laughing this hard

this feels…eerily accurate.

A personal attack

A part of me wants Cersei to be the last one standing at the end, just to see how she does it.

me: hey mom look what i got

mom: it better not be a frog

me:

Being the family’s assigned IT person is fun because everyone gets annoyed when you don’t know what to do

also they don’t try to do or teach themselves anything, becuse they can just get you to do it for them!

and it’s such a chore to put on the pennywise makeup every day too like ugh

My mattress is strapped to eight roombas and I leave all my doors open at night so the roombas can go where they want to. I wake up where they want me to be. I trust their decisions.

me with 0 drinks in me, unprompted: lorde literally INVENTED the sad indie girl pop sound that artists like alessia cara and halsey are using today when she was only fifteen years old and the reason royals was such a hit was because it sounded like nothing else on the radio or the charts at the moment and for someone who has been so influential she is criminally underappreciated in this essay i will

getting ready to joust at hole depot :)

home depot* jesus christ

This scene changed my life

hey everyone thanks for coming to the show we’re Arlene Titty Pills

Trudy Molluscum

Betty Fungal Infection