I have never wanted something more.

when u wake up at 3am and forgot to put ur water on ur nightstand

There are so many better possible uses of this image

then post them urself does it look like i have time to be the sole provider of this meme?

me: logs into gmail from a different computer

my phone, having a nervous breakdown: if you don’t confirm your identity in the next ten seconds i’m gonna shoot your whole family and then myself

CHECK!!!

im rude to hot waitresses so they’ll spit in my food

this is how i run in nightmares

I’ve never been able to describe what it’s like running in nightmares. This gif is a PERFECT representation!

Coder’s plight. [@badsciencejokes]

Happiness Will Come To You.

when tho

When You Least Expect It. Probably Late March

reblog for happiness to come for you in late march!

(via JordanPeele)

One day you’re not old and the next day you have a favorite supermarket

We were a perfect match, perhaps that’s why we burnt out.

kid in a cartoon: (breaks their piggy bank to get the money)

me:

Bless Stranger Things for remembering THERE ARE PLUGS/CORKS ON THE BOTTOM OF PIGGY BANKS SO STOP BREAKING THEM

I could never go to Australia because dingos look like normal dogs and I couldn’t trust myself not to try to pet them.

what do you mean these good boys can kill me

Dingo

Also Dingo

danger shiba inu

I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT NUMBER 4 IS GREAT.

These are genius

I lost it at number 10

“the worst analogies” are the ones you use to write comedy pieces with. They work like a charm if you do them right.

#you say ‘worst analogies’ i say ‘heirs of douglas adams’

My favorite thing is that Europe is spooky because it’s old and America is spooky because it’s big

“The difference between America and England is that Americans think 100 years is a long time, while the English think 100 miles is a long way.” –Earle Hitchner

A fave of mine was always the american tales where people freaked out because ‘someone died in this house’ and all the europeans would go ‘…Yes? That would be pretty much every house over 40 years old.’

‘…My school is older than your entire town.’

‘Sorry, you think *how far* is okay to travel for a shopping trip?’

*American looks up at the beams in a country pub* ‘Uh, this place has woodworm, isn’t that a bit unsafe?’ ‘Eh, the woodworm’s 400 years old, it’s holding those beams together.’

A few years ago when I was in college I did a summer program at Cambridge aimed specifically at Americans and Canadians, and my year it was all Americans and one Australian.  We ended the program with a week in Wessex, and on the last day as we all piled onto the bus in Salisbury (or Bath? I can’t remember), the professors went to the front to warn us that we wouldn’t be making any stops unless absolutely necessary.  We’re headed to Heathrow to drop off anyone flying off the same day, then back to Cambridge.

“All right, it’s going to be a long bus ride, so make sure you’re prepared for that.”

We all brace ourselves.  A long bus ride?  How long?  We’re Americans; a long bus ride for us is a minimum of six hours with the double digits perfectly plausible.  We can handle a twelve hour bus ride as long as we get a bathroom break.

The answer.  “Two hours.”

Oh.

English people trying to travel around Australia and wildly underestimating distance are my favourite thing

a tour guide in France told my school group that a particular cathedral wouldn’t interest us much because “it’s not very old; only from the early 1600s”

to which we had to respond that it was still older than the oldest surviving European-style buildings in our country

China is both old and big. I had some Chinese colleagues over; we were discussing whether they wanted to see the Vasa ship (hugely expensive war ship which sank on it’s maiden voyage after 12 min). They asked if it was old, I said “not THAT old” (bearing in mind they were Chinese) “it’s from the 1500s.” To my surprise they still looked impressed, nodding enthusiatically. Then I realised I’d forgotten something: “…I mean it’s from the 1500s AFTER the birth of Christ” and they went “oh, AFTER…”.

My dad’s favorite quote from various tours in Italy was “Pay no attention to the tower – it was a [scornful tone] tenth century addition.”

My last boss was Chinese, and she said when her parents came to visit her from Beijing they pronounced Chicago “A very nice village.” 

This post keeps getting better

When we had exchange students living with us from China. They said a population of 8 million is a “small town”. That’s about the population of New York City.