you say it's my villain era and what you mean is that when you were six you panicked about wearing the right thing to kindergarten, what you mean is that in middle school nobody was eating, what you mean is that you spent high school prepping for college and college prepping for adulthood and adulthood fucking lost in the system.

what you mean is that you've been good. you were a good team player. you would have never considered yourself perfectionist - those are people more popular, prettier, more successful - but you carry any flaw like a secret in you, terrified someone will desert you for the simple reality of your personhood.

if you were good you could be loved. you could be loved if you were selfless and thoughtful and caring. if you bent over for every person, if you went above-and-beyond, it would absolve you of who you actually were. deep down, how horrible that you had needs. that you had boundaries, that you had desires. you learned young that you cannot afford to cut people out of your life - you would have nothing left. it is better to live in the service of others, to supplicate. to worship. you weren't exceptional, you had to make up for it in some way. to prove to others you were worthy.

if they need you, it's the same thing as loving you. if you are always-there, always-listening, always-friendly, you are filling a role. you have a purpose. you are living correctly.

villain era, you repeat. you mean: yesterday you finally told a man no. for hours afterwards, you couldn't control your heartbeat. you mean: you've been saying positive affirmations on repeat, trying to teach yourself any new thing about how self care is necessary. you mean: three weeks ago, due to a scheduling conflict, you finally told a coworker that no, you couldn't do them a "quick favor". you have felt bad about that ever since. sure, it would have made you work late and it would have been extra stress - but you feel bad about it nevertheless.

you tell your therapist you have been leaning into evil. she asks what that means. when you tell her: sometimes i prioritize my own needs, she doesn't find it funny. she looks at you a long time.

"and that's evil?" she clarifies.

"well," you say. "feels evil to me."

me when i get too comfortable and start sharing things about myself

What’s the mood Today?

have a nice day :)

China is putting Uyghur Muslims into Concentration Camps

This is one of the greatest attrocities and oppression taking place in the world today yet still it is one of the least talked about issues. It’s estimated possibly over 2 million Uyghur Muslims have been put into these concentration camps which China calls “re-edcuation camps” and the goals is to wipe out and clean them from their cultural and religious identity. They have built dozens of these camps with fortified walls and barbed wire fences which they hide from the world media.

China sees Islam as an ‘ideological disease’. Many of the people put in these camps don’t make it out alive due to to the harsh living conditions inside. Many leave behind children who are then sent to government run orphanages and are brainwashed from a young age removing their cultural and religious identity.

Uyghur Muslims can be arrested and put in these camps for the smallest of reasons and every step they take is monitored by the authorities. Facial recognition cameras and high tech equipment has been deployed in East Turkestan turning it into a complete surveillance state. This isn’t fantasy or ‘fake news’. This is happening now in East Turkestan. Don’t let history repeat itself. Share and let the world know the truth.

this pandemic will end and you’ll claim the window seat in your favorite cafe, stand in a crowd at a concert, visit a museum and make crappy art in the park. sometimes things feel like they’ll go on forever, sometimes bad things feel heavier than good things, sometimes life feels like it’s slowing down and all you’re doing is waiting for the full stop— but just because this hopelessness is all that you’re feeling right now, doesn’t mean that it’s all there is. there’s always more and you will experience that, and you will feel alive again.

high-key hoping i die in my sleep tonight. (ಡ ͜ ಡ)

Before January ends, I’m going to magically and extremely be blessed by the universe.

claiming this

Contagion (2011) dir. Steven Soderbergh

you know what sucks? everything bye

— melanie martinez icons.

like or credits on twitter @sethcvpella.

Gotta make room for new mistakes in 2021!

mental illness is so funny like what's wrong with me <3 I already know but what's wrong with me <3