oli

good morning friends!

i leave for residential in a few hours. i’m very scared i’m not even gonna lie. but that’s okay! i’ll be there for 30 days minimum, but i kind of suspect it’ll end up being longer. i guess we’ll see.

nerves kicked in as soon as i opened my eyes this morning so i did in fact end up taking an edible, but that’s my last one ever because i’m also getting sober while i’m gone, so.

anyway. please take care of yourselves! be nice to yourself and each other! enjoy the summer time!

talk to y’all in a bit. <3

my admission got pushed back to next sunday. 🥲

y’all insurance is making me want to CRYYYYYYY.

the residential i want to go to is out of network with my insurance eso they won’t cover treatment. but the place filed for a single case exception bc they do a combo treatment of eating disorder + substance abuse + ptsd + co-occurring mental illness, instead of just ed with maybe general mh. and there’s no other place in the country with the kind of treatment they have so i really just need to go there. but insurance has denied the two SCE requests so far which sucks, so now the financial team at the resi is trying a different tactic by like giving them more info and framing it as not just an ed issue i think? i don’t know.

they’re trying really hard to make this happen, and i’m grateful. and the intake person i’m working with is going to speak with the owner of the org to see how low they can make the out of pocket cost for me since i’m 22, unemployed, have no family + am approaching 2 decades with my ed. basically trying to stress that i desperately need it, which again, i am grateful for.

but …. it’s been so hard feeling like the universe is throwing everything possible at me to stop this from happening. i’m so tired, and the motivation i have to do this is fading so fast. my arms are covered in S H, because there’s no one else home right now and i might as well do it now before i leave and get better, right? i’m b/ping a bit more too, have a bunch of stuff in the way rn for a couple rounds probably. basically just a very steep decline rn and i’m like so over it.

oh and on top of this i went to the doc and got blood work done on tuesday and we asked them to expedite the results to try and get them in 24 hours, because i can get admitted the day after they get my results. but they said their labs have been delayed lately and don’t know how long it will take which fucking sucks. she was like oh haha might be more like two days but now it’s been two days and nothing came yet :/

anyway that’s my rant of the night, my admission keeps getting pushed back and i just like want to be there instead of being in this limbo

hi friends!

you can call me c, or oli, whichever u prefer.

those of you who have followed me for a bit may notice i’ve deleted most of my posts! this is because i’m now in active recovery, and admitted to residential eating disorder treatment. i’ll be offline until august or maybe september.

i won’t be very active on edblr specifically anymore aside from recovery rants. though i bet there will be a lot of those! and i invite you all to stick around for whatever other bullshit i’ll be posting from now on!!!!

hi friends!

so, with my admission coming up like next week i’m gonna a clean out this acc a little bit. if we’re mutuals i won’t unfollow u but i will mute any ed tags so if i interact w u less once im back im sorry :(

just not sure im gonna want to abandon this account completely so i want to set it up in such a way that if i do come back in here once i’m out, i don’t just instantly relapse since i am probably paying this out of pocket 😵‍💫 so i don’t want to waste the money ykwim

anyway, luv y’all, might post a lil more before i go but then i won’t be back until like sometime in august. still crazy that i’m even doing this and i feel lots of things about it but it’s fine

i feel so dumb for throwing away my chance at an exit in august. now im spending a shit ton of money on treatment that i don’t even deserve and all it’s gonna do is make me fatter and lie to me about how worthy i am. blah blah blah. im so annoyed and conflicted and like i want to get better but also i know that if or when i relapse im going to be so horribly angry with myself for it.

literally think i might be in resi by the next of next week. holy fuck.

heard back from that resi place today. gotta do so much medical stuff beforehand but there’s a high chance im actually going. this feels surreal im not gonna lie

i’m conflicted. i hate it but it’s true. tw sewerslide im sorry i just gotta get it out of my brain

ugh i can’t believe i lost my iconic celsius post from my old account :( that makes me sad. maybe i’ll remake it. most notes i’ve ever gotten were on that post and i was so happy because i genuinely adore celsius lmao

fridge transformation! still not great lmao but it is what is is. there’s only so much you can do when the thing giving me the ick now is just what’s in the fridge instead of how it’s organized, but it’s shared, so i can’t change that. at least i can open it without wanting to cry now lmao. the freezer is another story unfortunately but i just won’t go in there because i JUST organized it like a month ago and it was gorg until other people stayed here. sigh :/

just woke up again. i can’t believe i went back to sleep until 2pm??? i ….. have literally never done this before. not even when i had covid.

i don’t even feel bad about it, my options really were more sleep or getting way too high or hurting myself so i guess i took the safest path

i wish i was d3ad. i regret filling out that contact form. i’m so scared of getting better. maybe i’ll plan my sewerslide. instead of going to living hell, i’ll just go to actual hell.

i just don’t wanna be here. i really think i wasn’t meant to live this long and i feel like i have peaked. i know i’m never going to end up in a loving relationship, and i fucking hate myself. from the day i was born i made peoples lives worse. my birth ruined my parents’ marriage. i’m not just a broken person, but a selfish one. i know no one will ever love me. why would they?

i ruined my parents marriage by being born. and my mom wouldn’t stop smoking because she was too stressed from their failed marriage. and she died of lung cancer, which she got because she wouldnt stop smoking, which happened because her marriage failed, which happened because i was born. that’s what keeps running through my head. the pathway from my birth to her death is so clear. it isn’t my fault, but it is.

an eye for an eye. a life for a life. something like that.

i know i’m never gonna get better. i can try but im sure it will just creep back in as soon as i’m out. there’s no point. i’ll do whatever i do for now, and go to res or don’t, and go to nyc or dont. but if i go to nyc, i think i’ll do it then. i can just go crazy and drink and get high and have fun and then do it. go out with a bang and let them think i went missing. they will worry for once; they’ll think i matter. i dont. they’ll forget about me after a week if i’m not found. or as soon as i’m in the ground if i am.

i think i just want to be done. i didn’t realize it before, but i do now. well, maybe i did realize it. but i tried to pretend it wasn’t real. it is. i’m tired. i want a break. i know how to get one. just gotta wait a little bit.