all things green

dunno if ppl will see this but trigger warning : unaliving words.

so here’s the thing. 

i am afraid. every day i am so chronically sad. everything is a reminder. reminder of what im not. reminder of what I can’t have. reminder of what was. reminder of what will never be. and yeah I hold on to life because maybe I can stay alive long enough so that things get better. Maybe if I keep working out I’ll lose enough weight and I will love myself again. Maybe I’ll graduate law school and land a job and be successful and make money. Maybe I’ll find someone who will treat me right and I can have a nice, healthy relationship. But those are all maybes. And I am afraid of those things not happening. I am afraid that my only option is suicide. I am afraid I will commit suicide. I am afraid of dying. I am afraid I am going to die. I’m not happy anymore. I don’t eat. I barely sleep. I spend my time alone. I stay in the dark. Reading. Playing my guitar. When I’m with people I want to leave. Be alone. I feel so tired all of the time. Tired of being here. I try to find purpose in serving others. I try to be there for my friends. I do favors, I run errands. But it’s not enough. I am not enough. I know I will never be enough. I am not handsome enough. I am not skinny enough. I am not ripped enough. I am not rich enough. I am not smart enough. I am not successful enough. I am not healthy enough. I am not loving enough. I am not kind enough. I am not adequate or desirable enough. I am not enough. So I am afraid that because I am not enough - I will never be enough. No matter what I do. And I want to give up. I keep postponing the dates. First was 12/24. Then was 12/31. Now it’s 2/12. It might change to 2/24. I just keep pushing the date because I’m holding on. And I don’t want to hold on anymore. I’m so tired. I want to feel loved. I want to feel special. I want to be hugged. I want to know that I am a good man. I want to know I am wanted. I want to know that I am enough for someone. But I am not. So I want to give up.  I  am afraid that I’m not strong enough to give up. And I want to give up. So much. I am tired and sad and afraid everyday. And I know I won’t be once I give up. But I am afraid.