espérer

It is somehow wonderful to think that there is hope in each new day. Like even the tiniest bit of hope, you cling onto it because you want to feel how worth it could it be, to have an ounce of courage, motivation, and strength in moments of desperation, tribulation, or hopelessness.

I like it that way.

That hope works to be the only reason you wake up after a long night.

That hope works to be your defense for all the world's uncertainty.

That hope works to be a shining light appearing at the end of a tunnel.

Hope it is. A beautiful word. One that teaches everyone else to be hopeful at existing.

Dante Alighieri once said: "There is no greater sorrow than to recall happiness in times of misery."

Damn, I know. 

When Emily Dickinson said:

"I'm Nobody"

Damn, I felt that.

I feel like sometimes I'm running out of time so I have to rush things over, and suddenly when I'm in the middle of doing something, I think that I have so many time to use. Then I would start entertaining myself by scrolling through social media, and doing nothing about the stuffs I need to work on.

Here is a story I wrote to let people know how I knew I am attracted to women.

*in case I die later*

Let's begin when I was 11 years old at school, practicing choreography and movements with my other school mates, when I saw this beautiful, long-haired girl who walked in on the gymnasium with flashes of her smile.

I knew there was something different.

Something new.

Something nerve-wracking.

Something inspiring.

*because we're joining a competition*

We had practices every day, and every time I'm in that moment, I always find her eyes to look at, her presence to make me happy.

One day, oh it was Saturday so we had a whole day practice, I told one school mate of mine that:

"I want to be her best friend." while sipping a soda drink.

*I'm seriously laughing right now because of how I remember myself back then.*

"Really? I would tell her." my school m8 said back to me.

"Oh no no no. Don't tell her!"

*Can you feel the gay panic I felt?*

But, the school m8 still told her and... I'm dead-shy at that point of my life.

Well you see, we had few conversations, and most of that time, my hands were freezing cold.

I knew back then, that I don't want to be her best friend.

I swear to God, she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in life, well at least in my school.

and she...

Is my first cursh.

My first love.

That is why I told my school mate that I want her to be my best friend because I can't directly say that I HAVE A HUGE crush on her.

*one month later*

It was her birthday!

I told her that I'm gonna be giving her a gift - which is a birthday letter! *geez totally brave*

And told her to meet me at the kiosk, in front of the building to where our classrooms are located.

Her last class in the afternoon is dismissed earlier than mine. I looked out to the window, and I saw her beautifully standing at the kiosk, waiting for me.

Our class is finished so I need to run at her and greet her a warm birthday greeting and give her the letter and probably, hug her.

BUT NO.

Our class is finished, but I don't know why I suddenly felt sooOo nervous that I just have to look at her and not coming to where she is. It was like I took steps backward, while she is there still standing,

Waiting for me.

I know her dad picks her up from our school, so it was a matter of time if I can still give it to her. She stood there, until she walked away, slowly.

Great. Her dad maybe, arrived at the school gate.

And now, I am confused if I should give it to her or not, still nervous, but... a word is a word. I told her that I'm gonna be giving her a letter, then I shall do so!

SO I RAN. I hope it is never too late.

I RAN until I saw her back. She was heading at the school gate!

I RAN until I managed to say her name and softly tap her shoulder.

I was catching my breath when she looked back and our eyes met.

You know what I felt in that moment?

The people around us are like in a time-lapse, and us, on our own bubble.

I gave her the letter, I smiled, she smiled. She said a thank you and I said a sorry.

I smiled my face all through the time I went back home.

SO. That was it.

After that, began the time when I had crushes on girls.

Now, I do not know where the letter is - if she still has it or dumped it away. We have no communication since high school. That's just it.

She was like my gay awakening.

I'll tell you a secret:

It's about the words I feel,

the letters I tell in a stanza,

the disguised emotions,

in a poem.

I love her,

the poems.

She may be with the sun

Or with the gray clouds,

admiration still grows.

She's a soulmate,

mine, and from my inner world

the poet am I,

she sees me,

the only one who understands.

If the Reaper smiles at me,

can you tell those breathes,

I adore her

Always and never-ending -

a poet's subject.

and why am I so inactive here??? i'm so sorry my tumblr mind

Forever – is composed of Nows –

‘Tis not a different time –

Except for Infiniteness –

And Latitude of Home –

From this – experienced Here –

Remove the Dates – to These –

Let Months dissolve in further Months –

And Years – exhale in Years –

Without Debate – or Pause –

Or Celebrated Days –

No different Our Years would be

From Anno Dominies –

Is it ironic to feel unmotivated yet you want success in life?

The universe isn't beautiful without the meticulous theories and stories about how it began, how it came with life. It must have been a loud or silent creation, detailed and organized load of work - all the possible route to create, days to act. Behold, the universe is here. There was action. Otherwise, nothing is here.

Now I know the answer.

It is ironic, but not to be tolerated. Take time to feel pathetic, but not for too long. No substantial growth can take place when all is served in easy ways. A runner on a maze always win whenever he puts his heart and soul into his thoughts of success. He can never know where he should go, or what path does he need to choose to guarantee a worthwhile journey. He steps back, that's okay. He rests for some time, that's good. He asks for help, that's okay. He cries, that's valid. Whenever, wherever he may be, there are setbacks and opportunities, failures and wins, he got strength to overpower weaknesses; it is just a matter of how he weighs variables in life. When his drive for a beautiful success overcomes the many opposition in that maze, he can't lose nothing, except regrets.

The irony in life sometimes takes out the realest lesson it could teach us and it is on us to grab a perspective that's gonna serve us a long ang happy life; to reach the end of the maze and to feel how our life can be as beautiful as the universe.