Self loathing #1
Growing up is hard when you have Asian parent and are boomers, lol. They are addicted in shaping their children's lives some succeeded and some ended up being a rebel. I Guess I was a rebel? I had a secret boyfriend for 2 years and we were pretty toxic to the point that I failed most of my subjects during the 1st term of my college, my dad knew about it and took my phone away and I literally snapped and did cuts. well im a really fucked up daughter back then. I begged for him to take me back because after trying to take my freaking life he sent me to my mom’s hometown (it was more like a rehab place for me) they were supportive as hell and my boyfriend back then bailed on me like literally he went AWOL so fuck him. I went back for college try to make everything right again but then things fucked up because I met a guy who’s manipulative. I was so eager to be loved or to feel love to the point that I no longer know what kind of love I deserve because I can’t feel anything affectionate from my own parents. Things didnt end well for the both of us, I was a complete mess and I just stopped looking for love I was sick of it. sick of not getting the same love I am giving I focused on studies and friends and I was so happy until I met another guy who’s 7 years older than me, Architecture is his second degree, he’s so kind and amazing. we started going out but with friends of course, I didnt want it that time but it just happened I fell for him and now we’re on our 25 months of being together no fighting and not a toxic relationship though we indeed had a hard time before but mainly because I have trust issues already. He reciprocate everything I do for him and he even gives me more. he stopped working when the pandemic started and we had so much time to video call each other but now that he started working I felt so low. I’m supposed to be graduating this 2020 but I extended because its so hard to get subjects and I failed a bunch of subjects back then. I feel so unmotivated to study my profession. im being lazy and I complain about it in my mind that im not doing what i am supposed to be doing. I mean others are done with their thesis defense and some are working students at a firm while schooling. I keep comparing but what am I really doing to change it?
