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@spookybaltimore

The saddest thing is that most people will find this humorous instead of serious. We’re standing right beside one another, and yet we text others instead of actually speaking to each other. Have you ever sat down and thought about how uncomfortable we now are around one another that it’s so bad that we literally pretend to be texting someone when we’re not, just so it’s less awkward to stand beside people? What’s supposed to strengthen our bonds has taken away from it. It’s time to take our faces out of our phones and notice the world, give a kind gesture to someone, and go SEE your friends instead of just texting them.

I’m going to let that sink in.

Ah yes let me just up and leave school right in between my classes so I can go see the friend 40 miles away that i’m currently texting instead of making idle chit chat with the people around me that I don’t particularly care for. Fuck your pretentious shit.

“whines evil technology is making people antisocial its not real communication if its not face to face and im a pretentious self righteous shitbaby that asks random people on the street for the time and feels good about it”

be careful making wishes in the

remember when i used to be funny

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john mulaney and pancakes

ok SO john mulaney has a new live show on the netflicks (the comeback kid) and i was lucky enough to see him do this act live in milwaukee this summer!!! but the recorded show is missing something special

so summer in milwaukee is known for being like. comically humid. disgustingly, oppressively humid. ‘can’t tell the difference between being downtown and being literally submerged in lake michigan’ humid

and poor john mulaney was wearing a nice-looking but also very warm suit. so once about every 10-20 minutes he would pause whatever spiel he was on, wipe his forehead, flutter his jacket about, regret his fashion choices and ask what was wrong with us that we don’t properly air condition our venues

about halfway through the show, a woman in one of the front rows stood up and started to walk out so in classic mulaney fashion he razzed her that she couldn’t take the heat either and asked her to bring him a pepsi - she didn’t break stride (i would try to play it cool too if over a thousand people were suddenly watching me get razzed by mulaney)

as soon as she was out of the theatre, he turned his mic off and started yelling to those of us who were still in there

okay guys, we’re going to play a little prank on her! can everyone hear me? WE’RE GOING TO PLAY A PRANK! at some point later in the show i’m going to say ‘you know what they say in milwaukee!!’ and you’re all going to wave your arm around like this’ - he jauntily waved his arm with his first finger outstretched, like an 80 year old man doing the charleston - ‘and you will all shout ‘gimme some PANcakes!!!’’

we did a few rehearsals of this until he was satisfied, and he turned his mic back on and continued with his act

a few minutes later the woman walked back through the theatre but passed her row, walked all the way up to the stage, and set a can of pepsi at mulaney’s feet. he stopped, mouth agape for a moment and touched his chest. ‘is this really for me?’ he asked. ‘did i ask you for pepsi? i have no idea why i would do that, i hate pepsi.’ he thanked her sincerely several times, and when she turned his back to him to return to her seat, he made frantic ‘kill’ motions across his throat to signal to us that the prank was off

he continued to lament the heat for the rest of his act, eventually lost the jacket and drank the gifted pepsi, grimacing cartoonishly every time. at the very end of the night he thanked us for being a great audience, thanked the woman in particular for her kindness, and triumphantly said ‘BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY IN MILWAUKEE!!!’ and 1 very generous women was hopelessly confused when 1299 people shouted ‘GIMME SOME PANCAKES!!!!!’

If, according to Kanye West, one good girl is worth a thousand bitches, and if, according to Lil Wayne, bitches come a dime a dozen, it means that one good girl is worth $8.33 USD (2015).

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thank you for this

I need the equation you used for this

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It’s your basic equation substitution method. You simplify the second equation from Lil Wayne (the blue one) and plug it into the original equation from Kanye (red one) and solve for the answer (green).

I hate this website

This could be a SAT question

What the… but… how… wha…. how did this person…. I…

image

i just wrote -2-2x= like 75 times on a paper oh god

i filled up both sides

what just happened

this makes me uncomfortable, 

then do =x+2+ for the next part

for “or blow me a kiss, and that’s lucky too” it’s =+1=+1

What is this sorcery?!?!

this is my favorite post on tumblr

the ending is: 12=x1=

So I just worked out the whole song, and here you go:

- 2 - 2 x = = x + 2 + - 2 - 2 x = = x + 2 + = + 1 = + 1

- 7 2 + 7 = x + 2 + = 2 + 2 1 = x + 2 +

- 2 - 2 x = = x + 2 + - 2 - 2 x = = x + 2 + - 2 - 2 x = = x + 2 + - 2 - 2 x = = x + 2 +

- 7 2 + 7 = x + 2 +

- 7 2 + 7 = x + 2 + = 7 7 2 + = x + 2 + = x - 7 - 2

- 2 - 2 x = = x + 2 + = x + 2 1 = x + 2 + 1 2 = x 1 =

My mind just broke

*writes furiously*

Mom: Are you writing an essay?

Me: Hm? Wha-oh yeah. An essay. Definitely. 

I def just wrote this on a piece of paper while laughing and my friends are now judging me hardcore

Imagine a Muslim Witch

Her parents are severely alarmed at her first incident of accidental magic, when she’s a baby and summons the apple slice right out of her distracted mother’s hand. They read Quran over her and throughout the house to ward against djinn, but the accidental magic continues, so the write ayat-ul qursi and put it in a locket for her to wear to protect her from the evil eye and sihr.

Nothing stops, and since she doesn’t act possessed, they decide its just a miracle from God, makes sure she reads Quran and does her prayers, and make dua, and she grows up well-adjusted and slightly worried about this ability of her. Her parents make sure she doesn’t get a big head and think she’s a saint or something.

Then she turns 11, and McGonagall comes to tell them about Hogwarts. The parents are sceptical and demand some kind of proof that this woman isn’t about to spirit their daughter away. McGonagall is taken aback that the issue for these Muggles isn’t the magic so much as the ‘invisible boarding school we can’t tell is safe or not’. 

So she gathers other Muggle parents to testify that their daughter is going to a real and proper school, and that’s that, she’s off to Hogwarts. She gets sorted into Ravenclaw (but almost into Slytherin for all that ambition she has). 

Through the years, though, things she never considered comes up. Like how she’s basically a vegetarian at Hogwarts in her first year cause the house-elves don’t know about halaal meat, or how everyone looks at her funnily when in Third Year she gets special permission from Dumbledore to break from classes for prayer (and she learns to be quiet for Fajr when her roommates complain).

Or how Madame Pomfrey gets worried about her fasting in Ramadan, and the house-elves are insulted when she won’t eat their food until she explains, and then stuff her full of food half an hour before Fajr and at Maghrib.

Or that she takes to healing the muggle way because not all those potions have ingredients that she can ingest, and she talks to a sheikh for advice on if salamanders and bat eyes are actually halaal. 

And then its a struggle to be the only hijabi in the school, and she makes friends with the Baron so he stops Peeves from trying to pull it off all the time.

And how annoying it is when the only holidays that get celebrated are Christian ones, and that’s when she makes friends with Anthony Goldstein, who agrees that there should be more religious diversity so he can really enjoy Hannukah at school. 

She gets in trouble for saying her spells in Arabic, to the consternation of all her professors who don’t understand the language and insist that its dangerous if they can’t govern her spell-casting.

So she starts a duelling club, and Padma joins her and casts spells in Punjabi, and Anthony who does his spells in Hebrew (they’re not making up spells, just changing the language, and isn’t it funny that the spells are always a teensy bit different?), and others trickle in, and new magic gets practiced under the supervision of a Ministry hire who encourages them and speaks sixteen different languages.

Then people claim she’s a frigid freak because she keeps turning down boys who want to date her (even though she really likes them), until she puts the gossipers in the Hospital Wing, and then no one says anything after that.

She worries about the practical non-existence of Muslims in Wizarding Britain, and will that affect the jobs she can get, because wizards and witches are a bit funny about religion?

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story time: i taught my little cousin her first longer word when she was very young. i taught her to say “tax benefits”. and to this day my aunt still doesn’t know where she got it from, but it was a hilarious sight to see a little toddler waddling around the house, wearing a big diaper, all the while yelling “TAX BENEFITS!!!!”

My parents did this with me and “nuclear disarmament”.

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I taught my little brother to say “micro-surgical vasectomy reversal” (saw it on a billboard) on a road trip, and he didn’t stop saying it for literal years.

My parents taught me to chant “Get your laws off our bodies!” for a pro-choice rally when I was like four and I went to preschool and taught all the other kids the chant and led them on a mini-parade around the playground and the teachers were like ?????????? ?????????? ????????????

whenever my brother threw a tantrum as a baby my parents would chant “live free or die” until he calmed down it was fuckin weird

when i was a kid whenever we got stuck in traffic my dad would say “what the fuck?!?” in a very comic voice and i would repeat it and then he would say it with a slightly different inflection and i would repeat that too and so forth and so basically my poor mother would be stuck in standstill traffic listening to her husband and 4 yr old daughter swearing at each other without end

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i’m a preschool teacher and we like to joke around using radical vocabulary with the children, the other day i overheard one kid say ‘this is my truck’ and the other one said ‘no, this truck belongs to the collective’; they all say it now