spoof

today I learned that if you want to slash someone’s tires, don’t slash all four; only slash three because if you slash all four their insurance will pay for it but if you only slash three they have to pay for it all out of pocket 

today on satan makes a blog post

Life tip: if someone slashes 3 of your tires, slash the 4th one yourself and blame it on the person who slashed the first 3. Now, your insurance will pay for it.

Life tip: If you slash 3 of their tires, hide out nearby until they discover their slashed tires. Take pictures of them slashing their fourth tire. Show police when they arrive on scene. Convicted of insurance fraud and still have to pay for tires.

i feel like i’m reading a Spy vs Spy comic in text format

you absolute dumb fucks. Slashing tires is really dangerous and many cars don’t even have tube tires anymore. Cum in the fuel tank

Idiot, that’s indecent exposure in a public location. This is a one way ticket to the sex offender registry.

What you wanna do is lay down some nails or other small sharp objects at the end of their driveway. somewhere they won’t see but will absolutely drive over. this will cause their tires to slowly deflate. They can’t claim insurance on their own negligence to check for sharp objects in their driveway. It is their driveway after all. They should know not to leave nails there.

you can bring cum in a bottle to the car. If you had more than one brain cell you would plan in advance

If you used the one that’s bouncing around in your skull like a windows Screensaver you’d know that the way you worded it implies that you are doing it on the spot rather than pouring it in. If you expect people to read it as you’ve now described you should’ve said “pour cum in their fuel tank”, which implies the cum was prepared ahead of time.

i want someone to cum in my fuel tank 🥴

I hate this website

i love the people i find on here, i need to put you in jars and examine you

All these people and not one landed on “key their car.”

Ok, pedantic insurance bullshit again (debate me later, I also have to live here and exist and pay for shit), but!

1. Whether your insurance covers your tires is really dependent on a lot of things, so there’s no way for me to say “yes this is true” or “no never” because the answer is “what state are you in and who is your carrier”.

2. If you put regular old sugar in someone’s gas tank you have just entirely fucked their car good and proper with no indecent exposure.

Love,

Insurance bro

Another year, another fuck Canada day. Instead of spending money on colonial festivities, support indigenous people today! I am two-spirited and Wetʼsuwetʼen.

I currently live off a minimal disability pension that usually doesn't cover my expenses for the month. I have medication I haven't taken for two months because it isn't covered, and I have heavy debts I've taken on to continue to afford groceries, essentials, and rent.

I am going to school this fall to hopefully work in a position that will allow me to have full-time hours despite my disability, but I need to financially survive until the end of the semester next spring.

P*yp*l & etr*nsfer: ezekielmith@gmail.com

If you’re indigenous to Turtle Island, drop your payment info in the reblogs!

wow, so ig i have to be obnoxious about this huh

had a lot to say but i am, quite frankly, too tired to talk about this in depth rn. if u need more info on my situation feel free to check my blog!

um but basically, its pride month and next month is disability pride month. im a black + otherwise indigenous intersex + trans + otherwise lgbt disabled person who can not work and has no one to help support me financially. rent/utilities are due in a few days, so is my phone bill, and storage is past due. please help if u can! even if its just an rb!

pp, vmo, and $ are all asteronauts. ok i sleep now i love u

$196/$1090. thank you so much to everyone who has helped so far! i just paid house utilities & my phone bill! still need $780 ASAP and the rest can wait a little bit :)

this has stalled. if yall could keep sharing itd be great

rent is past due as of today.

I think the best most human thing in the world is strangers doing a silly thing together

Examples:

- guy at work "Yes, and -" ing the bit me and my coworker were doing where we pretended to be owners of a fantasy medieval tavern not minimum wage retail staff

- at the gay club when Die Young by Kesha came on and two hundred people, all dancing and drinking separately, jumped up and down to make the "- beat of the drums *STOMP STOMP*" as loud as possible

- person who watched me stomp round the beach singing a made up song about breakfast foods to name a cat after and suggested more breakfast foods that would be good cat names

- guy who started a dance off with everyone across the road while waiting for the lights to change

- very tiny girl at the pharmacy interviewing everyone in the queue and every single one of us in turn sat down and answered this toddler's questions like we were on Letterman

The three pillars of humanity, in no particular order, are Joy, Absurdity, and Sharing

What she said. ^^^ I am well over 60, I have been in fandom since I was 12, one way or another, and I ain’t leaving. And misogyny is never attractive.

I’ll be 60 soon and ha ha ha I’m in fandom forever.

(Enjoy your time with other children anon. And I promise you, they’re not creating all the content you love.)

Just turned 70 this last May. 

I am a fan. I’ve been a fan of one or another book series, TV show or comic since I was eight. I’ve been in organized, convention-going and print-based fandoms since I was old enough to vote. My generation invented online fandoms, and I’ve been in them from almost the very beginning of online. I’ve been on CompuServe and AOL and LiveJournal and the other earliest platforms where fandom congregated: Tumblr’s merely one of the newer ones. 

If some adorable, entitled, wet-behind-the-ears wee nonny thinks they’re going to roll up and have a little self-righteous fun shaming some senior Tumblrina into buggering off of here because she’s An Old—and should therefore (by their way of thinking) be embarrassed for enjoying the manifestation of her continuing passion for the best in media along with others, in long-standing community— Well, they’ve got another think coming. 

…And oh yeah: You don’t like it? Then just get off our lawn, sweetiecakes. We were here long before you were, and (if you’re so easily embarrassed) we’ll still be here long after you’re gone. :)

(waves) (And hey, hi there, Atlin!)

Yup.

fistbumps from a 60 year old trans plural

My people! *fistbumps you all*

Fandom hag squad pull up.

if shes your girl then why have i slowly been replacing her parts until there’s nothing left of her original body? is she then still your girl?

They ship of theseus’d my girl

Can’t have shit in Detroit

this actually perfectly demonstrates the transitive property of memes: you can replace a meme piece by piece until it only structurally resembles the original, and it is, in fact, the same meme.

call that the meme of theseus thesis

tumblrites can have a little intertextuality as a treat

my naym is ship and when i’m broke the broken part from me they toke

replace the part had been the plan but in the morn hand door car man

*me shoving transitive properties into my purse* sorry, I have to go

We owe the reddit refugees an apology for making them see posts like this

no we don’t this shit is enrichment in their new enclosure

*slaps roof of Tumblr* This baby can fit so many rare vintages, you just have to go deep enough, there are some great memes in the cellar, come see

all cops are bastards because all cops are just doing their jobs

“I’m just doing what I’m told. If I am ordered to remove gold fillings from refugees theeth then that’s what I’ll do”, says police officer Michael Hansen. Just thought I’d add this since not a lot of people outside of the nordic countries seem to have seen it. This is a danish police officer discussing a new danish law that says the police should seize the possesions and money of refugees to finance the integration.

*turns a perfect 180 degrees so that my cutting board-flat ass is facing you* *i walk away with feminine swagger but masculine contempt*

you see. a lot of people on this site have started to use “broke containment” when any post gets popular outside of their circle of friends, but its original use was when it was a vague fandom post (usually supernatural) gets reblogged by people outside the fandom

anway I got whiplash noticing op’s url and realizing this was about gabriel agreste from miraculous ladybug

I don’t want to find out about world events anymore

media depictions of hacking are so funny because it's all like dudes in hoodies with Anonymous masks in pitch darkness, and when you actually meet these ppl you realize 90% of hacking happens in one of these two rooms:

this is true

It's a reoccurring pattern with Steve, getting come out to and then instantly shitting on the person's taste in people.

Robin comes out to him and tells him she liked Tammy 'The Muppet' Thompson and Steve immediately jumps onto making fun of her because obviously, he will. She sounds like a goddamn muppet! Robin may deny it, but he knows she knows he's right. And he never lets her forget it.

After the Byers family moves back to Hawkins, Steve gets closer to the Byer-Hopper twins (Not blood related twins, but with how similar they are they might as well be). He takes note of the way Will carries himself, the way he stares at Micheal Asshole Wheeler of all people when he thinks no one is looking.

The kid doesn't come out that quickly, so with Robin's advice, Steve takes his time, making it known how okay he was with Will's sexuality, even if he did have standards low enough to beat Robin's terrible Tammy Thompson taste (He says this to her and she reacts as predictably as ever- by throwing something at him).

When Will does come out to him, Steve makes sure he only freezes for a literal second, not wanting the kid to panic like he'd seen Robin do back then. Of course, as soon as he's done comforting and reassuring the kid that he's completely fine with him being gay, he immediately jumps onto making fun of his terrible crush on Mike, finding great joy in the bright blush burning the teen's face.

The next time someone comes out to him, he's more caught off guard than he was with Robin.

Not because he was shocked that Eddie liked guys, no. He might be stereotyping a little, but no straight guy goes that close to another man and calls him Big Boy all low and seductively, a teasing grin curling his lips, a glint in his eyes-

You get the point.

The reason why he's shocked is because Eddie comes out to him, and when Steve asks about crushes, Eddie says,

"Oh, I had the worst crush on you in high school."

Steve sits there, his jaw practically on the ground. The way Eddie says it, all casual, not caring about the consequences or the effect it has on Steve.

"Wh- I- Me?" He stammered out, incredulous. "Dude, I was the biggest asshole back then!"

Eddie chuckles at that, a low sound that sends further heat into Steve's already flushed body. "The me back then did not give a shit, let me tell you that man." He turns to Steve then, giving him a slow look, a gaze more like, and smirks. "I certainly understood why the ladies were so desperate for you and your gorgeous locks."

His heart is pounding like crazy, an audible thump in his ears. Thoughts race in his head, one after the other, all jumbled up until what comes out of Steve's mouth next is,

"So what, you've got a thing for douchebags? Seriously?"

Eddie shoots him another look, more confused than ever. "What?"

"You heard me," Steve says, feeling the next words come out of his mouth like a waterfall. "I was a huge asshole in high school dude. How the hell did you have a crush on me back then? Did you seriously have no standards? You'd really stoop that low just because I had nice hair? I have good hair, and I'm nice now! What's stopping you from-"

Steve cuts himself off with an audible clack of his teeth, a sound that most often comes from Robin when she shuts herself up.

Goddamnit Robin.

Eddie is staring at him with wide eyes, the cigarette between his fingers burning away. Steve wants to watch the smoke curl away, but he's too transfixed on Eddie's doe-like gaze.

Then Eddie's features smooth over, a terrible, terrible grin curling its way onto his lips, deepening that dimple on his cheeks. He leans forward eyes lidded just slightly, and says,

"What's stopping me from what, sweetheart?"

Onion skin animation ^^

Ahahaha ONION SKIN

Looking at your own art for reference going “how the fuck did I do that”

So far one of the biggest differences between reddit and tumblr for me is that there's no pressure to create a "good" post. There's no button to reduce the number of notes a post has (unless you're the source of one of those notes, which I mean hey, you gave me these imaginary internet numbers in the first place, feel free to rescind them for any reason).

There's no bots that will automatically delete my post because I didn't have 10,000 tumbloints, users don't seem to come out of the woodwork to disparage your post if it doesn't meet some invisible standard of content (and if they do you can just block them)

I've had a reddit account for 14 years and I think you can already get a better picture of who I am as a person in my less then 12 hours of tumblr shitblogging.

Anyway, thanks tumblr friends for being so welcoming.

And thank you for referring to notes as “tumbloints”

IT'S FINALLY HERE! The true full size of my "do you love the colour of the sky HD remake director's cut" tumblr post

This ended up being 2 3/4 inches wide by 36 FEET LONG. 

The 2 3/4 inch width was chosen because that's the same width as a pretty average phone screen, and I wanted to know how physically far you have to scroll to get past this post.

also dont tell my boss that I got into the art gallery before we opened just to set up this rainbow CVS receipt looking motherfucker. in my defense i literally couldn't find any other location that was long enough to show this off

Please consider subscribing to my Patreon to gain access to my original content a week before its posted on tumblr!

reblogging this because the og post is suddenly getting a bunch of notes and i want everyone to see just how long this motherfucker is in real life

that is impressively long omg

also you all should be so grateful I never reblogged that post because WOW

you know what’s a trope that never gets tired is when theyre bouncing around in the plot and suddenly an important name crops up- it’s blorbo bleebus. and some dude is like who the hell is blorbo bleebus. and we immediately cut to our new friend blorbo bleebus pulling the most absolutely buckwild shit you’ve ever seen

enhanced edition of this trope is when they cut to blorbo bleebus doing something entirely contradictory to how they were just introduced, like “i know a professional, someone discreet who can handle things quietly” cut to blorbo bleebus in the wildest fucking bar brawl you’ve ever seen, screaming their own name and stopping to down shots while still holding some dude in a headlock

today I learned that if you want to slash someone’s tires, don’t slash all four; only slash three because if you slash all four their insurance will pay for it but if you only slash three they have to pay for it all out of pocket 

today on satan makes a blog post

Life tip: if someone slashes 3 of your tires, slash the 4th one yourself and blame it on the person who slashed the first 3. Now, your insurance will pay for it.

Life tip: If you slash 3 of their tires, hide out nearby until they discover their slashed tires. Take pictures of them slashing their fourth tire. Show police when they arrive on scene. Convicted of insurance fraud and still have to pay for tires.

i feel like i’m reading a Spy vs Spy comic in text format

you absolute dumb fucks. Slashing tires is really dangerous and many cars don’t even have tube tires anymore. Cum in the fuel tank

Idiot, that’s indecent exposure in a public location. This is a one way ticket to the sex offender registry.

What you wanna do is lay down some nails or other small sharp objects at the end of their driveway. somewhere they won’t see but will absolutely drive over. this will cause their tires to slowly deflate. They can’t claim insurance on their own negligence to check for sharp objects in their driveway. It is their driveway after all. They should know not to leave nails there.

you can bring cum in a bottle to the car. If you had more than one brain cell you would plan in advance

If you used the one that’s bouncing around in your skull like a windows Screensaver you’d know that the way you worded it implies that you are doing it on the spot rather than pouring it in. If you expect people to read it as you’ve now described you should’ve said “pour cum in their fuel tank”, which implies the cum was prepared ahead of time.

i want someone to cum in my fuel tank 🥴

I hate this website

i love the people i find on here, i need to put you in jars and examine you

All these people and not one landed on “key their car.”

Ok, pedantic insurance bullshit again (debate me later, I also have to live here and exist and pay for shit), but!

1. Whether your insurance covers your tires is really dependent on a lot of things, so there’s no way for me to say “yes this is true” or “no never” because the answer is “what state are you in and who is your carrier”.

2. If you put regular old sugar in someone’s gas tank you have just entirely fucked their car good and proper with no indecent exposure.

Love,

Insurance bro