The pieces of my cracked heart

Came together a little last night,

When I said I keep seeing you in my future,

And you said 'me too'.

I don't know how or when,

But I think some bonds are there for a reason.

Binding us to another as we travel through this world.

You know it when you first me them,

And it feels like you've known them your whole life.

When they break open the walls in your chest,

And pour light into the darkness.

And when you feel that maybe,

One day, you will be at home in their arms again.

I'm trying to learn that love is not a feeling exclusive to you.

That the way you reached into my ribs and held my heart gently can be done by another's hands.

I'm telling myself that maybe someone else's skin could softly melt into my own as we lie with our bodies woven together.

I need to believe that I will again feel the way someone's arms can be home.

There is so much love in this world.

More than that between you and I.

More than that between you and I.

More than that between you and I.

It should've been slow and sensual,

Passion dripping at our fingertips.

Unable to keep our hands off each other.

But I let you have me so easily

And now I'm afraid you'll treat me as

Something you can just have

Whenever you fancy it.

Someone to touch your soft skin

And kiss away your worries.

But I know we are so much more

Than sex in the early hours

That feels familiar and easy.

There is more there and it is built

On more than simply 'hanging out'

Like you said you wanted.

I deserve more and I know that.

So as much as I want to take you

In any form offered to me

I must teach you my worth in

What I will accept and

how I treat myself.

We can be so much but for that

We must go slowly and build our way

Back to closeness,

Back to each other,

Moment by moment.

You cracked us apart.

Suddenly a space between our hearts broke open.

Now I am trying to be okay with that emptiness.

To know that I don't need you to fill it.

I'm learning to sit in that hollowness and grow into the crevices created in my heart.

I'm realising i can be more than enough for the empty spaces.

Rather than reaching for you to fill the pockets of sadness I'm learning how to hold my own gentle heart.

To softly caress my aching chest with my own hands.

Thankyou for that gift.

Letting go.

Through my aching for you,

I will grow.

Through my fear of being alone,

I will grow.

Through my shaking hands and teary eyes,

I will grow

Through the piercing hollowness in my chest,

I will grow.

Through my loneliness,

I will grow.

I may be scared and unsure of what the future will bring,

But through the darkness I will become the light.

Just you watch me.

Just because there is pain does not mean it was meant to be.

It can hurt in a way that feels like it will break you and still,

It is not right for you.

We deserve to find someone that wants to hold our heart.

Only ourselves will be there through it all:

Growing, changing, strengthening.

Find your own roots that have always been buried deep beneath another.

Find the ways you wrapped yourself around him to hold yourself up and

Rather let your own arms wrap themselves tightly round your tired, hollow chest.

Hold your aching heart tenderly.

Allow it to seep out sadness for the loss you are feeling.

But know, rather than looking for your place on his soft chest,

You will always be your own home.

- 'This is what healing looks like'

And so in the early hours you ripped my heart from body. As I read messages to some unknown girl, I could feel a mixture of tears and pooling sadness gathering at my feet, drowning me.

We spoke of your unhappiness, my overflowing needs and finally the way you wanted to tear my heart from the safe home it'd found in yours. As breath escaped me I imagined a life without you. Darkness. Did that mean we needed to do it to learn how to bring our own colour? I suppose we'll find out.

'I wish i could tell you how to get there.

One answer for how to return to the warmth, the love, the light, to yourself.

I don't hold that card.

This is what i know.

Keep going when your feet feel like they are being crushed under the heaviness of the suffocating destruction.

Rest easy and often even if your mind rages against this softness.

The steps along this path will be the hardest to take

But along the way you will glimpse speckles of the glistening sunlight ahead.

Allow it to warm your tired aching skin.

It may be easier to go backwards down well trodden parts of the path but i can assuredly say these won't get you there.

What unknown, vulnerable, beauty lies ahead i cannot say with certainty either.

That is the risk.

But sooner or later it becomes worth taking.'

I will not apologise for my healing.

This is me taking the space my aching chest needs.

I do not know why my eyes feel teary again but my pain is not weakness.

It is simply the dark that comes with the light.

This life should not be sanitised and it comes with both hurt and joy.

I will not say sorry for trying to nurture the dialogue I have with myself.

The one that says

'Come as you are, always.

It is enough.

There will always be a home for you here.'

- 'Healing looks like being alone sometimes'

I don't know why you are not reaching for my skin.

This does not make me less worthy of your touch.

You see I have all the love already inside me that flows into my chest easily.

I just need to let it in.

If you do not seek this warmth at this time it is not a reflection of me.

I am worthy.

I am love.

My shaking hands can reach inside and find home whenever they need.

You may visit but my own hands will always hold my own heart safe. For too long I rejected this body.

This self.

Not anymore.

- 'Home'

A heavy chest.

Collapsing legs that won't support my weighted body to stand each morning.

Some mornings, an impossible task.

You can never guess which ones.

A chemical imbalance or a faulty brain?

Was I just not put together properly?

My bones can break apart without a reason and salty streams will just pour from my eyes.

Mourning.

Crying for the unknown of why must this pain return.

Crying for the strength to silence old thoughts telling me I must face this alone.

They speak of my unworthiness on this earth.

The old ache that comes with taking up space, being loved by others.

I know these are false whispers but still they call.

I am worthy.

Not because of any size I am or achievement I've made.

The home I have for myself within my chest will always be there even if some days it feels harder to find.

I've been here before, in this darkness.

I made it back into the light, the warmth.

I will again.

- 'Two Hands'

-'Nostalgia'

That's just not how it goes