Submitted by @harbinger5581

Stabby’s Latest Promotion

The Rear-Vice Admiral inspected the ship’s console intently.  He had no idea what was sneaking up on him.

Grazz'tk rustled politely in preparation for communication.

“Admirable One, we have not informed you of-

“Of how pleased we are to have you on our ship!” Human Crewmember Steve interrupted.

It was getting closer.

The Admiral stopped, looked at the human and then resumed his inspection.

Grazz-tk turned to Crewmember Steve.  

Steve lifted one appendage, placed it over their oral orifice and made a soft hissing noise.  It took Grazz-tk a whole zarne to recall that this was a sign for silence.

It rolled closer, as though with malice.  The physical damage would not significant.  But the repercussions would be terrible.

Crewmember Steve spoke in a quiet tone. “Wait for it, Grazz.”

Grazz-tk began to vibrate nervously. What was it Human-Steve said when the engines were malfunctioning?…

This was going to be bad.

An understatement that somehow completely surmised the danger.

It was almost there.

Human-Steve’s oral flaps were stretched in his odd look of pleasure.  But the 2 lines of fur above his visual receptors were pulled downward giving him a a sinister look.

Surely this could not be the same Human that had lovingly adopted a crythalesk.

“Wait for it,” he said again softly.

There was a only a quilv left… a slef… a msk…

The Admiral screamed in a combination of surprise, pain and anger as the knife pierced his lower pad.  He probably would have been fine if he had not tried to rip his pad away from Stabby.  The knife cut a long slice through the Admiral’s flesh. He fell to the floor clutching the wound and warbling his pain song.

Human Steve began making that noise.  A repeating reverberation that caused him to shake.  Moisture had collected at his visual receptors as the reverberation continued.

Grazz-tk rushed over to a panel and activated Medical Emergency mode.

Within 2 zarn the medical team arrived to find one human bent over and issuing repeated vibrations, the Rear-Vice Admiral wounded and shrieking obscenities at the human and Grazz-tk vibrating at almost terror levels.

The med techs ignored the human for the moment.  They collected the Admiral, gave him an immediate bandage and then hauled him off to sick bay.

Crewmemeber Steve eventually quieted down.

“Do you require medical assistance?” Grazz-tk inquired.

“No, Grazz,” Steve said.  “I’m fine.”  He wiped the moisture from his visual receptors and sat down at the console.  He pulled up the comm system and pushed for an ‘all page’

“Attention crew,” boomed through the entire ship.  “Attention all crew.  Stabby is now promoted to Rear-Vice Admiral.  Repeat: Stabby is now promoted to Rear-Vice Admiral.  Engineering out.”

Grazz-tk could have sworn he heard cheering from the lower levels.

Submitted by @ tlitookilakin

“Ah criminy, something’s up with the mainline electric transformer”

Althar looks at Steve curiously- “You can fix it, yes?”

Steve laughed, “Not until the mechanic fleet gets here.”

“Do you lack expertise?”

“What? No, but if I try to fix this thing without the right tools It’ll kill me and it will hurt the whole time I’m dying.”

Althar jerks away, “THIS CAN KILL YOU?”

“Relax, as long as you don’t touch it, you’ll be fine. Unless it starts arcing. If it starts arcing, run away and pray.”

Althar had already fled.

You know how humans feel when they are being stared at? What if extraterrestrials didn’t have gaze detection like we do?

I think that if it was true they would find it weird that we could “feel” eyes on us. That we know when something is watching us.

You know the "humans are space orks from a death world" thing? I thought of a possible addition.

What if one of the reasons we are so space orky is because while earth experiences the apocalypse every few million years, most alien's home worlds only have like MAYBE one or two in their biological history?

Like yeah there are plenty of aliens from death worlds but you remove them from their death world they are screwed because they only evolved for that narrow version of habitability. But human's evolutionary ancestors had to survive so many apocalypses that drop us off on some minor death world and we can adapt. Our ancestors survived a planet killing asteroid impact, not to mention an event so devastating that its official title is "the great dying", some boiling magma and acid rain is nothing

just had a humans are space orcs or humans are deathworlders or whatever idea hold on

So, you know how humans are persistence predators, right? We aren't the fastest, the stealthiest, or the strongest, but we have endurance that is not topped by anything. Imagine that but space warfare. Our ships aren't the fastest, we don't have the biggest guns or the best cloaking tech or the best shields. But our engines are the most efficient in the galaxy. And we hold a fucking grudge. So, imagine some aliens try to do a hit-and-run assault on our fleet. They get some of our ships, and then they speed off. While they're refueling their ships, they see us appear out of hyperspace, and so they have to leave with their ships only half full. We don't have to refuel. They try to refuel, they see us, they leave with ships quarter full. We don't have to refuel. They are scared, we're the new kids on the block, and we have an imperial fleet running with their tail between their legs. The whole time, we're making contact with the galactic community at large, establishing new colonies, discovering new technologies, new fuel sources, and making our ships more efficient. We name our first off-planet built ship the Tortoise, like tortoise and the hare. They may be faster, stronger, smarter, but we don't stop.

Do you think that, to aliens, we humans are like the supreme omnivores of the universe?

I mean, honestly, one of the greatest advantages we have as a species is our willingness to eat, or at least try to eat, just about anything.

Allergies, cultural differences, preferred diets, and intolerances, and general tastes for flavors aside, the average human is capable of finding a way to consume most anything we can get in our mouth.

Meat? Boom. Vegetables? Pretty good. Fruits? Love it. Bugs? Hey if we had to. Fish? Hell yeah. Eggs? Yeah man. Organs? Sure thing. Milk, honey, and food products made in other creatures? Classic.

Hell, if something isn’t immediately poisonous or just disgusting tasting, or even just flat undigestable, chances are a human can and will eat it.

Honestly, even if something is known to be poisonous (i.e. pufferfish), we’re not gonna rest until we find some part of it that’s not poisonous so we can eat that.

Some humans even will eat disgusting things, either to prove they can, or because they’ve found a way to make it palatable just so that they can actually eat it.

Especially consider that if other alien species we encounter are either flat herbivores or obligate carnivores. It might be to the concern of some newer crew members just how much the humans on board eat and what variety they will consume if given the chance; especially if they’re concerned about food rations being low. Or if they get to an unexplored world and the human is commenting about strange flora and fauna they find and comment how much it resembles foodstuffs on their home planet. Until they realize the humans are saying it about a LOT of the stuff on this unexplored world. To the point they’re worried that either the humans will eat something that would get them sick/poisoned, or they’ll end up just completely devouring anything and everything they see on the planet like a swarm of starved locusts.

humans are space goats

looking at this again, a lot of this is because we have the bizarre tendency to cook and process food. 

like, a whole lot of foods are normally toxic, but become edible because those toxins heat-degrade during cooking. bad flavors become palatable in processing, and good flavors get better (we put sugar salt and/or fat in everything). we cant digest something, or the native microbes would make us sick, cook it, and now we can eat it, digest it normally and not get sick, and thats pretty cool.

the biological reason for this is because our digestive systems are actually pretty weak, and we can’t really eat a lot of raw food, and its thought that this digestive weakness evolved alongside our cooking ability from pre-humans. on that note, we use relatively less energy to digest our food, so inputting more energy beforehand means better energy payoff later, and thats in addition to the pleasure response to flavor changes

so like think that theres something no one can eat, humans decide, that looks good, they cook it, and now everyone can eat it, and its delicious

In response to things like this, Cassava root, the base of tapioca, has chemicals that can and will convert into cyanide if not properly handled.  It is always funny to me cus, how did humans figure out that you could wash the stuff enough and it will become not deadly?  And how did they figure out how much you have to wash and process it?  Probably because they ate it, over and over again, until they stopped dying.

Humans…

And this, Children, is proof positive that Humans are Omnivores and NOT Obligate Herbivores or Carnivores. Because we can and *WILL* eat ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING we can get our grubby lil’ hands on! And if we can’t eat it outright, we’ll damn well keep trying different things until we CAN. 

Music is subject to taste

Imagine if you will that aliens have arrived and the negotiations and cultural surveys are being done. The Human representatives are making sure to show off all of the High Art and Classical Musics that we have created over the years, leading the committee from the stars to believe that we aren’t the war-mongering demons that our histories paint us to be and have actually progressed.

Then some Junior Assistant to the High Whatever exposes the delegation to something like Thrash Metal…

A Capella

I'm hoping the writing block I've been slogging through the past two months is lightening up and I'll get to some more of the prompts I've been sent!

*** *** *** *** ***

"We’re on a time crunch people! I need everyone to step it up if we’re going to get this all together in time for the ceremony!” Sevahn marched stiffly through the bustle of his crew as they rolled in large boxes of decorations and gear, strung garlands of flowers across the banquet hall, and laid wires, cords, and ropes for the laser light shows and entertainment equipment.

He eyed their efforts scrutinously and made sure everything lined up with the charts in his claws. This was easily the biggest client he’d ever been hired by, and he would be flarged if tonight wasn’t absolutely perfect for them!

“Bexts, those merkel blossoms are not the right color! They totally clash with the color pallet I sent you.”

The tall silver kloxan in question stopped arranging the bouquets and stared blankly at him.

“Do your optics need to be reset?” Sevahn marched up to the robotic figure and pulled out a pallet card. “Look, these are far too light. Some of them are nearly white! I specifically asked for rich purples and reds. Swap them out, inject them with dye, or paint them if you must, just get me the right colors within the next 15 mentiks!”

Without another word, Sevahn spun on his heels and was off to inspect the stage setup. Several crew members and techs were darting between various marks and consoles. By the looks of things, the hanging microphones and lights were just about ready. Techs were also laying wires for a couple microphones sitting on stands at the front of the stage. They were a bit obsolete (technology and usage-wise) what with the hanging mics, but some of tonight's featured vocal performers had specifically requested them.

Speaking of which…

“Has anyone heard anything from the humans?”

A booka tech by the name of Nuree perked her whiskers, “Oh yeah, I’ve heard them before! Last cycle I set up for one of their concerts on Vituka 4. They didn't use any instruments, but you wouldn’t know that if you were only listening! They were amazing!”

A few other on the crew chuckled a bit, and the Nuree’s fur flickered and reddened a bit as she realized everyone was listening.

“I meant, has anyone heard from the humans’ whereabouts? They were supposed to be here already for rehearsals.”

Humans love shiny things.

No, seriously, look around you next time you’re in a building and count the number of things that are shiny even thiugh they do not need to be shiny.

Humans are naturally attracted to any thing that shines, shimmers or glitters— I mean for fucks sake, we invented glitter. There are people right now who work in glitter factories and so whose sole job is to make shiny things for people to put nonshiny things so as to make them shiny.

We paint our nails and faces with glittery varnishes and shimmery powders. We use gloss on our lips to make them shinier. We shine our shoes to make ourselves look smart. We have been known to start fucking wars over who owns the bits of land with the shiny rocks in. Genocides have been commited and kingdoms toppled because one group had a lot of shiny metals and the other group wanted those shiny metals.

Why, then, do we all like shiny things so much?

Well, scientists now think that it’s probably because we evolved in a desert. If you’re living in a desert, then you’re going to need to be constantly be on the lookout for water, and water shines in the sun. So the best way to survive in a desert environment is to just chase after everything that shines because it might be water.

So now imagine how weird this would all be to a species who didn’t evolve in a desert.

Imagine aliens just being baffled by the human habit of wearing certain rocks— or even just pieces of glass or plastic cut to look like those rocks— just because we like the way they catch the light. Imagine aliens who come from worlds where there are a lot of shiny rocks bringing them back for their human friends to see and watching, puzzled, as said human friends start wearing the rocks around their necks, wrists, fingers or even (weirdly) stuck through special holes they make in their ears.

“Thank you so much! These are beautiful!”

“I literally just scooped up some of the gravel from the spaceport— how are you so amazed?”

Imagine caves on alien planets full of crystals and gems becoming huge tourist attractions for humans, and the aliens not understanding why because, on their planet, pretty much the only people who go to the caves are school groups and geologists. The caves are boring— why do the humans keep taking photos of a load of old rocks?

We complain that Magpies are obsessed with shiny things and keep stealing our shiny things but that just shows how crazy we are about protecting our shiny things

Imagine if the first alien species we meet is just as excited to find out they're not alone in the universe as we would be

That would be cute, I think

Alright, I completely forgot to do this last week, but here’s the current list of Space Australia blogs! Properly formatted list is under the cut, but here’s just a list of all the blogs on the list in one paragraph :

@operation-earthanoids, @space-australians, @human-aliens-collection, @humans-are-seriously-weird, @what-are-even-humans, @stabbyroomba, @sewickedthread (Your Callmebettyjo Tag), @confusedaliens, @scifihumanheadcanons, @space-stuff-for-space-people, @humans-are-space-orcs, @justimaginethisweirdstuff, @pokemon-n-aliens, @odd-as-we-are, @stabby-the-roomba, @humansarespaceorcs, @humansareweirdrebloged, @iwriteonthisblog (Your Humans Are Weird Tag), @spaceorc9, @space-australia-stories, @iron-sulfur-world, @onwardsuntiltheend, @spacefaringviking, @spaceterrors, @space-orc-oddities, @space-is-a-disease, and @theterrorsofspacehumans

Lees verder

every person can feel freddie’s presence in their souls when they sing MAMAAAAAA UUHHHH, I DONT WANNA DIE, I SOMETIMES I WISH I’VE NEVER BEEN BORN AT ALL with all the air in their lungs i’m not joking

it’s fucking crazy to think about the amount of people who have sung bohemian rhapsody? like it’s such a unifying song, by nature of the fact that so many people know it. it holds so many good memories for me and other people. it’s a song you scream in the car with your friends while you drive around your boring hometown, it’s a song you drunkenly sing with your arm around your best friend, or a song you sing along to with strangers when it’s on in public. it’s bittersweet to think about freddie’s legacy carrying on like that through his masterpiece. freddie carries on because he’s a part of so many people’s good memories and bohemian rhapsody is a huge part of that.

Reblog if you have sung bohemian rhapsody with your friends

every time i see this post i’m reminded of the video of 65,000 people singing bohemian rhapsody in near-perfect harmony

like, what other song can make that claim?

Some of the highlights of that video include:

Only days before my state went into lockdown, “Bohemian Rhapsody” came on in the restaurant kitchen I’d just been hired at and, no shit, every single worker in that little diner started singing along. Me (the only queer afaik), the manager, all the other kitchen workers, the dishwasher up front, the two people on the counter, all but two of the men over 30. Just belting out Freddie Mercury at the top of their lungs. And you can bet when “sometimes I wish I’d never been born at all” came around, we every single one of us ramped up the intensity and basically made sure Freddie could hear us in the afterlife.

Another thing about the importance of parasites and other “pesky” organisms is that they are a non-stop irritation to almost all other animals on the planet…..and the impact of that cannot possibly be overstated. It affects EVERYTHING those animals do. It even affects what they look like and how they’re shaped. The clouds of biting midges breeding in a marsh are going to affect how long an animal stops to graze on wetland greenery and how much of that greenery it takes. Explosions of mosquitoes that follow a wet season are what drive larger herd animals to seek drier prairies and meadows, allowing a completely different set of animals and plants to surge. Population booms of ticks and lice drive animals to practice mud-wallowing, social grooming, population splits and even mass migrations. Flies are the entire reason zebras have stripes. These are just a couple of examples, but basically the whole face of our planet looks the way it does because some of the tiniest animals are constantly pissing off the largest.

A coyote tried to bite me in the middle of the night in the desert, but instead of being scared, I was so personally offended that this coyote dared attack me that I kicked it and woke up kicking my wall.

POV: You are the Roadrunner

CH

This is how Superheroes move around the city, and you CANNOT convince me otherwise.

Holy SHIT

JFC this guy’s core has to be 110% muscle.

O.O

…the new Assassin’s Creed looks great

I actually use videos like this for inspiration a lot. These are the perfect thing for getting a real, honest idea of what a human is capable of without (I assume) magic, super powers, or other reality altering abilities to make it easier.

Personally, that makes it so cool to me. this is Human. This is why Humans are Weird is such a real thing. That makes me really happy.

I know the whole "humans are weird and scary" thing as a sci fi concept has been rendered kind of cutesy and outre recently but like humans are absolutely the creepiest fuckers on this planet and I WILL die on this hill, doubtless pursued tirelessly by dozens of freakishly vertical ape creatures with unprecedented levels of thermoregulation, possibly accompanied by other animals that they have somehow formed bizarre social bonds with. Oh my god humans are the worst

Other Terrible things about humans!

"A whole extra person on a transport through space, where every atom of breathable gas is accounted for, where every gram of food for six species is planned for, where even the mass of an extra hair uncounted can throw off fuel calculations over FTL distances? And there's a whole extra one? A human?"

"Yes captain."

"A genuine in the flesh, from the death planet Earth, human?"

"Born and raised, captain."

"Why?"

"Engineer Jones says, and I quote, 'He's my disability aid, my guy.'"

The captain's skin wrinkled in irritation, "I don't understand."

"A human infliction called anxiety. A human's sympathetic nervous system sometimes malfunctions and floods their body with norepinephrine."

"I understand. I would hate to have our human drop dead of some rare affliction and not have a suitable replacement. It is good that humans have decided to adopt redundant staffing. Finally. Though I admit the thought of a human dropping dead is... Unsettling."

"Ah, I have researched the affliction by connecting to the central Earth database. The human is not at risk of dying. They have these sympathetic nervous system attacks several times in a standard day. The second human is there to assist the engineer by minimizing the severity of the attacks in an emergency."

"Several times a day."

"Yes captain."

"Engineer Jones experiences deadly attacks by their nervous system several times a day."

"Deadly to you or me, yes captain."

"Humans." The Captain's fronds flushed irritation, resentment, and fondness. "Humans are so weird. Make sure we bring enough breathable gas, human food, and water mass to account for the extra human. Issue orders to all departments to recalculate mass, FTL trajectory, and the like. Contact our first destination and make sure they know we will be two days late due to the recalculation and then set to redistributing hull mass as necessary for the deceleration burn. Let the crew know that rush bonuses apply. I am going to contact the cultural department and inform this of this development. Again."