Forgiveness does not always look like “everything goes back to the way we were”.

Forgiveness does not look like “don’t talk about what happened because it makes other people feel weird”

Forgiveness does not look like “being nice”

I’m not sure why my relationships or lack thereof concern so many uninvolved people telling me how I should feel or behave towards others. Because if I don’t do this or that “I haven’t really forgiven them.”

Where were all the opinions when I was looking for an apology? When the bullshit was taking place? Why are we not so passionate about making sure people don’t do fucked up shit to other people in the first place? Why is it about me and what I should do?

My forgiveness is not suppose to appease anybody but me. It doesn’t have to look like hugs and skips off into the sunset. My forgiveness is mine and takes shape in the way that works for me. It means I no longer feel any negativity towards a person or situation. That I no longer dwell on it. That I’m not carrying it around anymore. That’s it.

My job is to keep me happy. Above all else. That is my only goal.

A person can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves. Hmm. This tells me that I expect too much.

I do not want to die. But I am tired of existing. Tired of trying. Tired of being misunderstood. Tired of feeling alone. Tired of doing and going and being and still struggling. Tired of being vigilant, being afraid. I don't want to be tired anymore.

So tired of struggling. So, so tired.