Scary Signs 4

your heart is a muscle the size of a rat

SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS

Your brain’s about four times the size of a cat’s

SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS

Your lungs can hold 5.5 liters of air

The soles of your feet can never grow hair

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS

SPONGEBOB…

SQUAREPAAAAAAAANTS

*~deedlee-doot-dee-doot doo-oot~*

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again but it is absolutely an example of civilizational inadequacy that only deaf people know ASL

“oh we shouldn’t teach children this language, it will only come in handy if they [checks notes] ever have to talk in a situation where it’s noisy or they need to be quiet”

My mom learned it because she figured she’ll go deaf when she gets old

My family went holiday SCUBA diving once, and a couple of Deaf guys were in the group. I was really little and I spent most of the briefing overcome with the realization that while the rest of us were going to have regulators in our mouths and be underwater fairly soon, they were going to be able to do all the same stuff and keep talking.

The only reason some form of sign language is not a standard skill is ableism, as far as I can tell.

For anyone interested in learning, Bill Vicars has full lessons of ASL on youtube that were used in my college level classes. 

https://www.youtube.com/user/billvicars

and here’s the link to the website he puts in his videos:

https://www.lifeprint.com/

im taking a break from studying spanish to fucking tell you guys that i just got whiplash from this fucking

ok fuck the pope n all that obviously but this is literally SO fucking funny in so so many ways

Choose your fighter

so you know the rule in fairylands where you cant eat or drink anything or you’ll have to stay there forever? does like.. .eating out/sucking dick count

holy f uck jane

its a serious question

well like, the whole thing is that you cannot have consumed anything belonging to the fey realm. so, yes, probably, you would be stuck there. the same would apply if you just straight up ate a fairy.

new question: would deepthroating count in this case even w/o swallowing

no. temporary doesn’t count, otherwise fairies would all be running about sticking their hands in your mouth to get human servants.

you gotta digest it.

so like??? if you puke afterwards?? maybe it doesn’t count?

huh! i wonder how long is enough time for it to be legit. like whatever goes through your stomach immediately condemns you no matter if you throw it up later?

Well Persephone only ate 6 seeds so she only stayed 6 months, so maybe if you spat out most of it you’d just be condemned to the occasional day “BRB got go pay the two day toll for fellating a fairy.”

“you wanna come over for the weekend?”

“oh man im so sorry i sucked some fairy dick once and now i have to keep coming back to do it again– its a long story”

“you what now”

i can hardly believe this isn’t already the plot of an Oglaf comic

now that u said it im really surprised as well

what the fuck did i just read

Why ISN’T this an Oglaf comic yet?

I’m so happy that i’m not the only person who thinks of questions like these. I love you all so much.

I’m not convinced by this, actually!

Like, this analysis treats it as a substance problem, i.e. “edible matter from fairyland has properties that, if ingested, physically prevent you from being able to return to the real world.”

But OTOH, a recurring theme throughout fairy stories is that they’re all about…rules and exchanges and agreements with really steep interest rates:

Not to mention that in Childe Rowland, one of the central “if you eat food from fairyland you’re stuck there” stories, Rowland manages to retrieve his siblings despite them all presumably having chowed down on fairy food – all it took was beating the Fairy King in a swordfight and threatening to chop his head off.

The takeaway, I think, is that the food thing a matter of implicit exchange: if you get your grub on in fairyland, you’re accepting their hospitality and eating food that they own. This means you owe them, which the fairies can magically leverage to prevent you from leaving.

(You can probably get around this by explicitly agreeing to pay for your meal before you sit down to eat. From what I remember, fairies don’t seem capable of pulling a “Haha, we had an agreement but you’re fucked anyways!” maneuver, so if they agree to let you leave they might even be forced to help you leave.)

Which brings us to the matter at hand: if you blow a fairy you’re doing them a favor! They owe you.

And…they’re a fairy, so if you didn’t agree to terms beforehand they might not repay you in a way that’s ultimately helpful or safe, but it certainly doesn’t seem like they’d be able to, like, pat you on the head and be like “Thanks, you’re really good at this buuuuuuut also you’re stuck here forever now.”

Instead, what seems more likely is…I dunno, showing up to your wedding years later and giving you a beautiful white horse that always comes when called, while loudly praising you as truly deserving it for giving them them simply the best oral they’ve had in years. 

Or they feel obligated to show up at your house a couple days a year. So, like

“you wanna come over for the weekend?”

“oh man I’m so sorry i sucked some fairy dick once and now he always comes by over memorial day weekend and helps me out with minor home repairs.”

“you what now”

This is my favorite act of intellectual bugfuckery on this entire website, when I die I want someone to print this out and place it in my grave with me so I can cherish it forever.

to add to this “humans are weird” thing did you know that humans are the only species on earth with the ability to throw things with any significant degree of accuracy and force (apes can throw with about the force of a human ten year old, but cant lock their wrists well enough for accuracy)

and we just never really think about it bc its so easy and simple to us that pretty much all of our sports are based around the concept of throwing things accurately

so what if the concept of projectile weapons takes most species FOREVER to get the hang of, or even come up with in the first place. a human goes onto a ship and throws some trash into the nearest reclaimer, shouts “kobe!” and all the other aliens on board absolutely LOSE THEIR MINDS

I definitely didn’t know this about humans but it’s actually really neat

‘This place needs a dartboard.’ *darts is explained* ‘You… throw sharp objects at a tiny point on a circle with the expectation of hitting it and mock those who do not achieve this amazing feat.’ ‘It’s better if you’ve had a couple of beers.’ ‘You insist that you’re more accurate when partially intoxicated. I have seen you intoxicated. Fine motor control is not something I associate with intoxication.’ ‘The one sport where doping is actually encouraged.’ ‘Humans. How. Just how. ’ ‘You think this is hard, try throwing cards.’

I’m now super enchanted with the idea that there are all these alien racs out there that basically didn’t do projectiles until at least they had geometry and aerodynamics worked out– no throwing stones or slings and arrows, nothing range until catapults with some heavy maths calculations behind them because they couldn’t eyeball it. And some of them not even having that– going from hand-to-hand to computer-targetted bombs, pretty much. And then coming to earth and finding out about spears and bows and arrows and slings and skipping stones– and suddenly there’s a rush on their homeworlds of all these really bad pop-xenopyschoanthropology books about the effect of being able to kill at a distance on our pyschocultural development, how it effects our perception of ourselves and the universe - all these bad science, lurid explanations about how this has effected our strange alien minds to give us warped senses of territoriality or death or social-unit-bonding.

@space-australians

Of all the humans are weird I like this one the most. Feels mundane enough yet just weird enough without making us out to be supersoldiers because I dunno I guess aliens have weak constitutions now or something..

Most ‘humans are weird’ things try to focus on the things humans can do that most animals can’t, but like, they kinda blow it out of proportion. Like sure humans are sturdier than most animals but not by THAT much.

Personally, I’ve always like the combination of facts that A) We’re obscenely flexible compared to anything with else with bones B) We have crazy endurance and C) We’re DTF pretty much whenever. And whatever, for that matter.

Super soldiers nothing, I’m pretty sure Humans would be the Weird Sex Alien.

Those ones are also decent and reasonable “humans can be cool space alien planet of hat biological archetypes too!”

humans:

Accurate.

Oh, hey, forgot about this one.

(Edit: just posted my full tag rant as a comment since it got cut off)

my problem with a lot of the ‘humans are space orcs’ posts, is that a lot of the things that come up make biological sense, when you consider our rough body shape (i.e. bipedal and high intelligence)

we’re more energy efficient and good at being pursuit predators BECAUSE WE ONLY NEED TWO LEGS, that’s HALF AS MANY LEGS, so we use less energy to move, and in order to do this (and many other things) we need larger brains, that can handle things like balance easily, and because we have two limbs that aren’t used for walking, they can be specialized for object manipulation which easily leads to dexterity and accuracy, and an advanced collarbone and shoulder joint and muscle control that leads to throwing things

a LOT of humans are space orcs posts are just, imagine this species that should have evolved all the same things as us, but is absolutely SHOCKED by it because for some biologically unlikely reason they aren’t basically the same thing, a lot of criticism of scifi ends up being ‘the aliens look too much like humans’, but you know what, a highly intelligent apex species with advanced communication WOULD LOOK A LOT LIKE US, as an apex species they’d most likely have evolved as predators, and therefore needed binocular vision (at least), plus BIOLOGY REALLY LIKES SYMMETRY so two eyes two ears two nostrils bipedal high intelligence advanced vocal communication etc, …are pretty much all BASIC REQUIREMENTS of any species that would develop enough for space travel

if anything should freak out other species about us it’s probably our psychology not our biology, we have an ABSURD range of sociological behavior and emotional triggers, we can be compassionate easily to the point of sacrificing our lives to an altruistic cause (we do this regularly!), but also like … sometimes we murder each other because of parking spots

our social psychology is NOT conducive to developing space travel, we’re so VOLATILE and we form cliques that hate each other, WE’RE NOT SUITED TO BEING IN FRAGILE CONFINEMENT PROTECTING US FROM THE VACUUM OF SPACE, OH AND OUR PROPULSION SYSTEMS ARE BASICALLY SLOW BOMBS, WE’RE FUCKING IDIOTS WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE SURVIVED LONG ENOUGH FOR SPACE TRAVEL

we’d kill each other in one heartbeat and die for each other in the next, we’re FUCKED UP psychologically as a species and THAT’s probably the weirdest thing about us, most space orc posts are just … how the biology of a species that got to our point SHOULD work

honestly when aliens arrive we should start having sex with them as soon as possible. so when they decide to take over a lot of them already have emotional connections/physical offspring and will form a sizeable resistance. not me, i don’t want to, but i know a lot of you would be into that, and i’m telling you it’s okay, you’re actually the last hope for our species.

so you know how people have a concept of “psychic vampire” and it’s basically just “person who’s exhausting or unpleasant to be around” but with, like, a psychic gloss

someone should come up with a paranormal theory of money vampires who cause people around them to spend money on them through, like, a magic aura

That’s just fairies who are into findom

Everyone agrees! Your intestines squirming around like eels in your belly is horrifying!

IM SORRY THEY FUCKING WHAT NOW?

The racks even have hooks to keep them from squirming right off and onto the floor apparently. They desperately want to escape our bodies

Intestines are muscles, and function involuntarily. If your muscles did not squirm around, then they wouldn’t be able to move food through them, thus you wouldn’t gain any nutrients from anything you eat, and the food would spoil and make you sick. I agree the squirmy wormies are a bit unsettling, but hey it’s actually really good for you! Your intestines work so hard for it! Please give them a little love.

I don’t like that get them out

Okay…this is unsettling.

This post is actually my nightmare

Breaking News! You are full of eels!

#wait til you hear about how they put them back#they just stuff them back in and the mesenteric lining slowly pulls them back into place#no helping required#so it 100% looks like a bunch of squiggly eels getting comfortable in their space again (via lampfaced)

we all make jokes about humans being weird, and aliens finding them strange as hell but honestly we’re very creepy and strange creatures

Develop a roomba that reacts to being petted and you’re going to make bank with millennials

Don’t forget to give it a little screen so it can flash up emoticon faces.

*bump into wall* >_<

*gets pet* :3

*low battery* ;_;

*stick on a ledge* D:

*sucks up something it’s not supposed to* >:3c

I loathe how badly I want this.

And it has a little holder thing on top that they don’t officially recommend putting a knife in, but we know they know we know that’s what they intended it for.

The instructions (were you to read them) tell you very clearly that you are not to put a knife into that slot, and that doing so could result in injury, so seriously, no knives in the slot on top of the roomba!

Nowhere in the instructional booklet does it tell you what the slot is for. The diagram at the front of the booklet just refers to it as the Definitely Not A Knife-Slot.

more "aliens being surprised by humans" stuff

our ability to belt out one entire three to five minute long song if we’re familiar with it like. suvi starts singing “hallelujah” to fill the quiet and is answered by liam all across the room in a p decent harmony. cora walks past and starts humming it enthusiastically even tho she can’t stay very long. gil joins in for the third refrain. ryder finishes it off with a passionate solo.

when they look around every alien is staring at them. vetra blinks and knocks her hands together. “that’s what you’re supposed to do when humans make those sounds right?” she asks kallo beside her, who mirrors her. everyone is a little stunned at the coordination and emotion in the performance and they all look equally moved. jaal might be crying. none of them know what a ‘hallelujah’ is, but they feel like they’ve come to understand it through this melody

they’re all extremely confused when all of the humans still continue on on their tasks without pause

edit; other songs include but are not limited to: bohemian rhapsody, mr. brightside, single ladies, no scrubs, and i will always love you

a good predictor of whether a species will end up being compatible with humans on long journeys is whether they are capable of understanding that ‘singing along’ is optional and humans do it because it’s fun. species that insist on assigning some biological or ceremonial importance to it will inevitably clash with their human crews sooner or later.

whereas species like the mertrans, who have their own infectious expressive behaviors, can integrate with humans indefinitely. on long-haul ships, a sort of hybrid culture evolves, where mertrans will thrum their throat sacs to provide percussion for human singalongs, and humans develop dance steps for mertran scratch/thumping episodes.

smart pirates avoid attacking ships where this has happened. despite being clownish, these species are also some of the most warlike, and offering violence to a closeknit mertran/human group provokes a reaction that is not only well-coordinated and heroic but prone to very bloody pranks.

there still are parts of the outer reaches where a mertran hand-signing “yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker” can clear a bar in seconds.

A Star Trek idea: A comedy sitcom where instead of a Vulcan on a mostly human ship it is a human on a mostly Vulcan ship

All the Vulcans are fiercely protective of the ‘fragile, illogical, prone-to-danger, smart, reckless little human’.

To make the human feel more accepted (as it is only logical) the Vulcans try to include aspects of terran culture in the ship’s day-to-day life, failing spectacularly at it.

The human loves them even more for it.

They’ll get better at celebrating the human’s birthday next year. It’s the thought that counts.

@jvlianbashir​ THAT’S A GOOD END TO THAT EPISODE THOUGH… the vulcans put together awful, bland decorations. they make a cake because it’s of “significant importance”. they go through the process of putting together this party and Studying this Human Ritual and the entire episode is setting up to what you KNOW will be a horrible result. they do a bad job!! then when the human’s birthday comes, and they reveal the off-the-mark, underwhelming looking birthday bash, the human just. starts crying. because they had no idea their crew would go through all this trouble to celebrate their birthday, and even put up DECORATIONS, or make a CAKE, and there’s a birthday card with extremely polite impersonal messages written and a hundred perfectly tidy signatures. and the vulcans are just standing around like “you appear upset. the Birthday Party was unsatisfactory”.

older lotr illustrations sometimes depict éowyn wearing ridiculously small armour. apart from the problem general sexualisation of the only female character (who really does anything), there’s another hilarious thought:

éowyn pretended to be dernhelm, a man. to fit in, she must have worn men’s armor. so the armor in the illustrations is normal for rohirrim.

therefore, all the rohirrim rode to war just like that:

there’s a thundering sound in the distance as the rohirrim ride into war but rather than hoofbeats it’s the collective sound of all their cheeks clapping

the artist for this particular piece is Frank Frazetta and to be fair to him this is how he drew the orcs armor 

so the rohirrim comment is probably not that far off

That’s a man who just straight up had a problem with the concept of wearing pants into battle, and I respect that

@staff u pack of bastards

bread is illegal now