literally nothing is funnier than just living your life with a cat in a sweater vest. constantly feels like he’s about to offer to do my taxes

i was trying to finish this post while he sat on the bar stool next to mine beeping at me for attention, and when the attention didn’t come quickly enough he put his paws on my shoulder and slapped me in the face

which is, again, infinitely funnier when your cat is wearing a sweatervest

im being bullied by the world’s smallest accountant

can you OD on vitamin D

that’s how icarus died

Why on earth hasn’t anyone invented a less terrifying way to open biscuits and cinnamon rolls???? 😩

because squishing that much biscuit into that little space teeters on the edge of hubris. the pop is to keep us humble. to remind us that death comes for all

the fact that i am constantly saying strange and unpleasant things is just part of my charm

damn son why are all the funniest and best posts on here always made by deactivated people? who killed them and wh

my boss: *giving me critical instructions* you got that? me: ya me (in my mind): you make a loop de loop and pull, and your shoes are looking cool :) you go over and back, left to righ

“I’m not really mentally ill, I’m just faking this.” - A mentally ill proverb

i said this to my therapist and she just looked at me and said “so do you think i went to clown school”

*Sitting in front of my computer like a Jarl from Skyrim*

never understood people who let candy melt in their mouth. ill bite down on a damn jolly rancher because i lack the patience 

It’s like a dishwasher

i dont understand even a little bit thank you

coke of cola is a health potion. pepsi is a mana potion

what’s graped soda

it’s fucking purple baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ig: claricetheillustrator

you think being gay is hard??? try telling people youre only attracted to clowns

theres literally no possible response i can make to this where i come out a winner. ive actually never been owned this hard before. i think i legally owe you money now.

good evening everyone lets get this bread

I had a dream that Pokemon’s gen 8 starters were randomly revealed and the water starter was extremely popular. It was literally a dog whose entire concept was bubbles and it looked like this

He’s been called Pubble

Why do Spotify friends exist? So they can see my ABHORRENT taste in music at 2am on a Tuesday? So they know I have played Party In The USA on a loop for three weeks? So they know all my faults and weaknesses? Why is this a feature.

Can I be honest, I originally made this post because someone asked me “if I was okay” after listening to the Skyrim soundtrack for around 80 hours. Mind your own business

bug type eeveelution is called beevee and its just an eevee who ate a bee & looks like this now

being in stores that look like this and play this kind of music always makes me hyper-aware of aging and the inevitability of death

ice cream trucks will be exactly the same post revolution theyll just be free

i forgot the monetary meaning of the word free and i thought this meant they would be liberated

me looking at the board in class, not taking anything in