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I don’t want to exist in this moment
I feel so painfully alone, though I am acutely aware that I am *never* alone. Sometimes I want to make the phone call and have them take me away. I don’t honestly know if I really want to die. I just wish I could fade out. If I did get to pick how I killed myself though, it would be entirely alone. I’d run away without telling anyone. Go entirely radio silent and leave. Pills seem... safe I guess. I’d want to die in a big city in a lavish hotel room. A not-so-mysterious girl found dead in a hotel room.
Does this count as having a plan?
Am I cleaning so intently so I feel safe leaving these two alone? I’m honestly so scared and I don’t know if I want to talk about it ... Or if I even should be...
Sometimes I wonder why I cling onto my pain so fucking hard. Why I resort to that and self destruct when things get too good. I wonder why I’m always suicidal, even when it isn’t in the forefront. It’s always in the background. I stare at the two bottles full of sleeping pills and think, “it’s so easy.” That’s the funny thing about being suicidal literally your entire life. I never thought I’d live this long so… I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to be doing. I’m fact, that’s half the reason I AM still suicidal. I wonder why I cling onto my pain so tightly, and I realize…
It’s because it’s the only thing I save for myself.
I give everything I can to make everyone happy because I’m a good person and that’s what “good people” do and I don’t want to stop, but never in a million years would I want someone else to bear the weight of my pain.
And that’s why I grasp it tight.
It’s the only thing I can ever manage to call my own.
WHEN YOU RUN INTO YOUR RAPIST AT THE GAS STATION AND TAKE COVER IN YOUR CAR AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND DO 90 THE WHOLE WAY HOME BECAUSE YOU’RE TERRIFIED HE’LL FOLLOW YOU HAHA
So I got put on hold today when I called the suicide hotline. It wasn’t long or anything, just….
Humbling, in a sense.