Beyoncé: Lemonade, Anger (via abiotic)
Beyoncé is trying to tell you to stop making a man the center of your whole world
hey! it’s okay. you’re okay, you have enough time, and you’re doing better than you think you are. you’re okay
me, with tears in my eyes: time to make a joke
But one of my hardest lessons is learning to not buy love. To not over love and do way too much and then expect the same level of output and always always feel some degree of used or cheated out of what I feel I deserve. I rarely ever love unconditionally or without expectations attached. I always love too much because it comes from a place of feeling unlovable myself so I have to overcompensate for the fact that someone has even found me attractive let alone loveable. There’s been a lot of painful lessons revolving around supplementing my lack of self love by expecting love from lovers and family members and wanting desperately to feel like I’m appreciated and like I belong. I never realized how hard it was for me to be alone, especially since aloneness for me has been attached to painful things like depression and shame and crippling self destructive habits. So I’m learning aloneness to be a positive and necessary and recuperative experience. I’m trying to take these in stride and not feel discouraged by these lessons but it’s hard. I often dream of just having outlets for my love that are reciprocated and appreciated deeply. I long to love without bartering said love as a way for someone to tolerate my existence and then feeling so angry and resentful when that sentiment is returned and I find myself being taken for granted. I have ownership in that because you truly do enter both verbal and non verbal agreements with lovers. You spell out the terms and conditions of your loving without realizing it. You set up a contract of loving and there might be shit in the fine print that you’re not seeing. It’s hard for me to take responsibility for that. Knowing that I loved men beyond what they deserved or even expected because I hoped it would make me worthy, make me seen, and not because I truly cared about them unconditionally and then being surprised when I was still not worthy and still not seen is partially my responsibility in some ways. Because it has more to do with me than it even does him. I have to ask myself some tough questions that have some very painful and revealing answers when it comes to why I always love others more than I love myself. Why I always do more for others than I do for myself. And I hide behind the “I’m just a nice loving person” thing but beneath that is the dark secret that I find others more important and deserving of that love than myself and the validation of my relationships both romantic and otherwise supersedes my own self validation. That hurts.
