i love this illustration i'm losing my mind
look at her. go crazy aaaaaa go stupid aaaaaa
Your friend always said “I’ll rest when I’m dead,” so much that it became his catchphrase. He says it again today when he came into work, going about his daily routine. This normally wouldn’t be concerning, if not for the fact that you attended his funeral two weeks ago.
Bro I need this story
i just realized that,,,, pressing and holding the like button creates a shower of hearts??????! not just one????!! im creating an ocean of love for you <3 <3 <3
Ellie wtf it doesn't work for me is this just a ploy to get people to like ur post
im serious it makes a bunch of hearts everywhere
FUCK OFF IT DOESN'T YOU LIE YOU LIE I'M NOT BRINGING MY FRESH BAKED PORTUGUESE ROLLS TO THE PICNIC ANYMORE
i saw some thread on xitter with some dude asking why drag queens "want to be around children so much" re: story hours and all the replies were either predictably disgusting or very defensive but not a single goddamn one of them answered the question so i will help in case anyone ever asks you this incredibly stupid question: they are clowns!! drag queens are just clowns!! they put on extremely silly makeup and huge wigs and bright clothes and do over-the-top performances that make people laugh and smile and sometimes cry. that is the definition of a clown. they like to perform for children because they are a type of clown and children are great audiences and it is not any deeper than that. god damn.
If Taylor Swift used her power for good she would be such a great stochastic terrorist. She would post on Instagram "Hey guys, Tay here. Just wanted to say that whoever delivers me the head of Ron DeSantis on a platter will get free Eras Tour tickets. #ShadeNeverMadeAnybodyLessGay." It would be at her doorstep in two hours.
what did you DO to me (•:|—
(•:|——————————————————————
man left without meaningful tasks for a week seen walking around with a notepad to critically assess all the wall-ceiling angles in his home with genuine contempt
absolutely fucked
you're just dropping abstract art into my hands like it's nothing. i could sell this to the museum of modern art. or the cleveland museum of art
do NOT sell my kitchen to the CMA i can't make the commute. MoMA is fine though i can go there with my mind
looked like the old meme backgrounds
When I'm in charge of the planet, it will be illegal to make a job posting unless you are actively searching for a candidate.
Lean staffing will also be illegal. If you need three people to do a job, you're hiring four.
You are also either earning an amount or you are not earning that amount. 'Earn up to 21.50/hr' no. Either you're paying 21.50 or you are not paying 21.50. Tell the truth or jail for employer for 1000 years.
If someone asks for 2 years experience for an entry level job paying just above minimum wage, you should be legally permitted to launch them into the fucking sun.
Not people saying “Fandom has always been like this” in that vent post I made. No. It hasn’t always been like this. Fandom has NEVER been like this until recently and if you were in fandom pre-tumblr purge, pre-twitter, pre-netflix boom, pre-tiktok….then you would fucking know it was nothing like this.
We still had the drive to create. We still sold prints and charms and made zines…but it was never like this.
The introduction of streaming, binge shows that drop all at once, tiktok and vine RIP i still love u vine but you were the beginning of a particularly ugly era) creating this bite sized, quick paced ‘content’ era of creation and it bled out into fucking everything else.
Fandoms didn’t die down when the show ended or the season was over. You didn’t mass unfollow artist, writers or moots just because they changed fandoms. There wasn’t this need to please the algorithm in order for your posts to get seen by people and enjoyed.
Fandoms used to last YEARS. Star Trek is literally the oldest running fandom out there and you got people in there that could care less about the new stuff and still have been happily prancing through their fucking fifty year old fandom today. Hell, even SPN after all it’s fuckups and shitshows has a dedicated fanbase STILL creating tons of art and fic.
There is no patience anymore. No calm feeling of taking in fandom and friends at a pace that which doesn’t make you stressed and is still fun.
Do I blame fandom for this? Of course not, but people are complacent with it and start changing their vocab to accommodate and end up making the situation so deep it cant be fixed.
We call Art & Fic Content now, completely stripping the value of what it is to a level of consumerism instead of personal entertainment & community bonding.
Let OP talk, they’re absolutely right.
Offering the dragon marriage into the royal family had been a power play on the king’s part, a way to intimidate the kingdom’s enemies. He had not anticipated the dragon actually accepting the offer.
The king does not marry the dragon himself. The king instead plays another joke. He marries her to a knight. The knight is a long-distance cousin to the queen, hardly part of the royal family at all. She had nearly been a forgotten wound on the royal bloodline, never invited to dinners, to parties, to a seat on their counsel. When she had expressed her desire to become a knight publicly, every member of the royal family had just about disowned her.
So this is the joke: the woman who became a knight upset her family so much that she would be forced to tame the dragon every day of her life. It’s a funny joke, isn’t it? The biggest powerplay of all. The king gets to punish this lost doll, and the whole world will fear him because even their lowest of the royal family can be wed to the most feared monster.
There is a forbidden type of magic out there. It isn’t forbidden because it’s inherently evil, or forces you to lose your humanity, or requires human sacrifices - it’s just forbidden because it’s annoying as heck to fight against.
“Ma’am, I really must insist that you pay for the room and board I’ve been giving you! It’s been a week!”
“Fine, fine,” I grumble. “I have a few options for payment: I could give you paper money, cheap gaudy jewelry, chocolate coins, spiders, some pretty seashells-”
“Spiders????” he repeats, baffled.
“Spiders it is, then,” I agree equitably, and with a wave of my hand the bed I’ve been sleeping in for the last week turns into a writhing mass of various spiders.
Worth it.
—
“Stop right there! You’re under arrest for fraud, destruction of property, and-!”
I yawn. “Didn’t ask, don’t care.” A few gestures, and the guards’ swords are all transmuted into spiders, and then they’re too busy to worry about little ol’ me.
—
“You have insulted my honor and humiliated me in front of my children! I demand satisfaction! I demand a wizard’s duel!”
Shrugging, I say, “Sure, okay, whatever. Right here and now okay?”
The pompous wizard-noble blinks. “I- you don’t want to prepare? Get your wizard’s staff or anything?”
“Nah, I’m pretty good with somatic gestures.”
“Well, if you’re sure… here and now then! Have at you!” He slams his staff down on the ground dramatically, a small shockwave of fire radiating out from the impact.
So of course, I turn his staff into spiders.
“AHHHH WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK”
“So if you’re too busy screaming to cast spells, does that mean I win?”
“AUGH ONE OF THEM BIT ME”
“I’m taking that as a yes.”
—
After that, they start coming at me in waves, with cheap wands and staves and swords and bows bought in bulk, hoping to exhaust my magical reserves so they can get close enough to put a magic inhibitor on me.
They did not expect my reserves to be as vast as they were, not did they expect me to be able to transmute the inhibitors themselves into spiders.
“Didn’t you take Magic Basics in wizard college?” I yell at the panicking mages. “Inhibitors aren’t immune to magic until the moment they activate! Serious weak point in the design, tell your magitechnicians to fix that!”
—
So of course they try assassins next.
Poison fails, because I transmute any food and drink I get into spiders and then transmute them back. Pretty easy way to get rid of poison.
So then they try knives in dark alleys. The knives bruise through my full-body spider-silk outfit, but do not penetrate, and they only get one shot before they have bigger problems.
Next is killing me in my sleep. None live to report back that the human-shaped lump under the blankets is actually a mass of highly venomous spiders.
The kingdom throws everything it has at me, and I continue to walk away, heralded by the chittering of spiders and the screams of everyone else.
—
Finally, I stand before the king himself in his overly opulent throne room, and by now he is a broken shell of a man in the face of my unorthodox tactics.
Good.
“What do you want?” he practically sobs. “You’ve singlehandedly redirected the entire crown’s budget for the next three years into replacing every weapon you’ve turned into spiders. Much more and we’ll be invaded by our neighbors! We wouldn’t be able to resist being annexed! So what can I give you to make you stop doing this?!”
I pause and pretend to consider, tapping a finger against my chin thoughtfully. “You know, you sent my brother off to war a few years back. That conflict with the Yughs up north, I believe. He didn’t want to go, so your guards forced him at spearpoint. I haven’t seen him since.”
He seizes on that, as I expected. “Yes, yes, I’ll have him returned right away! Tell me his name and I’ll honorably release him from duty and have him escorted safely home!”
“Oh?” I raise one sardonic eyebrow. “Are you able to bring back the dead now, oh wise and glorious king?”
He pales, and it’s the most satisfying thing I’ve seen in years.
“You have nothing I want,” I growl, letting the anger slip through for the first time in years. “You cannot bring him back, you cannot make up for my loss with all the riches in your kingdom. The only thing I want is to take everything from you, the way you did to me. Your kingdom will bleed out of resources, one of the neighboring countries you’ve been trying to conquer for decades now will take advantage and annex this place, and you will either be executed or forced to work for a living for the first time in your life.”
I glare at him, and he refuses to meet my eyes. “You will lose everything you ever cared about in your life. One spider at a time.”
I transmute his throne and crown into spiders (non-deadly; he doesn’t get to escape my wrath that easily), then turn and walk away, ignoring his screams and sobs.
—
And that’s why, when the Yughs finally annexed the kingdom I grew up in, they preemptively made Transarachnomancy a forbidden magical art. Not sure how they intend to enforce that, mind, but I’m not looking to challenge that. I’ve gotten what I wanted; if some other aspiring mage wants to try and follow in my footsteps, that’s not my problem.
Besides, in terms of magical skill, I’ve always been an outlier anyway. Most mages would be lucky to turn just one knife into a spider at a time; I can turn ten thousand with a few gestures. I doubt anyone will outdo my legacy.
But hey, if you want to try and surpass Georgia of the Spiders? Feel free. I’ll welcome the competition.
only natural enemy of the spiders wizard is the cranberry harvester
i struggle to find the imagery of the danse macabre anything but joyful if i'm being honest. like darling, we're all on a one-way trip from womb to tomb anyway. we might as well dance along the way.
come on. take my hand and come dance with us. have some fun with it.
You know what… This really is one of the only alignment post that get the chaotic and lawful descriptors correctly aligned.
On the Lawful side: the two people who have to follow the recipes nearly exactly for the results they want - baking isn’t quite am exact measurements process but the margin of error for experiment is very, very thin. Tempering chocolate for use in structural works even more so.
On the Chaotic side: cooking and mixology where the margins of error for ingredients and portioning are so broad “whatever feels right” is almost never the wrong answer. The same recipe could be done a dozen different ways for a dozen different people and all of them would be a great outcome with minimal disaster in their wake.
This could also be an allegory for the difference between wizards (bakers) and sorcerers (cooks) - they’re all magic users (chefs), but the type of magic the weild and the source of their power is vastly different
You know, I was originally thinking that Dylan and Shiadanni should swap, but this convinced me they were properly placed, well done.
SHE THINKS HER LAUGH IS A SONG SO SHE SINGS BACK
Just an absolute fucking orb of a creature
so I didn't know if female jesters had been a thing in the past and looked it up and was introduced to mathurine the fool, who gave one of the best burns in history in a silly little way.
also she apparently stopped an assassination?? amazing.
[ID: She was known for her extravagant costume as an Amazonian warrior, complete with shield, armor, and a wooden sword. She was famous for her sharp wit, and there were many anecdotes about it. One of them was an occasion, in which a lady in waiting complained that she did not like having a fool at her right side, upon which Mathurine jumped to the lady’s other side and announced: “I don’t mind it at all.” /end ID]