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@smoke-suicide

i don't promote anything. i just show here what i feel inside. french girl
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sinligh

In the name of healing I bite chunks of myself daily, spit them out in my hand with the intention to wash it away later

Eventually, i end up over analyzing them, like everything else in my life

grafts of all the causes I’m still here, glued together by my mother’s fears

be the Alpha female, she said. “feed on your most beloved, a cup of the moon’s blood every night before bed for you to run alone forever, run wild, never slip”

I Shower myself with self-loathing, lick my own wounds close Keep me sane, keep me safe

loneliness to me is just another insecurity that is dangling from my prefrontal cortex, dangling right in front of my eyes… for me to see the world through it.

I spend hours looking at the bloody chunks in my hand, thinking where did i go wrong ? how much can I hold on to this heartache ?

I've been running around it all my life, running around red lines, red lines circle me, i run in circles around myself I’m all that I’ve ever knew, yet, I only know myself in fading

A distant memory, a deja vu…

All I really know, is that the only stable in my life is the fact that I exist, and that it’s a temporary state.

jamais vu.

will the lines fade if i eat what i bit off of myself again ? if i chew and chew and chew… If i teach myself to stomach it will i be whole again?

is holding on to those pieces enough to satisfy my desire to be held ?

Or does it make me a feral rogue ?

Schizophrenic delusions ticking in my head…

Sometimes I wonder if it’s my fault that I’m this alone…

then again I wasn’t the one feeding myself all the insecurities as a young child.

I wasn’t the one playing pretend.

It was never my fault, my mother thought faking happiness is the way to protect me, it was never my fault father wasn’t interested in the details, as long as I was his perfect girl…

Now, I can’t hold on to anything the way i hold on to the lunatic turmoil that makes me sway and laugh on my own personal misery.

Call it history.

Hide behind defensive humor, get my inner demons drunk on caffeine, mistake that high for happiness cause mama did too…

And wait for caffeine withdrawal to wake us up, both of us…

I’ve never been hangover, but I imagine this is how it’ll feel

The aura ? The migraine?

The urge to throw myself up to be reborn clean.

•••

•Quotes: Olivia Laing/Heather Havrilesky/ Olivia Laing/ Marya Hornbacher/Anaïs Nin/Camille Norton/ Alice Oseman/ eduardo C. Corral/anne carson/ Joanne Harris/ Hannah Green/Hannah Green/Lisel Mueller

•Original context: sinligh

•Art reference:

1. Sasha Hartslief, Late Night Shower, 2021. 2. Getting Up by Vincent Giarrano. 3.illustration by Owen Gent. 4. The Lovers on the Bridge, 1991. 5. "Beverly Edmier 1967' Keith Edmier, 1998

•song recommendation:

P.s: the whole album is a masterpiece ! Give it a try, thank me later.

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a-seasons-day
my next door neighbor instead of celebrating her 18th birthday was found on the rooftop of the 18th floor and she jumped right before I could tell her that she made it my sister walked into my room tears in her eyes and I asked her why she was crying she told me she felt like she was drowning and I told her I’d save her but two years later I found her in her bathroom she wasn’t breathing and that was when I realized the scribbles on her walls of every name she’s been called how she signed the bottom of every poem with I’m sorry how she always thought her work was not good enough how her smile was not pretty enough how she was not kind enough but I should’ve told her she was more than enough five years after my sister’s death I found my best friend lying in bed he told me how he wanted out and I told him how he needs to take some deep breaths I told him about my sister and my neighbor how both their eyes were unimaginable for even metaphors to describe how they loved everything but their lives. I told him how my sister used to write from the age of five about how the sun was not nearly as bright as my eyes and my neighbor, was the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, I said that the world needs to shut the fuck up, because my little sister was enough, that neighbor, she was enough, I told him how he was enough, more than enough. she was 15, I said, my little sister. not even old enough, to do all she could’ve. she was scared she was not beautiful, Or not enough. do not tell me depression is beautiful Or that anxiety is beautiful Or pain is beautiful Because the things that kill you are not beautiful. But you, You are beautiful. And you are enough.

It’s 12:50 and I’m trying to save her // she was so young (via a-seasons-day)