Hi?

Since its acquisition in 2015 post bankruptcy (and subsequent removal from the back of plane seats), the products at SkyMall have moved away from the whimsical, and instead have trended toward a "use once then store in your garage for years" model. It's really a shame that this once great American company faltered to the point that I could no longer find humor in their product offerings. There really isn't anything left to write about so I might as...well......shut........MY GOD.  The awkwardness, the misuse, and the overall pointlessness of it all! It’s breathtaking!

Hovertrax

Skymall VP - "So wait... what are we selling here?" Skymall R&D - "It's called Hovertrax" Skymall VP -"Which is the..." Skymall R&D -"The round things underneath her" Skymall VP -"Er... round things?" Skymall R&D -"Yes the wheels she's standing on" Skymall VP -"Oh yeah...  I see them now." This is the best I could come up with in lieu of being overtly rude...  I typed and deleted "Hovertrax?  More like Hover RACKS!!!" about 10 times, but lets face it, this blog is classier than that.  

Adult Jumping Ball

I give to you the "Adult Jumping Ball".  I'm still stunned that a company with so many "must" have products is going out of business.  I will say that "Office Attire" Santa appears to be having a whale of a time on that thing.  Interestingly enough, there is no description (or explanation) about why the face of the ball looks like a Mariachi John Lennon.

A Nation Turns its Lonely Eyes To Me

Having not updated this blog in quite some time, I was surprised to find my inbox inundated with "new follower" alerts. I assumed it was an unintended side effect of Skymall's recent bankruptcy announcement, and the resulting uptick in Google searches about the company.  Amusingly enough, my blog comes up as the first search result whenever you type "Best Skymall Products" or "Worst Skymall Products" (uh...Yay?). After doing a little digging, I discovered that erroneous search results were not the cause.  It appeared that the spike in my traffic was due to a number of media outlets seeing fit to link to my blog as a "source" (again, uh... Yay?). Unfortunately, my job as a door to door polyester salesman has kept me quite busy, so I have not had time to provide my loyal followers with any recent entries, and with this announcement, it appears I will not be receiving any new material in the future.   I may gradually post the remaining items I never quite got to as a drawn out eulogy for this once great company, but each of these entries takes time, and my schedule can be quite unforgiving.  Despite what you might think, polyester doesn't just sell itself, so please bear with me.  

On a personal note, I am saddened to see Skymall closing its doors.  In the past I used this blog as a way to pass the hours when I was stuck awake due to a severe case of auto-erotic insomnia (I'm pretty sure I'm using that term correctly...).  Most of these posts were written during the wee hours of the evening, and I will probably have to find another way to kill time during sleepless nights (it's a tossup between knitting and furious masturbation).   If like me you are wracked with sadness and a sense of guilt (I mean... I really meant to look at it on the plane, but since the FAA lifted the restrictions on electronics during takeoff and landing, there was no way I wasn't finishing watching "Weekend at Bernie's" for the 20th time), I suggest you throw on some Simon and Garfunkel, head on over to Skymall one last time to order up a pair of "Drinking Glasses With Straw", and join me in a toast to yet another fallen American institution (note: the picture below is of the aforementioned "Drinking Glasses with Straw", and is not a picture of me...  As I have mentioned in previous entries, I have a glorious head of hair.  It's really quite striking. Also, I think this qualifies as a new entry, so enjoy!).

Large Super Skate Sail

There's so much potential for grievous bodily harm with this product that it probably deserves to be in the "Worst" category, but f-ing look at it!  This is such a fantastically ridiculous and dangerous product that I can't possibly say anything bad about it. 5 stars!!!

High Waist Control Boxer Brief

This picture makes me so very very sad.

Cha-Cha Carmen Rhinestone Top

OH GOD MAKE IT STOP MY EYES ARE BLEEDING!!!   For only sixty dollars, you can own a shirt that looks like the fevered dream of an LSD tripping Mickey Rourke.

The Torso Toner

So simple in concept, so horrifying in execution.  How is it possible that a product can so single-handedly dispose of a man's masculinity and dignity?  Look at the poor model's "kill me" eyes in this photo.  After this photo shoot I guarantee you he gave up modeling entirely, and pursued a more dignified career as a floor cleaner at a peep show club.

NFL Wine Shoe Holder

For the foot fetishist sports fan who has absolutely no taste.   How did someone even begin to pitch this product in the first place?  I get that people like to display nice bottles of wine, and I can even accept that they are so sports obsessed that everything they own is themed around their favorite football team.  I guess where I start to experience a disconnect with the product inventor is the choice of a rhinestone studded four inch high heel as the medium.  Then again, I'm not really into toes.

Back in the saddle again...

Hey loyal followers!  So I've been off the grid for a while (a common occurrence on this blog), but I have 5 (yes five!) new entries this week.  So enjoy them... or not...  really I don't give a rip, it's not like I get paid for this.

Orbitwheels

Why do I feel like Skymall is constantly trying to revolutionize the way we travel, and has thus far failed miserably?

Dog Dung Vacuum

For when scooping poop is "too much work" (that's the product description, not my words), this product "eliminates the need to bend over and scoop it up by hand".  By all rights, I should hate this thing.  Using technology to reduce any physical effort on our part is yet another reason for the growing  obesity epidemic in this country.  That being said... Yay Science!  You can now buy a literal CRAP VACUUM!  A POOP CHUTE!  A SHIT SHOVELLER! 

The Human Slingshot

It's official, Skymall is trying to kill us.

All Star Guitar

$149.95 for a fake guitar that you can plug your iPad into.  I play the guitar (poorly), and would love an easier way to do it, but I can't imagine pulling this bad boy out at a party without expecting heaping amounts of ridicule.  There is no way you could ever use this product outside of your own bedroom.   Trying to pass this off as a legitimate instrument would be the equivalent of playing "Guitar Hero" and claiming that since you clicked buttons along with the game, you can now play "Stairway to Heaven".   A selling point in the description is that it can "easily play thousands of songs".  So can an mp3 player, and you can buy a cheap one for $10.00.  There, I just saved you $140.00.  Don't say this blog never did anything for you.

iPhone Cufflinks and Fully Functional USB Cufflinks

It's a special twofer today!  Two completely inane products in one entry.  Granted, they are both cufflinks, and both garner the same "place face in hand and slowly shake head back and forth" reaction (I believe the hip internet kids call it facepalming?), but there is one obvious difference.   The iPhone cufflinks are stupid.  The USB cufflinks are stupid, but an argument can be made that it appeals to aspiring spy in all of us since it stores up to 2GB of data for only $100.00.  Wait...  $100 for 2GB of storage?  Oh Skymall, you're like the used car dealer of online shopping.

Solowheel

Ridiculous looking?  Yes.  Fills a completely nonexistent demand?  Definitely.  Horribly overpriced at nearly $1800.00?  You betcha.  Completely awesome?  Absolutely!   I have the balance of a drunken baby, so I'm sure I'd be horrible at this, but based on videos online this looks like an absolute hoot! One thing to note...   Unless her green hair dye creates some kind of magical barrier around her head, I'm guessing it would be unwise to ride this without a helmet.   Is it just me or does it seem like there are a number of products on Skymall that would keep a personal injury lawyer very busy?

Hiccural Hiccup Stick Honestly, without testing this, I have no idea whether or not this works (therefore negating my ability to determine if this falls in the "best" or "worst" category).  The instructions state that you should "insert it horizontally into your mouth and bite down while drinking a cup of water."  There is also an instructional video that explains this process, but refrains from showing anyone actually drinking water while holding this in their mouth.  Out of curiosity I threw a chopstick in my mouth and attempted to drink water.  Damn near choked to death.  After my admittedly non-scientific attempt, it is my belief that this product works...  Not because of anything special to the stick, but because almost waterboarding yourself scares the hiccups away.  Also, I recommend watching the very infomercial like instruction video.  It's hysterical.  Highlights include a kid trying to drink water while standing on his head, and a mother and daughter discussing hiccups like they are the plague. I'd give you a link to it, but what am I, your mother?

The Upright Sleeper

No words can do this product justice.  I have included all three pictures that are available on Skymall, since they seem to just get better and better.  Don't get me wrong, there are occasions where I find myself sleeping upright (for example, church...), but isn't sleeping upright more of an impromptu thing rather than a planned event?  By its very nature this looks extremely difficult to put on, and isn't particularly compact.  I like how the lady in the third photo is wearing a decorative scarf (ascot? dickey?) in order to conceal her Upright Sleeper.  I'm wondering if she first awkwardly pulled this monstrosity over her head, then delicately placed the scarf so as not to draw attention to it.  

Zipline Rider Set

This product practically screams potential lawsuit.  It's self assemble, and amongst other things the package includes, "75 feet of steel cable, u-clamps, and a steel trolley." Remember lawn darts?  They don't sell those anymore because of the potential safety hazard involved.  This however?  Perfectly fine! The best part is the picture doesn't even attempt to make it look safe.  The tree looks like it could fall over at any minute, and the kid is standing on a rickety old ladder.  Thank God he/she (really hard to tell) is wearing a helmet, but then again, I'm guessing that's standard head wear for the child of any parent who would put this up.

The Dog Spa Gift Box

According to the description, the box includes, "exquisite essences and fragrances along with superior ingredients designed to condition your pets coat."  They've also added "a warm dog terry-blend robe" and describe it as "the fluffy robe your pet will wear with pride as it puts a smile on your face."  There are also "after-treatment treats", and finally, "a beautiful Mediterranean-inspired ceramic bowl."    My dog ate a dryer sheet the other day, and would have eaten his own poop if I hadn't scooped it quickly enough.  I doubt he would wear the terry-blend robe with pride.  Maybe because he's not very prideful, but mostly because HE'S A FREAKING DOG!