I am literally begging you guys to stop hiding the most hilarious side-slapping shit in the tags

that is from april 2020, but it still fits now.

Be safe out there

Me: *Removes my cat from my lap to do something else.*

My cat: Father is…evil? Father is unyielding? Father is incapable of love? I am running away. I am packing my little rucksack and going out to explore the world as a lone vagabond. I can no longer thrive in this household.

The spiritual successor to Miette

Might I also add

May i add the piece from artist Verbal Vomit

Glad to see we’re all in agreement that cats talk like disparaged victorian children

I am so incredibly glad we finally moved on from “i can has”. Cats are clearly smart enough for advanced sentence structure and dumb enough to draw entirely incorrect conclusions about what they’re talking about.

My cat, banging the cabnet door over and over and over: bang bang bang

Me: you will not earn what you desire by banging the cabinet door.

My cat: This is a test of wills, is it not? We shall see if your ability to put up with my incessant banging outlasts my eternal lust for snackie treats. Years of conditioning have hardened me for this purpose. bang bang bang

Me: ksst!

My cat, throwing herself to the ground like she’s been shot: Oh! Oh I have been assailed in my own home! Have mercy, have pity! Surely in the cruel darkness of your heart there is some mote of goodness that might stay your hand! Do not strike me, I pray you!

Me: ok

My cat, after waiting about 3 minutes: bang bang bang

Can haz snackytreat

(source)

straight friend groups are like: *blonde girl* *chad* *the funny one* *kyle* *brunette girl* *frat boy*

gay friend groups are like: *the feminist mom friend* *ex-pro wrestler* *disgraced prince* *living reincarnation of the earth spirit born into the body of a young boy who was frozen in a glacier for a century and awoke to find that his people were the victims of a genocide and he is the sole survivor* *sokka*

It fucking took me till *sokka* to realize what this fucking was im crying i just fucking accepted disgraced prince and living reincarnation bc the gays be like that sometimes but my god yes

normal brain: playing pokemon B/W as a nuzlocke or efficient playthrough proves N right because you turned your pokemon into tools for your own personal gain

galaxy brain: playing pokemon X/Y without using mega evolution proves Lysandre right, because you are presented with a scarcity scenario with the mega ring and you use your strength to selfishly decide that nobody should have or use one

universe brain: Resetting pokemon D/P/Pt proves Cyrus right because you have full control over the game’s universe and can freely remake it in your image on a whim.

Nothing proves Archie and Maxie right because they are morons.

I don’t know how Mai, Ty Lee, and Azula initially became friends beyond knowing that they went to prep school together

but I’m imagining Ty Lee, who was at the height of her “i must be quirky and stand out with every decision or why am i even alive” phase saw the literal princess of the fire nation and thought “yep she’s gonna be my best friend” and then azula threatened to burn down a classroom if she couldn’t get a good grade and Ty Lee was like “yes, yesss, this will be such an unusual and quirky best friend I need her” and proceeded to walk up to azula, introduced herself as azula’s best friend, and literally never left her side again until they were done with school

Meanwhile Azula was so used to everyone tripping over themselves to get on her good side that it wasn’t even a challenge anymore and then at some point she was going to sit down and asked some random goth girl to move and instead of scattering away, mai’s just like “no, sorry, i’m too busy staring at the wall and thinking about how death is inevitable” and azula is like “!!!! Someone as depressed and dramatic as I am?” And she’s like “hi I’m princess azula and I want you to be my best friend” and mai’s like “hmmm no thanks” and Azula’s like “oh god, finally, a worthy challenge”

By popular request, I have now tried a “happy” comic. A new character is also introduced. But I don’t know yet if this one will appear again. It was a lot of fun to draw this comic, but I think the heartbreaking stories are more my style :’)

video series

due to personal reasons im evil now

the lotr films love to present gimli as the ugly, dirty, ignorantly rude comic relief when the reality is that aragorn is a sweaty, grimy, greasy-haired ranger who sleeps rough on the road and maybe bathes once a month, and legolas is a feral cat who eats dirt and sleeps in trees and threatens anyone who tries to start shit with his friends with a notched arrow to the skull regardless of the potential consequences, while gimli is a dwarf prince who actually acts the part, is well-educated and mannered, has a strong sense of honor and duty, appreciates song, poetry and other fine arts and crafts as well as food and drink, and is actually probably the cleanest member of the three hunters. anti-dwarf propaganda never sleeps.

headcanon that during their time in the wild together chasing merry and pippin aragorn and legolas started behaving more and more oddly and gimli wasn’t sure whether it was because they were becoming friends so they felt they could be more like themselves around each other or if they were just fucking with him, but either way he was too afraid to ask

aragorn: *crouches down* *picks up a fistful of soil and starts chewing it thoughtfully* the uruk-hai are heading east

gimli: you can tell that just from the dirt?

aragorn: what? oh no, i figured that out from these tracks here. this is just a snack.

gimli:

legolas: *tears a strip of moss from one of the trees in fangorn forest and starts munching on it as they walk*

gimli, sniffling: i hate this fucking family

I mean Legolas is an elf prince so I kind of think the two of them are sitting back watching Aragorn be fucking weird muttering things to each other like “are…are normal humans like this?” “i have literally no idea what normal humans do. I don’t know if i prefer this or the halflings and their 7 meals a day”.

Too bad the prophet Cassandra never met Odysseus

They say if she made a prophecy Nobody would believe her

I’ve gotta say, that is exactly the kind of stupid thing that probably would circumvent a curse.

Story concept of the day: a universe that follows the ‘any city with a superhero attracts villains like ants to spilled soda’ rule, but having a local superhero in the justice league equivalent the only way to get protection from world-ending plots and aliens.

The plot follows the heroes and villains in a city that has been purposefully manufacturing tragic backstories to create them.

I’m talking ‘scouting kids with existing problems and having their parents killed’ and ‘not-so-accidental nuclear waste spills’

The two main characters are a role reversal— a villain who accepts ‘saving the city’ as an understandable enough reason to hurt a handful of people including himself, and a hero whose response to this knowledge is ‘kill everyone involved’.

Their general attitudes are ‘I just want my suffering to MEAN something’ and ‘I will do whatever I need to to prevent this from happening to anyone else’, respectfully

The situation is complicated by the fact that the two have a decade-old rivalry and actually know each other pretty well. They find out in the same incident and it just... breaks the last thread of legitimacy of them as enemies. They’re suddenly on the same page and they have nobody else.

This leads into the next complication— the hero has a sidekick, who is only 14. When her mentor suddenly decides he’s not the guy in the group who isn’t down for murder after all, the villain steps up to keep her safe and un-arrested.

Hero: what the hell happened? I’ve known you since we were 16! you’ve been angry that whole time! why are you suddenly okay with everything right after we find out somebody’s been ruining your life ON PURPOSE?

Villain: turns out I handle intentional manipulation from people better than senseless cruelty from the universe, who knew?

The villain and the sidekick make a show out of hating working together, mostly to avoid admitting that they’re almost family. They refer to each other as ‘Sidekick’ and ‘Asshole’ respectively.

All three of them solemnly refuse to address that the hero and the villain are a little bit in love.

ATTENTION EVERYONE

THE OLD ME IS DEAD. I HAVE KILLED HER AND TAKEN OVER HER EXISTENCE. I AM EXACTLY THE SAME IN EVERYWAY EXCEPT I AM SEXIER.

I DO NOT KNOW WHEN I TOO WILL BE KILLED AND REPLACED WITH A SE-

ATTENTION EVERYONE

@normal-horoscopes​ can you confirm or deny if this is how caretakers are chosen or created

YEAH THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH MY EXPERIENCE

remember when hozier did the victorias secret fashion show. scream

he looks like he just accidentally teleported there 

Y'all Elle interviewed him about this beforehand and it’s the best thing I’ve read.

What a legend

i think you’re talking about this lady.  Her name is Barb Calderon.

and she wouldn’t have had to eat that king if he’d have just stepped down. it’s not like it was the most desirable outcome, and the political and magical ramifications involved were pretty harsh. he even knew exactly how garbage he was being and had counted on being assassinated. he was prepared for mages, witches, fighters, pretty much every being who could turn his golden asshole inside out for just about killing thousands of people through sheer horrible planning and greed. you couldn’t get a sword near him and he wouldn’t agree to a knife fight like a respectable politician.

and the people did try other things first. when people are starving to death it kind of hurts to poison soup but oh man so much poison soup came out of that castle kitchen.

anyone who did get a hit on him were reminded that money can buy the best healers and that being magically linked to the land means it’s very hard to not find your would-be assassin. there were a lot of heads on pikes. everyone was getting pretty sick of all the heads on pikes.

when the most powerful mages they could hire didn’t cut it they turned to Barb because a lawyer is just as good as a witch in a pinch.

a lawyer with access to countless banned books, children to feed, and a giant spiked club is considerably more dangerous.

so she cracked open a few books on blood law, highlighted a few passages, kissed her kids goodbye and showed up at the castle in a sleek dire wolf pants suit holding a golden fork with the name of the First Plot Of Soil etched into it.

the rest was political, culinary, and legislation history.

More Spooky.

Mixing the spooky prompts of  'gay vampires’ and ‘all dressed up for a spooky soriee’  again.

This is Salt. She’s pretty good a putting people back together, is full of leeches, has a dark sense of humor, and is very short. She’s also as gay as a hermaphroditic leech person who mostly uses she/her for convenience but has no strong feelings about gender can be.  

She grew up around pit fighters and eventually became a medic when her own career didn’t work out (her eyes were always wonky but then she had to grow a few back after That Fight and yeesh). When the pits got shut down one of the older medics decided to put an actual practice together and hit the road, taking Salt and a few other favorites with. Eventually they got pretty successful and opened a lot of non-human friendly hospitals.  She’s currently attending a 'children of the night’ themed benefit sponsored by Cashmere’s company as a representative since her boss couldn’t make it.

Here’s a bunch of lore about the kind of vampire she is because of course I wrote some:

Hirudo Vampires

What are they: A race of Mermaids. Mermaids that are essentially a sack full of leeches, but yeah. Mermaids.

Keep reading

I’ve been trying for days to think of a HMC take on the ‘but sir, that’s my emotional support _____’ meme but literally everything in that goddamn book applies

emotional support castle

emotional support fire

emotional support skull/guitar/suit/hair dye

emotional support cleaning lady

Howl is a man whose Problems have Problems and he needs all the support he can get.

 Hey btw, another worldbuilding thing: You can, and actually should have weird and impractical cultural things. They’re not inherently unrealistic, for as long as you address the realistic consequences as well.

 Let’s say you’ve got a city where there’s tame white doves everywhere. They’re not pests, they’re regarded as sacred, holy protectors of the city, and the whole city cares for them and feeds them like they’re pets. They’re so tame because it’s a social taboo to hurt or scare one. Nice pretty doves :)

 Then someone points out that even if they’re not seen as pests, doesn’t having a completely unchecked feral pigeon population - that not only isn’t being culled, but actively fed and cared for - mean that there would be bird shit absolutely all over the place?

 A part of you wants to say no, because these are your nice, pretty doves. To explain that there’s a reason why they’re not shitting all over the place, maybe they’re super-intelligent and specifically bred and trained to not shit all over the place. The logistics of how, exactly, could anyone breed and train a flock of feral birds go unaddressed.

 An even worse solution would be to not have those birds, editing them out of the world. No, they spark joy, you can’t just toss them out!

 Now, consider: Yes, yes they would, but the city also has an extensive public sanitation service that’s occupied 90% of the time by cleaning bird shit off of everything. One of the most common last names in the area actually translates to “one who scrapes off dove shit”, and it’s a highly respected occupation. And thanks to the sheer necessity of constantly regularly cleaning everything, the city enjoys a much higher standard of cleanliness, and less public health issues caused by poor public sanitation.

 The doves do protect the city. By shitting fucking everywhere.