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Exuberance is Beauty

@siouxzie-queue / siouxzie-queue.tumblr.com

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. ~~ William James

I've essentially ghosted Tumblr, but I can't post this to anywhere else today because... I just can't.

2 years ago I went to find my partner ecause he hadn't shown up for a call. State Police found him dead in his garage.

It was my youngest sister's graduation. I was 4 months pregnant. The weather that day was very similar to today, and I got a sunburn standing outside waiting for the Troopers to get there.

I am still trying to figure out how I feel about him, because he wasn't a guy without flaws - he did and said some things that really hurt people, that gave people their own form of post-traumatic stress. But he also wasn't the total asshole some people paint him to be. He was a troubled kid, complete with complicated baggage.

Whatever the case, here I sit in the same chair but in a different house. Our toddler is running around in his dad's sandals throwing a duckie toy in the kitchen. So many things have changed, but some things remain the same. It's a strange, sad, crappy day. An anniversary I'd rather not have in my life.

“Wherever the art of Medicine is loved, there is also a love of Humanity.”

- Hippocrates People don’t experience burnout or compassion fatigue because they are weak, but because they work so hard and care so much. It’s a hard balance to maintain, and if you end up needing help or needing to put yourself first, then that’s OK. P.S. please don’t do this to your stethoscope, it’s really bad for the rubber tubing.

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Nice. Thanks, Tumblr.

You kinky kinky medic you

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That RATs bracelet was way too kinky.

I had 3 posts it flagged too. All 3 of my dogs. Way to go Tumblr.

Yeah man, my arm is super outside the guidelines and is totally controversial. What's the most controversial is why the fuck this woman was ever allowed to use an IV start kit and a needle.

The end?

After a whole lot of soul searching and tears and talking it out with the Hoosband Man, I've come to the decision that it's time for me to get out of EMS.

Burnout, compassion fatigue, stress because of coworkers who are absolute total bitches, the fact that I never see my husband, the feeling like I'm missing my son grow up... All of that, plus a whole lot of mental health issues that I need to face and deal with, not the least of which is PTSD in general but specifically from the death of my partner. These are my reasons for getting out, for being done.

It's time for me to start taking care of me. I need a step back. I need a break. Idk how long of a break, but I need a job that doesn't require me to make life and death decisions. I need a job that is not sitting around for hours waiting for something to happen, and then dumping all of my adrenaline when the something happens. I nerd a job that allows me to get home most nights to be able to put my kid to bed, that doesn't require him to be in daycare 6 days a week.

It's time.

And while you may be sad for me, I am completely at peace with this decision. I am now. I wasn't a few days ago. But I am now at peace with it. Because it's the right thing to do for me and for my family and for the patients I could potentially have in my care. Burnout kills people, and I don't want the death of a patient on my conscience because I was too proud or too scared to make a career change.

I may keep my hands on medicine, though right now I don't think that's a wise idea for me. Right now I need a desk job and time with my family. And a good therapist. And probably some good drugs. And a hobby.

14 years. 6 years ago (almost to the day) I was granted my Paramedic certificate. I've been working full time in EMS for 8 years, volunteer for 6 year before that. It's a lot to give up. But. I am not my job, something the Tiny Human has helped me learn. I am so much more than a Medic. Becoming a mom has kind of defined me. I want to be able to be a much more present, much more interactive, much more fun mom. And a much much better wife.

Here's to transitions.

I AM DYING RIGHT NOW!!! 😂😂😂

What started out as a print-at-home card game has now been brought to life! If you’re a fan of Cards Against Humanity and Disney, this game is definitely for you. Be aware though, NONE of these cards are rated G. 

WARNING: Unless you’re ok with having your favourite Disney characters and films ruined forever, don’t buy this game. 

If you’re a horrible person then check it out HERE

President Velveeta plagiarized his inauguration cake.

A. Cake.

This is real life.

They took the man’s cake design like they are so low down

EVERYONE IS MISSING THE BEST GOSH DANG PART OF THIS STORY

THEY DONATED ALL THE PROFITS TO HRC!!

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it’s cool that the bakery also gave a shoutout to the original cake designer

like they absolutely knew how shady this whole thing was and managed to handle it in the best way possible

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Update on #cakegate.

Omg this is madness

I never heard the end of this story!

I have so much shit in my heart and my head right now.

On the home front, my baby is a toddler. He's a one-year-old. That in and of itself is hard to wrap my head around. I'm watching him get bigger every day, and my brain is already seeing him as a grade schooler, and a middle schooler, and a high schooler, and an adult. Please please slow down.

At work, things are absolutely unbearable. For so many reasons, and once the thing that is happening behind the scenes related to work is settled, I'll talk more about that.

Tonight I discovered my partner's Facebook is gone. And I was absolutely heartbroken and devistated. It's the only way I've been able to keep talking to him for a year and a half. And now it's like he has been erased.

There are good things on the horizon, but right now..... A lot of things hurt.

It’s sad that toxic game culture is so prevalent cuz like. As someone who has ended up in random matches with kids before, I can attest to how fucking easy it is to reverse and un-teach shitty attitudes in kids.

Example: I downloaded Friday the 13th because it’s free on psn. I dunno how to play, so I just enter quick play and I’m matched with 3-4 kids on mic. Immediately on mic they’re shitty and disparaging to each other. They laugh at each others deaths, they actively work against team mates and self sabotage, they call each other “fags”, etc. From the sounds of the voices they cannot be older than 13-14.

I put on my mic and just decide I ain’t havin it. I am nice. I thank them for barricading doors or leaving me items. When they break free from Jason’s grasp I say “good job!” or I try to help them. One kid survived for most of the match by himself. When he dies, I tell him he did a fantastic job.

The mood shift is practically INSTANT. These kids almost immediately stop being dick heads. They start encouraging each other and being kind. After the match all of them try to friend request me. Which should tell you a couple of things:

A) kids want to be kind, and they want to have a nice time playing games. But encounters with adults like me or so rare that they’ve trained themselves to instantly put on a toxic, shitty, defensive veneer when encountering any new person online. It’s literally just THAT EASY to not groom a horrible gaming community, it’s just that NO ONE does it.

B) the speed of which they all tried to friend me was cute, but paints for me such a sad picture? Like these kids are SO desperate to find people to play with who aren’t crappy jerks. They played with me for 10 minutes TOPS and all instantly tried to reach out to me.

tl;dr: The kids are alright. Adults are shit heads.

I cant agree with this post more

I witnessed something similar with my younger brother (this was when he was In fifth grade so bear with me here) and his friends. The teacher assigned for them to build a somewhat accurate spanish mission in Minecraft because their school had gotten some iPads and she needed to assign them something other than a PowerPoint.

Now here’s the thing. Most of these boys, my brother included, have ADD/ADHD. About a week into the project all they had in their shared world was chaos. Somebody filled the place with tnt and lit it up. Holes everywhere. Whenever one would attempt to try and build something (mostly wood huts and not the actual project) it would be destroyed within minutes as the boys began to insult each other heavily and complain that the design was ugly.

I brought my own ipad with me and decided to sit with the boys while they continued their reign of terror. I joined the world and built a hallway out of brick at the very center of this war zone. Immediately one of them tried to destroy it under the impression that “it looks bad”.

“Well, what should I make it out of?”

“Diamond.”

The ten year old mind is a mystery to me…

Anyway, then I showed him some pictures similar to these:

I reasoned that it would be easier to sway this kid toward another pretty block than trying to get him to stick to the materials of the time, so I asked him if he would like to help me replace my brick design with quartz (eh, it’s white).

Bam! One of the ten year old anarchists is dutifully building me a glittering gem hallway for our insanely rich monks.

The other three are off somewhere still yelling at each other and setting off explosives, but we have something built. Much to my surprise the kid asked if he could build the church next because he “wanted to build the most important part”.

Here’s where I learned something important. I don’t have ADD or ADHD but as I said before my brother does. When he gets fixated on something, he’s really gets into it. Once a few minutes had passed and this kid already had four walls up I decided to grid up the entire mission. One gets the church, one gets the farm, etc.

After playing the game with them for an hour, I had a pretty good idea of where each kid should go.

Church kid, I found, was very particular about materials and shape(hence his hangup over the brick). I gave him free reign over the outer walls of the mission and showed him the reference pictures to get him started.

My brother liked the farms most (he was building dirt domes over the cows don’t ask me how I made this connection it just worked, okay), so he was in charge of building pens for the animals.

Another kid was, at first glance, very loud and bossy when it came to decorating (constantly said we were making chairs wrong). Turns out he likes interior design, like putting benches and beds in the little rooms, so his bossiness was just frustration with my brother’s artistic sense I guess.

Another was very good with placing trees and plants around the exterior (I guessed this because he covered the place in a ridiculous amount of trees and I asked him if he would like to know where they are supposed to go). He got to make a vineyard for us and organized how the crops should go.

So how did it turn out?

Actually very nice!!

So what did we learn? Kids actually like to play games and be praised for their creativity and intuition. If I had just told them to stop messing around rather than direct their attention to areas within their interests, they never would have gotten anything done.

After an hour of gaming they:

  • Mirrored my language; “thank you!”, “which part are you working on?”, “I like this block.”
  • Realized each other’s strengths; “hey [kid name] can you help me with the roof?” “How do you make the big trees [kid name]?”
  • Were able to articulate exactly what they did or didn’t like without using force; “that looks good!”, “how about we put it there?”, “I don’t like that block, how about this one?”

On the plus side, since we moved the game file to my device for safekeeping, I now have a cute little souvenir of the time I played Minecraft with four ten year olds.

This is a really long post, but it’s super important. In games like Fortnite where you’ll find lots of kids, it’s important (if you can) to steer them away from toxicity. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve run into kids who talk like toxic adults and the act of just being nice to them completely turns them around.

This doesn't just apply to gaming! This applies to anything in regards to children. If you model kindness and acceptance for children, they will more often than not begin to behave with kindness and acceptance. No child is born being a jerk, no child is born with prejudice and hatred. That stuff is learned.

Today my girlfriend said to me “I can’t wait to watch you succeed” with the biggest grin on her face and man if that isn’t just like the most loving, supportive thing anyone could ever say idk what is

shout out to the girls that hate their bodies but are trying really really hard to find the beauty and comfort in them because that shit is hard and takes a lot of time and is emotionally exhausting. i’m proud of y'all.

Scientists at the University of Maryland School of Medicine have for the first time found direct causal links between a key brain chemical and avoidance-behavior related to pain and fear.

Researchers have long known that the neurotransmitter dopamine plays a key role in driving behavior related to pleasurable goals, such as food, sex and social interaction. In general, increasing dopamine boosts the drive toward these stimuli. But dopamine’s role in allowing organisms to avoid negative events has remained mysterious.

The new study establishes for the first time that dopamine is central in causing behavior related to the avoidance of specific threats. The work was published in the journal Current Biology.

“This study significantly advances what we know about how dopamine affects aversively motivated behaviors,” said Joseph F. Cheer PhD, a professor in the UMSOM Department of Anatomy & Neurobiology and the study’s corresponding author. “In the past, we thought of dopamine as a neurotransmitter involved in actions associated with the pursuit of rewards. With this new information we can delve into how dopamine affects so many more kinds of motivated behavior.”

To better understand the role that dopamine plays in this process, Dr. Cheer and his colleagues, including principal author Jennifer Wenzel, PhD, a fellow in Dr. Cheer’s laboratory, studied rats, focusing on a particular brain area, the nucleus accumbens. This brain region plays a crucial role in linking the need or desire for a given reward – food, sex, etc. – with the motor response to actually obtain that reward.

To study the animals under natural conditions, they used optogenetics, a relatively new technique in which specific groups of neurons can be controlled by exposure to light. In this case, Dr. Cheer’s group used a blue laser to stimulate genetically modified rats whose dopamine neurons could be controlled to send out more or less dopamine. In this way, they were able to see how dopamine levels affected the animals’ behavior. The principal advantage of this approach: he could control dopamine levels even as the animals moved freely in their environment.

The researchers subjected the animals to small electric shocks, but also taught the animals how to escape the shocks by pressing a small lever. Using optogenetics, they controlled the amount of dopamine released by neurons in the nucleus accumbens. Animals with high levels of dopamine in this brain region learned to avoid a shock more quickly and more often than animals that had a lower level of dopamine in this region.

Dr. Cheer says that this indicates that dopamine causally drives animals to avoid unpleasant or painful situations and stimuli. The results greatly expand the role that dopamine plays in driving behavior.

The researchers also examined the role that endocannabinoids play in this process. Endocannabinoids, brain chemicals that resemble the active ingredients in marijuana, play key roles in many brain processes. Here, Dr. Cheer and his colleagues found that endocannabinoids essentially open the gate that allows the dopamine neurons to fire. When the researchers reduced the level of endocannabinoids, the animals were much less likely to move to avoid shocks.

Dr. Cheer argues that the research sheds light on brain disorders such as post-traumatic stress disorder and depression. In depression, patients feel unable to avoid a sense of helplessness in the face of problems, and tend to ruminate rather than act to improve their situation. In PTSD, patients are unable to avoid an overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety in the face of seemingly low-stress situations. Both disorders, he says, may involve abnormally low levels of dopamine, and may be seen on some level as a failure of the avoidance system.

In both depression and PTSD, doctors already sometimes treat patients with medicine to increase dopamine and there are now clinical trials testing use of endocannabinoid drugs to treat these conditions. Dr. Cheer suggests that this approach may need to be used more often, and should certainly be studied in more detail.

“Using optogenetics to understand the brain is quite revolutionary,” said E. Albert Reece, MD, PhD, MBA, Executive Vice President for Medical Affairs at UM Baltimore, and the John Z. and Akiko K. Bowers Distinguished Professor and Dean, University of Maryland School of Medicine. “This research holds the potential to elucidate questions that we have long wanted to answer about human behavior and human mood disorders. It is not only fascinating on a scientific level, it has potentially powerful clinical implications.”