— Warlock, probably

@meowl00 @personification-of-anxiety @gayvetforlife

Warlock becomes a stand up comedian when he grows up. He becomes the John Mulaney of his time. This is his equivalent of “one black coffee”.

I can totally envision Warlock’s version of the duck story!

One day when I was ten, the gardener comes into the house soaking wet and says, in that voice one usually reserves for toddlers or small animals, “Ah! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet! And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!” And then Nanny yelled, “Ooh, ducklings!” To which the gardener replied, “Too old to be a duckling. Quack, quack.” And then walked into the kitchen. I think about that every goddamn day.

I can’t believe I never saw this until now. Headcanon accepted. This is beyond hilarious. Also….

I can’t believe this one was hidden in the replies.

“I love my family, or at the very least people would assume so. People would think that growing up as a politician’s son would be easy, and they are right. I got everything that I ever asked for, spending money the only way Rick People could spend money.

“Dad! I want a Pony” Boom, Pony is at my feet

“Dad! I wanted it black” Boom. Done. Pony now looks like it crawled out of the Black Lagoon.

“Dad! The Pony glared at me!” I get a bottle of glue the next day. I was living the Rickie Rich lifestyle. I can have anything I want.

But the best part of growing up rich, the absolute best part, was that we were able to afford our own nanny.

I love her so much but am goddamn terrified of her to this day. I am a 28 year old man and I live in my own bodyweight of fear towards her.

When I was 1 to when I was 11, we had a nanny in our house. Her name is Nanny. If you call her anything else you will die. Somedays I think that my parents made a Rumpelstiltskin Deal with her before I was born, where instead of taking baby me she just moved in to our house to raid our fridge and judge the world from lofty windows. This is just the first part of the mystery of my nanny.  

She dresses like she is preparing to go to a funeral. And the difference between preparing to go and actually going is that they hadn’t found the body yet. You know when friends say that they would kill someone for you? Nanny would gut a cat if I wanted to play the violin that’s how hardcore she was. She wore red sunglasses because her glare alone could turn anyone to stone. If you squint hard enough you can actually see lasers coming out of her eyes.

Now you need to remember, I lived with this woman for Ten Years. Since I was a baby. This shit was normalized to me. While my parents were in West Wing I was living in the Addams Family. Nanny loved me and raised me and so what if she told me that I was going to lead Satan’s Army someday. That’s just Nanny. But throughout all of this, I never truly understand how terrifying she could be until I was 8 years old.

Picture this: a little 8 year old me, plump and trimmed with baby fat, standing next to Mary Poppin’s evil twin. One day we were going out for brunch so I can, and I’m quoting here “practice giving out orders when the army of hell arrives”

I’m still waiting for them, just to let you know.

So we get inside Nanny’s car, an old Black 1933 Bently which plays nothing but Queen music on cassettes.

I know this sounds fake, but she is a real person and not some Baba Yaga who decided not to eat me.

As we were about to leave, Brother Francis ran out to us. Francis was out gardener. He worked for us for as long as Nanny has, wears suspenders and a sun hat, and I’m pretty sure he ran away from a monastery. He walks up to Nanny and asks for a ride to the local gardening store for supplies. So he gets in the front seat, I’m in the back, and all three of us get on our way.

At 1000 miles per hour in a 55 zone.

Now I’m 8 years old. And no matter how cool your Nanny is, you just don’t pay attention to boring adult stuff like meetings, or finances, or traffic safety laws. So I’m lost in my own thoughts on how to direct my hell army to build myself a waterpark.

I don’t know how long I zoned out because when I snapped back in Nanny and Francis were arguing. Not in the pleasant passive aggressive way that makes you rethink your life choices, but full on yelling. So we are speeding down the road like death is chasing us. Bohemian Rhapsody is playing on blast. Nanny and Francis screaming at each other. Sulfur filled the air, radiant light pulsed menacing around us. Exactly how I imagined what parents fighting would be like. Things came to a head right as Freddy was about to hit his last “For Me!” because that was when this meek looking gardener snapped. Francis turns to Nanny and screams “YOU’RE DRIVING TOO FAST!” yanks the cassette out and pitches it out the window.

And then time stood still.

Have you ever been on a rollercoaster where at the top of the first hill staring down you regret every decision you’ve ever made that led you to this point? That was where we were all at.

Because there were three rules to Nanny’s Bently. Nanny always drives. Nanny always drives fast. And Nanny always drives fast with Freddy Mercury blaring down like her own personal angel.

This is all new uncharted territory for me. I’ve never seen anyone even dare disrespect her angel and plan to live to tell the tale. I was just watching in fascinated horror as this moment just searing into my mind.

Nanny’s looking directly at Francis, you can feel her eye’s heat laser’s charging up. I was trying to think of reasons to tell my parents why we don’t have a gardener anymore. Because even at 8 years old I know a death marker when I’ve seen one and by the end of the trip I was expecting Francis to be nothing but a smoldering piled of ash and a $15 hat.

She looks at him, and takes one hand off the wheel. Still barreling down the road like a madman mind you. But it alright because time’s frozen so we don’t hit anything. And with one hand, she reaches in front of him to the glove compartment, gently pulls out another cassette tape, and places it in the deck.

[pauses]

[sings] “FOR ME!!!!!”

We pull into the parking lot by the time Bohemian Rhapsody ends and I have never looked at Nanny the same way ever again. Because anyone who can play the exact same song on two different cassettes without missing a beat is their own god and needs to be feared.”

-Warlock in his comedy special

OH MY GOD I’M CACKLING

That’s it. The “Warlock grows up to be John Mulaney” AU is the only AU I’m here for.

I’m. In. Love.

Sign me up. Point me to where there is more and I will leave you kudos and comments and shower love on you forever.

a few days ago bf told me that a couple years ago when he played counterstrike he would respond to dudes getting angry and aggressive and hostile by saying “a kissaroo from me to you” in a slightly goofy friendly voice sort of like the voice you’d associate with a dog muppet.  he said they would absolutely lose their shit every time, insisting things like “i dont want a kissaroo from you!  only tall blonde girls!”.  they always said kissaroo.  i cant stop thinking about this

Good morning to only the person that tagged this as adhdammit

Spamton deltarune is a deeply complex character symbolic of the predatory ouroboros of capitalistic exploitation and that's why I want to put him in a Barbie jeep and make him drive around

[video description: a big orange cat sits inside a large metal pot on a kitchen counter looking around slightly confused and bewildered as two people off screen repeatedly point at him and say ‘little baby man’ over and over again overlapping with one another as they repeat the phrase /end description]

@is-the-cat-video-cute

Rating: Cute

This cat appears to be curious rather than stressed. The cat is probably in the pot for the same reason cats like being in boxes.

Rating: Not Cute

You’re laughing. That cat is being shot by finger guns and you’re laughing.

nobody:

marc spector:

this misha collins debacle is reminding me of this guy i met at a writing camp i went to as a teen and he told all of us that he was gay except on the very last day he told us that he was straight and had a girlfriend and showed us pictures of them together. when we asked him why he did this he just said "i don't know" and did not elaborate any further. it haunts me

Regardless of where you stand on the "did Jonathan Harker eat hell spicy paprika or sweet paprika" debate, I'd like to enter into discussion the fact that he did eat the whole meal, deal with the nightmares, and then eat that shit again the next morning, so regardless of his relative state of spice tolerance, at absolute minimum he was not a little bitch about it.

JJ Abrams showing naked disdain for Star Trek, and openly stating he really was only doing them in the hopes of getting to make Star Wars one day, only to get his chance to make Star Wars & making it even worse, so bad he killed off Disney's scheme to release a new Star War every year into eternity...truly iconic

#I want to hunt him for sport for what he did to Star Trek#but I'd give him two hours headstart for fucking with Disney's money

The way there were 6 microbloggers at my Halloween party last year. Six. Have u ever had six microbloggers in a room together

i"ve never been in a room

the field @corporateaccount blogs from

so now we're just doxxing people on here?

I think one of my favorite internet/sports arcs is still when Lil B placed curses on several Basketball Players that actually worked and resulted in entire season losses which prompted ESPN bringing him in as a part time “Is X-Player Cursed” analyst, resulting in eternal fits like this.

Where would we be without baby name sites

Imagine if your surname was one of those that are also a first name.

Rusty John

Turbo Charles

Wet Paul

Kinda fucked up and nasty how vampires drink blood, imo. Like. Pepsi costs a dollar seventy five

Hospital

Not me I’m paying a dollar seventy five. At the hospital

I feel like we’re getting off topic

So is pepsi if you steal it?

Because it’s only a dollar seventy five

Why in God's name would a vampire drink pepsi

Why would anyone drink Pepsi?

Huh?

That’s why I’m not a fan of the sexy vampire trope.

1. It’s overused and supports the current status quote of typical vampire supremacy:worshiping rich folk.

2. Vampires prey upon humans and therefore symbolize capitalists preying on the working class.

3. Werewolves are much sexier imo.

am I having a stroke????

you might want to go to the hospital then

I hear the Pepsi is cheaper there

Enter DAISY GRIME, a CLOWN, accompanied by FOOLS, HARLEQUINS, and JESTERS.

GRIME I say ‘tis dirty, wicked, foul, and dark -- An opportunity both miss’d and scorn’d -- That vampires of any shape or shade Would drink the blood of innocence most pure When Pepsi costs a dollar sev’nty five.

FIRST FOOL O lady, I must ask, and tell the truth: Wherever in this God’s green holy land Canst thou obtain this drink for such a fee? I’ve seen no less than fifty-five pence more.

GRIME A hospital, good sir.

SECOND FOOL (Does some figures)                                And might I ask Wherever in this land (of any hue) Is fellow who two dollar thirty pence Dost pay for si of Pep?

GRIME                                    Not I, i’faith. I pay a mere two shillings short of two. And, once again, I pay in hospital.

CANADIAN JESTER I pay a hefty two and half for mine. But in my blood runs maple syrup, too.

GRIME O Jester fine, I pray thee, still thyself. Thou stray’st from this, our mode of speaking here.

FIRST FOOL But blood costs naught but time.

SECOND JESTER                                                 Aye, that is true; But sir, remember this in figuring: A Pepsi, too, is free, if stolen ‘tis.

FIRST FOOL I see, but -- wait, another thought occurs. Wherefore, I ask thee, for what reason, sirs, Dost Lady Grime buy Pepsi from the house Of healing, birth, and death?

GRIME                                             ‘Tis simple, friend. Allow me to explain to thee the cause. The Pepsi sold by those who follow in The footsteps of St. Luke, Evangelist Is sold for a mere dollar sev’nty five.

FIRST HARLEQUIN (Aside, to SECOND HARLEQUIN) Why wouldst a vampire drink Pepsi, then?

SECOND HARLEQUIN (Aside, to FIRST HARLEQUIN) Why wouldst an honest man drink Pepsi, sir?

FIRST FOOL A femboy, it would seem.

(There is general applause and agreement.)

GRIME                                    O fool, a what?

Enter KONAHRIKS De’ACTIVAT EDZOZ ESQ., a SCHOLAR and WARD OF THE SKY.

WARD You see, my friends, this selfsame story tells The truth of why the incubus’s tale Is one that bears to no more to be declared. I’ll tell you all my reasons three. The first: The wealthy ghoul who drinks the common blood Is overused and stale, like molding bread; But also hangs upon the teller’s face A pallid, gasping idol worship mask. The second mark I tally here along: A vampire who sucks the blood from men Does hold up in the mind a mirror cold. This mirror shows that, far from fantasy, The vampire is real, ‘tis Elon Musk. The reason third is simple, clean, and pure: A werewolf’s just, like, sexier, my dudes.

(GRIME dances like a ferret. There is rejoicing.)

Exeunt.

Enter LARA, FELAGUND, and SHERLOCK, accompanied by the MANGO MERCHANT.

LARA I feel these words have struck me to my core. Is this, the world, collapsing to the ground Or is it just my weary, shaking soul?

FELAGUND ‘Twould seem my lady needs to see St. Luke.

SHERLOCK I’ve heard his fellows sell a Pepsi cheap.

(The MANGO MERCHANT offers a mango. All weep.)

Exeunt.

Alright that’s it, we’ve got the Shakespearan translation too, this post is complete now.

welcome to tumblr dot com

I love this fucking hellsite

what

rayne what’s homestuck about?