ReeDeeDeit

I feel like Con O'Neill is so ready to play a much more slutty Izzy and frankly I'm ready for it, too.

Last night my brain saw fit to throw me a fic prompt via dreams.

A canon era AU where the rift between Ed and Izzy reaches a fever pitch before Stede leaves Barbados. Maybe Ed's just really done being Blackbeard and knows he can't move on with Izzy at his heels, expecting things he can't give. Or maybe Izzy tires of Ed's disinterest and flagrant risk taking.

Whatever the circumstances, Izzy leaves the Queen Anne's Revenge in Barbados without much of a plan. He's about to break one of his cardinal rules by getting absolutely pissed beyond reason at a shit pub when he hears about some rich ponce who's setting sail on a brand new ship. Even though he's deep in his cups, an idea starts to form. One that would allow Izzy his own command within a matter of months, almost guaranteed.

Izzy spends some time doing recon because he's nothing if not thorough. He sees the man, an uptight rich twat type if he does say so himself, with endless resources and zero know-how. The thought of having to call the man Captain, even for a short while, makes him green about the gills but needs must.

The ship, at least, is new and beautiful and Izzy figures it wouldn't take long until he can call her his own.

First, he needs to get hired so he puts on his best genial expression and makes his introduction. Whatever he was expecting, the guy is even worse. He is a rich ponce, and a twat, but worst of all he's fucking cheery. He's also, inconveniently, maybe just a little good looking. He's not Izzy's type, of course not, but his eye is immediately drawn to a very well fitted waistcoat embracing what looks to be a lovely chest indeed. And well, it's been a while and Izzy's not fucking dead, okay? He can ogle someone here and there, he's a fucking pirate for fucks sake.

Anyway, it takes nothing more than an introduction for Stede Bonnet to hire him and he's first mate again by his first afternoon.

Stede's inexperience and attitude grate something fierce at Izzy's patience, and he snaps at him twice in as many days so he isn't surprised when he's asked to the Captain's quarters. He's expecting a flogging, or perhaps an old fashioned beating, but instead he finds himself presented with a cup of tea, in a fine china cup and saucer no less, while Stede attempts to talk it through. Izzy makes a mental pact with himself to be on his best fucking behavior. The sooner Stede lets down his guard, the sooner Izzy can strike.

He hates the bastard a bit, and he can't help but remind him of that sometimes, but he's also got some balls on him Izzy has to admit. And the tea is always, begrudgingly, fantastic.

With time, Stede starts asking Izzy to teach him the ropes and Izzy finally gives in, if for no other reason than it ups their general chance of surviving long enough for him to stage a mutiny.

Stede, though, is ever a surprise. He's strong for someone who has led a life of luxury, and he does have a passion for the work, though he's still fucking squeamish which drives Izzy fucking mad.

Before Izzy knows it, they've been at it a few months and Stede's getting competent. They're even starting to work well together, not that he'd admit it on pain of fucking death. Sometimes, he even has a drink with Stede, who insists that Izzy call him Stede when they're not on deck instead of Captain or boss, in the evening. It's nice and Izzy hasn't thought of mutiny in any real way in days.

It bothers him, but he's distracted enough with a green crew and a green Captain that he doesn't even realize he's started to enjoy himself until he spots an awfully familiar black dot in the distance.

Fuck.

Before long, the Queen Anne's Revenge is running up on The Revenge and Blackbeard himself is boarding, all skintight leather and cocky swagger (fuck, he's gorgeous), and Stede, who should be shaking in his ridiculous heels, instead looks at Blackbeard, at Ed, with hearts in his eyes as if he'd hung the stars himself. Izzy can relate but this development makes something strange and hot churn in his belly and he doesn't like that shit one bit.

It turns out that Ed had heard tell of a Gentleman Pirate and was intrigued, of course he was, but was quite surprised to find out that the gentleman's first mate was someone familiar.

Queue Ed and Stede being weird and romantic, and falling in love while Izzy loses his mind watching his first love and his new something become a thing.

Queue Ed and Stede bonding over shared interests, one of which happens to be their first mate and how they might just be a little smitten with him.

someone sends Izzy a black spot

It's a joke, you see. Just a harmless joke, started by the crew after one too many tirades from Izzy about mis-tied knots or wasting the last of the lime juice on cocktails, something like that. Whatever it is, whatever it is that starts the chain of events, it's just a joke.

Izzy was never good with jokes.

someone sends Izzy a black spot. He finds it pinned to his cabin door one morning after finishing up on the watch, aiming to catch a couple of hours of shut-eye before returning to duty.

He doesn't sleep a wink. Not then, not for the next three nights.

Izzy knows what the spot means. He's not a superstitious man, but this isn't superstition. He's sailed long enough to know what this means, what it does to a man, a crew, a ship. This is warning. This is a threat. This is a death sentence.

It's only a joke. Izzy doesn't do jokes.

The second black spot, he finds in the same place. This time, there are a few words as well. It should help narrow things down, but Izzy's beyond reasonable thought. He stares at the spot, the words secondary yet no less scathing.

You know what you've done. You know what you deserve.

Very funny indeed.

Izzy doesn't sleep. Doesn't eat. He catches the looks from the crew, the amusement written clear on their faces. He doesn't catch the captains looking at him at all. He gets worse, knows he's worse, all anger and rage and anything else to smother the fear that wraps around his heart.

He doesn't tell Edward. Can't bear it. It's his own fault, of course, nothing his captain can do.

The third spot, he finds under his pillow. The parchment is stark against his sheets.

There's no sign anyone else has been inside his cabin. In the darkness, fist clenching the parchment circle, he empties his empty stomach onto the floorboards.

He doesn't sleep that night, either.

In the early hours of the morning, before the sun has risen, and he knows the new watch won't bother to attend their station for another hour, he slips from his cabin and heads up on deck.

It's only a joke. A harmless prank. The black spot burns a hole in his breast pocket.

The view from the stern is beautiful. The waves split by the smooth and steady course of the ship, the white curl of the wake. It calls to him. Invites him in.

It's time he heeded the call.

So he does. It's better this way.

What a joke.

Even Death doesn't want him. Maybe Death's the one with the sense of humour. Makes up for his lack of heart.

One minute it's the blue (not black) darkness swallowing Izzy whole, and the next, he's spluttering up water onto the sopping wet deck that's well in need of swabbing it won't get.

Boots and bare feet surround him. He waits for them to finish the job he failed himself. He stays where he landed, splayed out on the deck like the dead fish he hoped to be.

Joke's over. No one's laughing anymore.

Ed's angry. So fucking angry. His eyes are ablaze, just like in the stories they built for him, together. His voice is hoarse, rough and ragged as he lays into Izzy. Izzy looks down at the deck, buckling under the weight of Ed's words.

Ed's bare feet are wet. The steady drip of seawater onto the deck, spilling from Ed's soaked hair, is silent beneath the barrage falling from Ed's lips.

Well. That explains that, then.

He tunes it all out, except for the part where Ed's voice cracks like a thunder clap. "How the fuck could you?"

Really easily, he thinks. So fucking easy. It's easy when you know you aren't wanted.

Izzy reaches into his breast pocket, finds what he's looking for in the soaked fabric. He holds it out to Ed, but won't meet those flames he calls eyes.

The yelling stops, just for a moment. Izzy's hand is empty. Everything's empty, even the air.

Silence from Ed is almost as dangerous as his raised voice, Izzy knows. Both contain his anger, when his anger can be contained.

"Who did this?"

The silence crackles in the air like lightning.

"I said who the fuck did this?"

Someone finds their tongue. "It was just a joke. It was just supposed to be a joke."

Izzy doesn't look up. He knows the voice. He hates the voice. He doesn't blame the voice in the slightest.

"Do I look like I'm fucking laughing?"

"It wasn't - he wasn't..."

But Ed's laughing now. "He wasn't supposed to take it seriously? Wasn't supposed to try and kill himself before you got to it?" Another laugh, hollow and haunted. "I should have you all fucking flogged. Keelhauled. Hanged."

A soft, pasty hand reaches out toward Ed's shaking shoulders. "Now Ed, I-"

Ed whips around, sharp like a snake, and hisses, "I said all."

God I fucking hope Con gets a writing credit for season 2. Let this man write the most insane and sad Izzy ep ever that makes everyone immediately feel so bad for hating him during season 1. I want full high drama fantasy. No funny just sad and con's tits

yes i have an entire ofmd coffee shop au planned out but the most hilarious thing about it is probably the thought of stede selling all these extravagant sugary drinks in his coffee shop and izzy just trying to p l e a s e get a black coffee PLEASE JUST BLACK COFFEE NO NO EXTRA SYRUP NO JUST COFFEE BLACK COFFEE P L E A S E

in the end he somehow manages to get a black coffee, or at least something close to it, and stede hands him a cup that says, in large, neat calligraphy:

Thinking about Izzy punching Sam in the face upon seeing him alive for the first time in twenty years and how (aside from Sam having been going in for a hug before realizing Izzy was only pulling back one arm, aside from this possibly being the moment Sam falls in love with Izzy after having been waiting on the precipice of it since he last saw him) at the very least Ed and Stede witness the whole thing.

Stede likely makes some half-hearted move to intervene, but Ed puts his arm out to stop him. “Nah, mate. Best to just let it happen.”

“But what is happening?”

“How best to explain…? Remember when you fucked off, faked your death, and then came back?”

Stede winces. “Of course…”

But Ed doesn’t seem upset, throws his arm around Stede’s shoulders and leans against him casually. “Well, Stede, young Sam here”–He gestures to Sam, who is clearly around the same age as the rest of them and currently flat on his back, cradling his jaw in one hand, and grinning dazedly up as Izzy curses a blue streak back down at him–”fucked off and faked his death about twenty years ago, and has just now come back.”

“Oh dear.”

Ed tilts his head to the side as he watches Izzy kick Sam in the kidney. “Sorta funny that it happened twice, really.”

I made a chart but I don’t fully understand it.

Art by Ungfio

I think part of the reason I like Izzy/Jack as a ship is that it cleverly avoids the “character is fixed by a romantic relationship” trope by putting him with someone who is worse.

girls’ night! girls’ night!!

+ bonus

less likely but funnier version: what if ed made izzy paint his nails?

,,,, gayest shit ive seen this bitch do and i saw him kiss another man

I could make so many of these 😭😭

Love how throughout S1, Ed is flirting sexually and Stede is flirting romantically and neither of them Gets It, because Ed thinks he’s unlovable and Stede thinks he’s undesirable. When you realize their infatuations run in parallel lines, you understand how sudden the collision must have been and why the impact made them stagger the way they did.

[ID: 1. Modern Stede and Ed stand in a Lush store by a bath bomb display. Ed, dressed in a leather jacket and jeans, lurches back in surprise, cheeks red, as Stede comes up to him wearing a black Lush apron. Smiling politely, Stede says, "Oh, hello! Can I help you find anything?" A little heart pulses out from Ed's chest. 2. Later, Ed sits on a black leather couch next to Izzy against a wall covered in knick-knacks. Izzy, wearing a black tee shirt and jeans, leans back with his arms crossed, glaring into the distance. "So that's why you spent $240 on fookin soap?" Ed, wearing a graphic biker shirt, jeans, and knee brace with his bad knee propped up on an ottoman, is smiling down at a sparkly purple soap in his hands with shiny eyes and red cheeks. A paper bag full of more soaps and sundries sits beside his foot. He replies distractedly "Stede said this one was his favorite," with a heart. /end ID]

For the July #AsACrew Challenge Day 21: Yummy Soap

Steddyhand modern AU where they oops themselves into a throuple.

Ed and Izzy are roommates who run a business together. They are kind of an on-again-off-again, open-ish polyam sorta-couple that has never once had even a second of healthy communication about their relationship in the twenty years they’ve known each other. 

Izzy meets Stede first because he actually attends the meetings for the local business owners association or whatever. Technically Stede should be competition but Izzy quickly decides he is an idiot and will probably go under soon. He’s weird as hell though, Ed would love that. 

Ed does love that. He is delighted by the crazy shit he hears about the new guy and wants to meet him. The two hit it off because of course they do. That wouldn’t even bother Izzy all that much except between their flirting and their dumb dates, Ed and Stede want to talk about cooperative business ventures. And the business, that’s Ed and Izzy’s thing. They’ve worked hard to build it, together, and Izzy works hard still to protect it. he doesnt want to risk it on some crazy scheme these two come up with just because Ed is bored. So yeah he hates Bonnet, but its not romantic jealousy (or is it?)

The tension between Stede and Izzy comes to a head one evening when they are both drunk and still seething over an argument they had earlier in the day. Drinking turns to shouting. Shouting turns to shoving. Only a couple punches are thrown but there;s a lot of undignified scuffling around on the floor. 

Izzy isn’t really sure later when wanting to rip Stede’s head off had turned into yanking that golden hair to pull him closer. Or who hungrily took whose lips first. He remembers a soft handkerchief cleaning his bloody nose on the short trip to the bedroom, remembers checking Stede’s split lip to assess if it could withstand further kissing. He doesnt remember how Edward inserted himself into the situation, but he does recall the man giggling as they tried to arrange the three of them on the bed and he nearly fell off the mattress. 

He remembers everything after that too. Every touch, every kiss, every gasp and moan and sigh. The shock of twenty fingertips softly exploring him was a sensation burned into his brain forever now. He remembered it all. And he didn’t regret a second of it, even if it would be easier to. 

No one says anything about it because thats just how Ed and Izzy are (emotionally uncompetent) and Stede like just came out two months ago. He hasn’t dated since university and he’s certainly never had a threesome. He is completely unequipped to handle all this.

So things mostly go on as normal. But Stede is a sweetheart, and a gentleman, and he also cannot stop thinking about how enjoyable that night was. It seems rude to not express that, but one doesn’t just say “thanks for that phenomenal sex”, do they? 

But he spots a gift he thinks Izzy might like and gives it to him. A short while later he notices the bag Izzy carries is nearly falling apart and replaces it with a nice satchel. Black leather, very cool, very much Izzy’s aesthetic, very much designer label and expensive as hell. 

Stede has to cancel a date one night, but orders an absolutely ludicrous amount of takeout delivered to their place anyway. A lot of it is Izzy’s favorites. 

Then there’s the concert tickets. He and Ed had given up hope of affording even nosebleed seats as soon as the tour had been announced, but Stede gets VIP, backstage passes, the works for all of them. Stede doesnt even like the band!

Izzy can’t take it anymore and has to ask Stede what the fuck. Why the gifts and the gestures and all this stuff? Is it just to butter Izzy up so he’ll agree to whatever dumb business idea the other two have? 

“I didn’t think I needed a reason to do nice things for my boyfriend!”

“…boyfriend?” Izzy asks, just utterly shocked. He’s echoed by Ed who sounds less surprised and more considering. 

“Um. Yes?” Stede, to his credit, does immediately read the room and start to realize he may have misstepped. 

Izzy can’t even speak. 

“Are you.. is it wrong to call you that? I just thought.. i mean, after that night..” Stede blushes fiercely. “I call Ed my boyfriend, after all, and its not like i care about you any less than him…”

Stede trails off with both men staring at him. 

Finally Ed chuckles. Izzy turns to scowl at him. 

“What? Don’t look at me, mate. I thought you two already had a totally different arrangement sorted out. I didn’t say anything about it because I figured you’d be embarrassed about having a sugar daddy.”

This man is a treasure

oh dear