Resurfacing here to announce that I've made my most popular viral tweet into handsome stickers and patches, which are available for sale in my Etsy shop:
If you've used and enjoyed this joke template, consider sharing with your friends!
When I write one really good line
reincarnatedempress
@shippers-roost Me sending you bits of my fanfics
💜 💜💜💜
"I'm sorry for the rant" ok but have you considered that I liked your rant?
If I ever respond to you w just a heart emoji it's not meant to be dismissive. I'm bumping my shoulder against yours bc I like you. I am blinking slowly at you like a cat.
❣️SHIPS FEST 2022❣️ 🔺TOP 7🔺#4 (shared) Claire/Kaia 🔻OTP: if you go i’ll go with you🔻
*squints at the characters i hyperfixate and subsequently project on*
same thing bitch, just different shapes
It can't be Quest. They said that was just a myth. But you could check it out, just to be sure...
Can I finally be free? 👀
Title: I'd Do Anything For Love
Pairing: Claire Novak/Kaia Nieves
Rating: Teen and Up Audiences
Additional Tags: Wayward Sisters, Post-Canon, Crack and Angst
Summary: After neutralizing a witch who was selling love potions to her victims, Alex and Patience start acting a bit strange towards Kaia.
Excerpt:
"Look what you did!”
“Don’t look at me, it was her…!”
“Ew, I got some in my hair!”
“What happened?” asked Kaia.
The three of them looked up at her, like deer in the headlights or schoolgirls who had just been caught misbehaving by the teacher.
Claire was the first one to react.
“It was her!” she said, pointing at Alex.
“No, it wasn’t!” she protested as her cheeks turned red. “Don’t make me look like an idiot in front of Kaia!”
Written for @shippers-roost who's celebrating his birthday... eh, sometimes this month.
It was perfect ❤️
Fact: If u strike a capybara it will break into a cluster of guinea pigs
Another fact: if you strike a capybara I will personally hunt you for sport
i just discovered this wilkinson sword ad, and it is basically #myaesthetic 😘
I’m too bi for this ad
bi-swordsual
are…are they gonna bone down on that glass covered bed?
Honestly I’m glad I wasn’t the only one concerned about the glass.
Swordplay is foreplay
…Swords have ads?????
is this ad selling… bisexuality? swords? underpants? Don’t tell me, I want to believe it’s all of the above.
don’t know what it’s selling. but this is how I wish my significant other to greet me.
This is Addams Family levels of extra
it’s been nearly two years and i still want to know if they’re gonna bone down on the glass covered bed.
tap dat glass
I just looked it up, and they’re a razor/blade manufacturer. They make sharp grooming supplies. Presumably, they pride themselves if making blades that easily remove exactly what you want to, and no more, resulting in you being very pretty.
It’s a very clever ad, if you have any idea who they are in the first place.
Neurotypicals headcanoning robots as autistic is wrong and bad because they’re saying autistic people are robots but when autistic people do it it’s epic and sexy because we’re saying robots are autistic. There’s a difference
For those wondering:
“I’m going to take three slices now because it might run out later when I want some”
Versus
“I’m going to take one slice now so it doesn’t run out before everyone else gets a slice”
literally obsessed with the way that online friendships vary from fond strangers to good friends to siblings to could probably be in love if there weren't an ocean and god knows how many timezones between us
Witch: Ah, so you've come to me.
Maiden: Yes. I need your help.
Witch: Unwanted baby?
Maiden: No?
Witch: Want someone dead?
Maiden: What? Of course not.
Witch: That's all I know how to do. What do you need?
Maiden: I'm starting to see why you were shunned from the village.
Witch: Yes, I've killed a lot of people. What do you need?
Maiden: There's a pox in the village.
Witch: It wasn't me this time.
Maiden: I know. Can you fix it or not?
Witch: No. I'm not licensed for that.
Maiden: What do you mean you're not licensed for that?
Witch: I got kicked out of the herbalist's coven.
Maiden: For killing people?
Witch: For killing people.
Maiden: Great, now what do I do? There isn't another witch for at least three towns over.
Witch: And he's an enchanter blacksmith type. Makes protective amulets and beefs up swords. Makes really good horseshoes. Can't fix poxes. Makes a mean rabbit stew though. And...
Maiden: And is very good at sex and hard to kill, yes everyone knows that. You tell us repeatedly. Even though we kicked you out.
Witch: It's important. How are you not dead yet, by the way? You're an adult and you haven't bought anything yet so you should be dead by now.
Maiden: I'm not into people that way. Your weird sex based spells don't work on me. That's why I'm the one that came.
Witch: I would branch out but I'm barred from taking more classes at the guild. Because of the murder.
Maiden: Right, well I'm gonna go before you poison me.
Witch: What about the pox?
Maiden: I do have a mild form of it so you've been exposed too. Someone of your age is much more likely to die from it.
Witch: What?
Maiden: I'd suggest you find an accredited friend that hasn't been convicted of unnecessary murder.
Maiden: I have come a long way to find you.
Enchanter: One second. (throws a sword over his shoulder where it crashes into several metal tools and starts glowing)
Enchanter: Okay, what do you need?
Maiden: There's a pox in my town.
Enchanter: (pulls an amulet out of his pocket and holds it over her head)
Enchanter: You don't seem to have it, but it's touched you.
Maiden: I got better. Can you help?
Enchanter: I enchant swords. Why are you visiting me?
Maiden: Because the only witch in our town is...
Enchanter: Wait, don't tell me. Are you from Ravenfalls?
Maiden: Yeah.
Enchanter: Tabatha. Of course. That quack.
Maiden: She only kills people and does abortions.
Enchanter: Oh no she doesn't do abortions. She just drowns babies. I don't even think she knows what a fetus is.
Maiden: Oh.
Enchanter: Yeah. Terrible cook too. Normally herbalists are pretty good at cooking but she's just...
Maiden: The worst. I know. Do you at least know who can help? All of our elders and babies are dropping off like flies. People are strapping chickens to their arms. It's a mess.
Enchanter: (clicks tongue a few times) The nearest guy that specializes in pox is in the mountains. Not the coast range but the big angry looking pointy ones to the east. What were those called again?
Maiden: The Death Mountains?
Enchanter: Yeah, those. Unfortunate name, really. They're almost tolerable in the spring and summer. Don't know why they live there though.
Maiden: Can you teleport me there?
Enchanter: Why do people always ask that? Look I don't know what you've been hearing from Tabatha or traveling merchants but that's not safe for living creatures.
Maiden: Then what do I do? By the time I get back half the population will either be dead or still have birds strapped to their arms.
Enchanter: I hate to suggest this but you could like... with a shapeshifting dragon? And then ask for a wish?
Maiden: I'm not into people or dragons that way.
Enchanter: Then I guess I'll see if I can do something for your horse's shoes but that won't be nearly as fast.
Maiden: I have...
Herbalist: Come a very long way to see me. I know.
Maiden: How did you...
Herbalist: Everyone says that. Come sit. Do you like tea?
Maiden: I don't have time for tea. My village has a pox.
Herbalist: Which pox?
Maiden: It's mostly affecting older people and it's... purple.
Herbalist: Oh. What shade of purple?
Maiden: Very bright.
Herbalist: Oh, that's not a pox. That's a curse. Or a curse mixed with a usually just annoying pox. Someone in your area has probably pissed someone off.
Maiden: I'm from Ravenfalls.
Herbalist: In that case I think we can both guess who brought forth someone's ire. Who created it though, still remains a mystery. In any case, you can buy this bag of weeds and instruct people to boil them in small batches and inhale the steam. It won't cure anything, but it will most likely help people breathe better, which may help them survive long enough to fight it off.
Maiden: What do I do about Tabatha and the people strapping chickens to their arms?
Herbalist: My dear, some things can't be fixed completely. Plant this all over your town though and Tabatha will most likely avoid you. You can have these for free.
Maiden: I'm not going to bring some magic plant into town unless I know what it is.
Herbalist: Oh, it's not very magic. It's a cedar tree I've enchanted to grow very quickly. She's deathly allergic to cedar wood and pollen.
Maiden: Oh.
Herbalist: I really can't do anything for the chickens though. People will do strange things when they're desperate.
Maiden: Will I ever know who cursed us?
Herbalist: You may or may not. Wile you're here though, would you care to buy a love potion?
Maiden: I'm not into people that way.
Herbalist: You wouldn't fit in at the witches guild then. That's why most of us go in. It's a very good profession for swingers.
Maiden: That's why I went into city government. Well, thank you for all that.
Herbalist: And thank you for visiting. Tell the enchanter that I said hi and tell Tabatha to take a hike for me.
Maiden: I will. You have my word on that.
Enchanter: Hello.
Maiden: Enchanter? What are you doing here?
Enchanter: My name is John.
Maiden: It feels weird to call you that. You're the magic blacksmith I met on my quest.
Enchanter: I understand. So do you know who I'd talk to about renting a lot here?
Maiden: For what purpose? Oh, right. Me. Talk to me about it. I manage Lord Raven's lots and do logging and hunting permits and collect rent and whatnot
Enchanter: I want to set up my shop here. Business is better here for weapons and ever since she moved out, well...
Maiden: Was she after you?
Enchanter: She was under the impression that we were still married.
Maiden: Yes, she definitely was. Well, I think I can set you up. The village will benefit from having a reputable witch nearby. I'll get you in contact with a carpenter and scout out a spot for you.
Enchanter: Wait, I have something for you.
Maiden: An amulet?
Enchanter: For keeping away unwanted romantic advances.
Maiden: (covers her mouth and starts crying just a little bit)
Maiden: Sir, I can't...
Enchanter: You drove away a person that made my life a living hell for years. You saved your town. You drove out a murderer. You went into the Death Mountains in the middle of the winter. Take it.
Maiden: (takes it) John, did I ever tell you when we met that I desperately wanted to become friends with you?
Enchanter: No, but once I'm moved in I think we can give it a try.
Maiden: I'll get the paperwork and meet you at the tavern. Dinner's on me.
The aromantic fantasy story we've all been waiting for.
oh this is lovely
My absolute favorite thing about writing is the memes my readers send me about my books. Have a smattering of them from the latest episode I published to my Patreon:
(I publish my books to my Patreon before making them available on Amazon. If you want to read them and get some context for these memes, you can do so here!)
It’s not from the last episode, but this one might be my personal favorite
Im a bit drunk, its 3;00am. But Why does Bebe yoda give the uppy arms.. Why does mister mandalorian immediately pick him up .. why does no one involved with this production car e about my well being
happy father’s day