💜

Seeing Thīnshphœ IRL hits different fr. It’s like getting hit in the chest with a hammer. Absolutely horrifying and crazily motivating. Makes me wanna get sm worse.

I am not saying I’m down bad, but I do have more than 2k thïnshphœ pics saved on my phone so…

I have 2 sides

One of them wants to be skinny in a healthy, fit, lean and sporty way.

The other half wants to be skinny in a skin and bones, underweight, withering away kinda way, where I (almost) get hospitalized.

This is a constant civil war in me…

My rational self knows the first one should be the way to go. But my disordered self wants the second one too much to let it go.

My ED makes me lie so much. To my friends and family. When I am in my bingeing phase, I lie that I haven’t eaten yet, out of shame, and that I have no idea where the food, or my money went. When I am in my restricting phase, I lie that I already ate, I am not hungry, or that I’ll eat later.

It’s just so, so tiring. And it makes me feel horrible.

I don’t even do it on purpose at times. It just slips out by itself.

Am I the only one, who finds skipping meals, and just doing omad, waaay easier than more meals but with portion control?

Like once I started eating, the hunger hits me, and it’s sm harder to stop, than just not starting at all.

But really, I have to get better at portion control, it’s the bane of my existance.

I wish I was legally banned from fast food restaurants. And also the sweets aisle in stores. Would be better for everybody tbh. I should do something foul so they get a restraining order on me fr.

I am bad at 2 things:

Having an ED

And not having an ED

(My life summed up)

Me: That’s it!! I am not eating anything ever again!!

Also me a few hours later: *stuffing my fat face*

Shameful af

Coming back to Edblrr after a binge is like a walk of shame.