Discworld Fight Club FINAL MATCH

Before voting, please check out the Masterpost for the Rules!

Please reblog if you vote, to spread this around the fandom. Put the reasoning behind your vote in reblog text or tags if you'd like, and have fun!

You can also check the Masterpost for links to every poll, so you can see how this tournament has progressed and read some pretty fun and thoughtful commentary from the spectators here on tumblr!

Nanny would never beat her intentionally because Granny wouldn't survive the ego implosion and if Granny beat Nanny in a fair fight she'd similarly lose optics as the (unofficial) head witch. So obviously Granny has to win, they both know Granny has to win, but Nanny can't just go and let her win any old way either. She has to let her win in a way that's exactly ambiguous enough to be plausibly deniable, obvious enough to be a known fact and threatening enough to never be spoken out-loud of even thought about too hard after it happens.

They need to make it a drinking contest.

everyone has dreams about being lost at school, late to work, cant find bathroom etc but whats yalls most common Uncommon stress dream. ill always have dreams about having various problems with my fish tank

#a funny one i used to get in my teens was buying a burger and discovering it was just two buns with nothing else between them#i'm sure that betrays a deep burger insecurity within me

I had to reblog this with tags because I actually had that happen once. I was a kid, it was a happy meal. They'd managed everything except the actual burger.

When my dad took it back in they looked for the burger under the pickle.

Never gonna know them, but shoutout to the healthcare workers who are breaking the law to help their patients get life-saving care. I'll never see an article about you because knowing you would risk everything including jail time. Nurses who lie on medical records so their patients can get abortions. Doctors making up shit so their patients can have HRT.

Wherever you are, you are keeping your promise to help your patient.

My mom is dead so she can’t get in trouble for this.

Many years ago when she was still healthy enough to work, she was the manager at one of those select-your-own-tests labs. They didn’t take insurance, which meant they had no insurance department, which meant it was actually cheaper sometimes than even getting the same test elsewhere WITH insurance, so her clientele often came in with doctor’s orders, and it is about one such patient I’m about to tell you. He was four years old and had leukemia.

At 3am the day my mom did his labs, she got a stat call. “Stat call” means “drop everything, contact the doctor, these numbers are outside the acceptable range and urgency is required.” She woke me to drive her to the lab so she could try to get in touch with the doctor on the way and say “I live five minutes from the lab I want you on the phone as soon as I get those numbers from my email.”

The doctor did not pick up.

Standard protocol at this point is to wait 20 minutes and call again, repeat until you get an answer.

My mom was not allowed to interpret lab numbers. She didn’t have the official credentials. But she was a medical assistant and had self-taught a lot of medicine to make herself a better MA (call it unofficial continuing education), and she took one look at this little boy’s numbers, and she had to make a judgement call. That call ended up being “Mrs. X, this is Catie from [lab name]. I received a stat call for your son and can’t reach the doctor. I’m not legally allowed to interpret these numbers for you. But pick an ER, I will call them and send the numbers and have them waiting for you. Go NOW. Don’t wait. I cannot stress enough how urgent it is that you GO RIGHT NOW.”

Had she chosen law over life, that little boy would have been dead by morning.

Instead she risked years in prison and being stripped of her license to practice. She got cupcakes and a thank-you card instead. As far as I know, the boy went on to make a full recovery.

When I think of my mom, this is what I want her to be remembered for. Nobody could ever know while she was alive. I want everyone to know now.

(And if you’re a 14-year-old on this website in 2023, and this sounds eerily corroborative to a story your mom has told you, and you grew up in Arizona, hi. My mom would love to meet you if she was still alive. But in her absence, will you tell me how you’re doing? I’ll tell her the next time I get up to her grave. She’d like to know.)

you are in the recipe instruction's she's reading (parsley). i am in the actual ingredients she's using (cilantro). we are not the same

back at it again with the sea slugs

Trixie Mattel is right, getting to know your neighbors is the best inoculation against being annoyed by their noise. it only works up to a certain point, but for just regular footsteps or the occasional bass leaking through or a party once in a while, the anonymous Fucking Neighbors are people i will kill for doing their laundry at 10:14pm, but Steven and Ray who live upstairs and sometimes have to jog across their hardwood at 8:39am because they forgot to pick up their Clif bar before they put on their shoes for work are my good pals and i look forward to barricading the building together during the financial collapse.

Dungeons and Dragons, but your character must be a self insert, and class is determined by your current abilities Barbarian Must have a demonstrable temper, go off I guess  Bard Must be able to play an instrument Cleric Must be involved in a religious organization Druid Must have demonstrable knowledge of, or passion for nature  Fighter Must beat the DM in physical combat (hope your DM’s a wimp)  Monk Must practice a martial art  Paladin Must have a cause that one actively supports  Ranger Must be able to fire a kind of ranged weapon accurately  Rogue Must sneak up on the DM (Hard mode: steal their dice)  Sorcerer Must have a powerful family heirloom  Warlock Must work for a powerful entity (Corporations, The Government)  Wizard Must have a College Degree or a 3.0 GPA  If you can’t be any of these you start as a commoner, and may become one of these classes when you finally satisfy these conditions.

I love watching Star Trek plots and imagining how other star trek crews would deal with this week's negative space wedgie.

Like I watched the TNG episode where Beverly Crusher keeps witnessing the crew vanishing from existence and people's memory, until it's just her and Picard, and Picard insists that the enterprises has always only been crewed by himself and his doctor.

And I can't help but think Quark would have a simply awful time if his customers and the DP9 crew kept vanishing from history until it's just him and Odo. I need to see Odo tell Quark with an utterly straight face that Odo works a full time job to police Quark and only Quark alone on an entire space station - and Quark being unable to refute that as something Odo would plausably do.

Star trek

in the club fucking wheeking

i’m dj hamster times!! and if you want parties to be wheeking, have some noise!!!

I saw this before I'd really woken up, and experienced the following:

learning from the reblogs of that post that there's a lot of people out there under the impression that "kill your darlings" means "kill your characters" and that's the funniest possible interpretation of that phrase

since a couple people sent asks: it means you can't be precious about your own writing when the time comes to edit. sometimes you will write a really good scene, or a really good line, or a really good description. it will be your new favorite thing you've ever written. the kind of thing you want to post on tumblr attributed to "the book i haven't written yet" because it's just that good. but when the whole thing is done and you're reading it over, it just. it doesn't actually work. it stands out like a sore thumb. it fucks up the pacing, or maybe once you've really got a handle on characters you realize it's ooc. "kill your darlings" is about learning to delete those bits, even though they're really good, because they're making the work as a whole worse.

... but a lot of people i know don't actually delete them because it's 2023 and you can just cut and paste them into a different document titled "bits" until you write something where they'll fit. and sometimes it actually does fit in the work, but you tried to put it in the wrong place or in the mouth of the wrong character. but learning that you can put a lot of excellent paragraphs together to make a story that's worse than the sum of its parts is the important part.

--Night Watch, by Terry Pratchett

We get, rightfully imo, pretty sad and somber and naval-gazey about Discworld and Sir Terry on the 25th of May but I need everyone who might be discovering this series through this annual outpouring of love and sadness to know that these books are mostly just really fucking funny. Like, they're heart-wrenching and poignant but really they can only pull that off because they're also the funniest books ever written. There's a line near the end of Hogfather that, when I read it, made me feel more deeply connected to, like, the concept of humanity then I ever have before, but the book was only able to deliver that because the rest of it is about what if Santa Claus got kidnapped and a Big Skeleton had to take over his job? It's a patently ridiculous series but that is absolutely also where it's power comes from.

This meme is inescapable on French insta so I'm posting it here for all to enjoy

See how they rise up! Wishing you all Truth, Justice, Freedom, Reasonably Priced Love, and a Hard Boiled Egg.

[Alt text: 3p Discworld stamp commemorating the Glorious 25th of May. Includes lilac blooms and a figure atop a barricade waving a flag.]