you're lovely.

I had 3 stitches in my ear today and now my ear is swollen like a balloon

I’m not being racist but if you didnt want your ear to swell up you probably shouldn’t have gotten stitches.

how is that racist

they just said they weren’t being racist do you even listen

He got stitches for no reason, he obviously doesn’t think things through before he does them why are you surprised that he would ask that question

Mike Pence’s daughter is a vampire.

Jungle/tropical blog

Just finished crying

Crying again

Reblog this picture of me holding a Family Size box of Honey Nut Cheerios? I’d really appreciate it.

How can I say no to such a great photo and such a polite request?

i will always support this post

@mooserattler back on my dash!

Why isn’t this at a million notes, yet, Dante???

I’m not sure. Hey lovely people who have taken me over half way to a cool million! If you’d like to reblog again, I’d love that, if not, I still love you, and hope you’re having a great day. I’m gonna go do some stand up tonight.

he is more powerful than god

if you’re drawn to something, there’s no need to rationalize it. you like it and that’s all that matters.

“live fast, die young. bad girls do it well” I sing as I organize my sock drawer before going to bed at 9:30pm on a Friday night

i was on the train and 3 drunk girls saw me and said i had nice brown eyes so they sang “brown eyed girl” to me

I threw up at a frat party and I was crying in the bathroom and a drunk girl went upstairs to get me a shirt and came back with a sweater and a kitten.

At the last party I went to three drunk girls fishtail braided my hair by committee

a drunk girl drew an eye on the back of my hand and then patted it with satisfaction and  whispered “count olaf”

once at a barbecue a drunk girl gave the surgical scar on my shoulder a butterfly kiss and said “you’re cured”

A drunk girl at a bar I was at became worried that I wasn’t getting enough nutrition and proceeded to hold peanuts to my lips and just keep saying “peanut peanut” until I would eat it. And after I allowed her to feed me a peanut she pet my hair and said “Thank you”.

Drunk girls, saving your life one wtf at a time.

Girls are a fucking gift don’t let anyone tell you otherwise

when your parents make you eat food you dont like

Sarah Ockler (via hplyrikz)