~wife~

blink

I was driving home and passing through my favorite spot, rolling hills and green trees on one side, salt marsh and water on the other, and I thought to myself, hey, this is where I usually see an eagle. I wonder if the eagle is around. I stuck my head out the window and immediately heard a high pitched, birdlike screech. I pulled my head in quickly and imagined a scene; one in which the resident eagle mistook my head for some furry rodent and suddenly attacked. I pictured my scalp lacerated by the large talons and my car crashing into the stone pylons of the public boat access area. I pictured my wife identifying the body and mistaking the wounds in my head for bullet holes, and wondering who would do this. I rolled up my window and kept driving.

The fox came back and attacked our chickens again. We went out for dinner and thought, ah, we can put them in their coop later, we’ll be home before dark. And we were. But that didn’t stop the fox from claiming one of our last two big hens. Scarlet, the New Hampshire red, was lying dead on the lawn when we came home. The girls were sad. We couldn’t find Mavis, the leghorn, anywhere, and figured she was gone for good. She showed up this morning, unscathed.

I have a high butt cheek scrape. I don’t know how it happened, but I can’t stop scratching it, and it’s making it worse. Exercise chafes it, the wound opens up again, and it bleeds. The other night, it was itching so bad, the girls asked me what was wrong. I turned my butt to show them, and they completely lost it. They ran to tell their mother. She asked me what happened, and I showed her. She told me I was displaying like three inches of crack to my children. I apologized. I’ve never seen my father’s ass.

My boss asked if anyone wanted the newspapers that have accumulated in stacks around the office. I said I’d take them, I could use them to start fires in the fall. He said piles this size or bigger show up every week. I said that was fine, I go through a lot of paper in the cold months. He grabbed a bunch and threw them next to my desk. The pile is now about three feet high. He looked at me this morning with a devious look in his eye, dropped more newspapers next to my chair and told me I would regret this. It’s like some kind of weird game of chicken. Who will blink first, the dumper or the dumpee?

Today is my son’s birthday. It’s hard to explain in a few short sentences what his life has been like, what his daily existence means, the fact that he’s been here for six years now. Every day is a gift, every milestone is something to celebrate. His growth has been steady, sometimes slow, and easier to see from a distance. He’s getting smarter, bigger, stronger, his personality solidifying all the time. He will be going into first grade, which doesn’t seem possible, but first, he has to go to summer school. I told him to tell Mark Harmon hi for me. He didn’t get the joke, but he laughed anyway. Kid, you’ve come a long way.

This here is Australian Minister of Indigenous Affairs Mark Coffey standing with his wife, dressed in the attire he wore to a 4th of July party in the middle of Australia. Now, you could point out the ridiculousness of an Australian 4th of July celebration, but if that’s the first place your brain is going right now, you might be more than a little messed. But what is more disgusting is he won best dressed at the party. Oh well, maybe I’m not seeing the subtext here. Maybe it was a costume party and he came dressed as a dog whistle.

Black professor cited by police for being too nervous.

This should be ridiculous and unbelievable, but I too have been stopped by the police for appearing nervous.


Emerson College professor Jabari Asim was surprised to find the criminal citation for driving without a license in the mailbox of his Newton home last week. He had been at work all day June 22, he said, his wife had the car to run errands — and they had a receipt, a witness, and his phone’s GPS data to bolster the claims.

The police report says that at 6:15 p.m. on June 22 the officer was stopped at a red light at the intersection of Adams Street and Watertown Street when he saw a gray Nissan Quest drive by.

“My attention was drawn to the vehicle as the operator upon observing me immediately looked nervous and quickly turned his head forward and continued driving,” the report says.

(source)

First of all: He wasn’t even in the car and he has proof.

Second of all: Guilt is now implied if you look away from an officer, so I guess all of us should get ready to be locked up because I don’t know anybody who voluntarily looks cops in the eye as they walk past.

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So the hippie shoes actually don’t walk as well as I thought, and I remembered why I hate “thong” style shoes, so they’re being returned today. And I’ll wait until I find the perfect sandals for me. As I told my coworkers: “I just want the kind of sandals Jesus’s girlfriend would have worn.”

“Jesus had a girlfriend?”

“Well, like his wife.”

“Jesus had a wife?”

“Um, and kids. I am all about that conspiracy.”

EXO’s reaction to you struggling to put on your shoes b/c of your pregnant belly

Anonymous said: A GIF reaction when EXO sees their pregnant wife struggling to put on her shoes because of her huge tummy. Please & Thank you! ((:

Thank you for the cute request! <3

____________________________

Baekhyun: He would mainly laugh at you, but when you look like you’re getting annoyed, he comes over to you and puts your shoes on for you. He then smiles up to you. “You look cute, you know that right?”

Chanyeol: He would be talking to you from the other room when he comes out in the hallway where you are. When he sees you having problems, he stops talking immediately, and starts laughing instead. “Omg, Baobei do you need help?” and when you nod he waddles over to you and starts to help you.

Chen: “Chen, can you help me put my shoes on?” you would yell at him. He would get up from his chair, and come to help you. “There you go.”  he would kinda say to you, like you were a child.

D.O: When he notices you’re struggling he starts to giggle, and tries to stop because he feels that he’s being rude, but he can’t because you’re making so many weird noises.

Kai: “Can’t you like, sit down and like…. do it in another way?…” *kai is lazy*

Kris: “Kris, I’m struggling can you help me really quick? My belly is in the way!”

Kris: “Of course I can baby.”

Lay: He hears a bump from downstairs and thinks you have passed out or something. He quickly runs downstairs, but then finds you sitting on the floor, trying to get your shoes on. “Phew, I thought you were dying!”

Luhan: “Are you at that point in the pregnancy already? It’s going fast eh?” *Lu-ge is excited*

Sehun: “Sehun! Come here, I need you!” you shout at him.

“What!?” he just shouts back, not going to help you at all. (lolz)

Suho: “You want me to put on your shoes for you?……..” But he ends up doing it anyways, even though he doesn’t want to.

Tao: Wtf u aint my master, dont tell me what to do

Xiumin: He sees you failing to put your shoes on, so he sneaks up behind you and kisses your head. Then he bows down to put your shoes on for you.