~kruges

underrated Iconic™ six of crows/crooked kingdom moments
  • inej simultaneously choking tante heleen and stealing her priceless diamonds like a bamf
  • kaz’s ‘embarrassed teenage boy’ act in front of smeets (i was laughign so hard)
  • “pay someone to pay someone to pay someone to burn your kruge”
  • that time kaz and wylan chemically burned a hole in the ceiling and dropped into the middle of van eck’s dinner party
  • matthias grumbling “i. should. let. you. die.” while trying to restart kaz’s heart; nina giving kaz mouth-to-mouth resuscitation 
  • kaz staying conscious even though a prison guard shoved his bare fingers in his mouth (!!!)
  • Wyvil
  • inej breaking van eck’s nose SHE DID THAT
  • JESPER’S SHOT @ KUWEI!! MY HEART WAS IN MY THROAT WHY DOES NO ONE TALK ABOUT THIS 
  • kaz complaining nonstop bc alys van eck Wont ShuT UP
  • nina f-bombing @ matthias
  • child kaz f-bombing @ the man who wont let him see mr. hertzoon
  • “you’re too broke to buy waffles” 
  • llewelyn
  • KAZ’S IDIOTIC SMILE WHEN HE SEES INEJ JESPER AND WYLAN THUNDERING FROM THE ICE COURT IN A TANK DRAGGING THE ‘STRYMAKT FJERDAN’ BANNER HONESTLY DOES IT GET ANY BETTER
  • nina’s pregnant woman charade 
  • “i will turn your teeth inside out” “that’s physically impossible”
  • WYLAN’S DRUNK FJERDAN NATIONAL ANTHEM
  • wylan “im not a thief” van eck: offended @ “you think like a lockpick”; one (1) book later wylan has a scheming face and a “very passable imitation of kaz’s glare”
  • “if you ever cared about me at all, don’t follow.” Kaz Why Are You Like This Kaz
  • damage
things you should know about kaz brekker
  • his real name is kaz rietveld but he changed it to brekker when he saw this on a piece of machinery because he thought it sounds badass
  • he broke his leg but instead of letting it heal properly he was like “ah whatever” and then he got himself a cane with which he could probably smash skulls of his enemies
  • at 14 he had a crush on a girl named imogen but he would punch anyone who would dare to say that kaz brekker ever had Feelings™
  • he also had a brother, jordie, but he died
  • so kaz spent god knows how long plotting the Perfect Revenge and it was so good that the man who conned his brother didn’t even know what hit him, pekka was done did dead (not actually but y’know)
  • encourages rumors that he may be an actual demon (i mean im sure matthias wanted to exorcise the demjin at one point tbh)
  • probably started the rumor by disguising himself as someone else and telling people scary (and obviously made up) stories about THE kaz brekker because he’s Extra
  • he dresses in suits because he’s totally Not a thief, he’s a Businessman
  • he hates skin to skin contact which is why he always wears gloves
  • but he doesn’t mind taking them off around inej (or taking his shirt off and cleaning himself in front of her if we’re at this point)
  • he’s really good at maths (he probably threatened some poor soul into tutoring him but in a way that no one would know he actually needed tutoring because he’s THE kaz brekker and he was born smart)
  • practices magic so he can cheat even more
  • the boy would single-handedly break into fort knox
  • he would do literally anything for 30 million kruge (selling his soul included [he probably already did that tho])
  • i’m pretty sure kaz thinks he doesn’t need oxygen as long as he has the money
  • owns like 89 fancy hats
  • treats jesper like his brother and calls him “jes” because jesper’s father did that
  • says he only keeps wylan as a bait but at one point he adopts him even if he doesn’t know this
  • probably writes poems about inej’s laugh
  • goes batshit crazy after inej is injured, tortures and throws a guy who hurt her to the sea but then doesn’t speak to inej for 2 days
  • and when he finally does it’s to discuss money, Romantic™
  • man he loves inej so much but he suppresses the hell out of this
  • he’s obsessed with crows; he has a crow tattoo, he feeds crows, he knows everything about them, he probably talks to them like they’re his kids
  • he’s Not Bothered™ but then he says shit like “i’d crawl to you” or “she was lovely and brave and better than anything he deserved”
  • he’s a big softie for inej
  • honestly he acts like he doesn’t care but he would probably die for inej, nina and jesper
  • but also he’s an asshole and a control freak and he doesn’t even deny that
  • jesper probably shouts “you put cute in execute” whenever kaz kills someone
  • he never smiles
  • and he certainly Did Not Smile when he saw inej, wylan and jesper coming to his rescue in a freaking tank
  • (he did)

Why am I like this

even more underrated Iconic™ six of crows/crooked kingdom moments

part i // part ii

  • kaz: man with a knife, remember?
    jes: man with a gun!
    kaz: t(ಠ‿ಠ)t
  • the entire who-has-the-biggest-price-on-their-head competition. including, but not limited to: jesper’s disappointment at being worth ‘only’ 30,000 kruge. matthias’ disdain for kaz’s price of 100,000 kruge. kaz acting nonchalant about it all but you know he’s reveling in his spot as No. 1 Wanted Criminal
  • nina “beguiling” matthias; aka dancing around him and poking his chest
  • jes: ”sure, im skinny, but i stay drier in the rain.“
    matt: ”how?”
    jes: “less falls on me.”
    matt: why tf are all you people so weird
  • oYSTERS, MISS?? (made Iconic by the audiobook but still)
  • kaz just wants to run his hands through inej’s hair and get drunk on her laugh,,,,, boi u in so deep
  • strontium chloride
  • everything about colm ‘if I’m already aiding, i may as well abet’ fahey and his hat
  • when matthias, kuwei, and kaz, aka Ketterdam’s Most Wanted, walked into the church of barter under protection of ketterdam law for kuwei’s auction and literally the entire world went nuts bc they couldn’t do anything about it
  • when inej killed that poisonous lizard thingy in hellgate in the blink of an eye and matthias was like ‘yeah this one’s a demon too’
  • “I definitely did not tell them to blow up the lab”
  • wylan: my father is not evil
    wylan: *goes to saint hilde, sees what his father did to his mother, has an emotional breakdown in the middle of a road*
    wylan: my father is the satan devil incarnate
  • #ham4crows!! i still cant believe leigh used ‘outgunned and outmanned’ in crooked kingdom
  • ‘moose is probably your native tongue’
  • when kaz went after the black tips to get inej and spilled “enough blood to paint a barn red” #getbrekked
  • “you have crumbs on your cleavage”
    “don’t care" incredible.
  • inej’s brass knuckles get ’em girl
  • when kaz fought the dregs and he ripped two rusty nails out of an axe shaft and used them to gouge out a man’s throat #getbrekked #fightagangdownastaircase 
  • setting raisins on fire
  • nina; refusing to wake up: “the dead request five more minutes
  • WYLAN’S INTERROGATION (!!!) as if i didn’t need to hate Van Eck more. as if i didn’t need to have more feelings about wylan and the people that he loves. as if i didn’t need to be more concerned that the Plan was going to fall through the cracks yet again. as if i  d i d n ‘ t
  • ‘be still, little bumblebee’ is…… an actual song in the grishaverse.
  •  kaz,,,,,, c a m l y and p r e c i s e l y sliced up oomen’s face, rAMMED HIS FINGERS INTO HIS EYE SOCKET, RIPPED OUT his en t i r e eyeball from the root, and shoved a handkerchief wet with oomen’s own spit into the hole. without batting an eye. the ultimate #getbrekked.

a friendly reminder that no matter how many bad books we read there’ll always be soc a.k.a the true masterpiece of our time which is like a safe blanket for murder babies and you can throw it over your head and pretend you’re on your way to a big heist or smth equally dangerous (but exciting) :’) and while you’re dreaming of $$$kruge$$$ you might also wanna remember that soc has:

- a bi poc character who didn’t dance around the term hgtawm style and pull some lame explanation out of his ass ala ‘it’s complicated’ but he actually said ‘not just girls’ so yeah confirmed bi poc who’s a KNOWN flirt and everybody praises him for it instead of mocking/shunning him honestly what did we do to deserve jesper fahey
- a disabled gang leader who’s literally thE BADDEST BARREL BOSS TO EVER WALK THE STREETS OF KETTERDAM caw caw bitches (he also has severe ptsd, panic attacks, suffers from traumatic flashbacks and experiences nausea and all kinds of ptsd symptoms everytime he (even accidentally) touches someone but does that limit or stop him in any way?? HELL NO MOFOS here comes kaz brekker with his crow cane and he’s about to whoop some ass better beware)
- a beautiful, amazing, talented, showstopping, spectacular, never the same woc who is basically?? everyone’s treasure, heart, love, most cherished person ever, role model, etc. etc. and it’s only right tbh inej ghafa owns my entire heart and i’d gladly give it to her over and over again if that would make her smile. she’s been sold into slavery (mentions/hints of prostitution which only adds to her bravery and strength thank you very much) when she was 14 but she managed to leave the past behind her and remain INCREDIBLY kind and humble despite all the shit she’s been through?? there is no character i adore, respect and love more than inej (okay maybe there is and inej calls her sankta alina b y e)
- a CANONICALLY. FAT. FEMALE CHARACTER WHO’S JUST!!! AMAZING. BREATHTAKING. HEART-STOPPING (literally). a true inspiration to us all who was also held captive when she was younger, trained by the mighty (goddess on earth) zoya nazyalensky, held captive again - this time by a gross ass, fanatic ass fjerdan nazi soldier/leader and lemme tell you she didn’t even lose her appetite. BOI she wasn’t even fazed. she couldn’t find a single fuck to give & she was determined to move on but she was plagued by guilt so she came back to save/help the boy who helped HER so she’s not just a pretty face and she’s so?? badass and smart and funny and fierce and she’s so fucking PROUD of every roll and curve on her body i could actually cry?? nina zenik, an actual muse for young girls/readers. nina zenik, life & wife goals
- a smol (very smol but also kind of a sinnamon roll tbqh? he aspires to be one anyway) angelic boy who comes from a TERRIBLY abusive home bc his father is an actual piece of shit and humiliated him all his life bc wylan couldn’t read. well guess what joke’s on van eck senior bc my boy, my CANONICALLY GAY SON, is smarter than him and his entire sorry lot and he’s gonna take over the world one day, you just wait. also just wants to make things go boom boom POW (usually regarding explosives but also applies to jesper a.k.a THE MOST PERFECT, CARING, WONDERFUL BF EVER)
- a big yellow tulip also known as matthias helvar. so matthias is that boy who helped nina escape the clutches of his scary boss and he’s the actual literal embodiment of the grumpy cat. but!!! he undergoes the biggest character development of all imo bc he manages to change for the better (bit by bit, brick by brick) and let me tell you that’s COMMENDABLE. like listen this is a young man who’s been brainwashed into hating everything nina & the rest of kaz’s merry band of misfits stand for. he’s been taught nothing but hate hate and more hate and he manages to turn his back on those prejudices and he opened up so much and we got to see so much more of him in ck and we learned that he’s super kind and sweet and giving, and he’s so pure and wonderful and amazing. he also loves nina zenik A LOT which is smth i can get behind and relate to 100000%
- last but not least kuwei, who’s not ~an official~ member of kaz’s vip club (pity pity pity) but. he’s a gay poc (asian!!! the same as tamar&tolya from tgt so please don’t whitewash him, it’s unacceptable) who’s sassy but kind of laid back at the same time and his favourite pastime is to just chill in the back and pretend he’s not listening/doesn’t know the lingo but guess what?? boy is like an international spy bc he understands more than he lets on. he also lost his father (which kind of turned him into a living prize bc everybody wanted him for his knowledge & chemistry skills, like he could probably cook up a deadly virus in three minutes if he was feeling inspired that day - which never happened but still. it’s good to have options) and yet never complained about anything and he just let that drama unroll like 👀👂 I HATE DRAMA 🎧🔍📝 overall deserved better

2

“Why do you wear gloves, Mister Brekker?“

Kaz raised a brow. "I’m sure you’ve heard the stories.”

“Each more grotesque than the last.”

Kaz had heard them, too. Brekker’s hands were stained with blood. Brekker’s hands were covered in scars. Brekker had claws and not fingers because he was part demon. Brekker’s touch burned like brimstone - a single brush of his bare skin caused your flesh to wither and die.

Pick one,” Kaz said as he vanished into the night, thoughts already turning to thirty million kruge and the crew he’d need to help him get it. “They’re all true enough.” 

2

30 Million Kruge: a six of crows mix 

“Jesper knocking his head against the hull and cast his eyes heavenward. “Fine. But if Pekka Rollins kills us all, I’m going to get Wylan’s ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost.”

Brekker’s lips quirked. “I’ll just hire Matthias’ ghost to kick your ghost’s ass.”

“My ghost won’t associate with your ghost,” Matthias said primly, and then wondered if the sea air was rotting his brain.” 

listen on: spotify + playmoss 

2

the dregs meme: [5/5] scenes

“What do we do, Kaz?”
“Wait,” he said as the sound grew louder.
“How about ‘take cover ’?” Nina asked, bouncing nervously from foot to foot. “‘Have heart’? ‘I stashed twenty rifles in this convenient shrubbery’? Give us something.”
How about a few million kruge?” said Kaz.
A tank rumbled over the hill, dust and gravel spewing from its treads. Someone was waving to them from its gun turret – no, two someones. Inej and Wylan were yelling and gesturing wildly from behind the dome.
Nina let out a victorious whoop as Matthias stared in disbelief. When Nina looked at Kaz, she couldn’t quite believe her eyes. “Saints, Kaz, you actually look happy.”
Don’t be ridiculous,” he snapped. But there was no mistaking it. Kaz Brekker was grinning like an idiot.