I have an unusual fic rec I wanna share with you guys. I read it one week ago when it was first posted, but because of the way it affected me, it’s taken a while for me to decide whether I love or hate it.
But here goes:
With Delayed Expression by Idday
“I have… well… she said that she thinks that I maybe have… PTSD?”
The line goes so dead that Derek almost thinks Stiles hung up on him. He waits eight very quiet seconds, and says softly, “Stiles?”
“I’m sorry, what?” Stiles says, breath whooshing back over the phone line.
“I have PTSD,” Derek says more firmly. It’s the first time he’s said it out loud, not as a question. It hasn’t really seemed real, until now. He’d spent the whole of his last session arguing that Tamara was wrong about him, and saying it out loud is like admitting it’s true. “Post-traumatic stress dis—”
“I know what it means,” Stiles interrupts, “I just didn’t think I’d heard right. Oh my God.”
10,397 | M | CANON
Because here’s the thing: I was diagnosed with PTSD last year, by my new psychologist who said I’ve been misdiagnosed for the past five years. Problem is that I don’t think I ever landed in the fact that I have PTSD. I kinda just brushed it off, didn’t read into it, didn’t think about it, and I didn’t continue with the treatment very long after that because I thought I was fine.
This fic turned my whole life upside down, again, and I had my first panic attack in a long time just the other day because it just dawned to me that I’m basically Derek in it. It’s not what I expected when first starting to read this fic, and I didn’t expect crying through most of it but it really hit home.
So thanks to this fic, I’ve spent my sleepless nights researching PTSD and learning the symptoms, recognizing most of them, and finally accepted that I do indeed still suffer from it. I’m not completely fine. There’s a reason I don’t function like I should/want to. I still haven’t recovered from the trauma I went through because I haven’t been treated for it. I’ve adapted to it, just like Derek.
I finally gathered the courage to sit down with my family tonight and tell them about this, admit it to them. It was the hardest thing I’ve done all year, and I’m not feeling at my best right now, but I know it’ll be okay.
Our fandom has accomplished many amazing things, but personally this fic has helped me reach a point I otherwise wouldn’t have, and while it’s made me feel all kinds of things the last few days (anger, sadness, fear, shame) I’m still grateful that I stumbled upon it.
A Sterek fic made me accept my mental illness. That’s something.