zorndorf

3 February 1721: Birth of Friedrich Wilhelm von Seydlitz, famous Prussian cavalry general.

So General von Seydlitz was a boss and that’s what you gotta know about him. He also wore big hats that looked like salads.

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So who was this motherfucker? He was born in 1721 to a Prussian cavalry major. He started his career of badassery at 14 where he discovered he loved tobacco, women, and daredevil horsemenship.

What the fuck is ‘daredevil horsemanship’? Fucking riding a horse in between the sails of a windmill at full swing because he felt like it.

If you thought that a life of cigars, bitches, and backflips on horseback (probably) at 14 was too much, it only gets better.

He was taken prisoner during the First Silesian War when he was just a cornet (the lowest rank of Prussian Cuirassiers) in the war, but the dude was so fucking badass that King Frederick II himself offered to trade a captured Austrian captain in exchange for von Seydlitz back.

He moved up through the ranks and by 1755 he was a colonel.

In May 1757 the Seven Years’ War broke out because Frederick II couldn’t stand to have such a badass group of soldiers just sitting around doing nothing, so he invaded Saxony for shits and plunged Europe into war.

Pictured: Frederick the Great, preparing for war (flower crown included)

von Seydlitz proved himself a complete badass during the Seven Years’ War, participating in numerous battles and leading them to victory including the Battle of Zorndorf against the Russians and in Frederick the Great’s greatest victory at Rossbach.

When he was awarded the Pour le Merite (Prussia’s highest order of merit) in the middle of all this victory, he responded by telling the king, basically, “It’s about fucking time.”

“I would have preferred to have gotten this last year so I could qualify for the company cruise, but I suppose this will suffice. Your Majesty…more like Your Slowness, amirite?”

Frederick loved this dude so much that even when he failed to keep the Russians & Austrians from invading Berlin, he still praised him for his conduct, and in 1761 he appeared to help command Prince Henry of Prussia’s army. People didn’t think he could do it because he had infantry & cavalry, when before he had solely led cavalry.

Guess what fucking happened? He kicked royal ass at the Battle of Freiberg, the last great battle of the Seven Years’ War, and successfully shut up his critics.

After the war he was made a general of cavalry, and he died in 1773 after going through numerous domestic issues with his wife and children. But today! Today, he is still known as General Friedrich Wilhelm von Badass Seydlitz.