My Freshman year the college T.V. station decided to run a month-long
event called “Humans Versus Zombies” or HVZ where the participating
students were all issued a card with a number on it. If you were a human
you were allowed to use an unmodified Nerf gun to shoot the zombies (A
major problem for many participants as the routine Nerf wars on campus
lead to some heavily modified guns that could shoot a flea off a dog’s
back at 100 paces, eventually it was agreed that modifications that only
affected reload time was acceptable but modifications to muzzle
velocity was not, freaking tech schools, but I digress) and when the
zombies were shot they were “out” until they left “line of sight.” If a
zombie caught you, then you became a zombie. The zombie would take your
card and register their kill online, if a kill was not registered in 48
hours, you died. Now here’s where it gets weird.
One student who
was selected to be one of the initial zombies happened to be a parkour
enthusiast. In the 2 weeks leading up to the start of the event he took
to following people around, making notes of their routes, and figuring
out where to lay ambushes. When the event started he began to begin his
attacks. He leapt out of trees, suddenly burst from corners and low
walls to strike at his “prey” and generally took down the “human”
population of the campus.
Now as the zombie population “grew” the humans who remained were exceedingly cautious. Never using the same route twice, only leaving “safe havens” when necessary. Insisting that non-participants not talk to them between classes, etc. Now obviously this made it harder for the less fit zombies (Again, tech school) to get their necessary feeds to live. So the more fit zombies began to set up ambush parties. Large herds of zombies would come charging out at survivors, funneling them into the waiting arms of a zombie who could not hunt himself. They began to plot and plan, figuring out the next target and generally showing to some people just how terrifying an intelligent zombie apocalypse could be. Eventually the zombie menace was curbed by a simple weapon that you would never see in a movie.
The lead zombie’s girlfriend at the time, a non-participant, was feeling neglected and made him stop obsessing over the game in order to spend more time with her. Had she not done that I doubt any of the humans participating would have survived.
Now here’s where it gets even weirder:
As I said this was a tech school, the professors were actively doing research. Now one of the professors in the biology department was listening to the students discussing the events and what all had happened. She decided to ask the campus T.V. station for the records of who was turned and when, then she took that list of students to the registrar’s office and pulled their class schedules and residence locations. From there she was able to model the “outbreak” and the changes in the mentality of the hunting species as the amount of available prey decreased.
She used it as an example in her upper level classes. The next year, there were professors participating in HVZ, and studying the numbers, and modeling the information. I’m fairly certain that they wound up eventually publishing a paper about it.
hey look! another unnecessarily long hc post!! as always blame @manonblaxkbeak but also pray for her i sent her nearly 100 (one. hundred.) messages about this
here we go
Six of Crows Modern/Zombie Apocalypse AU!!!
The basics: Five homeless kids working B&E jobs for the local gangs in NYC and a rookie cop band together in the aftermath of a bioterror attack on the the major cities of the country. They decide to flee the country to escape the infected areas, but the entire plan goes to shit and they make some new friends and a helluva lot more enemies on the way to finding a cure to the virus and way out of the country.
Kaz: a brooklyn boy who showed up seemingly out of nowhere in the world of new york gangs, but quickly makes a name for himself with his ruthless efficiency. Fearless Leader, as always. He is safe cracker and strategist extraordinaire. he organizes hits on supply storage of survivalist camps and uses a bow staff to beat off zombies. he wears a brace on his leg that he fashioned sheaths to for two long ass daggers, also for zombie destroying.
Inej: stolen by a human trafficking ring she escaped upon landing in the states and started up with the gangs to make money to get back home. the spy, the scout. she sneaks into camps and finds out what theyre hiding where. she uses two big ass swords and has all the knives. so many knives. she never runs out. she decapitates zombies and intimidates any other survivors by being Very Pointy.
Nina: an illegal immigrant from russia who fled after the authorities put out a warrant for her arrest on the grounds of “homosexual acts” (”what the fuck? i’m bi. they could at least get my sexuality right if theyre going to imprison me for it”). she is the face of the operation, she is beautiful and amazing and she knows how to work diplomatically to get what they need through bartering and trade. also i don’t care if its impractical, she uses brass knuckles because theyre badass and fashionable. she also has one of those snap out metal core batons for beating people off and a machete for chopping off zombie heads.
Jesper: an accounting major with a gambling problem who took up gang work to pay for school. he has his signature pistols, but i am a strong believer in melee weapons in the event of a zombie apocalypse because ammo runs out, dudes, so my boy has throwing knives and a slingshot (fight me they’re actually really cool). Him and inej bond over their cool knives. He’s got those badass rainbow ceramic ones that he always had on him in case there were ever metal detectors when they were casing a place.
Wylan: he’s still their resident explosives expert, a master of being cute and using household materials to make pipe bombs, fertilizer bombs, molotov cocktails, shrapnel grenades, etc. Wylan got kicked out for similar reasons to canon, his father is a UN rep and working with the CDC (idk man i don’t know how these things work just roll with it) after the outbreak. also he doesnt play the flute he plays the harmonica because i think harmonicas are cool, theyre smaller and less fragile than flutes, and it’d be really funny if he played it if they were ever stuck in holding at a precinct
just imagine jesper: “ayye boy what that mouth do
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Kuwei: my brilliant boy is chemistry prodigy who went with his dad to family day at the CDC but then everything went to shit, a bioweapon was released, he missed his tinder date, and now he’s a hostage being used as incentive for his father to further develop this bioweapon released to create more zombies and spread to other countries. He super didn’t ask for any of this, especially when his dad got sick himself and died and he had to take over making increasingly aggressive strands. Pretty please message me if you are interested in my theories on the creation of zombies. I have ideas.
Matthias: a rookie cop back from one tour with the special forces after some disciplinary issues regarding protecting refugees and going AWOL. He’s put on a task forced focused on gang activity and he’s been chasing this group of kids his damn age for over a year now and how the hell are they so good at what they do??? He’s chasing them when the outbreak happens and in order to escape a zombie horde ends up running off with them to find shelter. he’s an excellent shot and strategist, also known for physically tossing zombies like a fucking amateur mma fighter this boy is jacked ok he fills out that uniform like a stripper cop and Nina is most definitely Here For It
Miscellaneous plot ideas!
Pekka is a sleazy businessman who had jordie killed in front of kaz by some dirty cops while he was getting carted off to juvie for some work they were doing (he never made it to processing).
They hole up in a hospital and find patient records - this is how they start to figure out the outbreak’s origin.
The kids have are trying to leave the country through the CDC base since thats the only place with functioning travel.
Kuwei is saved once they find out who he is while theyre sneaking around the base, Inej is taken in the process trying to protect him.
The Dime Lions are basically the national guard.
Matthias and Nina met when he helped her when she arrived in America, he knew she wasn’t here legally and barely spoke english but after a few weeks she picked it up fast, and disappeared with a bunch of his cash.
Movie premise: a zombie survival movie, but instead of being about zombies, it’s about being about zombies. Confused? Keep reading.
The film is set about 15 to 20 years in the future. Instead of gradually dying off, Hollywood’s obsession with zombie films has only grown, to the point that practically every movie now has zombies in it. Genre doesn’t matter; zombies have to be a part of it. Romantic comedy? Throw in some zombies. Political thriller? Zombies. Historical drama about the Revolutionary War? Zombies. Even long-running big-budget franchises like Star Wars and the now-rebooted Indiana Jones have been forced to add zombies to their lineup. Society has just quietly readjusted itself to fit the overwhelming presence of zombies in pop culture.
The story focuses on a small-town scriptwriter who comes to Hollywood, carrying with her the unthinkable: a script with absolutely no zombies in it. Now she and her small team- a director, a film crew, and a small band of actors (optional side note: all, or at least some, of the actor characters are thinly veiled parodies of the people actually playing them) must struggle to turn her script into a finished movie and release it to the world before the rest of Hollywood finds them and forces them to add zombies to the project.
The most important detail about the whole thing: it’s shot like a zombie survival movie. We need to see the crew being chased down a vacant street by deranged film critics demanding the presence of zombies in the film. We need to learn about “biters”: hostile script editors who latch onto a project, forcibly add zombies to it, and then linger on the project threatening to shut it down if their changes are not realized. I want to see an opening news segment where the media covers the gradual descent into full-on zombie madness, perhaps with cameos from famous film critics or directors reassuring the public that everything is okay when it clearly isn’t, the same way politicians do in zombie movies. I want to see a bittersweet ending where the entire crew gets blacklisted or else dragged into other teams to making zombie movies ad infinitum, but before they do the director manages to release the film online, and a closing shot of the view count skyrocketing, hinting that the public has finally realized change is necessary.
Would this make any goddamn sense? No, of course it wouldn’t; but neither do the majority of zombie movies. And more importantly, I can’t be the only one who thinks this would be a really damn good satire of the zombie craze we’ve been going through for about a decade now. Sadly, the actual obsession with zombies seems to be slowly dying off, so this potential film would almost certainly end up being made long after it would be topical, but hey, I’d still buy a ticket.
Jamie is the kind of person who needs regular doses of
undivided attention or else he starts getting Weird.
Like, one time Suzanne had to leave town for a conference
for three days and Coach got really overwhelmed with teaching and coaching. But
then around nighttime Coach realized the house was suspiciously quiet. Too
quiet. He even put Wicked in the CD player and turned it up, but his younger
son didn’t pop out of the woodwork like normal.
He found him on a sidewalk near the center of town, covered
in red body paint and holding up a placard. Coach was just relieved he didn’t
have to go down to the police station this time.
So from then on, the entire Bittle clan makes sure Jamie
gets regular doses of attention. Bitty calls him from Samwell at least once a
week to check in. Suzanne teaches him how to garden. Coach takes him out back
and they throw the football around for a bit. It’s good. Jamie stays out of the
public lock up.
Sometimes, someone will say “Do you think Jamies is a little…funny?”
And if Jamie hears he’ll whip around and say, “I’m not funny. I’m hilarious.”
It becomes a code for the gay underground at his school.
More than once Jamie hears his friend Cow sigh to herself when Linette walks
by. “I’m too hilarious and beautiful for this class.”
Jamie, Cow and Horace all go to prom together, and someone’s
parent laughs and says, “Look at Jamie! A girl on each arm! What a ladies man!”
And then when the three of them pile into the car Jamie will sigh woefully to
himself. “I’m too hilarious for this town.”
But imagine Bitty goes to Samwell for 5 years instead of 4.
Maybe he double majors or something, but whatever happens Jamie ends up
attending Samwell too.
So then you have TWO Bittles running around Samwell, and
when people talk about them they’re like, “Oh yeah. The Brothers Bittle. One is
super athletic—he’s captain of the hockey team. The other one loves musical
theater waaaay too much.” And then someone meets them at a kegster and they
look at Bitty like, “So how’s the theater department doing?” And Bitty is like,
“How should I know???” Someone meets Jamie and they’re like, “How’s hockey?”
and Jamie is like, “How can you think about hockey when Grantaire and Enjolras
are so in love?”
Everyone thinks Jamie is going to join the hockey team for
some reason, and it really pisses Jamie off. It gets to the point where he
quits calling sports by their sports names. “Oh yeah. My big brother plays
knife-shoe-Oreo-fight. My dad coaches egg-ball-hand-throw. My mom met him in
high school, when she was in acrobatic-encouragement-yelling. Oh, I learned to
dance like this when I took lessons in noisy-shoe-clicky-clack.”
Dex doesn’t deserve this kind of treatment.
By midterms Jamie is on a first name basis with the campus
cops. He keeps doing performative art on the quad and the police keep telling
him to put on pants, gdi. Bitty dies of fraternal shame at least once a week.
Affinity Housing is this stretch of houses and there’s a
theater house, a marching band house, two artsy houses, a house for psyc
majors, the zombie apocalypse house, etc. Think frat row but not for formal
fraternities. Jackson is a senior in the theater department and he gives his
dibs to Jamie.
The theater house is right next to the religious studies
house, and they are mortal enemies because the theater house is always loud. Always.
Listen. If you think hockey players are superstitious, just
know that hockey players look absolutely tame next to drama students. Opening
night rituals include: the Passing Around of the Gummy Sharks, shouting “Thespian
Lesbians” at each other at full volume, “Toy boat, toy boat, toy boat, toy
boyt-FUCK!”, rubbing the top of Guy Monty’s bald head, and kissing the director
on the cheek.
Bitty, being a big brother, knows this. He hugs Jamie tight
the night before a performance. “Break a leg,” he says. “Oh, and Jamie?” He
leans forward and whispers, “Macbeth.”
Campus police can hear Jamie Bittle screaming from across
the quad. “Should we check it out?” a rookie asks. His partner sips his coffee
and grunts. He’ll learn. They all learn.
After Bitty graduates and Jack is in the NHL for a season or
two, they come out as a couple. Which wouldn’t normally affect Jamie but the
reporters are super thirsty for deets and Bitty and Jack aren’t giving them
anything. Jamie starts finding reporters in his yard, on his way to classes,
lurking by the auditorium. It’s super annoying.
They catch him after an all nighter and Jamie is twitching
with caffeine. He has his script and his astronomy homework out because he can’t
focus on just one now and a reporter puts an audio recorder in his face and
asks for a soundbite. His eye twitches. “How can you think about Eric and Jack
at a time like this?” he hisses. “When dark matter and universal expansion ARE
SO IN LOVE?!”
Jamie calls Dex “Dad” unironically. “My hockey dad,” he says
when Nursey gives him a weird look.
Jamie for literally anything: “Hah, that sounds so gay. I’m
Jamie kicks open the door of the Haus. “DAD I NEED YOUR
Dex is like, “Are you going to be weird?”
“I AM BUILDING A SET!!!”
Which is how Dex ends up going to all the set building days
for the Samwell Theater Department. He does it for Jamie, and Bitty sends him
baked goods as an extra thank you. And the actors and techs keep giving Dex
their phone numbers even when he explains he is in a happy, stable, monogamous
Dex needs a drink.
Bitty coming to visit is such a weird trip, both for SMH and
the theater department. They learn too much about the Bittle household.
“Lol remember that time I told you serial killers lived in
the Fruity Pebbles box?” “Omg Dicky you are such an asshole.”
“Lol remember that time I told you that you were adopted.” “Omg!
That wasn’t funny!” “Jamie, you look almost exactly like Coach.” “Dicky, they
didn’t have any baby pics of me! How was I supposed to know!”
“Lol remember that time I told you bats like to nest in
people’s hair and then I dropped a squeaky toy on your head?” “Fuck you, Dicky.”
But then Jamie gets his revenge. He tells reporters about
Jack and Bitty. Well, he lies.
“Jack is afraid of snow globes.”
“Eric Bittle is afraid of the dark. Also he wets the bed.
Also he’s never kissed a girl!!! Also—wait, gimme back the recorder.”
“Jack Zimmermann has a tattoo of the Canadian flag on his
lower back. So does Eric. They’re friendship tattoos.”
“When Eric was little he wanted to be a chicken. As, like, a
“Eric Bittle was adopted.” (“Sir, you and Mr. Bittle have
the same face.”) “Are you saying all white people look the same?”
Jack, an only child, is really confused. “Why does your
brother hate you? Bitty, stop—stop laughing. Bitty, I’m serious. You’re
brothers, you shouldn’t fight.”
Jamie gets himself a Twitter account just so he can roast
his brother publicly. Of course, it goes both ways. The chirping is relentless.
Dad Bob gets in on it. Hockey fans are confused. Jamie is living.
There is a video on Bitty’s vlog, where he and Jamie are in
the kitchen trying to bake something. Well, Bitty is trying to bake something.
Jamie is being a huge pain in the ass. “I WANNA LICK THE BOWL!!!” “Jamie.
Sweetheart. There’s literally only eggs and sugar in it.” “Ugh! Fine. Can I
lick the spoon?” “…No.”
It devolves from there, to the point where Bitty and Jamie
are throwing whole eggs at each other. There are drifts of sugar on the
counters. The air is full of flour dust. Jack Zimmermann, professional NHL
player, has is back against the wall, wide-eyed. “Why are you guys so violent?”
The video cuts to a pristine kitchen, and Bitty wearing a
crisp, clean apron over crisp, clean clothes. He sets a perfect sheet cake on
the counter in front of the camera. “And that’s how y’all make a sheet cake.”
Kent Parson follows Jamie on Twitter because they’re both
sluts for absurdism. By the time Jamie graduates, the campus police know both
him and Kent by their first names. Their performance pieces go viral. Jamie
gets a spread in the Swallow. Bitty dies of fraternal shame again and he leaves
Kent at least four angry voicemails.
Lardo finds Jamie at the Drama House. “You have zero respect
for art.” “Uhhhh…” “I like that about you.”
Jamie calls everyone Dad. Bad Bob? Dad. Dex? Dad. The
student director of the play he’s in? Dad. Lardo? Dad. The female lead and his
love interest in the play? Dad. Lin-Manuel Miranda? Dad. Coach is frowning with
the phone pressed against his ear. “How come I’m never Dad?”
Dex makes a face. “I seriously don’t have answers, Mr.
Bittle. Why do you have my phone number?”