Zoe tries weed for the first time to see what all the buzz is about. Connor comes home and finds Zoe laying on their roof, he asks her why the fuck she’s up there and she’s like. “I’m staring at the most amazing star right now” “Zoe, that’s the fucking SUN. STOP STARING AT THE SUN”
1) the way evan moves?? like hes rigid but also not?? like wow relatable
2) evans anxiety is portrayed super accurately?? like i feel his pain in the talking to people and writing letters to yourself and losing your anxiety in love and hope and ahhh
3) the word vomit?? sounds real?? ben lets it spill and it just sounds so good and when a lot of other people do the word vomit it sounds manufactured??? but hes so talented and just
4)evan constantly apologizing like me too babe ily
5) at first i loved connor
6) and 1 minute later i fuckin hated his guts
7) and then in the computer lab i was like “my son?? hes so paranoid?? like chronically?? i hope hes gonna be okay!!” and the show r i p p e d m y h e a r t o u t
8) when evans mom (im blanking on her name) starts yelling at him in act 2 and he just goes blank and shuts his mouth i
9) evan like… compulsively lying about like little things and i love him because i do that!! like when he lies about his dad being lucky to have him and then goes back and is like “actually nvm idk why i said that yikes my dad lives in colorado” im so proud of my son
10) this show hits so close to home in everything it does i was crying within like 5 minutes
11) so many quotable lines ahhhh
-“school shooter chic”
-*monotone* “i know, it was funny cant you see me laughing”
12) THE SONGS JFC THEYRE ALL SO NICE????? LIKE REQUIEM IS GORGEOUS AND SINCERLY, ME IS SO CUTE AND ANYBODY GOT A MAP IS FUNNY BUT YOU WILL BE FOUND IS ONE OF THE BEST PIECES OF MUSIC IVE EVER HEARD
for all the people who are like “yeah but why would zoe like evan back? it seems so forced.”
-zoe is in a severely compromised situation rn and is dealing w/ a lot of shit about not “mourning in the right way” and is looking for someone that isn’t her parents and isn’t the people at school who pity her to just kinda be there.
-evan is a nice kid. he’s probably a direct contrast to her brother and everyone else around her, because he’s awkward and pretty forward and seemingly isn’t consumed by connor’s death
-also evan puts zoe on a pedestal, he has a whole song telling her how wonderful she is. i mean, that can be really nice sometimes
-zoe is very very very very very intelligent and strong, she doesn’t want pity and she doesn’t want someone else to be in control. she wants to be in control over something, anything in her life which seems so panicked and haphazard rn, and maybe malleable evan, who seems willing to go along with whatever she wants, is that something
-zoe is literally 16? 17? years old, i’ve seen 16-year-olds get together and break up w/ someone they don’t even sorta know in the span of 2 days, so their relationship being kinda flimsy is actually more realistic
-and, like, have you seen ben platt (aka evan hansen)?????
^idk about you but i think ya boy is v attractive/cute, so maybe like it was all just superficial (also the show is definitely commentary about the superficial nature of social media, as evan’s “love” of her despite only really knowing her through instagram (in the beginning) is actually quite a main statement)
-(also evan has a nice personality, too, i firmly believe, so)
-it was a while between the 1st act (the kiss) and the 2nd act (dating), and we don’t know what happened in the time between, and we can’t judge the circumstances and intricacies of their relationship with so little information
-also they don’t end up together, so maybe there’s a reason their relationship wasn’t built solidly, but rather as a more sudden thing, to emphasize why it all fell apart
Hey guys just a reminder that Connor Murphy isn’t a Pure Cinnamon Roll or anything of that nature and, while he definitely was under bad circumstances including mental illness, drug use, and parents who didn’t treat him right (which definitely caused him to act up), he still wasn’t a great person
According to Zoe, he never said anything nice to her ever, and even threatened to kill her (possibly more than once)
I know some of the hcs I post make it seem like I think “Connor is a pure cinnamon roll uwu” but I just wanna let you know that’s not how I feel about him
There’s a lot more to Connor than just pure headcanons and whatever
However, it is fun to make more lightheaded headcanons for Connor and it’s okay if you do, just keep this in mind
Anyways that’s all I wanted to say carry on!!!
The stage lights dimmed into darkness and the concert was
“THAT WAS THE BEST!” Zoe screamed, flopping back into her
seat with her legs still swinging excitedly off the edge. She had been dancing
and jumping around for three hours. It was only thanks to sugar that she was
still awake. “Did you see Kai, Mummy? He looked right at my face!” she
exclaimed loudly, slapping her hands against her rosy cheeks.
Requested by: @glitchedrabbit
“ “ I need some fluff with my boy can I ask for Connor x Reader with 14. “But the carnival is right down the street! Can we please, please go!?” And 15. “Can I kiss you?” “
Warnings: fluff, swearing, FLUFF
Word count: 950-ish Y/N = your name!!
English was slow, as always, so you slumped in your chair and doodled something in your notebook as the teacher went over the importance of… whatever. You were close to falling asleep. That is, until Connor, your best friend and neighbor, walked in late and sat in his normal spot next to you. He looked… nervous?
“Mr. Murphy, late again?” the teacher asked unamused.
“yeah, yeah..” he muttered back, slumping in his chair.
“Hey, you good?” You asked once he set his bag down.
“Oh- I uh, I was just wondering you and me and um,” He just wanted to make one coherent sentence. Was that too much to ask? “Fuck” He cursed under his breath.
“Con, use your words?” You said after giggling at his nervous stammering. He almost never stuttered, he was usually a pretty direct person so this was quite the change for you to hear. He fiddled with his hands nervously before stuttering out a reply.
“You. Do you want to, like, go out tonight? As a um, like maybe we could go on a, like, a date?” He asked while trying to hide the vigorous blush creeping across his face.
“As a date?” You felt your cheeks heat up.
He opened his mouth but decided against it and nodded shyly. He didn’t want to mess up his chance with you with his dumb words, they mess everything up.
“Pick me up at 7:00.” You said simply before turning your attention back to the teacher with a slight smirk.
Connor was wide-eyed and his cheeks were hotter then the sun.
“Holy shit,” he murmured. “I didn’t think that would work.” He ran his hand through his hair and smiled a bit to himself. He glanced back at you, doodling and slowly bobbing your head to the song playing through your single earbud. He had it bad.
The bell rang and he looked at you hoping he hadn’t imagined the conversation. You gave him a cheeky smile, your cheeks almost hurt from smiling so much.
“I’ll see you at 7:00?” You asked excitedly.
“See you then.” Connor smiled back in awe. He watched as you walked out of the room. He had it SO BAD.
Oh my god what do I even say?
Oh my god where do I even take her?
Oh my god what if this is a huge joke?
She wouldn’t do that though… right?
“Zoe, i know we aren’t nice to each other but I really need your help.”
“Oh uh, okay?” She said slowly closing her book.
“I asked Y/N on a date. What the actually FUCK do I do?”
“Oh my,” she said through chuckles. “Yeah, okay what do you need?”
“You’re ready to go! Remember, just relax. She’s known you for forever so she can tell when you’re being fake. Bye now!” Zoe said as she pushed Connor out the door.
Do I knock or..?
“Hey, you ready?” He said through a slightly nervous and very wide smile.
You had ended up going to a nice little park surrounded by trees. You had wandered around and just made nice conversation for an hour or so, just enjoying each others company.
He slowly reached for your hand after debating in his mind for 10 minutes wether he should, not wanting to freak you out. You held his hand right back (much to his relief). At least you didn’t pull away and scream freak in his face!
You walked home just talking about whatever until-
“CONNOR LOOK ITS A CARNIVAL!!” You almost squealed with joy.
“Oh, I don’t know, I uh, I don’t really… fit in there.” He said sadly, running his free hand through his hair.
“But the carnival is right down the street! Can we please, please go!?” You glanced up at him before squeezing his hand and quietly saying “I won’t leave your side. I promise.”
He looked into your intense stare and nodded slightly while tightening his grasp on your hand.
Oh god, this place is packed.
Her hand is so soft oh my god.
Wow look at her smile all lit up by red and yellow lights.
“Awe that’s such a cute little stuffed dog! Don’t ya think?”
“I cannot believe you spent 10 dollars to get me a stuffed dog, from a rigged game, Connor.”
“Thank you for doing all this,” you motioned around the carnival rides and game stations. “It’s been amazing!”
Somehow the lights made your eyes twinkle perfectly, and the shadows that lay on your face made you look even more perfect.
“Y/N,” he said softly.
“Hmmm?” You hummed looking at the commotion around you.
“Can I kiss you?”
You turned toward him with wide eyes, but nodded. You’re eyes flicked to his lips, and back up to him. He grabbed your face and- damn he’s good at kissing.
It was perfect, to say the least. His lips were warm and tasted like the cotton candy you had gotten a while ago after he won you that damn stuffed dog.His hands smushed your cheeks a bit, they were warm and a little calloused, but perfect nonetheless.
“Woah.” He whispered softly, after trying to catch his breath. He leaned in, connecting your foreheads together.
“Yeah.” You whispered back, dazed by the memory of what had just happened.
“Can I do it again?”
“Yes please.” You could barely finish before he kissed you again. And again. And again. Throughout the rest of the night was just subtle little kisses.
“Making up for lost time, huh?” You said after the thousandth sneaky kiss.
“You could say that.” He grinned slyly.
“You could also say that you’re so goddamn cute and I can’t help myself.“ his grin grew wider. And so did yours.
Plot: a textpost from @legendary-gaurdian-of-fun: “one where Evan and Conner were dating prior to Conner’s suicide, and Evan has to fake their friendship not because he didn’t know Conner but because his parents/town are incredibly homophobic. And Conner and Evan weren’t exactly subtle in their private emails so Conner can’t actually show those ones.”
Warnings: suicide, attempted suicide, homophobia, grief, two too many heathers references, overall just pretty shitty
Evan reread over Connors note again, not being able to, or not wanting to rather, believe that his boyfriend had killed him self. He felt too many indescribable emotions, the biggest one being guilt. He had to have been a terrible boyfriend to not know Connor was suffering, right? No, he tried telling himself otherwise, it couldn’t be that he was a bad boyfriend, Connor just didn’t want to worry him, it said so in the note, along with a ‘don’t feel guilty because I know you know that feeling too’ that Evan hoped Mr and Mrs. Murphy wouldn’t read into too much.
“We had no idea Connor had any friends, not anyone he would be close enough to write his… his note to,” Cynthia choked out, wiping another tear from her eyes. Evan wouldn’t dare to come right out and tell her that we was more than friends, or even best friends, with her son. Connor had spent so many nights crying to Evan about how homophobic his parents were and how if they ever found out about him and Evan he would be kicked to the curb with nowhere to go. Of course, Connor did want to move out and get away from them desperately, but he couldn’t handle that just yet, he needed more time and more money until he could be free.
“Yeah, y-yeah we were pretty, uh, pretty close,” Evan stuttered, realizing now that this was actually the first time he’d ever met his boyfriends parents. He’d never imagine this was how it would go. He wished that it didn’t have to be like this.
“Connor never talked about… about anyone being his friend,” Larry said, his words would sound very skeptical if it weren’t for their sad tone. Evan wanted to scream and cry at them about how they were the reason Connor never told them about him.
“Yeah, well, uh, I, uh, I guess he just-he just didn’t want to admit to being my friend or something,” Evan mentally slapped himself for not being able to stand up for his boyfriend, “I mean, I’m kinda a, kinda a-”
“Nerd,” Zoe piped up for the first time since Evan had been in their house. It was familiar to him, since whenever Larry had work as Zoe had jazz band practice and Cynthia had to go to some exercise class for whatever trend she was trying now, Evan was over with Connor. It was rare when all three of the other Murphy’s weren’t home, but the few times it happened Evan secretly loved being able to come over and just talk to Connor.
“I was gonna say loser, but, uh, yeah that works too.”
“Zoe!” Cynthia scolded.
“But see the weird thing is,” Zoe said, ignoring her mothers scolding, “the only time I ever saw you and my brother together at school was when he shoved you the other day.”
“He shoved you!?”
“I, uh, I tripped,” Evan stuttered out a lie as he tried to think of how to play off what had happened, “I uh, tried to talk to him, uh, tried to talk to him at school, so he, uh, you know.” Of course Evan wasn’t going to tell the truth…
<i> Connor had waited by Evans locker for him, knowing it was going to be his last day on Earth with his boyfriend and wanting to make the most of it, for Evans sake. When Evan turned the corner to see Connor waiting for him, he was shocked to say the least.
“What, uh, what are you doing here?” He asked, looking around nervously to make sure Zoe wasn’t around, noticing a few people were staring but only because they feared Connor and thought that he was going to attack poor Evan.
“I wanted to see my fucking boyfriend,” Connor said matter-of-fairly, but still quietly so that nobody could hear him call Evan his boyfriend except Evan, who blushed a deep red in response.
“But, uh, but what if someone sees or what if, uh, or what if Z-Zoe comes by and uh sees us,” Evan squeaked out as Connor laughed.
“Relax, okay, you’re adorable when you’re all nervous though,” Connor smirked as Evan got redder.
“Well if it isn’t the gayest kids in school,” Jared said as he walked up to the pair, Evans ears tinting red as Connor rolled his eyes. Connor regretted that Jared knew about them and was the only one because the boy didn’t know how to refrain from gay jokes or explicit sex jokes every time he saw the pair together. He glared at Jared with a blank stare.
“Chill, it was just a joke,” Jared responded, seeing Connors expression.
“Oh yeah I know, it was funny, I’m laughing. Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” Connor replied, yelling a little no matter how hard Evan tried to shush him from the corner of his eye.
“You’re such a freak,” Jared replied, looking down the hallway in the direction he came from, “Sister alert, freaks,” he warned before walking away. Connor sighed, remembering that as annoying as Jared was he was good for one thing: warning when Zoe was around. Connor spotted her from the corner of his eye and looked to Evan, mouthing an ‘I’m sorry’ before he shoved Evan, yelling about how he was a freak before tearing down the hallway, people moving quickly out of his way.</i>
“That wasn’t very nice,” Cynthia said, clearly upset at her sons actions even though she couldn’t do anything about them.
“Well Connor wasn’t very nice,” Zoe replied, shaking her head slightly, “so that makes sense.”
“Connor was, he was a complicated person,” Cynthia said, looking for the words to describe Connor. <i> Complicated doesn’t even began to describe it, </i> Evan thought.
“No, Connor was a bad person, there’s a difference!” It hurt Evan to hear Connors sister talk to badly of him, and he wished he could tell them about the real Connor, the sweet Connor that would stay up with him just to talk about anything, or would sneak in his window when his family was being extra annoying.
“Zoe, please,” Larry spoke up, not wanting to hear Zoe’s words either.
“Don’t pretend like it’s not the truth!”
“You can never see the good things in him!”
“What good things mom?” Zoe yelled back at her mother, who walked away from the table and sobbed, “tell me! What good things were in him!?” Evan could see the tears in her eyes and didn’t know if she was sad or angry. He didn’t know how to react to the family fighting in front of him. At this moment he felt like he knew Connor even more, if possible, now that he’s seeing what his home was like everyday.
“There were a lot of good things actually,” Evan surprised himself and the Murphy’s by interrupting the fight.
Zoe looked at him expectantly, “Like what.”
“Well, uh, we used to, uh, we used to go to the, uh,” he felt his hands getting sweaty as he got more nervous, wondering how he could make their dates seem any less, well, gay, “we’d go to the, uh, apple, apple, uh, apple place,” He slapped himself mentally. ’<i> apple place? really Evan!</i>’.
“He took you to the orchard? That placed closed years ago, we used to go their all the time and have picnics, don’t you remember, Zoe?” Cynthia smiled for the first time in what felt like forever.
“Y-yeah, we used to, uh, we used to walk through the old, the old trees. And we’d uh, get ice cream, down at, down at A-La-Mode some-sometimes!” Evan held back tears as he remembered the sight of Connor with whipped cream on his nose, or their first date their when they both were so nervous. Evan never told Connor how cute he thought it was seeing the school badass flustered. My god did he wish he had told him how cute he looked flustered, now that it was too late, “We’d sit in that, sit in that old empty field, with all the, uh, with all the four-four leaf clovers. We’d talk about what we wanted to do when we’d get out of school, you know? Like, uh, like the Appalachian trail or, uh, I don’t know, writing a book or learning to sail, they were all just, uh, just dumb little dreams, but we liked it, I guess. We’d talk about, uh, about,” Evan looked mentally for something to come up with, “Girls! Yeah, like, that we, uh, we wished would notice us.”
’<i> Great job, Evan, really subtle, a perfect way to say IM TOTALLY NOT GAY AND TOTALLY WAS NOT DATING YOUR DEAD GAY SON</i>’
“We would, uh, we’d climb some of the old trees, thats how I, uh, broke my arm. We were climbing one of them and I just, I fell, but he was right there for me, he came to get me, so everything was, uh, was okay,” Evan choked up a bit, nothing that wasn’t the truth.
Evan recalled the day he and Connor were at the orchard. He remembered Connor telling him that there was nowhere else he’d rather be than in Evans arms. Evan smiled sadly and held his arms together, wishing Connor was wrapped between them.
“We didn’t always get to hang out though,” Evan said.
’<i>Because you’d probably kill him if he left to hang out with his boyfriend</i>,’ Evan thought.
“But we’d, uh, we’d email,” Evan said.
’<i>You dumbass they probably checked his email account already</i>,’ Evan thought.
“But on a secret account, so they’re more private,” Evan said.
’<i>I mean, it’s not a lie, but what better way to scream SECRET LOVERS than a secret email account, nice going</i>,’ Evan thought.
“I can, uh, bring you some,” Evan said.
’<i> JUST. STOP. TALKING.</i>’ Evan thought.
“Oh, we’d, we’d love that,” Cynthia smiled, taking Evans hands in hers as he stood up, her wrapping her arms around him tightly, whispering a thank you in his ear.
“A secret email account!? While I don’t doubt that you guys had one, do you know how many dick pics are probably in those emails?” Jared laughed through the phone.
“Okay I panicked, and I, and I didn’t know what to say so I just started talking and then I, and then I didn’t stop. I mean, uh, what was I supposed to do? 'Hey you wanna here about all the dates I went on with your dead gay son?’” Evan spoke fast as he paced his room, cell phone in hand.
“Well that would’ve been more subtle than that. Dude, how are you supposed to show them emails, unless you want to show them your creepy gay sex emails.”
“We didn’t have creepy sex emails! We, uh, we just… I don’t know,” Evans face went red, not that Jared could see, but knowing Evan he knew he was blushing and flustered right now.
“I mean it’s not hard to backdate emails, I do it all the time, I mean, I wasn’t the only member of our IT club for nothing,” Jared laughed, as if he was bragging, but in all honesty Evan didn’t know what there was to brag about in that sentence.
“Wait so you’d, you’d do that for me?”
“Sure, why not? For two grand.”
“Two thousand dollars!?”
“Fine, five hundred.”
“I can give you twenty.”
“Fine, twenty, but you’re a dick,” Jared said before hanging up his phone and grabbing his laptop, putting it in his bag to make his way to Evans house. Evan hung up the phone and was about to pull out his laptop when his mother, Heidi, came in the room.
“Hey,” she said, Evan noticing something was up that she wanted to talk about, “I got an email from your school today, something about a kid that killed himself, a Connor Murphy? Did you know him?” Evan froze at his boyfriends name, still adjusting to the fact that he was dead, not having been given enough time to mourn him.
“Uh, no, no I didn’t know him,” Evan lied. ’<i> was it really a lie? I mean, how could you not know your own boyfriend enough to know he was suffering! </i>’ Evan thought to himself, wondering if this is how Connor would have felt if Evan ever got the chance to tell him about the past summer. Not that he ever would, Connor would hate him if he knew the truth.
“Oh, okay, good. Youu know you can always talk to me right? I’m always here or just a, just a phone call away, right?” Heidi reassured her son as he replied with a nod. Her gaze glanced to his cast, “Okay it says Connor, right there, he, uh, he signed your cast.”
“No, that was a, uh, a different Connor, dont, uh, don’t worry,” Evan lied, holding back tears yet again as he remembered Connors worried face when he climbed in Evans window to see the big cast on his arm…
<i> It was the night before their first day of senior year. Connors parents had him on house arrest for two whole weeks, taking away his phone and laptop. He wasn’t happy about it, of course, and spent most of the time in his room throwing and punching things, threatening his families life, not that he was proud of it. Him and Evan both felt alone when they couldn’t talk to the other, and he had no way of communicating to Evan what happened and that he wasn’t ignoring him. He worried for Evan and knew his mind must be racing and jumping to conclusions. When he finally was given his computer and phone and privileges back, he immediately left to go to Evans. He climbed in through the window as per usual, finding it more fun than going to the door in all honesty. Tapping on the glass he heard a small gasp before the window opened. Jumping in he was met with a slightly red eyed Evan, with a big white cast on his arm. He pulled him into a hug, apologizing and explaining that he was locked up the entire time and asking a million questions about Evans arm.
'I, uh, I fell… out of a tree,“ Evan replied, not wanting to admit to Connor that he was a hopeless wreck without him. Connor would think he was pathetic and would hate him.
“You fell out of a tree?” Connor had his hands on both of Evans shoulders, “Well isn’t that the saddest fucking thing, oh my god,” he laughed it off, so did Evan. Connor wrapped his arms around Evan, feeling better than he had the previous days.
“Hey, so, I actually came over here with somethings. Presents, I guess, as a 'sorry-I-couldn’t-see-you-for-two-weeks’ surprise,” he said, pulling out of the hug reluctantly and rubbing his neck. He sat in Evans bed and took his bag off of his shoulder, setting it next to him on the bed, pulling out about ten books, “I brought some books, I know, fucking lame, but I like them. They’re probably my top ten books of all time,” he said looking down at the books thoughtfully. Evan sat next to him, seeing how he was a little passionate about the books and thinking it adorable. They looked through the selection, including Perks of Being a Wallflower, Of Mice and Men, Amityville Horror, and a few other small, but good books, including many classics, smaller unknown indie books, and a book of Edgar Allen Poe poems.
“Th-thanks, Con, but why are you giving these to me? Not that I don’t want them of course I’m very grateful I just-”
“You’re adorable,” Connor interrupted his rambling, making Evan blush. “I don’t know, they just, they mean a lot to me, and you mean a lot to me, so here you go, I guess.” He blushed nervously, hoping Evan would take them, “If you read them I think you’ll enjoy my commentary in the sides.” Evan smiled and kissed Connor on the cheek, thanking him.
Evan wished he had read into the signs and realized what Connor was planning then.
“Oh, well, okay. I have to go into work now, and I probably won’t be home until late again. Sorry, Evan, there’s money on the counter for food, okay? Bye, love you,” Heidi kissed her sons head as he shook out of his daydream, mumbling a bye as she left the room, Jared entering the room just minutes later.
“Ready to forge some weird ass sex emails!”
I wanna split this up into more parts so expect a part two and probably three next week!! I worked literally all day on this and I’m just not feeling good rn to finish writing it. Idk just not mentally okay rn, summers just hitting me bc I have no life or friends when summers here so 😊. But I’m fine lol enjoy. Happy stuff coming later maybe??