zip ties

I firmly believe that every pet owner should look in to getting an emergency evacuation kit. It can literally just contain an extra harness and leash for your pup with a doggy bag of food, or for reptile owners, a small crate for the beardie, a pillow case per snake, etc. That way in case of a fire, flood, or other type of emergency you can run to them, grab them out of their cages and secure them all quickly and efficiently. 

the signs as dennis reynolds screaming

aries: THE THUNDER OF MY VENGEANCE WILL ECHO THROUGH THESE CORRIDORS LIKE THE GUST OF A THOUSAND WINDS

taurus: TOOLS! TOOLS! DUCT TAPE, ZIP TIES, AND GLOVES! I HAVE TO HAVE MY TOOLS

gemini: EVERYBODY! EVERYBODY GET A WEAPON

cancer: BEGONE, VILE MAN, BEGONE FROM ME

leo: JERKOFF IDIOT IDIOT JERKOFF

virgo: NEEEEWWWWSSSSFLASH, ASSHOLE

libra: I DO NOT LIKE IT WITH THE SKIN, DEE, I’M NOT ALLOOOOOOWED TO EAT IT WITH THE SKIN I’M NOT ALLOOOOOOOOWED

scorpio: GET OUTTA HERE, SHOO AWAY FROM ME

sagittarius: YOU HAVEN’T THOUGHT OF THE SMELL, YOU BITCH

capricorn: FETISH, FFFFFFETISH SSHHIT

aquarius: MY MOMMY, MY MOMMY’S A SKELETON

pisces: SUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRREEEENDER, MAYBE?

The Morning After

Request: I would love a Bucky smut where him and reader have to go undercover as a married couple.

Summary: You were supposed to go on a undercover mission with Steve, not the man you despised- James Buchanan Barnes.

Warnings: smut, sexual tension, fluff

A/N: I have another draft of this written up but it was all over the place and I didn’t like it so I switched to this one.


“I know you were expecting to go on this mission with Steve, but we have a job to do.” Bucky threw a towel over his shoulder, heading toward the door of the hotel room.

“Well, once you took Steve’s place this mission just got exponentially harder.” You stepped out of the bathroom, towel and sunscreen in your hand.

“How so?” He smiled, cocking an eyebrow at you.

You jutted your hip out, rolling your eyes at him. Your bikini was nothing special; it had a pushup top that accentuated your breasts perfectly, but that was about it. The top and the bottom matched with blue and white stripes. You topped the outfit off with red sunglasses; the suit was meant to get a chuckle from Steve, not Bucky.

“Because now I have to pretend I’m head over heels in love with you, not Steve.” You flipped the light off. “Let’s just go check out the damn pool.”

Keep reading

Imagine Being Kidnapped by Kingsman’s Old Enemies

A/N: Hey pals! Sorry I’ve not updated in a while, I have mocks next week so things will be a bit slower :( hope that’s okay, and I’ll queue up some fics so you can’t avoid me ;P. ALSO I posted this on the wrong blog earlier sorryyyyy :P
This was requested by @thestrawberryblondehobbitbatch so I hope you like it!

Warnings: Violence, kidnapping, swearing.

You woke up to hushed voices and a throbbing headache.

Prying your eyes open, you tried to reach up and rub them - only to find your hands tied behind your back, tight enough so you could feel the zip ties digging into your wrists.

“What the fuck?” You mumbled, voice still groggy from being unconscious. In the darkness, you could just make out the figures huddled in the corner of the room as they glanced over at your, still deep in conversation.

You felt a shiver of fear run through your body. These people were definitely not your friends; the guns in their hands and the pain in your head could attest to that. So who were they?

It was then that one of the silhouettes made their way out of the darkness. He was a tall, broad-shouldered man and he walked with the sharp posture of a soldier. There was a shotgun holstered on his thigh and he spun a knife between his fingers, the metal reflecting what little light there was in the room.

“Good. You’re awake.” he moved closer, kneeling in front of you, eyes locked on yours. You thought you recognised him; his voice and movements seemed familiar somehow.

“I see you’ve remembered me. I remember you, Emrys. You took down my organisation five years ago - you and Galahad, was it?” You knew exactly what he meant. Five years ago, when you’d only just joined Kingsman, you took your first mission with Agent Galahad. It was rough, and cold - three weeks in Russia in December, two of which were spent staking out the gang in an abandoned barn.

You recognised the man then. He was the ringleader of the operation that shipped drugs and body parts in an illegal trade network through Europe. Agent Galahad was new to Kingsman as well, so you worked well together, with him in the field and you hacking your way into the gang’s systems with ease.

Agent Galahad asked you out when you got back. You fell asleep on him in the cab, but he carried you inside and left a sticky note on your forehead with a time and a place.

(He did the same thing four years later when he proposed.)

“Yep, that was us. We fucked your operation right up, didn’t we?” You smirked at him, and he placed a calloused hand on your shoulder, making you flinch.

“You did indeed. But now -” He paused to look back at the others, two of whom were unlocking the cell door, “-you can help us fix it.” You rolled your eyes but felt fear gripping your core.

“How?” The man smiled, showing missing teeth and several gold fillings. You saw one of the others moving forwards, with a long chain that he quickly pulled around your ankles, tying you up completely. You tried to kick him, and hit his nose - he let out a long string of curses and the leader glared at you, raising a meaty fist that slapped your cheek.

“Time to go, Agent.” He grabbed you around the waist and threw you over his shoulder, and you screamed, wriggling and squirming but held still in his uncomfortable grasp.

They led you down a tunnel, standing close to the walls and walking in perfect formation. The man carrying you stood at the back, and as you moved your hands to maintain the feeling, you found that you could reach the wall. Bracing yourself, you dug your nails into the wooden wall and scratched four lines across it.
At least if Kingsman found this tunnel, they might guess where you were.

Blood gathered under your nails and splinters embedded themselves in your fingers, but you kept scratching, leaving a long trail down the wall.

The tunnel made a sudden turn, and the walls turned to stone. The group picked up their pace, walking towards a door at the end of the tunnel. When they pushed it open, you saw a room similar to your cell, but with a computer in front of a cast iron chair.

Dropping you unceremoniously into the chair, the leader stepped back and pressed a button. A set of steel cuffs wrapped around your ankles, and just as your hands were freed, they tied a rope tightly around your waist.

“You’re going to break into the secret service computer network. And you’ll implant a virus that can destroy their security, releasing the names of their undercover agents and any weapons plans they have. We’ll use them as leverage and your government will give us the resources we need. Understand?”

You looked at him, eyebrows raised. “You want me to hack into MI6?” He nodded, and his gang began to whisper together.

He held up a hand and the mumbling stopped. “That’s correct. Can you do it?” You bit back the temptation to roll your eyes and settled for breathing deeply.

“What if I don’t do it?” The leader smiled condescendingly, and spun his knife around between his fingers, dangerously close to your face.

“Then we’ll kill you, Agent. Slowly and painfully. Are you willing to take that chance?”

Panic began to build in your chest. You tried to compress it; you were an agent, a good one too. You squeezed your hands together, stroking your wedding ring and taking a breath.

“Try me.“

***

An hour later, and several more bruises later, you still wouldn’t crack. The gang leader (whose name was Sebastian) had tried all manner of methods to convince you help, but none of them had worked. You were still hoping that some other Kingsman agent would rush in to save you.

Somehow, Sebastian cottoned onto this. "They’re not coming for you Agent. They’ve given up on you. You might as well help us now because your Galahad’s clearly not coming to get you.”

Eggsy. Would he really give up on you? You’d both promised each other years before that you would always come for each other. When he saved you from Valentine, when you didn’t sleep for a week so you could watch over him on a dangerous mission - even when everyone else stopped hoping, you two had faith in each other.

“Alright,” You murmured, just loud enough for Sebastian to hear. “I’ll do it.”

“Good, agent. You did the right thing. Pity it took you so long,” He smirked at you, pushing the table with the computer closer to you. Fisting a hand in your hair, he yanked your head close to his.

“If you betray us, I will end you. You have two hours.”

**

The familiar feeling of a keyboard helped to calm you racing heartbeat. You saw that they’d already prepared the software - they just needed you to locate the MI6 system, get past the firewalls, and find the relevant information.

When you began to type, the code felt foreign to your hands. You had taught many agents how to input it, but you’d been waiting to use it for an emergency.

“C'mon, Eggsy, you have to learn this! What if you can’t get out of trouble some day?” Eggsy grinned at you, wiggling his eyebrows.

“I’ll wait for you to come ‘n find me. S'not like I’d let you get rid of me so easily,” You rolled your eyes dramatically; Eggsy leant across the desk, seemingly about to whisper in your ear. Until he pressed his lips to yours and grabbed your waist, pulling you closer.

You always felt butterflies when you thought of the emergency code. This time, it was because of the barrel of a gun you felt pressed into your head.

Merlin would know where you were. If you could just finish the code, it would be less than an hour until they found you. Then all you had to do was pretend to hack until Kingsman got you out.

Enter. All you had to do was wait. For once, you let yourself feel proud, for developing the code that had just sent your location and a distress signal to Kingsman headquarters.

Sebastian pressed the gun harder into your head. “What was that? Are you in?” You shook your head, typing in all the codes you could think of. You just had to bide your time.

“Not yet. It takes time, you know. They have some complex encryptions,” He huffed, but let you get back to work.

Come on, Eggsy. I need you.

***

Your two hours were almost up.

The gun against your head wasn’t pressed as hard; you could still feel the dull ache the pressure had left.

Sebastian was getting desperate.

“Have you done it yet? You have five minutes, agent, and then I will kill you,” You didn’t look back at him, typing even faster. You entered random codes, anything to make you look like you were working.

Bang!

The gang members’ heads all turned to the door. What was that noise? It sounded like… a gunshot.

“What the hell was that?” Hissed Sebastian. Immediately, he took the safety off of his gun, and his cronies began to pull out weapons.

Come on Eggsy, you thought.

Grabbing your arm, Sebastian pressed something on the chair that released the cuffs on your ankles. He yanked you out of the chair, pulling you in front of him and pressing the gun against your temple.
“If this is your agency… I won’t hesitate, Emrys,” You felt hope building in your chest.

There were footsteps pounding the corridor outside. The sound of a gunshot reverberated through the room - please, let it be Eggsy. Suddenly a silence fell. Sebastian didn’t make a noise, and neither did the intruder on the other side of the door.

Until the door was kicked through, and a man in a smartly tailored suit stood there, holding a gun and an umbrella.

“I think you’ve got our hacker, bruv.” Sebastian jumped into action, firing two shots at Eggsy - who dove out of the way with a practised ease and kicked the legs of two other guys from underneath them. with Sebastian distracted, you saw your chance; you twisted his arm backwards and brought your knee to his stomach, sending him sprawling on the stone floor. You ripped the gun from his hands and kicked him, knocking him out.

“Y/N! Behind you!” Cried Eggsy, and you turned around just in time as a woman came up to you, a knife pointed straight at your throat. You threw a punch at her and she reeled backwards, where Eggsy threw her against the wall. There were only two people left, and they stood in the corner of the room, pointing their guns at you and Eggsy. The pair of you made eye contact and dove to the side as the pair shot at you.

You saw Eggsy’s umbrella lying near you, and grabbed it, pulling it towards the two of you. Opening it out, you felt the impact of the bullets and frantically pressed a button on the handle. It sent out a flash of light, and you flinched, but heard the sound of two bodies dropping to the ground.

Peering out from around the umbrella, you saw that the entire gang lay on the floor, dead or unconscious. Slumping against the wall, you looked up at Eggsy, who was staring at you.

“Glad you could make it Eggsy,” He shot you a smile, but the pair of you jumped as a sudden movement caught your eye. It was Sebastian and in his hand a remote. A cut was dripping blood down his face, but he looked you dead in the eyes and pressed a button.

“Security measure,” He whispered, before collapsing. Eggsy looked confused, and you felt the same; until the sound of ticking hit your ears.

Eggsy looked at you, panicked. “What the fuck is that?” Furrowing your brow in concentration, you tried to figure it out. Security measure? What would they have used -

“It’s a bomb! Fuck, Eggsy, we need to go,” Eyes wide, Eggsy grabbed your hand and sprinted out of the room, down the tunnel you had both come through. The ticking seemed to speed up - or maybe it was the blood pounding in your head as your pulse raced. There was a door up ahead, or at least the frame of a door that had clearly been kicked down.

The two of you ran faster still, the ticking reaching a crescendo and the door coming ever closer. Just a bit further, and you were safe -

***

The explosion could be heard from miles away.

It sent a fall of rocks down the mountain, and the entrance to the cave collapsed. No one inside could have survived - at least, that was what Merlin told the pair of you when you were sat safely in the plane, flying far away.

“And Emrys - good to know your code works. And well done on not letting those fuckers do anything awful. Galahad, good job too. But if you ever try and threaten me into saving your wife faster again, I will end you.” There was humour in his voice, and he rolled his eyes affectionately when Eggsy wrapped an arm around your shoulders.

You and Eggsy left the cockpit of the plane, ready to remove your dusty, blood-stained clothes.

“Glad you’re alright, babe. You were fuckin’ badass in there. How did you get ‘em to let you use a computer?” You told him the whole story and he listened intently. As you finished, a curious expression appeared on his face.

“So what did you do if you weren’t hackin’ into MI6?” You hummed, unsure. Trying to think back over the codes you used, you were hit with a sudden realisation.

Biting your lip, you replied, “I just used whatever codes I could think of. They just happened to be the ones I used when Roxy and I hacked Harry’s computer last month…” Eggsy looked shocked, but couldn’t hold in his laughter.

“Oh my God, babe. You mean you -” He was overcome with laughter, and you grinned in mock shame.

“Yeah. I linked all their servers to a porn website. Oh god.”

Eggsy pulled you down onto the seat next to him, kissing you deeply.

“I fuckin’ love you, Y/N,” You smiled into the kiss, reaching a hand up to stroke his cheek.

“Love you too, Eggsy.”

Hiding Places

Trigger Warning: Physical Violence 

“Jack, is there a place for you to hide?” I looked at the little boy, he nodded his head. “Take my phone and call your daddy. Don’t come out until he comes for you!” I handed him the phone as he ran up the stairs.

Opening the closet, I found Hotch’s golf clubs, pulling one out, it was about to become my weapon of choice.

XXX

Morgan looked down at his phone, smiling. “Hey beautiful.”

“Uncle Derek, someone is in the house, I’m hiding, Aunt (Y/N) told me to call. Please come help. I think she’s hurt.”

Morgan felt sick to his stomach. “Jack, you stay put, you’re dad and I are on out way. You stay on the line with me.”

Hotch looked up when he heard his son’s name. Hearing just Morgan’s side of the conversation, he got the team ready to head for his house.

XXX

I heard them talking. “Kill the baby sitter, take the boy.” I prayed I could keep Jack safe until Aaron got there. He was my responsibility, I heard footsteps coming near me. I swung on club for the knees, and one for the head.

The first kidnapper went down, grabbing the bag he had with him, I tossed iy down the hall. Grabbing his ankles, I pulled him down the hall. “Damn, he was a big boy.”

I left him in Hotch’s office, looking in the bag, I found duct tape and zip ties. I secured him, so he wouldn’t get away, leaving the office, I quietly left the room. Looking for the other man or men, I wasn’t for sure how many there were.

Creeping down the hall I listened, the sound of boots were up stairs. Picking out two new clubs, I carefully went up the stairs. I was jerked from behind, picked up  and thrown on the floor.

The force making me drop the clubs, I was picked up, hands wrapped around my throat. My body slammed against the wall, the air knocked from my lungs. “Where’s the boy?”

The death grip on my throat was loosened. “Go to hell!” I was dropped to the floor then kicked in the ribs. I let out a yelp of pain, crawling across the floor, I picked up the golf club.

Rolling over, I swung up, right between the man’s legs. I rolled over to me knees, pushing myself up. Hitting him again in the head, as he straightened up. He started to come after me as I leaned against the railing, I moved out of the way, and shoved. 

He landed with a thud, on his back in the living room below. I sank to the floor, hearing the screeching of brakes. I crawled towards the bedrooms, looking for Jack.

XXX

I woke up with a start. “JACK….JACK!” I tried to sit up, but my ribs protested.

“Take it easy beautiful. Jack is fine he’s out in the waiting room with his Hotch.”

“He’s safe, they didn’t get him?” Derek brushed the hair back from my face. 

“Thanks to you, he’s safe and sound.” He leaned forward kissing me. “Why didn’t you hide?”

“I had to make sure he was safe….that he was protected. I need to buy Hotch new golf clubs.”

“He’s already said not to worry about it considering you risked your life to safe Jack’s life.” His hands caressed my face. “I was terrified I was going to loose you. You’re my whole world, I love you (Y/N).”

“I love you too. I wasn’t going anywhere.”


THE END

Boys will be boys

I want to share something here that I very rarely talk about but has been on my mind lately. When I was younger, and before I realised I was trans, my high school had a seniors muck up day. This was where u could wear whatever u want as seniors and have a fun time to celebrate finishing high school. I decided to wear a pink dress. Cause I just thought it would be nice to wear and I told myself that I was doing it as a joke (in hindsight it wasn’t cause I was so happy to wear that dress). When I turned up to school, half my year (it was an ‘all boys’ school) was wearing dresses as jokes (like a lot of them had balloons as boobs). But, for some reason (like they knew I wasn’t doing it as a joke), a bunch of boys (10-15 jocks) decided to target me. They surrounded me, tackled me to the ground hard enough that I started coughing from the wind being knocked out of me, ziptied my legs and arms together as I was trying to kick them off and get away. Then they threw eggs at me, poured pure cordial on me, and chucked Vegemite water bombs at me. They eventually had enough fun and left me alone. What made it worse was that there were teachers right there, and they did nothing. I had to wriggle out of the zip ties by myself. That very day was my graduation ceremony. I had to sit there with dried sticky cordial on my skin, probably some egg in my hair (I tried cleaning it off as much as I could with a hose but it wasn’t good enough). As the principal and the teachers congratulated my year for graduating and becoming fine gentleman and manly men. Because of this, idk if I can ever wear a dress or skirt in public without being terrified. That is my “male privilege”.

Hamilton as things my friends say

I’ve been saving these up for a while now, here it goes:

Alexander:  Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down, and I’d like to take a minute just sit right there, I’ll tell you how I became a total disaster

John Laurens: What? You think cuz I’m gay I talk about it all the time! I wear rainbow stuff daily! I make sure everyone knows I’m gay! Well I’ll have you know I’m not like that! *looks down and notices he’s wearing a pride shirt* uhhh *zips up jacket* 

Lafayette: Tis I! The Frenchiest Fry! The most Parisian Baguette! 

Hercules: *crocheting* I do this so I don’t kill people. I could so easily just stick this right into his eye! ….But I won’t, Imma make a scarf instead.

Burr: Here I am, just minding my own business, trying to go about life without wanting to jump off the nearest bridge, then OUT POPS THIS MOTHERFUCKER!

Thomas: It seems that my expertise is not appreciated here. Fine! I’ll just go somewhere else where people think my cooking is good and no one says shit about my coat! *stands up and pops coat collar dramatically* Are you coming or are you staying with these uncultured peasants?

James: Listen, I’m running on Dayquil and three cups of coffee and you want to start shit now?! I got out of bed for this! *Starts a coughing fit* ….I can’t wait to watch you all burn in hell. 

Angelica: I’m trying to be a good person. I keep my grades up, I try to help out my friends and family, geez, I put up with you lot for Heaven’s sake. Why can’t I just be rich, famous, and be with a smart, decent guy who likes me! 

Eliza: He was the biggest piece of shit I’ve ever met! And to think I thought I loved him. We had baby names and god parents picked out…. screw him! Allow me to explain, in song!~ *sings sad breakup songs while making everyone else in the room uncomfortable*

Peggy: Hey, here’s a little reminder for ya, I still exist! You never said any of this important gossip to me, you told my sisters and the rest of the damn WORLD, but not me….whatever, it’s fine. I don’t care anyways. 

Maria: I don’t deserve this! I never deserve any of this! I live with an asshole and he makes every day a living hell.

Philip: *showing everyone his injuries* You’re probably wondering how I got these. *Pulls up video from his go pro of him skateboarding down the street. Two pretty girls walk by and he gets distracted trying to flirt with them and show off that he doesn’t notice a parked car. He crashes into it and as the video gets blurry you hear loud cursing and the girls laughing* ….not my finest moment.

Lee: You don’t understand! I’m in crisis mode! I can’t handle this! *Shaves head*

Seabury: You damn well know my senpai is better than yours! My senpai will kick your senpai’s ass! *whispers* then maybe he’ll finally notice me….

Eacker: *talking shit* I’m not talking shit! How dare you say I’m talking shit! Fight me you punk!

Washington: Why don’t I have a say in being the dad friend? I don’t want to be the dad friend! I would never want to be the father of any of you!

King George III: Ew! Don’t touch me you filthy peasants! Don’t even go near me you disgusting swine! I am above you all! I am a King! I demand to be treated as su- *gets tripped by friend* *laying on floor dramatically* why must the world be so cruel….

Instruments as Things overheard in my Band

Flutes: “If I go to all-state, do you think I can get a wider audience for my impromptu solos?”

Clarinets: “ THAT’S IT, YOU AREN’T SMART ENOUGH!! I’M MAKING MY OWN NEW SECTION!”

Trombones: *taking our band photo* “QUICK! Somebody hold my leg!”

Saxophones: “D as in not bumble bee…”

Trumpets: *(when questioned by a section leader about locking himself in a practice room)*: “I was sick of your face, how is that MY fault?”

Tubas: “AP chem should count as self harm”

Drumline: “Which is bigger, Alpha or Beta?” “MY DICK”

Horns: “That band is good, look at their pit- I bet their chimes aren’t held together with zip-ties and tears, unlike some chimes I know.” *glares at percussion*