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Announcing Deafula #8: THE RELATIONSHIPS ISSUE.

The issue explores what it is like to be a deaf person married to a hearing person. I look at my past relationships with hearing persons and then trace the journey my hearing husband and I took to come to a place of mutual support and understanding when it came to my deafness.

When only one person has a disability in a relationship, it can complicate things. You want to retain your independence, but also be able to rely on that person in the way that partners do – except your version of “relying” looks a lot different than an abled bodied person’s does. Where is the line? What is “too much”? When do you move from “this is what partners do for each other territory” and into over-reliance and being a burden?

On all of this and more: ableism, protection, expectations, feeling like a burden, resentment, and the joy of mutual support. Includes a special Q&A with my partner (the light of my goddamn life!).

Quarter-legal-sized, 44 pages pages, photocopied, cut and paste. Cover art by Sara Bear. (Bonus pics above of me and the dude, himself). Getcher self a copy on etsy. 

Dropjaw

December, 1998. I am 16, nearly 17. I am in my bedroom, stretched out on the floor. I run my fingers over the crusty spot on the carpet - it’s there because I once wrote the name of a crush on a scrap of paper and set it on fire. It was some half-assed teenage magic; I hoped it would send some of my intense crush energy into the universe and the universe would then beam it to my crush, and they would know I liked them without my having to tell them. It didn’t work - all it did was burn part of the carpet and make my mom angry. I am stretched out on the floor, running my fingers over the crusty spot on the carpet. My room smells like vanilla incense and dust and the fermented sweat-stink of dirty clothes. There is a cup of coffee growing cold on my desk, and I think about getting up to get it, but I stay on the floor. I am thinking about my current crush and I am listening to this song, the perfect crush song by my current favorite Chicago band: Dropjaw, by The Broadways. From those sweet guitar harmonies at the beginning, to the words - seems like another wasted day. Sometimes I think I think too much. My heart just seems to run away. I thought of you. And then it all blasts in - fuck the whole world - sloppy, beautiful, loud, punk rock crush perfection, before fading out again with that sweet guitar. I want to put it on a mix for my crush, but I know it would make my feelings so obvious, and I have convinced myself that there’s no way my crush will ever be interested in me - no way that beautiful, cool them could like ugly, dorky me. If I gave them a tape with that song on it, it would make my feelings so obvious, and it would scare them away, and then we wouldn’t even be able to be friends. But I have to do something with this intense crush energy, or it will destroy me. I will myself up off the floor. I move the tonearm, drop the needle into the groove, and hit play, and the song starts over again. I sit down at my desk, take a sip of cold coffee, and begin to write. Since I can’t just tell my crush how I feel, since I can’t make them a mix, since I don’t want to set my carpet on fire again, I’ll write about them cryptically in my zine. This piece is dedicated to my crush, I write. Even though they don’t know who they are.

December, 2014. I am 32, nearly 33. I am sitting at my desk, staring at the screen. I tap my fingers rapidly on the desk, trying to channel some of my nervous energy. I have just gotten a message from my crush, and I’m debating whether I should reply right away or wait a couple days so it doesn’t seem like all I do is sit around all day waiting to get messages from them. I feel ridiculous - we barely know each other, the message I got from them was in no way romantic or sexy - so why am I crushin’ so hard? Why does my stomach do a somersault every time I see: You have a new message from…? I fear that if I responded to their message right away, they’d somehow be able to sense the thoughts I’m having, so I decide to wait. I stare at the screen some more, look around the room. The Christmas tree next to my desk is twinkling, all white lights and shimmering garlands. The room smells like balsam fir incense and stale beer and coffee. There is a cup of coffee on my desk, growing cold. I take a sip, decide I need to hear some music. I’ve been going through the track lists of mixes I made as a teenager, and I made a playlist of songs that appeared frequently on mixes I made back then. I put it on shuffle. The second song, don’t it just figure, is Dropjaw. Fuck, it’s still the perfect crush song; it perfectly describes the way I am feeling, right this minute. I close my eyes and let the three-and-a-half minutes of music wash over me - sweet n’ loud, crushing. Every night I make a wish that I’ll see you tomorrow. I wish I could make a playlist for my crush and put this song on it, but it would make my feelings so obvious, and I have convinced myself that there’s no way my crush will ever be interested in me. But I have to do something with this intense crush energy, or it will destroy me. I highlight the song, hit play, and listen to it one more time. I open a new document on my computer. Since I can’t just tell my crush how I feel, since I can’t make them a playlist, since I don’t want to set the carpet on fire, I’ll write about them cryptically for a zine. So this piece - and that song - are dedicated to my crush. Even though they don’t know who they are.

-(Rust Belt) Jessie Lynn McMains; written in December 2014 for the Crush zine.

mix tape in your soul pt. two

you ever listen to a mix tape (or CD, or playlist - I forget sometimes that it’s 2015 and almost no one makes mix tapes anymore) so many times that you get used to the songs in their relation to other songs on the mix? you know what I mean - you hear, say, “Jeepster” by T. Rex, and you expect to hear Johnny Thunders’ “All By Myself” right after. and when you don’t, it throws you off.

you ever wonder what happened to all the people who once made mixes for you? you ever think: well, they’re out of my life, but I still have the music? mix from _____. he carved that into the cassette, but he may as well have carved it into your fucking soul.

I wrote this today and then made it look like a zine page even though it’s not going in a zine. (Though I may do something else with it…)

The original “mix tape in your soul” is here, if you’re curious.

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Pollen, 2015 - 5x7″, 32 pages

I’m finally done with my new zine for MoCCA Fest 2015 called Pollen! It contains 27 original drawings of flowers and animals from around the world and is printed in full color!

AND if you drop by the festival this weekend, I’m also doing little cut-outs on the back cover of every zine! Also to promote the zine, I’m taking commissions to do bird drawings like this and this!

New zine!! Complicating Veganism is a compilation zine edited by Nicole Davis and Clementine Morrigan. Eleven contributors complicate veganism by considering it in conjunction with disordered eating, mental health, trauma, sexual violence, autism, intersectionality, capitalism, colonialism, food justice, fat activism, sexual orientation and other topics. The goal of this zine is to undermine the single-issue oriented approach that much vegan activism takes, to call into question oppressive tactics that vegan activism uses and to open up the conversation about veganism in a way that is complex, intersectional and focused on justice. We are also seeking submissions for a second issue to continue the conversation. This zine will be up for sale at http://clementinemorrigan.com/store #zines #vegan #veganism #complicatingveganism #foodjustice

(via Dear Mom zine 1 Preorders by Allmymetaphors on Etsy)

The first in my series! This zine is a collection of submissions from all over the world centered around the topic “Dear Mom.” It’s the result of months of hard work, and i am REALLY happy with how it turned out! With 26 submissions this is my biggest zine by FAR, and every page is packed with confessional, moving, and beautiful stories all about our moms. Pre-orders should be out within 2-3 weeks, and as always with preorders, this comes with two limited-edition stickers that wont be available again! If you don’t get to the pre-orders in time don’t worry! Regular orders will be up as soon as this goes out! And then work will start on book #2, with the 2nd batch of submissions! Thank you so much to everyone who has been a part of this process. I hope you all love this zine, and get as much out of reading it as I got out of putting it together!

As always, I need a lil help with getting enough money together to get the copies made, so if you guys buy preorders it would really mean a lot! Im sorry this is more expensive than my other zines but it’s REALLY BIG and has A LOT OF TEXT so i had no other choice im sorrY!!