Rating M- very M….
We decided to end it two months ago. Things got too confusing. Not to mention the scandal grew out of hand with new witnesses spilling their guts everyday. The reports were eating her alive.
It’s been about a week since I saw her last. I helped her get a place in the city. Something comfortable, not too much noise so she could sleep. The pills were my fault. Everything was my fault.
“Where do you want these?” I asked carrying another box from the hall. It was a nice place. Very open. Lots of windows. Good. She loves sunlight.
“In that room- that I don’t know quite what to call it yet- because this place is too big- that room-” She was short with me these days. But in that cute way. As if she was allowing us to be friendly.
"You’ve seen bigger.“ I winked.
We loved each other- still. That would never go away I’m sure of it. We fought so hard for this. To be together. It was crazy to begin with, but we knew that- and did it anyway.
It’s like when your friend dares you to do something stupid, and right before you’re about to do it they start shouting- "hey man we were just kidding! Are you crazy? You’re going to kill yourself!” Well they were right. I jumped head first into loving her. We were wrong for each other. Using bodies, manipulating minds, giving the other what we wanted most- and expecting even more in return.
She was inspiration. I was- something else. Our love was toxic. Everyone loves a good toxic romance- makes everything more exciting- makes everything burn. I’d breath in her chemicals till the end of time if I could- but our radiation levels were already off the charts. She’d kill herself soon. Or worse- I’d kill her. Don’t think for a second that I wouldn’t kill to have something like Sid and Nancy- and we were so close.
I set the box down, thankful that it was the last one. “Anything else I can do you for?” She was cutting open some boxes marked bedroom, pulling out sheets and pillows- was everything an ascetic?
“I think I’m all set. This really is too much- but you knew that.” I did. But material things didn’t matter. Id buy her an island if she wanted one- It wouldn’t change anything.
“Well then I’d better be heading out. Press tomorrow- then off touring again.” My head started spinning going through the schedule I had set up for the next few weeks. She questioned-
“Watch it- you’re going to cut yourself with that. It’s just tape."
"Wouldn’t that be something."
"Why would you say that?"
"You’ve got a thing for blood.”
“I’ve got a thing for you- not hurting yourself."
"That’s what I have you for.”
The game was over. We both struck nerves. I started to gather my things when she grabbed my wrist.
"I don’t have my pills."
Translation, "I need you to fuck me into a comma because that’s the only way I’ll be able to sleep tonight.”
Her mattress laid on the floor- the frame would come in sometime next week- but there was something so intimate about its position. Moonlight illuminating it like we reached a check point- if we were so wrong together, why did the universe set up such beautiful opportunities?
I laid her down. She’d been kissing me frantically, trying to get drunk off me so she’d forget what was going on. But I had a different plan. I carefully placed myself in the crook of her neck, sucking on every inch I could reach while whispering in her ear-
"I watched you- with Namjoon. *huff* I saw how he loved you-“ she moaned, "how he gave you want you needed.” She gripped me tighter drawing blood. “I’d like to try.” She stopped. Complete silence crashed through the room. Our eyes locked- breathing still heavy- she started to cry. God I love it when she cried.
Holding her head steady, I kissed the tears laying on her cheeks tenderly, trying to wash away everything I did. Maybe she’d forget for just a little while.
“I want you to know- *kiss- I’d do this all over again- *moan- I wanted to die with you baby- ”
Id never said anything like that before. I’d never been so honest, not even in my music. I did want to die with her, but we hadn’t even started living yet-
“We did die baby-” she whispered softly, wiping the tears for my eyes. She was right. And now she needed to be reborn. Into the person she truly is. And so did I.
Hands traveling downwards, feeling every inch of skin. taking in her scent one last time. She was shaking from all the emotions and our intimacy. We’d never been this close before. Never touched like this. I didn’t know I could be so gentle with her.
There were no bites or bruises. We were exposing more than our bodies tonight. I think we both needed to feel human together to know that in someway all the pain had been worth it.
“Don’t take your eyes off me, okay?” I asked. I asked her to do this last thing for me. I didn’t command, or force her. I wanted her to want to look at me while I made love to her. I wanted her to know how vulnerable she made me. This wasn’t to make her stay. This was for us, 10 years from now, passing each other on the street and being able to say hello- you look well- I want you to meet- and then we’d smile and remember our last moments together, how beautifully toxic we were.
Back arching, I entered her not losing eye contact. Our moans were in unison, our tears boiling on our skin.
“I love you."
"Maybe we could-"
"You know we can’t."
I rocked deeper into her on my last sentence, holding her hips steady so she knew I didn’t want to say it, but it was right. She knew it. I started to feel her contracting around me while I held her tighter and tighter. Making sure she felt safe. Her lips were so soft trailing over my skin, our eye never too far out of sight. She started to draw shapes into my shoulders while my my hands tangled into her hair.
"Let go baby- ” I knew it would send her over. I felt her walls suffocate me with pleasure as I rode her out. Her moans were sweet and breathless, I was so lost in her-
No. She couldn’t have. It was me this time. I was making her feel loved. It was me who was there for her- when she called at 2am- telling me about a fight she had with her mom. How she needed a place to go. How I was always there for her, even when I wasn’t. How could she. In our last moments, how could she think of him.
Rage boiled something monstrous inside me. I was no longer in control of my actions. My hands traveled to her throat. I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t let her take another breath. My grip tightened as she kicked and hit me, a waterfall of tears soaking her body.
"Jiho- ” she managed to mouth the word. I snapped back. Releasing my grip, gazing at the red marks that would do more than scar her skin.
What was that. Jealously? I did this for her. She wanted this. She couldn’t handle me anymore. I couldn’t let her go.
The only thing I could think of to do, was run. Run far away. Out of her apartment, through the streets, back to my place. After getting dressed of course. I couldn’t see. Water blinded me. I could feel my chest rise and fall rapidly, half from sprinting home, the other for what I’d done. I left her there. Alone. In pain. Real pain.
I picked up my phone swallowing my pride. I needed to make sure she was okay.
I hung up. Throwing my phone against the wall, I knew I could never see her again. There’s no way he’d let me near her.