zeus grants stupid wishes

Review of the book Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes by Cody O’Brien.

To sum up this book in a single sentence - “What would happen is Deadpool wrote a mythology book.”

Yeah, this guy-

Originally posted by imagines-everywhere

Wrote a book. Here are some examples of why I think this.

GREEK MYTHOLOGY 

The Greek creation myth.

The story of Hephaestus god of Blacksmithing and Aphrodite Goddess of Love.

The story of the Minotaur. 

NORSE MYTHOLOGY

Norse creation myth.

Odin orders Loki to steal Freyja’s necklace. He does. This is so in character for both of them Freyja instantly knows who to blame.  

EGYPTIAN MYTHOLOGY

Ra gets mad at humanity and creates Sekhmet Lion Goddess of Killing Stuff. 

How Isis retrieves her huband’s coffin from the support pillar it got stuck inside.

MAYAN MYTHOLOGY

How to try and kill the god Zipacna and fail. 

CHRISTIANITY MYTHOLOGY

How God made Eve from Adam’s rib. 

The story of how King Solomon judges proper maternal instinct. 

HINDU MYTHOLOGY

Men ask Shiva to stop Kali’s murder rampage.

And this is how he does it. 

JAPANESE MYTHOLOGY

The Goddess Izanami gives birth to the whole island of Japan. 

A story about Tanuki.

AFRICAN MYTHOLOGY

Creation myth

SUMERIAN MYTHOLOGY

Creation myth

The Epic of Gilgamesh: Being born

The Epic of Gilgamesh: Meeting his best friend.

NATIVE AMERICAN MYTHOLOGY


Do I really need to explain why I feel the Merc with a mouth was involved in the retelling here?

Adam is like “What? No, God said if we ate that then we would die or something.”

And Eve is like “Uhhh … totally still alive over here.”

And Adam is like “Okay, fair point.”

So he eats the apple

and suddenly both of them realize HOW INCREDIBLY NAKED THEY ARE

THIS IS WHAT THE TREE DOES

IT LETS YOU KNOW YOU’RE NAKED

THE MYTHICAL TREE OF KNOWLEDGE OF GOOD AND EVIL

COULD HAVE BEEN EASILY REPLACED

BY A FIVE-DOLLAR MIRROR FROM A COLOMBIAN BROTHEL

So they make themselves some clothes, ‘cause they’re embarrassed

and then God wakes up from one of his meganaps

and he’s like “HEY

WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU YOU WERE NAKED?”

See, this was his big plan.

His big plan was just to look at naked people all day.

Now the plan is ruined so he responds in the rational way

which is to put curses on everybody and then kick them out of his garden.

He causes the serpent to have to crawl on its belly forever

apparently forgetting that this is what SERPENTS DO ALL THE TIME

and he curses Eve to undergo tremendous pain during childbirth

because apparently he is able to imagine some crazy parallel universe

where pushing something the size of a screaming football out of your vag

is somehow NOT INCREDIBLY PAINFUL

— 

Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No Bullshit Guide to World Mythology

I always wondered about that last part tbh. In what world would having a human exit a bodily orifice NOT be painful.

:P

ZEUS GRANTS STUPID WISHES

I just got this book, a guide to world mythology, and it’s hilarious. Just a sample:

KING SOLOMON AND THE DISPOSABLE BABY

So there’s this king named Solomon.

It doesn’t really matter what he’s king of.

You know how it was in Bible times.

Kings all over the place.

But the thing about Solomon

is that unlike most of the kings who were all over the place in Bible times

Solomon is INCREDIBLY WISE.

Observe:

So one of the things a king used to have to do

was to sit in a room

while people shouted their problems at him

and then solve the problems using his king powers.
So one day, Solomon is doing this

and two ladies walk in with a dead baby, a live baby

and a SERIOUS DOOZY OF A PROBLEM.

One woman is like “Hey, Solomon

I gave birth to this healthy baby five days ago

but then my bitch of a roommate

gave birth to a DEAD baby two days later

and she thought it would be a good idea

to pull some Indiana Jones shit

and switch my live baby for her dead one.

Make her give me my baby back.”

And the other woman is like “Nuh-uh!

this is totally my baby

your baby DIED because you are a terrible parent.”

So Solomon is like “Hmm, this is a tough one.

Oh wait, no, it’s not. I have swords.

Hey, guards

cut the baby in half

give a piece to each of these ladies.

PROBLEM SOLVED.”

And the first lady is like “Jesus Christ

just give her the baby.

What is wrong with you?”

And the second woman is like

“DIBS ON THE TOP HALF.”

And Solomon is like “Ah-HAH!

The baby must belong to the first lady

because mothering instincts generally prevent people

from agreeing to bisect their babies

and even if the first lady ISN’T the mother

the baby should still probably go to the woman who is NOT WILLING TO CUT IT WITH SWORDS.

Seriously, lady

what were you even planning on doing with the top half of a baby?

You’ve already got 100 percent of a dead baby

no questions asked.

What are you, making a casserole?

Case dismissed.”

So the moral of the story

is that you should always do a background check

on all your potential roommates.

“So one night Uranus is about get busy with Gaia again
I guess so he can father another baby and then stuff it back into her
but instead of getting sex he gets a SURPRISE PENISECTOMY
Cronus all jumping out from behind a rock like "HAHA, GOT YOUR DICK, DAD”
which is something no son should ever have to say to his father
Then Uranus’s dick falls into the ocean and makes a whole ton of foam
and that is where Aphrodite comes from eventually
from dick foam.
You know that painting with her standing on the shell with all the
angels and stuff?
Dick foam.
All of it"
—  –Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes
So I bought this book...

Maybe you’ve heard of it. If you haven’t, check it out because it is hilarious.

 

It pretty much sums up some mythology and here are some snippets

 

Thor loses Mjolnir and him and Loki dress up as women later on

Adam and Eve are stupid little shits

Cain invented murder and God wants to have a bbq

The Norse are metal, Ra has sex with himself, the Mayans have the most brutal calendar, God makes a lot of stuff, Shiva cannot be stopped and the ancient Sumerians knew how to party.

Nope, I do not regret buying this at all.

As a big fan of Greek and Roman mythology, when I first saw this book on tumblr I immediately decided that I needed it. I absolutely do not regret this purchase! O'Brien uses what I would call “internet speech” to describe some of the most important myths of various cultures. The result is humorous but also educational and informative? It’s weird how these things work out sometimes… Also I now have a new favorite website- check out bettermyths.com (click the photo!)

The Norse are METAL

Because I said I would post something from this the other day but internet fallings are going on at my house. Here’s the beginning of “The Norse are METAL" from Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes by Cory O'Brien.

—-

So you might already know the way the Greeks
     thought the world got made
and also the Romans
because the Romans are goddamn copycatters
and maybe you have listened to some scientists
or some creation scientists
and you know one or two other ways.
Listen
I want you to forget everything you know about
    creation myth
because this myth
is going to BLOW YOUR DICK OFF FROM PURE
      WONDERMENT
and if you do not have a dick
it is going to SEW ONE ON
and then IMMEDIATELY BLOW IT OFF.
Wanna know why? 
because it’s NORSE MYTHOLOGY TIME.
SHIT YEAH.

So to start out, the world is already pretty badass.
It is just two things:
ONe is a sea of pure all-devouring fire called Muspell
guarded by a duded named Surt who is just WAITING
to ride out and murder all the gods
and then set the world on fire.
By comparison, the other half of the world is pretty
     lame.
It is just a whole bunch of ice called Niflheim.
But the best part
is that in between Muspell and Niflheim
there is a big-ass trench called Ginnungagap
which is empirically prove
to be the number one funnest thing to say.
Go ahead and say it. I’ll wait.

Pretty soon [Odin] sees him a giant, so he walks up to this giant like “Hey, bro, what’s your name?”
And the giant is like “I AM VAFTHRUDNIR, WISEST GIANT EVER.”
Odin has heard about this dude and he knows he’s not bullshitting, so he’s like “Oh damn, I am in luck. Wanna hook me up with some wisdom?”
And Vafthrudnir is like “OKAY, BUT FIRST ANSWER SOME RANDOM TRIVIA AND IF YOU ANSWER WRONG, I GET TO CUT OFF YOUR HEAD.”
This may seem strange, but actually this is just how they play Trivial Pursuit in Sweden.
—  Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes (Cory O'Brien)