zeus wife

(I have no idea what happened to my scanner, but the colours looked awful. I tried to adjust the drawing digitally). Anyway, here’s another character design for my Hades and Persephone comic project: Hera, goddess of marriage and maternity. She’s a wildly mistreated/ ridiculed character, but I always imagined her as a goddess who beared a lot of suffering and despite her appearance as a little bit of an arrogant matron, she’s very emotional (both in a positive and a negative way).

My love for Captain Swan is as vast as the star filled sky...

as is Killian Jones’ and Emma Swan’s love for each other ♥ 

Originally posted by thedreamslife

Come what may tonight, Captain Swan is my OTP forever. I will remain here in this fandom, I am here for all things positive,  and I will continue to give Colin my support next season. 

Originally posted by iwillfindyouhook

Ode to my OTP Captain Swan

You were my first, and you’ll be my last. 
I love you too much to put you in the past.
Instead I’ll forever keep you on your pedestal,
Where you make my shipper heart so very, very full.

Originally posted by bloomshells

As I sat here and looked through a ton of gifs for this post, because I don’t make my own, I realized there were an infinite amount of moments Killian Jones and Emma Swan shared. I saw the depth of their love, the development of their characters and their relationship, the devotion that came to be, a love so boundless, a love that started as a necessary partnership and soared to heights unimaginable. I could continue at great length but I’ll spare anyone who might read this. What I took away from this though is that most canon ships couldn’t dream of this magical perfection, and most fans don’t ever get the likes of what we have gotten to experience with Captain Swan. It occurs to me that no matter what happens tonight, or next season, nothing can take away from this ship, they are an unstoppable force. Nothing will change the fact that they are having a happy beginning where they will live happily ever after… nothing.   

Originally posted by ceeyoutea

Originally posted by fuckyeahkillianemma

Originally posted by stop-this-pain

Originally posted by captainswan-hooked

Originally posted by moan-s

Originally posted by someone-like-robsten

Originally posted by searchingjedi

Originally posted by swanemma

Originally posted by royalconsortkillian

Originally posted by soggyhook

Originally posted by lumadreamland

Originally posted by dailycsgifs

Originally posted by emmandhook

KILLIAN JONES and EMMA SWAN, They do make Quite the True Love, Zeus Approved, Husband and Wife Team.  

anonymous asked:

[gay character] has just upset the gods with their unrelenting sass. to teach them a lesson the gods make them straight. hilarity ensues.

put a prompt in my inbox!

“You have got to be joking,” said Marcus, horrified.

Zeus leaned back in his throne. There was an expression of great smugness on his face. He looked like a cat that had got not just the cream, but the sardines as well, followed by a plateful of pâté de foie gras and tenderised steak. “’Fraid not,” he said, cheerfully. “What was it you said again? ‘Do your worst’? Well, this is it. How does it feel?”

“I honestly can’t believe,” said Marcus, “that you would stoop this low. This is – this is – ”

“Cruel? Barbaric? Morally corrupt?” Zeus supplied.

“Yes! All of those things!”

“Now, now,” Zeus said. “Don’t ruin this with compliments.” He gave Marcus a thoroughly nasty grin. “So. What’s the first thing you’re planning on doing, now you’ve crossed the stream?”

“Crossed the – I haven’t crossed anything!”

“I’m sorry to break this to you,” Zeus said, “but it’s a little late for denial at this stage. The deed is done, my friend. The line is drawn. Welcome to the other side! We’ve got everything you could possibly want. Beer, strip clubs, compulsory masculinity…”

“But I don’t want any of that stuff!”

“You say that now,” Zeus said. “Just you wait. You’ll be shagging lovely maidens and knocking back tankards of ale before you know it. Which reminds me – you never answered my question. What’s on the agenda?”

Marcus sank down slowly on a grassy bit of the mountain, mind racing. There had to be a way out of this. Adrian was always telling him he could talk his way out of anything, wasn’t he? Well – now was the chance to prove that, for once and for all. But how did you persuade an all-powerful deity to go back on his word? How the hell did you outthink a god?

And then it came to him.

“Well,” he said, with studied casualness. “I was thinking of starting with your wife.”

Zeus was silent for a full five seconds. Then he said, “I beg your pardon.”

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anonymous asked:

Hello! I'm interested in Hellenic Polytheism but I'm not sure who I should worship, and tips?

Hellenic polytheism is a religion centered around pantheon worship so I an always going to advise at least trying to involve the entire family of Greek gods in your worship. The ancient Hellenes saw their gods as encompassing the whole of creation, and choosing to only worship one or two deities as opposed to the whole pantheon would have been akin to removing pieces from a puzzle and claiming that the finished product is a complete picture.

That being said, it is a daunting task to be sure. There are hundreds of gods, primordial deities, titans, nature spirits, daimons, heroes, and ancestors in Hellenic polytheism, and sifting through everything can seem pretty overwhelming. So I have a couple tips for easing that process.

1: Start with the traditional Dodekatheon (the Twelve Olympians). This is a misnomer, as the number of Olympians, and who was counted among them changed depending on who in Greece you asked, and where and when you asked it. However, traditionally, the Twelve included Zeus, his wife Hera, his siblings Poseidon, Demeter, and Hestia, his children Athena, Apollon, Artemis, Hermes, Ares, Hephaestus, and Aphrodite. Haides and Persephone are normally recognized as well, but are given offerings as khthonic deities rather than as ouranic deities. You may then start to add deities as you come to know the pantheon.

2: Start with traditional household worship. Make regular offerings to Hestia, the Agathos Daimon, Hekate, Zeus and Hera, etc. and include each member of the pantheon throughout the month on feast days. You can find an up-to-date calendar on Hellenion’s website, and start right away.

3: Start with a deity of your choice (Zeus is a good start, but you may also choose Hestia or your patron*) then branch out like a family tree. For instance, I work at a bank, so my patron is currently Hermes, the God of Commerce. So let’s say I want to honor Hermes. Then I decide to honor his parents, Zeus and Maia. Then, because I’m honoring Zeus, I might as well honor his wife, Hera. Then their children, Ares, Hebe, Eileithyia, Enyo, and Hephaestus. And I might as well honor the rest of Zeus’s kids, since they’re Hermes’s brothers and sisters, and you see how quickly you end up including everyone (this is the easiest method, in my opinion).

*a “patron” god is the god who rules over your profession, not someone who you choose in the same fashion as many newbies are used to.

Imagine when Hades asked Zeus for help with Persephone.

HADES: hey Zeus you know Demeter’s daughter? Persephone?

ZEUS: Yes….

HADES: Help me make her my wife.

ZEUS: ummm….. the goddess of springtime? That’s who you’re going with?

HADES: You locked me out of Olympus do me this one favor.

ZEUS: Fine whatever

HADES: Thank you. Now how do women work?

ZEUS: That takes too much time just kidnap her.

HADES: …… Well if that’s how to charm girls.

Signs as women in Greek mythology~

Aries: Athena 

(Goddess of wisdom, courage, inspiration, civilization, law and justice, mathematics, olive cultivation, strength, war strategy, the arts, crafts, and skill)

Taurus: Aphrodite

(Greek goddess of love, beauty, pleasure, and procreation)

Gemini: Eris

(goddess of chaos, strife and discord)

Cancer: Gaia

(the personification of the Earth; Gaia was the great mother of all)

Leo: Arachne

(a mortal woman and talented weaver who challenged Athena, goddess of wisdom and crafts, and was transformed into a spider)

Virgo: Briseis

(was a mythical queen in Asia Minor at the time of the Trojan War. Her character lies at the heart of a dispute between Achilles and Agamemnon that drives the plot of Homer’s Iliad)

Libra: Psyche

(A former mortal woman and goddess of the soul in Greek mythology. She is the wife of Eros (Cupid) and the mother of Hedone)

Scorpio: Medusa

(Medusa was originally a ravishingly beautiful maiden, “the jealous aspiration of many suitors,” but because Poseidon had raped her in Athena’s temple, the enraged Athena transformed Medusa’s beautiful hair to serpents and made her face so terrible to behold that the mere sight of it would turn onlookers to stone)

Sagittarius: Helen of Troy

(In Greek myths, she was considered the most beautiful woman in the world. By marriage she was Queen of Laconia, a province within Homeric Greece, the wife of King Menelaus. Her abduction by Paris, Prince of Troy, brought about the Trojan War )

Capricorn: Demeter

(goddess of corn, grain, and the harvest)

Aquarius: Hera

(Zeus’ wife and sister, and was raised by the Titans Oceanus and Tethys. She was the supreme goddess, patron of marriage and childbirth, having a special interest in protecting married women)

Pisces: Persephone

(daughter of Zeus and the harvest goddess Demeter, and is the queen of the underworld; abducted by and married Hades)

The Tale of Harecules

So earlier today I got bored and was looking through old Hercules au art. And then I wrote this. Enjoy :)

@trashasaurusrex @judylavernehopps

Long ago, the world was ruled by almighty powers. Merciless, omnipotent, capricious beings full of arrogance. These hateful Titans ruled unchallenged, preying upon the land and it’s denizens, draining it of resources and leaving their subjects to starve and die while they sat in the luxury of their realms, leaving only to sow more terror among the land. But that would soon change. These beings, while almost invincible, made one tragic mistake. One careless, unconsidered action which brought about their downfall. They reproduced. Except, their offspring was different, unlike them, possessing fur, teeth, and claws, the aspects of ordinary mammals, but the powers of their parents. These Titans soon realized their mistake, but it was too late. Their children, led by the mighty lion Zeus, cast them out. They locked their parents in a pit of inescapable darkness entombed beneath the ocean floor and deep in the underworld: Tartarus. Not only were the Titans incapable of breaking free from their prison, Tartarus was only accessible when all the planets aligned, and then only for a few moments. The Titans had fallen and their children became the Gods, far more benevolent and kind beings, happy to help their subjects so long as an appropriate sacrifice was made. However, much like their parents, the Gods made several mistakes. The worst of which was that of Zeus, the fearless leader who finally cast out the Titans. As the eldest of his three brothers and the most powerful, he christened himself lord of the skies, the most powerful of the gods. He gifted the domain of the ocean to his brother Poseidon, who was a mighty sea lion and greatly appreciated his brother’s gift. And then there was Hades. The runt. The baby. The weird one. Hades’ domain was to be the underworld, a dark and desolate place where the souls of the dead gathered in droves, forever circling in a bottomless pool. Zeus and the rest of the Gods receded to the heavens to build Mount Olympus, an inspiring and wondrous edifice that was beautiful beyond comprehension. Hades was left to the Underworld. To his dark palace. To his schemes. He vowed revenge upon his brothers and the other gods for the way that they had wronged him. He would take his revenge and bring about the downfall of the Gods! And much like the downfall of the Titans, it all began with a child.

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Greek Mythology Moodboard - Artemis was the goddess of chastity, virginity, the hunt, the moon, and the natural environment.
She was the daughter of Zeus and Leto, twin sister of Apollo. She was born on the island of Ortygia, where Leto had found shelter after being hunted by the lawful wife of Zeus, Hera. As soon as Artemis was born, she helped her mother give birth to her twin brother, thereby becoming the protector of childbirth and labour. She asked her father to grant her eternal chastity and virginity, and never gave in to any potential lovers; devoted to hunting and nature, she rejected marriage and love. She was the protector of nature and the hunt; both wild and tame animals were under her protection. She also protected the agriculture and animal herding.

Trivia Round 1
  1. Who is Zeus’ wife?

  2. What is the name of Athena’s Roman counterpart?

  3. Nike is the goddess of what?

  4. Aphrodite’s son, Love, is named what?

  5. How many Fates are there?

  6. The Caduceus is the symbol of what god?

  7. Diana’s Greek counterpart is who?

  8. Who threw Hephaestus off of Olympus?

  9. Who is the Goddess of War, Conquest and Peace?

  10. True or False: Romans sacrificed bulls to Neptune.


anonymous asked:

THE BIRTH OF DIONYSUS please please oh please!! (thank you)

If you’d only said ‘please’ twice, you would have sealed your fate and been doomed to never hear this myth retold. It was the third ‘please’ that did it.

Anyone who doesn’t want to read a badly told myth about a man causing a woman to explode and then harvesting her womb-fruit and ripening it in his leg should press J on their keyboard now as this is quite a long post, but honestly, if you don’t want to read that story, then I doubt you’re much fun at parties. 

Historical information under the Read More, as always.

A long, long time ago, there lived a scallywag named Zeus, and by ‘scallywag’ I mean ‘the original Robin Thicke’, because really. This dude will stop at nothing. If this dude were alive in the 21st century, you can bet he’d have a Vine account with videos of him catcalling random women and then saying ‘lad’ to himself while shaking his head fondly and drinking a Starbucks frappuccino. Unfortunately, he lives in Ancient Greece, which means he’s limited to using his godly powers to manipulate women into having sex with him, because apparently buying flowers just doesn’t do it for Zeus, and neither does being faithful to his wife.

One day, Zeus is doing his usual thing and just surveying the open plains of Greece, looking for a fine lady to hit on or impregnate, and he sees this absolutely ludicrously attractive woman named Semele and his jaw drops open and his pulse starts racing and he’s like “damn, I think this is love, or at least an erection” and he rushes down to Earth to get him a slice of that fleeting mortal pie.

He decides that the best way to avoid imminent death at the hands of his (totally justifiably) angry wife would definitely be to make himself invisible, even though he is basically top of the list of ineligible bachelors of Mount Olympus and has gained this very official position by transforming himself into anything he wants and then laying down some quality dick in the guise of a woman’s husband, or as a swan, because I guess that’s just what does it for some people. Anyway, Zeus makes himself invisible and he flies down to Semele and he sort of stands next to her, leaning casually against like a barnyard wall or something for a few seconds before he remembers that she can’t see him and so his sultry bedroom eyes are totally wasted, and then he’s like “do you believe in intense physical arousal at first sight?” and Semele is like “well, I don’t really know, it’s kind of hard to tell seeing as you’re invisible”.

Zeus says “well, you make a valid point, but if I had a body then it would be that of a god, and I don’t mean that in the sense that my abs are rippling like the Aegean sea, although that is also true” and Semele is like “are you saying that you’re a god?” and Zeus is like “your comprehension skills are second only to your leg to torso ratio, that is exactly what I’m saying” and Semele says “I would like just a shred more proof if that’s OK, I mean it’s quite a hard claim to substantiate” and Zeus says “how about I give you the best fifteen minutes of your life, maybe half an hour if you’re lucky and the stars are in alignment, and hey, it’s your lucky day because I just aligned them” and Semele is like “well, I’ve studied all the available evidence, and I am suitably convinced that you are a god. Let us make sweet love” and then she makes good on her word and they get down to doing exactly what was agreed in their binding verbal contract.

While all this is going on, Hera is watching from above, but not because she has a fetish or anything; she’s just basically scheduled Zeus’ infidelity into her daily routine at this point, and at 3pm every afternoon she makes it her mission to stop Zeus from breaking his marital vows and sometimes she keeps it real by slaughtering the innocent children born of Zeus’ inability to just keep it in his pants, because vengeance is a dish best served with infanticide.

So, Hera disguises herself as an old woman (which Zeus could totally have done but it probably wouldn’t have had the desired effect) and goes to find Semele and stop her from laying it all over her man, and when she gets to Semele’s house she’s all “so, you think you’re bumping and grinding with a god, huh?” and Semele is like “yeah, I’m pretty sure that I am” and Hera’s all “how do you know?” and Semele says “mostly it’s the fact that he’s invisible and also he definitely fucks like a god, if you get my drift” and then Hera is like “please, don’t make me laugh, I’m actually embarrassed for you right now, like there’s a single tear running down my cheek, but it’s not because I’m mourning my tattered marriage, you’re just making me want to cry with how lame you are" and Semele is like “what do you mean, I’m getting a quality afternoon every few weeks out of it” and Hera says “yeah, but he’s lying to you! If he were a god, he wouldn’t be invisible, he’d be totally proud and body confident and you’d be able to make love with the lights on like I used to do with my husband before I caught him fucking his sister, and by his sister I mean the sister who isn’t me” and Semele is like “firstly, can you just wait here while I go and vomit everywhere, and secondly, do you think I should ask him to show himself?” and Hera is like “hell no, you don’t ask, you demand” and Semele says “I’ve always wanted to act as a misogynistic contemporary marker of the perceived problems of strong minded women in Greek society, I’m totally gonna do that” and Hera is like “you go girl” and she leaves.

The next time Zeus comes to visit Semele for some saucy afternoon delight, he’s all “I’m here, I’ve disappeared, I’m proud, let’s get down to it” but Semele just isn’t having any of it, and she fixes him with a stern look, except she can’t actually see him so she probably ends up just staring daggers at the wall, which almost certainly doesn’t have the intended effect but totally does the trick anyway, and she says “I have decided to renege upon my previous conviction that you are a god” and Zeus just pouts and he’s like “look, even though that is literally the easiest claim in the world to prove, I have absolutely no idea how to convince you that it’s true” and Semele just pretends to think for a while and then she says “well, how about you promise to do one thing that I ask you to do, which is at least one more thing than you’ve ever promised your wife” and Zeus is like “yeah, yeah, I swear on the River Styx that I will grant you whatever you ask of me, but I want to make it really clear that this is a one time deal because I’m a free spirit who can’t be tamed and I won’t be dictated to by any woman, except sometimes my wife when she does that thing with her eyebrows" 

and so he’s all “so, what do you want? Do you want me to conjure up a pair of exquisite pearl earrings from thin air?” and Semele is like “no” and Zeus says “do you want me to transform myself into David Gandy?” and Semele is like “I really wish I could say yes, but no” and so Zeus just shrugs and says “well, I’m all out of ideas, what do you want?” and Semele replies “I want you to come to me like you came to Hera on your wedding night”

Semele is oblivious to it, but Zeus’ face just falls and he’s like “by that, do you mean that you want me to turn up three hours late smelling like a woodland nymph and then let you throw plates at my head and call me a no-good whoreson, because I will allow this but I won’t enjoy it” and Semele shakes her head and says “no, I want you to reveal yourself to me” and Zeus crosses his fingers and hopes for the best and says “do you mean you want to see the lightning rod in all its splendour?” and Semele nods and says “yes, but the actual one, not just your code name for your dick” and Zeus slumps his shoulders and says “I literally gave you two attempts to back out of this, like are you aware that humans can’t lay eyes upon gods? Why do you think I made myself invisible, because it sure wasn’t due to my underlying body issues; I have the body of a god, and that’s exactly the problem” and Semele pulls her best scorned woman face and says “if you loved me, you’d do it” and Zeus is like “if I loved you I’d explode you with my godly splendour?! Well, ex-fucking-cuse me if I don’t consider vapourising women with my multidimensional face to be the pinnacle of romantic gestures, women are so hard to please these days, I knew I should have got Hera more than just some gas station flowers and herpes for our anniversary, I should clearly have exploded her instead”.

In a crash of thunder that can be heard for literally a very long distance, Zeus casts off his invisibility and reveals his true godly form to Semele, and Semele is all “wow, you weren’t lying, you really were a god! This is great, this explains so much”, except she only actually gets as far as ‘w’ because she’s immediately burnt to a fucking crisp by the blinding brilliance of Zeus’ lightning-clad true form, and Zeus just looks down at the smouldering black spot on the ground where Semele once stood and says “that went exactly as I expected”

except there’s a twist in the tale, because Zeus looks down at the few charred scraps of Semele that remain, just sort of strewn about the place like throw cushions at Jeffrey Dahmer’s place, and he notices that her uterus is still intact, but not only is it intact, it’s wriggling like the self-referential opening scene to a more faithful sequel to Alien than Prometheus, and so he looks left and right to check that Hera isn’t watching and he grabs the wasted womb from the ground and rips it apart, and then he tears a gaping hole in his fucking thigh because you can say what you like about Zeus’ lack of decorum but he’s metal as fuck, and he shoves the still pulsating uterus inside the throbbing flesh of his thigh and he sews that shit back up with a really conveniently placed needle and thread, because that sort of thing was probably just lying around on the floor in those days, and then he goes home to his wife. 

When he gets home, Hera is like “why is there a poorly stitched wound on your thigh?” and Zeus is like “it’s just a scratch” and Hera blinks and she’s all “I can see it moving, Zeus” and Zeus says “well, I took a bath in the river, maybe it’s one of those tapeworm things” and Hera just raises an eyebrow and lets it slide, because if she’s learnt anything over the past few years of unsatisfactory marriage, it’s to let Zeus learn from his own mistakes. 

Except it turns out that Zeus’ act of battlefield surgery is actually anything but a mistake, because two months later that wound in his thigh is punched open from the inside and out rolls this baby, probably smoking a Woodbine and wearing hangover sunglasses, and Zeus just says “this is the most radical baby ever, I’m naming him Dionysus”, and then he looks at Hera and sees this look in her eyes that he immediately recognises as a desire for rampant infanticide, which is a look that he’s totally used to and probably just bored of at this point.

So, Zeus decides to put his marriage first for the first time in his life and he gives his rad new baby away to be raised by rain nymphs in Nysa, which all goes swimmingly until Dionysus grows up and discovers that ‘vine’ rhymes with 'wine’ for a reason and he descends into a lifestyle of ceaseless hedonism, ecstasy and chilling out with men who are 50% horse and 100% creepy.

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Echo was an Oread (a mountain nymph) who loved her own voice. Zeus loved consorting with beautiful nymphs and visited them on Earth often. Sometimes the young and beautiful nymph Echo would distract and amuse Zeus’ wife, Hera, with long and entertaining stories while Zeus took advantage of the moment to ravish the other mountain nymphs. When Hera discovered the trickery, she was cursed by the goddess with the voice of the echo, to only repeat the last words of what was said before, as a way of punishment. She was loved by the god Pan, and herself became enamoured of the boy Narcissus. Pan became so angry when she refused him he created such a panic causing a group of shepherds to kill her. Echo was torn to pieces and spread all over the Earth. The goddess of the earth, Gaia, received the pieces of Echo, whose voice remains repeating the last words of others.

anonymous asked:

can you do a retelling of the myth of persephone/proserpina/not persepolis/proroosoeprrpg? you could just call her persephone though w.e xx

Here is the myth of Not Persepolis. Those of you who want to skip a myth about the underworld getting a dandy makeover should press J on your keyboard now as this is quite a long post. I have no idea why you would want to skip such a bitchin’ story, though. 


Salient historical / literary info is to be found under the Read More, as always. There is a trigger warning for discussion of rape in this Read More.


Nice Guy Hades and Persephone Do Interior Design in Hell


A long time ago, in a quaint little town called Ancient Greece, there lived a goddess named Demeter, who is honestly only a supporting character in this whole saga, but is as good a place to start as any. Basically, Demeter is the goddess of the harvest, which sounds like the lamest thing ever to have on your CV, but when you think about it, it has some definite elements of radness. She’s not just your average Farmer Joe with two wives and a kid, she actually controls all the seasons and shit. All those times you’ve got your hair done and walked outside and immediately got pissed on by rain with the fury of a thousand marathon runners? Blame Demeter. Anyway, Demeter has a smokin’ hot daughter named Persephone, because Greek gods didn’t give two flying fucks about making names easy to type in a hurry, and Demeter and Persephone are totally cool with each other. Like, they’re basically Regina George and her mother in Mean Girls, but if Regina George’s father was also her uncle and her mother was also her aunt, because Greek gods also didn’t give two flying fucks about family trees that more closely resembled family circles.

Anyway, one day, Persephone is frolicking around in the lush green meadows of her earthy home, when suddenly this massive black chariot pulls up alongside her and this pale dude leans out of one of the windows and he’s wearing a fedora and sunglasses and a black tank top and he’s got this tattoo on his left bicep that says ‘DEATH: NOT BAD, JUST MISUNDERSTOOD’ and he looks at her over the top of his sunglasses and says “how you doin’” and Persephone shudders because the air has just got really cold and a bit deathy and also this guy is creepy and a bit deathy too, but he can’t take a hint at all and so he says “I’ve got a really great pick up technique that I learnt from this guy who’s currently banned in Australia, do you want to see it? I’m Hades, by the way, and I’m a nice guy really” and Persephone looks around nervously but she can’t see Demeter, who’s probably busy touching corn and shit, and so she just shrugs, and the guy leans out a bit further from his chariot and literally picks her up and throws her into the seat next to him and then the chariot sinks right down into the ground and suddenly they’re not in the lush green meadows any more, they’re in this horrible craggy wasteland that stinks of decomposition and armpits and there’s no natural light at all. Basically, they’re in a student bedroom. 

. Immediately, Persephone is like “you know what, that pick up line sucked, I am so not charmed by this” and Hades is like “welcome to Hades, bitch” and Persephone is like “did you really name this place after yourself” and Hades is like “who even knows, really, but it’s a fucking rad name, right?” and Persephone is like “are those fingers hanging from the wall?” and Hades is like “yeah, it’s my festive bunting” and Persephone nods slowly and says “and is that lampshade made from a severed head?” and Hades is like “two, actually, I got a dead maid to sew them together into a grotesque parody of that tragedy / comedy mask and I think it’s pretty bitchin’” and Persephone is like “well, that’s all well and good, but do you honestly expect me to live here? I mean, there’s literally a sofa made out of decomposing feet over there”  and Hades pouts and he’s like “that’s my rad make-out sofa, never used but often stroked, but I see your point, maybe this place just needs a woman’s touch” and then he winks and says “you know what else needs a woman’s touch? My dick” and Persephone wrinkles her cute button nose and says “this place doesn’t need a woman’s touch, it just needs some mood lighting and maybe a feature wall” and Hades says “you are honestly making it so hard for me to make dick jokes right now, but you make a valid and salient point, how about I hire you as my interior designer and also my wife?” and Persephone is like “I honestly don’t think I want either of those positions” and Hades shrugs and says “I could make such a good dick joke about that sentence, but I want you to know that I’m also a caring and sensual individual and not just a hilariously laddish cad, so I’ll let it slide this time, but also I’m really upset about it and so I think maybe you should just stay here for a bit and think about what you’ve done”  and Persephone is like “can you elaborate on ‘a bit’ because I have a lunch date at 7” and Hades is like “I’m torn between two hours or forever, which would you prefer? Ha, just kidding, it’s going to be forever, if I’m honest” and Persephone is like “do I get a say in this matter at all?” and Hades is like “obviously not, you’re a woman in Greek mythology and I just kidnapped you in my manly chariot” and Persephone sighs and says “fine, if I’m stuck here, then can you fetch me 6 tins of matte emulsion paint in Coral Canyon 7?” . A little while passes, and over time, Persephone starts to really spruce the place up. Nothing major, she doesn’t totally renovate the kitchen or do anything whacky like move the master bedroom into the lower torture chamber, but pretty soon the whole of Hades is full of the delicious smell of gently smouldering scented candles and there are throw cushions on the sofas of severed heads and the disembodied spirits of the recently departed have started to feel really at home here, and it’s all down to Persephone and her natural eye for feng shui.  .. Meanwhile, up in the lush green meadows of earthly frolicking, Demeter is freaking the fuck out. She’s just sort of wandering about the place and moaning desolately about her missing daughter and bodily autonomy and the best way to harvest crops when you’re so depressed that you can’t even see the point in living any more, and honestly, her bitchy attitude is starting to bring everyone the fuck down. All the harvests are shit, because Demeter’s too depressed to give half a damn, and the seasons become cold and empty, like that mini ice age in Frozen that lasted like 3 days but was still definitely eternal because it was caused by a depressed magic woman. . Eventually, Zeus gets fucking tired of this shit, because he has some hot chicks to lay and the eggs aren’t hatching in the snatch like they oughta because it’s so cold that he can barely get it up, and so he goes to visit Demeter and he’s all “yo sis, what the everlasting shit is going on, I’ve got this really smouldering chick in my bed and I can’t even ravish her any more” and Demeter is like “sorry bro, I guess I’m just really depressed because our brother has kidnapped our daughter and I think he might try and wife her and it’s just too much incest for me to deal with on any level” and Zeus just blinks and says “so you’re my sister and Persephone is your daughter but she’s also my daughter?” and Demeter nods and Zeus says “and Hades is our brother?” and Demeter just nods again and Zeus makes a mental note to invent the Jeremy Kyle show, and then he immediately has an idea.  “Why don’t you quit your womanly bitching and go down to Hades and get your daughter back?” he says, and Demeter is like “hold on, she’s your daughter too” and Zeus is like “yeah, yeah, I’ll cut you a cheque for the child support I missed, now get your peachy lil’ ass down to Hades and claw back our spawn, and I’ll go back to the woman in my bed who is definitely not my sister” and Demeter says “is Hera the hot woman in your bed?” and Zeus puffs out his chest proudly and says “the one and only” and Demeter says “she’s your sister too, bro” and Zeus deflates like a sabotaged condom and goes right into Hades himself. . When Zeus gets into Hades, he’s immediately struck by the recent appearance of a tasteful baroque fireplace that Persephone has erected in the main reception room. Hades serves him a dry martini from an authentic vintage brass platter, and Zeus is all “this place looks great, man, did you get on a Living TV show or something? What’s your secret?” and Hades is like “nothing like that, man, no TV deals, just the unwilling daughter of Demeter” and Zeus laughs nervously and sets his dry martini down on an understated but classic vintage chest of drawers with turquoise beading around the handles and says “yeah, about that unwilling daughter of Demeter thing, is there any way on Earth that you could maybe give her back?” and Hades is like “Hades no, this place has never looked so good, have you seen the bearskin rug in the fingernail room?” and Zeus just presses on, like “Demeter has turned the entire of the upper realm into something even worse than this place used to be, and I’m not sure if you’ve ever tried getting someone in the mood for doin’ the do when the ground is covered in ice, but it ain’t easy” and Hades is like “I don’t care if Demeter turns Earth into a grotesque parody of Manchester, you’re not getting Persephone back, she’s my favourite niece-wife”. . Zeus just sighs and says “Hades, there is only one way that you are ever going to keep Persephone here, and there’s no way you’re going to manage it” and Hades is like “what do I have to do?” and Zeus is like “I’m not telling you, it’ll only upset you” and Hades says “do I have to wade through the deepest oceans in the world with no scuba gear, because I will” and Zeus is like “no, it’s worse than that” and Hades says “do I have to defeat 7 deadly bears with nothing but my bare hands and a Barry Manilow CD, because I will” and Zeus is like “no, it’s worse than that” and Hades is like “do I have to lather myself in oil and wrestle naked with Hera, because it’ll be tough, but I will” and Zeus is like “no, but the only thing that will keep Persephone here - which we don’t want, Hades, so don’t fucking do it - is if she eats or drinks anything while she’s down here. Like, as long as she starves herself, I’ll be able to summon a totally pimpin’ army to come and rescue her, but if you feed her so much as a mouthful of milk? Done. I can’t do anything. So, you know. Don’t do that. That would be supremely uncool” and Hades throws his hands up innocently and says “I won’t feed her anything, I promise, now how about you go and summon that pimpin’ army of yours and I’ll go and help Persephone paint the en-suite flesh pantry? We’re going to be using Cappuccino 5.” . As soon as Zeus has left, Persephone comes around the corner and she asks Hades “who was that nice muscular chap?” and Hades is like “literally no-one, now come over here, you look really tasty and also hungry” and Persephone is like “well, I’ve been here for months and you haven’t so much as offered me a morsel to eat apart from your dick, so what gives now?” and Hades is like “my thin veneer of uncaring masculinity is crumbling around me and I’ve started to give a shit about your well-being, now do you want one of these delicious pomegranate seeds?” and he holds out his hand and offers her the aforementioned pomegranate seeds, and she blinks and says “that is literally all I want in the world” and she eats them and then suddenly Demeter appears and Hades is like “where is Zeus and his pimpin’ army?” and Demeter just roars “I am the army, bitch, now where’s my daughter” and Hades shoves Persephone at her and says “here is your daughter, or should I say, here’s my WIFE” and Demeter looks at Persephone, who has pomegranate juice smeared all over her face like a fucking child, and her heart just sinks because not only has she raised a slovenly child who can’t even eat fruit seeds without making more mess than a Tory document on foreign policy, but she realises that her daughter has eaten in Hades and can never leave, and that’s even worse, though not quite as bad as that time David Cameron made a speech about austerity at a five course meal while wearing a tuxedo.  . Immediately, Demeter calls for Zeus, who appears wrapped in a bed sheet, hair all sexily tussled from being interrupted mid coitus (because Zeus is always mid coitus, unless he’s immediately pre or post coitus) and Zeus looks at Persephone and just sighs heavily and says “Hades, I swear to myself” and Hades shrugs and says “don’t hate the player, hate the game” and Demeter is like “if we don’t sort this shit out soon, I am going to plunge the world into an eternal winter and rename myself Elsa” and Zeus is like “no, don’t do that, Demeter is a rad name and also winter totally kills my game and that’s all a pimp really has, can we maybe come to a compromise here so I can return to the wanton sister in my bed?” and Hades and Demeter just look at each other, one thread of sibling love joining them together for the barest of moments, and nod.  . So, Zeus is like “I can’t change the whole ‘don’t eat the seeds of Hades’ rule - ” and then Hades mutters a dick joke, and the thin thread of sibling love is snapped again - “but I can sort of bend it, like a boss who’s been caught groping his secretary and manages to get 6 months’ suspension and sexual harassment seminars rather than losing his job and his shares in the company. How about we say that Persephone does get to return to the surface, but only for 6 months of the year?” and Persephone pipes up like “what about the other 6 months?” and Zeus says “you stay down here for the other 6 months” and Persephone is like “awesome, I had really great ideas about installing a water feature in the lean-to of arid torture” and Hades and Demeter sort of mumble their agreements and Zeus dissipates in a fog of sex appeal, leaving Persephone and her husband-uncle and her mother-aunt to sort their shit out, which, to be fair, will definitely take more than 6 months.

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