zelda bag

DOG STORY

[Minor dog grossness in this. not super bad. Will talk around the specifics as much as I can. I think anyone who has ever been near a dog will be okay.]


ME: Come on, Zelda! Time to go out!

ZELDA: Fantastic.

ZELDA: *trots outside* *sniffs everywhere for A Place to Go*

ZELDA: This dirt patch is just what I’ve been looking for. I shall do my business here.

ME: That’s fine. 

ZELDA: *does second-level dog business*

ME: *gets out bag*

ZELDA: I must cover this spot so that no one knows of this place.

ZELDA: *HIND LEG KICK KICK KICK*

DIRT: *flies*

STRANGER: *innocently approaches, talking on phone*

ZELDA: *KICKS*

DIRT: *flies*

SECOND-LEVEL DOG BUSINESS: *also flies*

ME: *looks up from trying to get stupid bag open*

ME: no no No No NO NO NONONONONO DUCKKKKKK DUCK DUCK DUCK

STRANGER: *cannot hear because on headphones*

SECOND-LEVEL DOG BUSINESS: *bounces off stranger’s head*

STRANGER: ????

ME: Oh my god.

STRANGER: *dawning realization*

ME: Are you…are you…can I…

STRANGER: *cannot process* *looks at SLDB on ground*

ME: Anything. Anything. Let me help you. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME.

STRANGER: *long pause*

STRANGER: *unable to process, simply shrugs, looks blank, moves on*

ZELDA: Nailed it! Does anyone notice how I keep doing awesome stuff? Best at dog!

ME: We’re going to have to move.

ZELDA: BEST AT DOG!

IT’S A NICE DAY

ME: It’s such a nice day.

OSCAR: It is. Let’s take Zelda to the dog park!

ZELDA: *looks up from snorting the carpet* Huh?

US: *walk*

ZELDA: *stops to sniff bag of garbage outside of hospital that most likely contains human body parts and vials of diseases*

US: *HOIST*

ZELDA: What are you doing? THAT WAS TREASURE!

US: WE ARE GOING TO THE DOG PARK.

ZELDA: THE TREASURE…

AT DOG PARK

ZELDA: WHAT ARE THESE OTHER DOGS DOING HERE.

ME: It’s the dog park, Zelda.

ZELDA: *unsure*

ME: Go on! Play!

ZELDA: I’m going to sit on this bench next to daddy.

OSCAR: Go on! Play!

ZELDA: *unsure*

ZELDA: *sees other dog poop*

ZELDA: NOW WE’RE TALKING!

ZELDA: *leaps into poop*

US: OH NO.

OSCAR: This is terrible. I guess we have to…how do we even do this? Oh God.

ZELDA: I GET WHY YOU LIKE IT HERE!

ME: *scrapes Zelda with stick*

ZELDA: STICK TIME!

ZELDA: *lunges for poop stick*

ME: No no no no no.

OSCAR: THIS IS TERRIBLE.

ME: We have to get her home. We need to go into quarantine mode. Leave everything at the door. Take her right to the tub. Destroy everything with fire.


AT HOME

US: *run inside with Zelda, directly to tub*

ZELDA: What are we…hey, wait a minute…

US: *entub dog*

ZELDA: I AM BETRAYED.

US: *fill tub*

ZELDA: *scrabbles* *water*

US: *drenched*

US: *feed snacks to Zelda*

ZELDA: I’LL EAT THESE BUT I WON’T FORGET THIS.

OSCAR: *feeds*

ME: *scrubs*

OSCAR: That’s the last of the kibble. Are you done?

ME: Almos…

ZELDA: *HEROIC LEAP*

ZELDA: TO VICTORY!

OSCAR: Catch he…

ME: *is struck in the face with the back end of a wet dog*

ME: GAHHAHAHAHHGHGHGHGH

ME: *clutches nose and bleeding lip*

ZELDA: Victory?

OSCAR: *re-entubs dog*

ME: *bleeds*

OSCAR: What happened there?

ME: SHE HIT ME IN THE FACE WITH HER BUTT

ZELDA: Not intentionally.

ME: No, girl, not intentionally. Mommy isn’t mad.

ZELDA: Must not go full Stockholm. Must remember the mission. Must not identify with captors.

OSCAR: We have to finish this terrible task.

ME: *rinses dog*

US: *remove dog from tub*

OSCAR: Here’s a bit more kibble.

ZELDA: MY HEROES!

ZELDA: *gulps kibble in one go*

US: You’re free to go!

ZELDA: VICTORY!

ME: *bleeds*

ZELDA: *charges out of bathroom*

ZELDA: *immediately throws up gulped kibble into shag carpet*

US: NOOOOOOOOO

ZELDA: WHAT IS THIS I FOUND??? MAGIC FOOD IN WEIRD INDOOR GRASS???

OSCAR: *quickly moves dog along*

ZELDA: THE TREASURE…

ME: *bleeds*

ME: *looks at carpet*

ME: *looks at time elapsed since this started, 50 minutes*