zaporozhian

A letter from Turkish Sultan Mehmed IV to the Zaporozhian Cossacks in 1676,

As the Sultan; son of Muhammad; brother of the sun and moon; grandson and viceroy of God; ruler of the kingdoms of Macedonia, Babylon, Jerusalem, Upper and Lower Egypt; emperor of emperors; sovereign of sovereigns; extraordinary knight, never defeated; steadfast guardian of the tomb of Jesus Christ; trustee chosen by God Himself; the hope and comfort of Muslims; confounder and great defender of Christians - I command you, the Zaporogian Cossacks, to submit to me voluntarily and without any resistance, and to desist from troubling me with your attacks.

Reply from the Zaphorozhian Cossacks,

O sultan, Turkish devil and damned devil’s kith and kin, secretary to Lucifer himself. What the devil kind of knight are you, that can’t slay a hedgehog with your naked arse? The devil excretes, and your army eats. You will not, you son of a bitch, make subjects of Christian sons; we’ve no fear of your army, by land and by sea we will battle with thee, fuck your mother.

You Babylonian scullion, Macedonian wheelwright, brewer of Jerusalem, goat-fucker of Alexandria, swineherd of Greater and Lesser Egypt, pig of Armenia, Podolian thief, catamite of Tartary, hangman of Kamyanets, and fool of all the world and underworld, an idiot before God, grandson of the Serpent, and the crick in our dick. Pig’s snout, mare’s arse, slaughterhouse cur, unchristened brow, screw your own mother!

So the Zaporozhians declare, you lowlife. You won’t even be herding pigs for the Christians. Now we’ll conclude, for we don’t know the date and don’t own a calendar; the moon’s in the sky, the year with the Lord, the day’s the same over here as it is over there; for this kiss our arse!

Albania: Holy Mary holding Baby Jesus in her right arm (16th century), Onufri
Andorra: Sant Miquel d'Engolasters
Austria: The kiss (1907-1908), Gustav Klimt
Belarus: Le violoniste (1913), Marc Chagall
Belgium: Le fils de l'homme (1964), René Magritte
Bosnia and Herzegovina: Mountain landscape (1924), Karlo Mijić
Bulgary: Rachenitsa dance (1894), Ivan Mrkvička
Croatia: Roman woman playing a lute (1845-1847), Vjekoslav Karas
Cyprus: Couple (?), Stelios Votsis
Czech Republic: The Absinthe Drinker (1901), Viktor Oliva
Denmark: The Little Mermaid (1909-1913), Edvard Eriksen
Estonia: Half nude in striped skirt (?), Adamson-Eric
Finland: The Wounded Angel (1903), Hugo Simberg
France: Impression, soleil levant (1872), Claude Monet
Germany: Der Wanderer über dem Nebelmeer (1818), Caspar David Friedrich
Greece: Venus de Milo (130-100 b.C), Alexandros of Antioch
Hungary: The old fisherman (1902), Tivadar Kosztka Csontváry
Iceland: Þingvellir (1900), Þórarinn Benedikt Þorláksson
Ireland: Three studies of Lucian Freud (1969), Francis Bacon
Italy: Mona Lisa (1503/06-1517), Leonardo Da Vinci
Latvia: After church (1894), Janis Rozentāls
Lithuania: Tale of the Kings (1909), Mikalojus Konstantinas Čiurlionis
Luxembourg: Stretch of the Moselle at Greiveldange with Stadtbredimus (1930), Nico Klopp
Macedonia: Scene from the Paris Psalter (10th Century)
Moldavia: The girls from Ciadar Lunga (1960), Mihail Grecu
Monaco: Raynier de Grimaut
Montenegro: Our Lady of Philermos
Netherlands: The girl with a pearl earring (1656), Johannes Vermeer
Norway: The Scream (1893), Edvard Munch
Poland: Rejtan, or the Fall of Poland (1866), Jan Matejko
Portugal: O Fado (1910), José Malhoa
Romania: The bull cart (1899), Nicolae Grigorescu
Russia: Golden Autumn (1895), Isaak Ilich Levitan
Serbia: The wounded montenegrin (1882), Paja Jovanović
Slovakia: Engravings (?), Albín Brunovský
Slovenia: Pomlad (1903), Ivan Grohar
Spain: Guernica (1937), Pablo Picasso
Sweden: Breakfast under the big birch tree (1895), Carl Larsson
Switzerland: The Walking Man (1960), Alberto Giacometti
Turkey: The tortoise trainer (1906/1907), Osman Hamdi Bey
Ukraine: Reply of the Zaporozhian Cossacks (1880/1891), Ilya Repin
United Kingdom: The Fighting Temeraire (1838), Joseph Mallord William Turner
Vatican: Creation of Adam (1508/1512), Michelangelo

The Zaporozhian Cossacks write a letter to the Sultan of Turkey, detail (1880–1891). Ilya Repin (Russian, 1844–1930). Oil on canvas. State Russian Museum.

The Sultan of the Ottoman Empire, Mehmed IV, demanded that the Cossacks submit to Turkish rule. The Cossacks, led by Ivan Sirko, replied in an uncharacteristic manner: they wrote a letter, replete with insults and profanities. The painting exhibits the Cossacks’ pleasure at striving to come up with ever more base vulgarities.

VIDEO FRIDAY – MATT BERRY AND PETER CAPALDI at LETTERS LIVE

Since it was just announced that Peter Capaldi was stepping down from Doctor Who, I thought this would be fun. This was from letters live Spring of 2016 I believe. Matt and Peter are reading a set of letters from the Sultan of the Ottoman Empire to the Zaporozhian Cossacks and back. They are full of threats and funny insults, much like Peter’s character Malcom Tucker from The Thick of It.
Watch on okfan527.tumblr.com

Peter Capaldi being awesome again in a different reading.  His range is just phenomenal.  He’s reading a written response from the Zaporozhian Cossacks to an Ottoman Sultan.  Another actor reads the Sultan’s initial letter of demand, and Peter reads the angry reply.  Just … wow.

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Diplomatic Correspondence between Ottoman Emperor Mehmed IV and the Zaporozhian Cossacks in the 1670′s

From Mehmed IV

I, the Sultan, son of  Mohamed, brother of the Sun and Moon, grandson and vicegerent of God, sovereign of all kingdoms: of Macedonia, Babylonia, and Jerusalem, of Upper and Lower Egypt: king of kings; ruler of all that exists; extraordinary, invincible  knight; constant guardian of the grave of Jesus Christ; trustee of God himself; hope and comport of Moslems, confusion and great protector of Christians, command, the Zaporozhian Cossacks, to surrender to me voluntarily and without any kind of resistance, and don’t permit yourselves to trouble me with attacks! Turkish Sultan Mehmed.

Reply from the Zaporozhian Cossacks,

To the Turkish Sultan. You Turkish Satan, brother and comrade of the damned devil and secretary to Lucifer himself!  What the hell kind of knight are you?  The devil shits and you and your army swallow it.  You aren’t fit to have the sons of Christians under you; we aren’t afraid of your army, and we’ll fight you on land and sea.  You Babylonian busboy, Macedonian mechanic, Jerusalem beer-brewer, Alexandrian goatskinner, swineherd of Upper and Lower Egypt, Armenian pig, Tatar goat, Kamenets hangman, Podolian thief, grandson of the Evil Serpent himself, and buffoon of all the world and the netherworld, fool of our God, swine’s snout, mare’s asshole, butcher’s dog, unbaptized brow, may the devil steam your ass! That’s how the Cossacks answer you, you nasty glob of snot! You’re unfit to rule true Christians. We don’t know the date because we don’t have a calendar, the moon is in the sky, and the year is in the book, and the day is the same with us as with you, so go kiss your ass. Chief Hetman Zaxarcenko with all the Zaporozhian Host.

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Peter Capaldi turns the air blue during Letters Live performance as Olivia Colman fails to hold back the giggles.

Peter Capaldi managed to turn the air blue during his Letters Live performance held at the Freemasons’ Hall in London on Monday night.

The 57-year-old proved politics never changes as he answered the question of what his famously foul-mouthed character Malcolm Tucker would sound like in the 17th century.

Performing Sultan Mehmed IV’s demand for submission and the defiant Zaporozhian Cossacks’ response with comedian Matt Berry, Capaldi turned the air blue with salty insults to the applause of the Letters Live audience.


I would love to see this show, and I hope I get the opportunity.

Reply of the Zaporozhian Cossacks


Ilya Repin’s painting of the legendary diplomatic correspondence between the Zaporozhian Cossacks and the Ottoman Turks. 

Some thirty years after winning their independence from the Polish-Lithuanians, the Cossacks continued to act as troublesome raiders, both to the Polish and the Ottoman Empire. In 1676, Sultan Mahmud IV sent an army into Ukraine, but it was defeated by the Zaporozhian Host. Nonetheless, the Sultan offered them the chance to submit, writing this letter: 

Sultan Mahmud IV to the Zaporozhian Cossacks:

As the Sultan; son of Muhammad; brother of the sun and moon; grandson and viceroy of God; ruler of the kingdoms of Macedonia, Babylon, Jerusalem, Upper and Lower Egypt; emperor of emperors; sovereign of sovereigns; extraordinary knight, never defeated; steadfast guardian of the tomb of Jesus Christ; trustee chosen by God himself; the hope and comfort of Muslims; confounder and great defender of Christians – I command you, the Zaporogian Cossacks, to submit to me voluntarily and without any resistance, and to desist from troubling me with your attacks.


To which the Cossacks replied: 

Zaporozhian Cossacks to the Turkish Sultan!

O sultan, Turkish devil and damned devil’s kith and kin, secretary to Lucifer himself. What the devil kind of knight are you, that can’t slay a hedgehog with your naked arse? The devil shits, and your army eats. You will not, you son of a bitch, make subjects of Christian sons; we’ve no fear of your army, by land and by sea we will battle with thee, fuck thy mother.

You Babylonian scullion, Macedonian wheelwright, brewer of Jerusalem, goat-fucker of Alexandria, swineherd of Greater and Lesser Egypt, Armenian pig, Podolian thief, catamite of Tartary, hangman of Kamyanets, and fool of all the world and underworld, an idiot before God, grandson of the Serpent, and the crick in our dick. Pig’s snout, mare’s arse, slaughterhouse cur, unchristened brow, screw your own mother!

So the Zaporozhians declare, you lowlife. You won’t even be herding Christian pigs. Now we’ll conclude, for we don’t know the date and don’t own a calendar; the moon’s in the sky, the year with the Lord, the day’s the same over here as it is over there; for this kiss our ass!

Koshovyi Otoman Ivan Sirko, with the whole Zaporozhian Host