OK, here’s the coolest app for your new iPad mini (or any other Apple i-product you might have)! Our great friends at Shout! Factory (and Frederator) have released* this cool new app today (it’s not officially announced until tomorrow, so you’ve got a head start) that shows you 1000 of the coolest, funniest, weirdest videos of the past year. Really you can’t go wrong. Only 99¢.
“Stop the hype, please. What do I get?”
Here’s the description from the app store:
From the team behind the enormously popular Video Time Machine!* (Four and a half star app, thousands of positive reviews).
Watch over 1,000 videos from 2012!
Highlighting the best moments in music, movies, TV, sports, news and more!
Music like Frank Ocean, Justin Bieber, Hunter Hayes, Tiga, Lil Wayne, Bon Iver, Bonnie Raitt, Rihanna.
Movie trailers like Brave, The Man with Iron Fists (red band), The Vow, The Avengers, The Hunger Games.
Sports videos like World Series Game 4, World’s Largest Rope Swing, London 2012 Olympics.
Includes a category dedicated to viral videos! Like the Ultimate Dog Shaming, Mitt Romney Style, Hipster Disney Princess, A Toy Train in Space, Pretty Celebrities Turn Ugly, Turkey Dubstep.
Share your favorite videos on Facebook and Twitter!
• Universal App (iPhone, iPad, iTouch) • Over 1,000 videos and growing • Super-fast browsing on any connection • Airplay enabled • Easy social media sharing
Here I am, finally, it is here that I am. And I have another YTTM Ads feature, this time about the year 1969. Yes, dear old 1969, the year where we must go beyond the beyond. The year where we must transcend everything from humor to horror. The greatest year since 1968! As with 1971, there are so many wonderful advertisements here I am positive that more than one part will be needed. So let’s brew some home-ground coffee, open the gates of hell, and get this show on the road!
While I do love this commercial for allowing me to find a good image to introduce this post, my main reason for choosing it is the failure to advertise their home-ground coffee. June 23, 1927 is apparently the day where society ushered in the modern era by getting rid of home-ground coffee or something. Then, 42 years of nothingness passed. Then in 1969, Sanka came out with their own freeze dried coffee! And so home-ground taste returns.
It’s hilarious how this commercial fails to convince people to buy their product.
42 years ago, our product became obsolete and the new product created the modern age! Now we’re selling this outdated product again!
It’s like making a commercial in 1950 about how 42 years ago, the automobile was invented. And now we’re bringing back the horse drawn carriage! You’re welcome, America! You’re welcome…
A Latin America tour in every cigar, huh? Apparently, there are hallucinogens in every Dutch Masters cigar too, because that’s the only explanation for this Latin American tour this man experiences.
Ahh! Strong Columbian tobacco! Now I’m dancing with this Columbian lady! And some mild tobacco from Santo Domingo! More dancing women! Yes. A Latin American tour in every cigar… well, now my throat is scratchy. And this muffin… I’m dancing with the Queen of England! Better drink some vodka to quench my thirst… ah! A tour of Russia! I will fight beside you, Lenin! What’s this? My wife has made me spaghetti for dinner! Ah… I’m dancing with some fine Italian women! Only their flesh is melting.
The drug-related antics in this commercials transcend any other drug-related antics in any other commercial. Some poor man is trying to shave. Unfortunately, that is the moment the drugs start kicking in and he begins to imagine mint sprouting from his shaving cream. He briefly ponders if he’s going crazy (no, you poor soul, those are just the drugs) and tests if another pile of shaving cream will also sprout mint. It does! At that point, the effect of the drugs increase in intensity.
Everybody, hello! Hello, everybody! And welcome to another edition of YTTM ads, where I mock ancient advertisements. Some material in this edition may be inappropriate for children under 13. This edition includes imagery that may be disturbing for some children. This includes, but is not limited to, realistic depictions of a post-apocalyptic world run by Colonel Sanders, realistic depictions of two abominations bellowing indistinguishable words, and so much more. Doesn’t that get you excited to read this!? HELL YEAH! Let’s do it!
Children truly are psychopaths. Can’t you just see them laughing at delight at the pain and suffering the Small Shots are theoretically suffering when they crash?
Hahah! That kid fell down! I hope he skinned his knee!
Hahah! Those two kids collided into each other! I hope one of them had a concussion! Heck, I hope both of them had concussions!
Hahah! That kid ran into a brick wall! Oh, if only these toys came with blood!
There seems to be a whole subset of advertisements that tap into the wickedness of children. Remember Dr. Mario? Yeah. That’s right.
There’s always something weird about dolls. Maybe it’s the way they’re always staring ahead, with emotionless faces and dead eyes. They never blink. They never blink. They never blink.
Okay, maybe I should stop complaining. The Crumpet doll, in addition to slightly wobbling her arms to “serve” tea and crumpets, blinks. However, its attempts at blinking parallel the Terminator’s attempts to smile. They’re completely horrifying. The doll blinks dramatically, taking two seconds to achieve the status of closed eyes and two seconds to achieve the status of open eyes. Truly horrifying.
Kentucky Fried Chicken
Colonel Sanders’ obese, distorted face smiles at us creepily as drums begin to play in the beginning of this advertisement. The camera zooms out to show us it is simply a drawing of him on a giant bucket of KFC that poor citizens are forced to march around until they collapse with exhaustion. And yet, they smile. All the citizens are smiling as they march themselves to death, perhaps knowing they await a better fate then their brothers in the concentration camps. A boy is wrecked with agony, as he tries to communicate with his dad, but is unable to because of Führer Sanders’ strict rules against speaking while marching around his goddamn giant bucket.
Father, why must we march around Der Führer’s enormous bucket?
They say that a detective’s chance of solving a case is cut in half if he doesn’t have a lead by the first 48 hours. They also say that my chance of making hundreds of jokes about a commercial is cut in half if I don’t find a paragraph or two’s worth of jokes in the first 15 seconds. So hello again, my YTTM ad loving companions.
Once again, we will go back to 1971 to find our old advertisements. I’m running low on those advertisements in which humor can be found in the first 15 seconds, so it’s time to increase the ratio of jokes to statements. For you see, before I was operating on the systems of America: e pluribus unum. From many, one. But we can’t afford taking from many statements, one joke anymore. It’s time for “from one, many”. Now we have a new motto, a new mission statement: ex uno plures.
Welcome to the longest post so far, with the shortest number of commercials mocked.
Did you know that Musterole is the official ointment of creepy illegal cults? That’s the only thing that can explain this commercial. While it’s not explaining that Musterole is made with five medicines or whatever, this commercial is showing the daily rituals of the Musterole clan. Let me explain the rituals in the clan’s own words.
Today, High Leader Clopara Honored By The Musterole will rub the sacred holy Musterole ointment on the body of High Leader Leusen Honored By The Musterole, thus cleansing his body of any sins that The Musterole finds. During this, the Holy Revered Blessed Honored Clan Honoring The Sacred All-Mighty Musterole shall chant “Rub it on, rub it in”. After this procedure has been finished, the giant celebration of sexuality shall start in the eyes of The Sacred All-Mighty Musterole, where the holy Musterole ointment shall me used as lubrication, to assist and guide us in our reproductive quests.
Yes, that’s right. Apparently the Musterole clan really likes the smooth, smooth rubbing of that creamy Musterole… all over the bodies… yes… of the members… it’s almost erotic, except for the group of people screaming “Rub it on, rub it in” while this is happening. Of course, this is one day. Yesterday, if you recall, the burning of all people not in the Holy Revered Blessed Honored Clan Honoring The Sacred All-Mighty Musterole took place. Tomorrow? Child molestation!
Oh, wait, what, you think I’m bloody joking? No. After the rubbing of Musterole all over the backs of clan members, we move on to watching a hand rub Musterole on the chest of a little girl. So that’s extremely creepy and definitely is worth a call to the police. Additionally, the little girl appears sedated and uncomfortable while this rubbing is going on. That’s horrifyingly disturbing and needs FBI investigation. And finally, while someone rubs ointment all over the chest of a sedated little girl, the clan members still chant “Rub it on, rub it in” which takes this to “even this sentence which describes the act that took place in the commercial is banned in every country in the world” levels and requires SWAT team intervention.
I don’t know when this commercial was finally taken off the air, but I’m willing to bet it coincided with the release of a study that showed pedophiles have televisions. Seriously, what kind of sick mind thought this was an acceptable thing to show on television? The same sick mind that very probably has a video of the “rubbing Musterole on the chest of a little girl” part of this commercial looped over and over while porn music plays in the background, that’s who.